How appropriate that this should surface today of all days. I've spent a sleepless night alternating my time between watching my newborn son and his mother sleep in the hospital and it's made me realize the disservice I've done to myself and to others.
For years when people have asked me if I had children I have lied and said no, but the truth is I do have them, two of them, a son and a daughter. Yes, I know they died almost fifteen years ago, but that doesn't end the relationship I have with them, the bond that exists and will always exist. They are still my children and they always will be, no matter how many years pass.
I sit here looking at my newborn son and I can't help but look for the things in him that will connect him to the brother and sister he will never know. Will he have my daughter Jasna's smile? I look at his long fingers and I try to remember what hers looked like at that age, and it's so hard to remember. I want him to have Marko's sense of humor, to hear that sound of laughter again, and I know even as I look for similarities I want him to be himself as well. I know I can't expect him to replace them, and it wouldn't be fair of me to ask that of him, but I would like to share my memories of them with him when he's old enough to understand.
Having this second chance at being a father has made me realize how selfish I've been over the last fifteen years. By denying the memories of Danijela and my children I've been sparing myself the pain of reliving their loss, but I've also been denying others the joy of those memories, and I didn't have that right. Looking at my small son now, I realize how wrong it was to do that. I loved Jasna and Marko more than I loved life itself, and it's time I shared that love with others. After fifteen years it's time for me to stop living the lie I've been living, and so, when people ask if Josip...Joe, as Abby wants to call him, is my first, I will say no, but he is my youngest, and I love him with all my heart.
For years when people have asked me if I had children I have lied and said no, but the truth is I do have them, two of them, a son and a daughter. Yes, I know they died almost fifteen years ago, but that doesn't end the relationship I have with them, the bond that exists and will always exist. They are still my children and they always will be, no matter how many years pass.
I sit here looking at my newborn son and I can't help but look for the things in him that will connect him to the brother and sister he will never know. Will he have my daughter Jasna's smile? I look at his long fingers and I try to remember what hers looked like at that age, and it's so hard to remember. I want him to have Marko's sense of humor, to hear that sound of laughter again, and I know even as I look for similarities I want him to be himself as well. I know I can't expect him to replace them, and it wouldn't be fair of me to ask that of him, but I would like to share my memories of them with him when he's old enough to understand.
Having this second chance at being a father has made me realize how selfish I've been over the last fifteen years. By denying the memories of Danijela and my children I've been sparing myself the pain of reliving their loss, but I've also been denying others the joy of those memories, and I didn't have that right. Looking at my small son now, I realize how wrong it was to do that. I loved Jasna and Marko more than I loved life itself, and it's time I shared that love with others. After fifteen years it's time for me to stop living the lie I've been living, and so, when people ask if Josip...Joe, as Abby wants to call him, is my first, I will say no, but he is my youngest, and I love him with all my heart.
Muse: Luka Kovac
Fandom: ER/Miscellaneous TV
Words: 401
Fandom: ER/Miscellaneous TV
Words: 401
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