Saturday, March 24, 2007

Uh oh/Realm of the Muse

You just woke up and found yourself in bed with the very LAST person(s) you ever expected to. How did this happen, is this real, and now what will you do?

I'd like to say that it was only a dream, but it wasn't, it was just the start of a downward spiral that very nearly cost me my career as well as my life.  What's worse is that as bad as what it might have cost me, the affect my actions had on others was far greater, and nothing I can say or do now will ever undo those damages. 

It happened a few years back during the time when Abby and I were apart and she was dating Carter.  Susan was hosting a Christmas party for the staff of the ER and I made the mistake of attending, I should have known better, I should have stayed home, but I went anyway. 

I think I knew from the start that I was just asking for trouble by going, but they were doing a hospital Secret Santa gift exchange and I had picked Abby as the person I was supposed to buy my gift for. Anyway, I'm not going to lie and say I didn't still have feelings for Abby then, because I did, I knew I had messed things up with her and even though she was with Carter I thought we could still fix things.  I was wrong.

I don't know what it was exactly that prompted me to do it, whether it was seeing her and Carter so happy, seeing everybody there so happy, or just knowing that I wasn't, but, I started drinking from the minute I set foot in the door. I never should have gone, I found myself hiding out in the bedroom and by the time I had a chance to actually talk to Abby I was pretty messed up.  I'm not even sure what I said to her that night, but whatever it was it did nothing to change things, neither did the gift I gave her, no, she and Carter left together and I kept drinking.

When I drink too much I get stupid, or I should say I do stupid things, I don't mean to, they just happen.  Erin was one of the medical students in the ER at the time, she was a good kid, and on that night she just kept flirting with me.  Maybe I was lonely, I know I wasn't thinking about the consequences of what it could mean to her if word got around that something happened between us, but, I let her take me home.

I was wasted, but that didn't stop me from hitting on her, from kissing her once we were in my apartment, and if she hadn't of refused me I likely would have done more.  As it was, she ended up taking me to my bedroom where I passed out,

The next morning Kerry had Abby call wanting me to come in to work and Erin answered the phone, she was half dressed and I honestly couldn't remember if something had happened between us.  When I took the phone, the last person's voice I wanted to hear was Abby's, how could I know what to say to her when I wasn't sure myself what had happened?  To make things worse, Erin was standing right there, if I wasn't already ready to get sick from having had too much to drink the night before, I was sure the guilt was going to cause me to be.

I wish I could say I learned from my mistakes of that night, but, I didn't.  What happened then was the beginning of a journey that would take me very close to death before I found my way back.  It would injure some around me, and cost several others their lives before I  learned the lessons that I needed to learn. I can't undo the mistakes I made, I can't bring back the lives that were lost, I can only apologize and ask forgiveness. I would like to think I learned from those mistakes, I do somehow know that Abby and I once again found each other, we welcomed our son into our lives and are now looking forward to our marriage, there must be truth to the old saying that everything happens for a reason. If my life were to end tomorrow I would be able to die knowing I was truly blessed and I can't ask any more than that.

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