I'm not sure what I should be feeling in these moments, the thought that my father could be dying is something I've always known I would have to prepare myself for, but I never expected it so soon. Why now? Why couldn't he be allowed to share in the happiness that has finally found it's way to me after so many years of sadness? Why couldn't he be given a chance to spend time with the grandson he was sure he would never know.
I don't know what I will do without my Father's influence in my life, my Tata,I know I wouldn't have made it to where I am now without him. From the time my brother Niko and I were old enough to be on our own he's always been there for us, imparting his wisdom, offering advice, allowing us to test our boundaries and sometimes comforting us as we dealt with the consequences of our actions when we failed to heed his warnings.
As we became men the advice he offered was so very different, but none the less wise, and while we might not always have agreed with it, we could never fault him his sincerity. Even after so many years I still remember the words he offered as first Niko, then I entered the military, the advice that was given on the day I wed, and the comfort he struggled to find for me when he learned of the loss of Danijela and my children.
I need my Tata to hold on, if not for Niko and myself, then for my son Joe. I want him to grow up knowing his Djed, learning from him as my brother and I did. If that makes me selfish then I'll accept the consequences of that, but I'm just not ready to let him go, not when I know there is still so much he can teach us.