Had you asked me to talk about this as recently as two years ago I most likely would have replied that there was nothing to say. As it had been since that moment when I'd lost my family, my mind was still wrapped around what I no longer had. I know it took coming close to death to finally break the hold my grief had held on me and with it finally gone I began to realize how much I really did have.
I think back over the last twelve years and how hard my father fought to get me to see beyond my own losses. This was a man who had lost not just his daughter in law, and his two grandchildren, but in many ways his son as well. Even when he lost his wife of forty five years less than a year later, he refused to let it steal away his life as I had let Danijela's death steal mine.
My father has a quiet strength to him that is hard to imagine in one of his age, but, though it's not that which I feel I've inherited , it's his resiliency. No matter what obstacles God has put in his way he has refused to let them change who he is or how he lives his life. I'm not saying that his life has been easy, because it hasn't been, it's just that he has always found a way to adapt to whatever the situation is without losing any of himself.
I don't think I saw that part of him in myself for a lot of years, though I think it was always there. It's hard to admit just how lost I was, but now, with all I've been through, and everything that's happening now, I finally see it.
A much as I thought I was ready for a relationship with Carol, with Sam, and even with Abby the first time around, I know now I wasn't. I don't know how I thought I could be with another woman before I had really made my peace with losing Danijela. I know now I will always love Danijela, and I think Abby understands that, understands as I do that it's ok, and there's room in my heart for both of them. I no longer have to feel I'm betraying my vows to Danijela by loving Abby.
There's a greater reward with this newly acknowledged resiliency though and that's the joy I'm feeling at the thought of becoming a father again. I know now that I can love this child without sacrificing my feelings for the children I've lost, and that's something I never thought would be possible. I want this child, our child, to know the sister and brother that will be watching over him or her. I want to talk about them with a smile on my face instead of the tears that have come with the memories of them in years past, and I finally know I'm ready to do that. Most importantly, I want this child to know his or her grandfather as Jasna and Marko knew him, I owe him that, and I can think of no better way to repay him for what he has given me.
Muse: Luka Kovac
Fandom: ER/Miscellaneous TV