Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Holmes Quote/Canon Muses

The great thing in this world is not so much where you stand, as in what direction you are moving.
— Oliver Wendell Holmes

Since Abby and I have begun talking about marriage, I've found myself spending more time thinking back on the years I had with Danijela. I think of all of the plans that we had for our lives, of our hopes, and our dreams for the future. We were really no different then so many around us, like our parents before us we embraced our faith, we cherished the closeness of family and friends. We knew that our children would be raised as we had been raised, and we had no reason to think the cycle wouldn't continue as they grew to adulthood. I don't think either of us ever could have imagined how wrong we would be, I know that we never counted on the changes war would bring with it.

There was a period of time after Danijela and our children died where I stopped living. It wasn't really that I was afraid to go forward, but more that in doing so I would be leaving behind a part of myself I wasn't ready to lose. I was grieving, I was in pain, what was the point? If I could have rewound time and placed myself with them on that fateful day, I was positive I would have done so.

I'm not sure when I began to start thinking about my life having a future again instead of simply living in the past, I know it wasn't anything intentional, but, rather a gradual shift in my mindset. Day by day I found less of my time being consumed with calling forth memories of those who could no longer be with me, I spent less time consoling myself with the company of the small black and white photo that was all I had to remember them by.

When I chose to leave Croatia my brother accused me of running away from my past, I wanted to see it as giving myself a chance at a life I didn't think I could have if I remained where reminders existed around every corner. The life I'm building with Abby shows that I made the right move all those years ago, so much so that I wonder if our future might now include a way back to my past as well. After all these years I find myself wanting to go home, I wonder if it's too late...

No comments: