Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Prompt 27.3 I Walk Alone by KISS/Writers Muses

I Walk Alone

by N/A
I look deep inside of me
there's a place but its not plain to see
I belong where no on else can be

Searching for myself again
Here I'm all alone and when
I Close my eyes -- no one else can see

I Walk Alone, can't you see
I don't belong, let me be
Everything I dreamed of being -- is me
And I got myself to lean on,
got both my feet on the ground

And you don't know me,
I don't know me
I can't see you ,
you can't see me
close my eyes and leave the world behind.

So I got no heart, got no home
Got no somewhere I belong
I don't know if everything is just fine

I Walk Alone, can't you see
I don¹t belong, let me be
Everything I dreamed of being
and I don't belong, can't you see
I Walk Alone, let me be
Everything I dreamed of being -- is me
And I got myself to lean on,
got both my feet on the ground

So I got no heart and I got no home
And I got no somewhere I belong
I don't know if -- everything is just.....

And I got myself to lean on,
got both my feet on the ground
And I got myself to lean on,
got both my feet on the ground

And I look deep inside of me
There's a place but it's not plain to see
where I belong where no one else can be

And I'm searching for myself again
And here I'm all alone and when
I close my eyes and no on else can see

Is it possible that I want too much? Carol, Abby, and now Sam...maybe it isn't possible to have again what I once had with Danijela, maybe, my hopes for again becoming a father are dreams never again to be fulfilled. How many times can I continue to put myself out there, make myself vulnerable to the pain that seems destined to come. Open myself up in the hope that maybe this time things will be different? Maybe it's time to leave again. Maybe it's time to me to pack things up and start over. I've allowed too many here to see my weaknesses and what have I gained from it? More pain? More loneliness?

I look back on the years I spent alone after Danijela's death, the emptiness I felt, and I remember wondering if I would ever find someone like her. Even as I was thinking that though, I found something holding me back and I knew that to allow someone in, I had to expose the past I had become so adept at hiding, and I don't think I was ready for that. I tried with Carol. In those early months I worked at County, she was the only one who knew the secrets of my past. Only with her did I dare share the story of my past, that carefully hidden memory of that fateful day in Vukovar when I lost Danijela and our children. I should have realized that what I thought might be possible between us could never really happen, and as much as Carol was trying to make it on her own, her heart belonged to another as mine once had. If my sight hadn't been clouded by my growing feelings for the twins, and for Carol, I'm sure I would have realized that what we were sharing wasn't love. If anything, it was more a common bond of loss, for we both were still grieving for those no longer with us and the only difference between us was that in the end she was able to go to hers where mine was gone forever.

I know it was my lingering feelings for Danijela that stood between Abby and I, and maybe too the fact that we didn't really talk. We tried, and I think that while we both would have liked for there to have been some way to make things work, the truth was, neither of us was ready for that to happen. If anything, the way we broke up showed us that better than anything else could have. I'll forever regret the words I threw at Abby that night, and I'm glad to say we have moved past them and found our way back into a friendship, I hope the same will be true for things with Sam in time. If it was difficult ending things with Carol, it was worse with Sam if only because I had come to have such strong feelings for Alex. As much as I loved Sam, I think the feelings I held for Alex ran even deeper, and they drew on that part of me that had grieved the loss of Carol's twins. As was the case with Abby though, so it was with Sam, and I found myself unable, or maybe unwilling to share the parts of my past that she seemed to think she needed to know. Worse then that though were our differences on what we wanted in a family and as much as I wanted more children, she knew she did not. In the end, all she could do was walk away.

So, here I am, back where I was so many years ago, alone, lonely, and wondering what the future has in store for me. Maybe it's time for me to move on, I have to question my decision to stay at times, especially with all that has happened, but, then I see Abby, and I wonder, maybe it's worth giving it another try...

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