Thursday, September 18, 2008

Prompt 17.2: Does anything make you cry? If so, what?/On the Couch

Danijela and Jasna

Does anything make you cry? If so, what? Reminders to Danijela and our children, birthdays, the anniversary of when we married, the day I lost them.

Letting go makes me cry...

You would think that I would have reached a point after so long where I could mark these dates without all the emotion they bring, but, I can't. This year would have marked 24 years since Danijela and I first met. We would be celebrating 22 years of marriage. Our little girl, Jasna would have turned 22 as well, and Marko, our baby, Marko, would be nearing 19. None of those things happened though, because of what happened on that one fateful day, all of the tomorrows we had planned for had been stolen from us, leaving me only with one more anniversary to remember.

I've never really sat down and told Abby much about Danijela and our children, I've certainly never told her about the war, or about the day I lost my family.  It's funny, I've only really told three people more then the bare minimum of details of that time, and none of them are here now. I can't say why, other then it's just so hard to go back there and realize how much they missed.  I look at Joe now, and I realize that he's very near the age Marko was when he died.  I hear his laugh, and at times I can swear it's Marko's, and as proud as I was of him when he started to walk, a part of me grieved because Marko never did. I hate that I'm looking at each milestone my son makes as one that Marko never did, and I'm afraid it'll only get worse as Joe nears Jasna's age. All the things that a father looks forward to with their daughter, I never had a chance to do.

The move to Boston is a new beginning for Abby and I. We've realized that neither of us are ready to give up on the other or on our marriage.  We are determined to repair the damage that's been done, and that means finding a way to heal the emotional wounds brought on by all that has happened over this last year. As much as I want to give 100% to my wife and my marriage, I don't know if I can unless I find a way to finally put Danijela and our babies to rest. I know I can't continue to lessen Joe's accomplishments by grieving for what Marko and Jasna will never be able to do. I know too that as much as I will always love Danijela, it isn'tfair to Abby for me to cling so tightly to my feelings for her. Abby will never replace Danijela, anymore than Joe can replace Jasna and Marko.  In my head I know that, I just have to find a way for my heart to reach the same understanding. I know it'll come, it just takes time, I can only hope Abby has the patience to wait for me to get there.



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