Wednesday, April 25, 2007
1.56.3 Who or what brings out your protective instincts?/Realm of the Muse
I was raised to believe that an important part of marriage was being responsible for the care of my family. As a husband and father it would be up to me to make sure the needs of my wife and children were met. To insure that they always had a roof over their heads, that there was food on the table, that they were safe. When you're young you believe those are simple things to ask, your father has done them, and his father before him, how can you fail? You enter into your vows and you don't think that there is anything more then that, you certainly never imagine how quickly those beliefs can be ripped away from you when you find yourself in the middle of a war. You certainly never think you'll be asked to watch your child go to bed hungry, or cry themselves to sleep while bombs are exploding around them. I would have done anything then to insure the safety of my wife and children, in my own mind I think I thought I was, I learned the hard way how wrong I was when I lost them.
The loss of Danijela and my children changed me and for far too many years it closed off a huge part of who I was to most people. I guess in a way I thought it was a means of protecting myself, but in truth it was the fear of being asked to again protect someone else. It's taken years for me to lower the walls I built around myself and let anyone close to me, but the after-effects are still there, the need to protect, to make sure those close to me remain safe, those things never leave me.
I wish I could say that my instinct to protect those around me is always a good thing, but, it's not, there have been times when it's proved dangerous, and once even fatal. If those I love are in danger the need to protect them can become the only thing in my mind, and I'll do whatever it takes to see that happen. I don't think I realized how much I was ready to give up to see my family safe until that day I found Curtis Ames in our apartment. I always knew I would fight to protect them, but until that moment that I went out that door with him, leaving Abby and Joe safe, I didn't believe I would walk to what could have been my death for them.
I'll never know why Curtis Ames chose to take his own life on that rooftop that night instead of mine, I only know that he made me value that much more the gifts that Abby and Joe are to me. I knowtoo that were time to rewind that I would do the same thing all over again.