Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Prompt 26A:Do you protect someone? Why do you see yourself as their protector?/Canon Muses

There are some things you do without thought, protecting those you love is one of them.  I remember as a child being told to look out for my brother and having heard him being told to look out for me. Whenever we went anywhere with friends it was the same thing, it was just the way things were done.

When it came time for me to marry it was there in our vows, to love, honor, and protect, but, I failed them.  My wife, my two children, when they really needed me to be there for them I wasn't and by the time I did get there I was too late.

From our very first date the instinct to protect Abby was there.  When that mugger attacked us, I didn't even think about the danger to myself, all that mattered was that she was safe.  I don't even think I knew what I was doing at the time I was reacting to his attacking us, it was almost like I was outside myself, and if Abby hadn't have stopped me I know I would have killed him then and there.  As it was he died anyway and the realization that I was capable of that kind of violence was something I didn't know I was capable of.

I wish I could say it was the only time my anger got away from me, but, it wasn't.  When Abby was attacked by her neighbor, I went to him, it didn't matter that he was in a bar full of witnesses.  All that mattered was that he knew I wouldn't hesitate to kill him if he touched Abby again.

Most recently I was willing to walk away from both Abby and our young son with a former patient of mine who had been holding them at gunpoint.  I knew I stood a very good chance of never seeing either one of them again if I went with him.  I also knew that if I went with him, he couldn't hurt them. They would be safe, and that was the only thing that mattered to me. There was never a point in that entire situation that I stopped to think about the value of my own life in anything, and I can't remember when I stopped placing a value on my own life.  When did everybody else become more important then I was in my eye?

In the end, I was lucky, for whatever reason Curtis Ames chose to spare my life while taking his own, but, not before making me see that I could very easily become him if I'm not careful.  It's not something I'm proud of.

I think I'll always see myself as a protector to my family, I think it's part of being a husband and a father, but, I no longer think it has to be at a choice of them or me.  I'm not saying the old Luka will never surface again, but, I'd like to think I am more in control of him now, for the sake of my family, I hope so.


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