Friday, November 20, 2009
Prompt 309 - What have you Forgotten? / Theatrical Muse
What haven't I forgotten? There's been so much over the years or at least I thought there was.
For a long time I was sure I had forgotten how to smile, how to laugh. I had forgotten that any kind of joy existed because all I knew was death and sadness. I wanted the world to be dark place, because I needed to live there as my punishment for surviving when my family did not.
I'd forgotten what it meant to have a sense of family, of belonging, of home, and that too was by my own choice. All of those things were reminders of those who were no longer with me and while I still had my father and Niko, even being with them became too much, I had to leave, I had to abandon everything and everyone that reminded me of Danijela and my children if I was to have any hope of moving forward.
Moving forward, that's a joke in itself, it was more like running away. I couldn't set down any roots, and I didn't dare allow myself to form any serious friendships. Having friends meant they would ask questions about my past, questions I didn't want to answer, it was easier to just pick up and go, so, that's what I did until I got to Chicago, then everything started to change.
For a while I forgot about my past, I began to think I might be allowed to start a new life, okay, maybe I was slipping into someone else ready-made family, but, it was still a family, and I was all right with that. How could I have been so gullible? By the time I remembered the damage was done.
I can't say what made me try again and when that too failed to work I found myself losing my hold on not just my personal life, but my professional one as well. For so long work had been my escape, and suddenly I seemed to have forgotten why I was doing what I was doing. Nothing mattered anymore, not the patients, not the job, I simply put in the hours and when I wasn't there I drank myself stupid, and became a person I hated to look at in the mirror.
It took my own near death for me to finally find my way back from the darkness, and as I stepped into the light I rediscovered life, love, joy, I found my wife, I became a father again. I've learned that everyday may not be perfect, but, that doesn't matter, because I can handle it and if at the end of the day I can hold my son, and kiss my wife, then nothing else matters.