Friday, September 1, 2006

Monogamy/Theatrical Muse Challenge

You don't break up families.

I said that to Kerry once, in a different context, and maybe not in a completely truthful way, but it's the same here. You would think I would know how it feels to be on the receiving end. You would think I, more than most would want to prevent anyone from experiencing those feelings themselves.

You would think that would be the case, but it wasn't. It didn't stop me once from involving myself with a married woman, even though there was a time when I would have considered it the most heinous sin I could have imagined. it didn't stop me from seeing a different woman on multiple days of the week just so I wouldn't have to spend them alone. It didn't stop me from paying for sex, for becoming someone I wasn't and finally endangering the lives of others. No, it never ceases to amaze me how far I fell before I found myself again.

When I met Danijela and even in those years before, I would never have thought of violating the tenets of God, of violating my word to her, of one day becoming an adulterer. I would never have thought myself possible of giving myself to anyone but the woman I would one day marry, the woman who I was sure I would grow old and die with. When she was taken from me I went years without thinking of another woman in the way I had thought of her.

When the time came for me to finally take that next step it came slowly for me, and I admit that it was my desire to once more become a father that drove me to it. I think it was having that attempt at restarting my life fail that started me on the path that eventually led me to fall into the behaviors that I now regret so much.

I look back on what I did now and I can only hope that all that has happened to me since has somehow tipped the scales slightly in my favor, for I know there is no way they could ever possibly return to being equal. It's hard to imagine that I could change so much in so few years, but somehow I did, and it took my own near death to finally find my way back.

So it comes back to where it all began, you don't break up families, and unless you remain monogamous, how can you do anything less than that?

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