Thursday, August 10, 2006

Greatest Fear/Talking Muses

There was a time not so long ago where I would have said that my greatest fear was that I would never again have the chance to be a husband or father again.  Losing Danijela and my children during the siege on Vukovar had left an emptiness inside of me that I was sure could never be replaced by anything.  It didn't help that I accepted full blame for our being in the City.  It was my fault that their lives had been placed in danger, for not leaving when we'd had the chance.  It had been my fault that I hadn't been able to save them when they had been injured.
When Abby told me she was pregnant I wasn't sure how to react, I was stunned, then frightened, what if she decided to abort the child?  I knew she didn't want to be a mother, not with the way Maggie was but I still knew I wanted my child.  When she decided to keep the pregnancy I was thrilled, I was going to become a father again.  Abby and I haven't discussed marriage, I think it's too soon for that, but, I'll do what's best for the child and for her.
So, what is my Greatest fear now? My fear is that I won't be the kind of father to this child I was with my first two.  That somehow, my loss of them will carry over to how I treat this one and I'll find myself overprotective.  I don't want to deny this child any of the experiences they deserve to have in life but I'm scared.  This child is a dream come true to me, and if anything were to happen to it I think it would kill me.  So, maybe in truth that's the Greatest fear,that my child won't survive, because I can't go through that again.

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