100moods/Grateful

ER/Luka Kovac 046 Grateful
Title: Faith
Fandom: ER
Characters: Luka Kovac
Prompt: Grateful
Word Count: 557
Rating: PG
Warnings/Spoilers: Contains Spoilers to the Bishop Stewart arc.
Summary: Luka finds his thoughts turning to a friend gone too soon.

As the mass ended Luka rose and made his way to the small alcove to light candles for his family.  The very fact that he was here said much for how far he had come and to the man who had made it all possible.  With the Bishop entering his thoughts Luka found himself lighting a candle for him as well.  How did he begin to thank the man for giving him back his faith?

As he knelt in prayer before the flickering candles it was hard for him not to think of all the years he'd been without his faith.  He'd missed the comfort he found within it.  When Danijela and the children had been killed he'd needed someone to blame and God had seemed a natural choice.  All of his life he had believed in God's protection yet at the time he was needed most he had failed them.  It hadn't been easy walking away from the Church.  For as long as he could remember the Church had held an important place in his life, in his parent's lives, in Danijela's.  Maybe that was why it was so easy to lay blame there when he'd needed someone to take it.

Even as he knew he'd needed someone to accept blame, he knew too that there were too many other memories to be found within the walls of the church.  It was hard enough forcing himself to get up and go through each day, knowing they were gone, how could he possibly go back to the one place that meant so much to Danijela?  He'd tried once after the funerals, thought that he might find comfort in the familiar service but all he'd found was more pain. 

With the Church out of his life he'd felt lost, and maybe in a way that's what he felt he deserved.  His parents had begged him to return home, begged him to return to the comfort he would find within the Church, and instead he had fled. 

For 8 years he had been running away and it had taken a dying Bishop to finally make him stop.  He hadn't made it easy for the man, he'd used all the tricks that he'd developed over the years but the man had refused to give up, and in the end he had allowed him in. 

How do you begin to express how grateful you are to someone who is gone before you can tell them? There had been so many things he had wanted to say to the Bishop, but time was not on their side.  In a way he wondered if that hadn't been part of the man's plan, for with him gone he'd found himself returning to the man's Church and within those walls he'd finally begun to find some of the peace he'd been missing during the years he'd been away.

He'd found more of course, for within the walls of the Church he'd found that he felt closer to Danijela, Jasna, and Marko then he had at any time since they were gone.  Amidst these flickering candles he had found he could reconnect with all that he'd lost and he would always be grateful to the Bishop for guiding him back to that which he had walked away from all those years before.

What makes you angriest?/Theatrical Muse Challenge

I've faced many challenges in my life, I've seen the results of war closer then anyone should ever have to.  I've seen the damage one person can inflict on another over the smallest of things and I've seen those willing to allow abuse to be inflicted on them in the name of love.  Of all that I've seen though there is one thing which affects me more then all the rest and that is the ability of a mother to place her own comfort above the life of her child.

I can only hope that none of you are ever placed in the position where you will have to watch a child die because of their mother's selfishness, but I have had to do just that.

I remember the first time it happened, a young woman had come into the ER, her pregnancy almost full-term.  She had come into the ER suffering from a stab wound and claimed to not know she was pregnant even though she was clearly 32 weeks along.  While the wound was not fatal for her, the same could not be said for her baby and I knew that unless she underwent a cesarean her child wound not survive.

As I fought to save that innocent baby's life I couldn't shake the feeling that the mother's wounds were self-inflicted.  Here was a young woman who was so unwilling to bring the child she carried into this world that she would do whatever it took to stop it.

I don't remember how many hours I fought for that child's life, I argued that she had no right to let it die and even went so far as to try and get a court to intervene.  In the end it wasn't enough and the baby died, leaving me to assist the woman in the delivery of her now dead son.

I think of all the people in the world who would give anything to be parents,  think of those like myself who have lost their children through no fault of there own, and then I see this woman's face.  Here she had the chance to give birth to a healthy baby boy, a boy she could have then given to someone who was longing for one and instead she let him die. 

