Monday, March 12, 2007

Sin/Realm of the Muse

Forgive me Father for I have sinned...

As I look at my life now, look at what I know is yet to come, I can't help but replay all of the mistakes I made in between losing my first family and gaining my second.  I think of all of the years I wasted in self pity, in guilt, in hatred, and blame of others.  I think about the years when I retreated inside myself, the years when I refused to allow myself to open up to anyone and even worse when I refused to let anyone close to me. I think of the years that I turned my back on my faith, and the depths to which I sunk before I found it again. 

It was during those years when I turned to self abuse as a way of punishing myself.  Whether it was through the excess of alcohol or in meaningless sex, I took everything that I had held so dear and destroyed it. It was during that time too that in the act of punishing myself that I began punishing others. Whether through mistakes I made because my mind was somewhere other then on my work, or through those who were harmed as my indiscretions crossed over into the sanctity of someone else's marriage. 

I don't know that I can ever fully atone for all of the sins I committed during those years, I know I can't undo the damage I did or give back the lives I took. All I can do is vow to live my life as I once did, to accept responsibility now for my actions as they happen, to respect my training, and to honor my family, and my faith and hope that is enough.


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