"I know that I probably didn’t do the right thing that day. I am usually much stronger than that. But what can I say? Things happen."
We all make mistakes, it's part of being human, but sometimes you reach a point in your life when it's almost like every move you make is one meant to send you down a path of self-destruction. I wish I could say I know the exact point in time when I became aware of what I was doing, but, I don't. I do remember that at the time, It didn't seem to matter that my actions were hurting other people, I didn't care about the consequences to my actions, or maybe I was just too numb to see any of it for what it really was. I think in my own head I was looking for a way to feel anything other than the loneliness that was eating me up inside, and if it hurt someone else in the process I didn't care. I just needed to stop feeling so alone.
I wish I could say that what I was doing never impacted my work, but that would have been as much a lie as anything else. From my liason with a patient's mother in a storage room while her daughter waited alone in an exam, to the one night stands with those who I later expected to work with as if nothing had happened, all I saw in each of them was what I needed in those moments I was with them. I didn't care about what the experience might mean to them, I didn't think about what would happen once the moment had passed, all that mattered was that I got what I needed from them. All that had mattered was for those minutes, those hours I felt something other than alone.