Once I make my way past the grief I feel for the child, and the disgust I feel toward the mother what remains is the anger, and I see no way to set it aside.

Muse: Luka Kovac
Fandom: ER/Miscellaneous TV
Words: 421

 

100moods/Touched

Title: The Gift
Fandom: ER
Characters: Luka Kovac
Prompt: Touched
Word Count: 362
Rating: G
Warnings/Spoilers: Tissue Warning
Summary: Luka receives an unexpected gift from his Father.

The package had come in the morning mail, wrapped in brown paper, it's front covered with several stamps.  Luka's brow had creased as he removed it from the box and turned it over in his palm, he wasn't expecting anything from his father, yet the handwriting was unmistakable. As he walked back to his apartment Luka tucked the box under his arm as he flipped through the rest of his mail, for those moments his puzzlement set aside. Once inside he dropped the stack of unopened bills and other routine mail on the table, the little box once more at the forefront of his attention.

"What did you do Tata?"  He voiced the question aloud as he settled on the couch and looked over the package again.  There was little weight to it, and the size and shape meant it wasn't a book or magazine his father had thought he should have.  He'd spoken with the man only two days earlier and no mention had been made of his sending anything, yet here it was.  His curiosity fully roused he began to open it. 

The wrapping was nothing special, neither was the box under the paper, as he lifted the flap the secret was concealed still more by the tissue.  His curiosity would have to wait a few moments more to be appeased. As he pulled the thin paper away all that remained was a single paper package slightly smaller then the palm of his hand.  Lifting it from the box he found it held almost no weight, he had no idea what he would find as he pulled the final barrier away.

"Oh, Tata."  His mouth dropped open and tears immediately sprung to his eyes as the secret was finally revealed.  The single blue knitted baby sock was something he had never expected and he lifted it to his nose as if he had somehow managed to retain the scent of the small boy who had once worn it.

"Where did you find this?" The question was asked aloud even as he knew no answer would come from it and he immediately rose to reach for the phone.  He had to know.

100moods/Enraged

ER/Luka Kovac 035 Enraged
Title: In an Instant
Fandom: ER
Characters: Luka Kovac, Abby Lockhart
Prompt: Enraged
Word Count: 326
Rating: PG
Warnings/Spoilers: Violence
Summary: Luka loses control.

I wish I could say that I remembered everything that had happened that night, but I don't.  We were walking on the Lakefront, Abby and I, talking about nothing, laughing, and then, I felt this blow to the back of my head and I fell.  I must have lost consciousness, Abby says I did, I just know I was on the ground and a man was attacking Abby.

I don't know that I even thought about any risk to myself at that point, all I saw was Abby in danger and the potential that she might be killed. I guess I lost it, not guess, I know I lost it.  I couldn't think about anything but stopping him, at any cost.  I pulled him off of her and we started to fight and then.

How do I describe what was going through my head?  I don't know why, but in that instant I remember thinking of how I hadn't been able to save my family, and I knew I had to do whatever it took to save Abby.  I got so angry at him, how dare he put her life at risk...and when I slammed his head into the pavement, the sound. 

I couldn't stop myself, over and over, his blood was everywhere, but as long as he was alive she was in danger.  I could hear her telling me to stop but I couldn't, not while he could still hurt her. Then it was over, the rage gone as suddenly as it had taken over me. 

Someone had called an ambulance, maybe it was Abby, his condition wasn't good, I had shattered his skull, but Abby was safe. I was in shock by then, I know I wasn't thinking straight, I guess I never had been, but, to know he was dying and that I was the one who was responsible. 

How many more lives will be lost to my hands?

100moods/Cold

ER/Luka Kovac 017 Cold
Title: It's Not Easy Saying Good-Bye
Fandom: ER
Characters: Luka Kovac, Jasna Kovac
Prompt: Cold
Word Count: 219
Rating: PG
Warnings/Spoilers: Possible tissue alert
Summary: Luka says good-bye.

Nothing could have prepared him for this moment. 

