Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Wealth vs Poverty/Realm of the Muse

Some years back, Carter, Susan, Abby, Gallant and I had to attend an all day class on a Saturday for work.  The class happened to take place on a pretty snowy day and the instructor was late, which left the five of us with quite a bit of time to talk.  I'm not exactly sure how the conversation started, but Susan and Abby were talking to Carter about how much he was worth, and of course the rest of us began to talk of our families as well.

My father was a train conductor when I was growing up, and as I remember it, we never had a lot of money, but we always had enough to get what we needed and more importantly, we were happy.    For me that is the strongest memory of growing up.

Later, when I married Danijela, it was harder for us, I was a student, I didn't make very much, and soon she was pregnant so she could not work. Then, we had first Jasna, and later Marko, and she had both of them to look after and so it was only what I brought home, but still we were always happy.

After the war began I think I learned for myself what it must have been like for my father when I was a boy.  You want to give your children everything and when you can't, you have to put on this face, and not let them see how hard it is.  The worst feeling for me then was knowing my children wanted something very simple like eggs, or sweets and I couldn't give it to them.  Somehow though, I found a way to make do with what I could give them, and as hard as it was Danijela and I tried to do everything in our power to give them back the happiness that war was stealing from them every day.

I think about how unhappy I was before Abby and I found our way back to each other and before Joe entered my life.  I had all this money, I bought a fast car, I drank, slept with too many women, but none of it could fix what I really needed.  I was ready to throw my life away, ready to get myself killed, because nothing mattered, I wasn't happy, and money couldn't buy that not matter how much I tried to let it.

Things are good now, Abby and I are married, Joe is healthy and growing big, I've resigned as Chief and am back to being just an attending so I can concentrate on the patients, on why I became a doctor. Yeah, I can finally say, life is good, we're looking forward to the future and everything it brings with it, but, most importantly, we're happy. I can't ask for more then that.


No comments: