Tuesday, December 19, 2006

157 - What is your worst quality as a significant other?/Theatrical Muse Challenge

I'll always love her.

I can't imagine what it must be like for Abby knowing that she'll never have my love completely, knowing that for as long as I live part of what I have to give will belong to someone long gone. That's how it will be though and no matter how much she might wish it to be otherwise it will never change.

Danijela was my first love, my first wife, the one I lost my virginity to, the mother of my daughter, the one who gave birth to my first son. It seems so long ago when I talk about it but there are times when I could swear it was only mere moments since we were parted, no, not parted, torn from each other at a time when we had only just begun to live.

I try and tell myself that what was between Danijela and I is in the past, that I need to find a way to tuck those feelings away like you would memories in a scrapbook, but it's so hard. Now that Joe is here it seems thoughts of her come more frequently as everything he does reminds me of something that we went through together with Jasna and Marko.

I know it's not fair to Abby, but I don't know what I can do to stop myself and I'm not sure I would want to if I could. It would be easy to say that I loved every moment of my life with Danijela, but that would be a lie. We had our fights as any young couple does, but for each of those moments there were hundreds more that filled me with a joy so so strong that I would willingly accept them all again if only to have her back, to have them back.

It's a sacrifice though that is only a dream, a dream that will never become reality. no, Abby is my reality, and Joe, and the life we are building together. I can't say that this life will be anything like the life I had with Danijela, maybe it's not supposed to be. I can only hope that Abby understands that I need to have that small place set aside to keep my love for them intact even as I strive to move forward with her and Joe, and if she can do that, then I think we can make things work this time.

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