There was a point in my life when I didn't care anymore. I almost think I had given up on believing that I could have again what I had once shared with Danijela, what I had tried, but failed to find with Abby, our first time together. I fell into a pattern of using sex as a means to try and find what my life was missing, and instead came away with only more emptiness.
I look back on Danijela and my wedding night, I have no doubt that what we shared between us was more then just the act of our bodies uniting as one. There was a connection between the two of us that often made the need for words unnecessary, a connection that made us seem to know what the other wanted before we had even asked.
When I think about my encounters since I can't help but find them lacking, and while I may not notice it at the time, it's all too clear by morning's light. In the beginning all I wanted was a way to escape from where my life was, and in those moments I was with those nameless women, I was able to do that. In those moments all I wanted was to know that I could feel something beside the ache of loneliness and the pain of failure. Sex became a tool for me, be it with someone from the hospital, a stranger I met in a bar, or in those most desperate moments when I found myself willing to pay, with Valerie. Whoever I chose, the end result was the same, but, I never found that which had been there with Danijela, that which I am beginning to find with Abby. I only wish I could have learned my lesson before I had hurt so many, it's one of far too many mistakes I will forever be doing penance for.