It seemed only fitting that it should be snowing, that the air held such a bite that his tears would freeze on his cheeks.  Standing next to the coffins that held his young wife and their two small children, he barely felt the cold, what did it matter? His heart had already turned to ice.

Except for the priest he was alone with his family, the grief his alone to bear.  He knew he should have allowed Danijela's family to come, knew his own parents would have wanted to be with him, but the risk was too great. Even now he could hear shells falling, bullets cracking the silence and he wished he could call one to claim him.

The thought of his family being lowered into the frozen ground was almost unimaginable, why did it have to be them? He wanted to stop them, wanted to take them someplace warm even as he knew they were beyond feeling cold.

He knew the priest was speaking to him but the words made no sense, and then it was over.  Without thinking he moved toward the coffins, and in the next moment he collapsed over the smallest of them.  How was he going to live without them?

And still the snow fell.

100moods/Content

ER/Luka Kovac 018 Content
Title: Baby Girl
Fandom: ER
Characters: Luka Kovac, Jasna Kovac
Prompt: Content
Word Count: 265
Rating: PG
Warnings/Spoilers: Possible tissue alert
Summary: Luka spends some quiet time with his newborn daughter.

How is it possible that someone who can't even hold her own head up can hold me in such awe?  Jasna, my baby girl, you've been here less then 72 hours and already I can't imagine how I would survive without you.

You're so tiny and as I hold you cradled in my arms I feel a peace, a contentment, that I don't know that I've ever felt before.  I think I could stare at you for hours.  With your black hair and equally dark eyes you are a miniature version of your mama and your beauty holds me spellbound.  I wonder how much of her will show in your personality as you grow, and then I know it doesn't matter for whoever you are, I will love you with all my heart.

Why did you have to smile?  I can feel my heart soar to yours and in these moments there is nothing more important then you.  It's hard for me to remember how frightened I was of being a father even as much as I wanted it to happen.  There is so much for your mama and I to teach you and I can't help feeling frightened that we might somehow get something wrong.  Those worries don't linger though and as your fingers grasp one of mine I realize we'll do fine.

I wish I could sit here with you all night, but already sleep is calling you back to it and I know we'll have more times like these to share.  Sleep well my angel, your Tata will be watching over you.

RotM/ Challenge:Ask an old person you know about their favorite dance?

Luka couldn't exactly say what had prompted his decision to call his father though he'd found himself doing so more and more since he had learned he would once more be a father.  For the first time in too long there was a part of him that was nudging him to return home for a visit, and it had led to his father's tempting him with talk of what he was missing.

"Luka..it's not too late."  The older Kovac's words came in his native tongue and Luka comfortably returned to it.

"Too late for what, Tata?"  He settled onto the couch as the conversation progressed, a smile breaking.

"The Brodsko kolo...you always loved to watch the dancers.  Think of it Luka, you could come back, it'd be like the old times when Mama would make us take her."  His voice held a hint of longing to reclaim some of the past that was no more.

"Tata..that's not fair, besides, it was your favorite too."  He found himself laughing without intending too.

"Think of the food, Luka...the wheel dancing...the tamburitza...the drink?"  The old man persisted, whittling his son down with too familiar references.

"I can't say I don't miss it, and I would love to see it again, it's just that I'm not sure I could get away now what with work and Abby's pregnancy."  He rubbed his brow with his fingertips as he realized the obstacles that he was up against in making an unplanned trip.

"Think about it, Luka...the summer festivals are just beginning, in Split, Zagreb, it's been too long."  Accepting that his son was not going to allow himself to be forced into a decision the man backed off slightly.

"I will, tata, I should go now though.  I miss you."

"I miss you too, Luka, you take care of yourself." Luka's father surrendered the end of the call to his son.

"I will, I love you, tata, I'll call again soon."

"I love you too, Luka."

Even as he heard the click and then the dialtone, Luka didn't immediately return the phone to the cradle.  His father was right, he had found himself missing the connections to his past more and more, maybe it was time to go back for a visit, he'd like for Abby to experience some of what his life had been like before he'd come to the States.  He replaced the phone in the cradle, it was something to consider.