I'm not really sure when it started, if I think back now on how things were when I was young and with Danijela it seems like we talked about everything. We didn't have secrets, we talked about not just what was going on in the moment, but, our dreams for the future as well. I know I'm not like that now, it's something that Abby has complained about more then once, and it bothered Sam enough that she arranged for us to see a therapist.
No, that's not true, if I'm honest with myself, I do know when it started, and why. Losing my family was like losing the best part of who I was and for over seven years I didn't look at another woman. Danijela had been the love of my life and without her and our children I no longer had a reason to live. I shut down, it was the only way I could go on without my family, and part of my shutting down was closing off the doors to my past, and anything that might let anyone see anything deeper then the image I was projecting.
I'd like to say that knowing what I've been doing is enough to make me stop, but, it's not. I can try, but, there are no guarantees that there still won't be things I keep to myself. Things that are still too hard for me to face, even with the woman I want to spend my life with. I guess all I can do is hope she's willing to give me time, one day, maybe I'll feel the time is right. One day, maybe I'll feel safe enough to open myself up to her completely. One day.