I'll always love her.
I can't imagine what it must be like for Abby knowing that she'll never have my love completely, knowing that for as long as I live part of what I have to give will belong to someone long gone. That's how it will be though and no matter how much she might wish it to be otherwise it will never change.
Danijela was my first love, my first wife, the one I lost my virginity to, the mother of my daughter, the one who gave birth to my first son. It seems so long ago when I talk about it but there are times when I could swear it was only mere moments since we were parted, no, not parted, torn from each other at a time when we had only just begun to live.
I try and tell myself that what was between Danijela and I is in the past, that I need to find a way to tuck those feelings away like you would memories in a scrapbook, but it's so hard. Now that Joe is here it seems thoughts of her come more frequently as everything he does reminds me of something that we went through together with Jasna and Marko.
I know it's not fair to Abby, but I don't know what I can do to stop myself and I'm not sure I would want to if I could. It would be easy to say that I loved every moment of my life with Danijela, but that would be a lie. We had our fights as any young couple does, but for each of those moments there were hundreds more that filled me with a joy so so strong that I would willingly accept them all again if only to have her back, to have them back.
It's a sacrifice though that is only a dream, a dream that will never become reality. no, Abby is my reality, and Joe, and the life we are building together. I can't say that this life will be anything like the life I had with Danijela, maybe it's not supposed to be. I can only hope that Abby understands that I need to have that small place set aside to keep my love for them intact even as I strive to move forward with her and Joe, and if she can do that, then I think we can make things work this time.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
I'll always love her.
Tuesday, December 5, 2006
Missing Part 2
There had to be a reasonable explanation for where Abby and Joe were. Even as he stood there on the sidewalk clutching the blood stained blanket his mind was scrambling for some reason other than the one he'd first lept at. He'd call her, that would solve everything, she'd probably just taken him to the park. He could believe that, even if it didn't explain the blanket. Pulling out his cell phone he pushed the quick dial for Abby's phone. Breathe Luka, breathe. He voiced the reminder silently to himself as he listened to the ring, only to frown as he realized that he wasn't just hearing it through the phone he held to his ear.
"Oh God, no." It was all he could do to re-enter the apartment and realize that the dual ring was indeed coming from inside. Abby hadn't taken her phone, where would she have gone without it?
"Abby." He closed his own phone and re-pocketed it as he saw hers on the counter. She wouldn't have left willingly without it, would she? She'd have known he'd try to reach her. Already he could feel his heart starting to race, the worst case scenario already beginning to take root.
"No!" he wasn't going to give in to it...not yet, he couldn't give up on them. Think, think, his thoughts were becoming a tangled mess and the only thing he was sure of was that Abby and Joe were missing. What would she have done? She knew whe was due home...think.
Her phone, that might be it, maybe the clue was in her phone, maybe she'd left it for a reason. He immediately reached for Abby's phone and punched redial, only to hear the answering ring of his own phone in response.
"Damn." He threw it across the room without thinking about the consequences.
"Abby, where are you?"
to be continued...
Saturday, December 2, 2006
It hadn't helped telling Abby about Ames, if anything it seemed to only have made matters worse, and Luka found himself dreading leaving for work the following morning. He and Abby had sat up until early morning discussing what they could do to best handle Ames, if in fact he was stalking the family which Abby still fully doubted. There was no question now that they should stagger their shifts, neither of them would be able to concentrate on their patients if they knew the other weren't with Joe. So, it was he who had gone to work and Abby who was the one to stay home, spending the first day with Joe.
"Abby?" Even as he opened the door Luka felt the chill creep up his spine, something was wrong, instinctively he knew it the moment he stepped inside and the panic was immediate.
"Abby! Joe!" He dropped his briefcase and ran for the stairs, taking them two at a time only to find that room empty as well. They had to be here. Backtracking downstairs he stopped when he saw one of Joe's blankets laying balled up on the floor, as he picked it up he couldn't miss the blood that stained it and he felt his heart stop. Oh God, no.
"Abby! Joe!" He clutched the thin blanket in his hands as he ran for the door and back outside, stopping when he reached the sidewalk, his eyes scanning up one side and then down the other. This couldn't be happening, it was a nightmare, it had to be, oh god, please, let him wake up from it.
to be continued...