I thought I was waiting for death. After all the years I'd waited to begin living, all the years I wasted, I was sure it was finally going to claim me and I wasn't ready to go.
I didn't know what to think when Abby called and told me to come home. My first fear was that something had happened to Joe. I couldn't have stood to lose him, couldn't have gone through the motions of laying yet another of my babies to rest before they had a chance to know what it was like to live.
But if it wasn't Joe, then it must have been Abby, but, I couldn't understand why she wouldn't have told me why it was so important that I come home at just that moment. I should have known something was wrong, I should have heard it in her tone, if only I had been listening.
Once there the real reason was clear, Ames was there, terrorizing my son, my wife, subjecting them to fear neither should have had to know. Abby won't understand why I had to go with him, but, I had to, it was the only way to make sure they would both be safe.
I wanted so badly to pick Joe up and hold him before I left, to give him one last kiss, to inhale the scent of him so I could take it with me when I left. I wanted to embrace Abby, to kiss her and whisper my love for her in her ear so only she would hear. I couldn't do any of these things though because I couldn't let Ames know how much they meant to me, I coudn't risk him hurting them to get at me. I hope Abby understood the reason I had to go, in those moments, my life didn't matter, I couldn't resist and take the chance that he would hurt either of them.
I couldn't know what he had planned for me. I only saw the gun, knew that he had lost everything that had meant anything to him and that he blamed me for it, what else could I think?
Sitting in front of his wife's house, watching his children, the man she now called husband, that they called father, I could understand his pain, but it wasn't my fault. It didn't mean I deserved to lose my family, it didn't mean I deserved to lose my life. I don't even remember now what prompted him to hit me, I just felt the butt of the gun as it hit my jaw, and the pain, and I think that was the first time I realized he was capable of more than just talk. The first time I felt afraid.
I think up to then I thought I could talk him out of doing anything, we could both go home and pretend this had never happened. I was wrong, so very wrong.
He took me to his house, he told me of the dreams he'd had for his life, the dreams he blamed me of stealing away from him. I never thought there could be something worse then waiting to die. He wanted me to know what it was like to lose the use of my hand. I begged hm, pleaded with him, I'm a doctor, my hands are my life, other people's lives depend on them, he didn't care. He forced me to place my right hand in a vice and turn it, I've never known such pain, then he kicked it even tighter and I was sure I would pass out. In those moments I almost wished he would just kill me so the pain would stop.
But he didn't, maybe it was because the police had found him, found us, I don't know. He forced me to the roof, I could hear the police sirens, there was a helicopter, it was insane, I was sure it was over. He had the gun out, he'd shoot me, then himself and it would be done. They tried to talk him down, but he wouldn't listen, he wanted me to say I was sorry, to say I was responsible for everything that had happened to him, and in the end I did. What else could I do?
The rest was a blur...the gun went off, Ames ended up the one who was dead, and there were police all over the roof. I don't think it really hit me that it was over until I saw Abby in the street, I came so close to losing her, to losing everything, and I don't ever want to know that feeling again.
Muse: Luka Kovac
Fandom: ER/Misc. TV