Prompt 5.3. Alcohol, drugs and sex/ On the Couch

A number of years ago I went through a difficult time, Abby and I had broken up after our first time together and she was seeing someone else, and I wasn't handling it very well. I found myself thinking too much of the life I'd had with Danijela, and without even realizing it, I began comparing the success of my marriage, to the failures I seemed to experience when I ventured into relationships with first Carol and then Abby. I couldn't tell you exactly when it happened, but, somewhere in the midst of all of that I decided I didn't deserve to have anyone care about me anymore. I started drinking too much, living fast, sleeping around with different women, but, worst of all, my carelessness cost a patient his life, and it almost cost a medical student hers as well.

I woke up one morning and I realized that everything I thought I had was gone, gone or broken, and I knew I had to get away. I don't know that I consciously had a death wish when I went to the Congo, but, I do know that I was taunting it. In the beginning, even there I didn't change my behavior all that much. I would work 16 hours straight, then I would drink whatever was handy until my mind was numb before I would head for bed, and I rarely ended up there alone.

I'd lay awake in those early morning hours, and I would sometimes wonder what Danijela would think of me if she were to see the man I had become. The answer inevitably would lead me back into whatever bottle was closest because I had no doubt that I would disgust her, everything I'd become was what she'd been warned against in those earliest days of our relationship. I began to wonder why Gillian would want my company, until I realized she was just as lost as I was, she just hadn't recognized it in herself yet.

My capture by the Mai Mai and the murder of Patrique changed me, even now it's difficult for me to talk about. To know that Patrique forfeited his life to save mine, to know that Sakima put her life, and that of her daughter's at risk to protect me after all they had endured. I'm alive because they saw something of value in my life, something that I hadn't been able to see for far too long.

When John found the three of us in that windowless shack I was near death. I suffered from not just physical injuries inflicted during my captivity, but, the effects of dehydration, and malaria. While I didn't know it at the time, I found our later that he'd come to claim my body, somehow word had gotten back to County of my death, and he felt he owed it to me to bring me home.

Home. I had plenty of time to think about what I'd been doing with my life and what the future held for me as I recovered. I knew that I couldn't keep going the way I had been, Patrique had given his life for mine, Sakima had risked hers and her daughter's, I owed it to them to turn my life around. I couldn't undo the mistakes I'd made in the past, but I could do my best to make sure that no more lives were lost because of my carelessness, to make sure that no more innocents were hurt. Because they had seen the value in my life, I could once more become the man Danijela would have been proud to call her husband. I'd been given the chance to once more start over and I wasn't going to waste that gift.

2 C. 4. Have you loved as much as you have been loved?/True Writers

The first time I saw Danijela I knew she was the woman I wanted to spend my life with. I know, most people don't believe in love at first sight but, there is no doubt in my mind that those are the feelings I felt for her on that very first day. Danijela was only 16 when we met, I was barely 18 myself, we were sure we'd have a lifetime to spend together so we thought nothing of waiting until she herself turned 18 to get married.

In the two years we waited to begin our lives together we talked about everything and nothing, we made plans for our future, and shared our hopes and dreams. We talked about the children we knew we would have, my career, the importance of our families to each of us, and yes, we even talked about sex. With both Danijela and I being Catholic, and her age at the time we met, we both agreed we would wait. What was our rush, we had a lifetime to be together? If there remained any doubts in our sincerity, they were gone by the time Danijela turned 18, and within days of her birthday we were husband and wife. We had our entire lives ahead of us, and we couldn't have been any happier.

Prompt 4.2. Justify your actions/On the Couch

This last year has been a difficult one for my wife and I, both for personal and professional reasons.  Even before we had a chance to take our honeymoon, I received word that my Father was seriously ill, and without really discussing it with Abby, I knew I had no choice but to fly back to Croatia to be with him.

I've been living in the States since 1999, in the time since I've only been back to see my Father twice, and even then, there were things left unsaid that I knew needed to be dealt with.  As difficult as it might be for me to leave Abby and Joe, I wasn't willing to take a chance of something happening to him before we had a chance to smooth over the differences between us.

In a perfect world I would have been able to take Abby and Joe with me to see my Father. In a perfect world I would have been able to use the trip as a way to allow my family to meet them, for my Father to meet the grandson he thought he would never again have. Unfortunately we don't live in a perfect world and when the time came for me to leave, I went alone.

I don't think either Abby or I realized what might happen in the time I was away, I know I certainly never intended to be gone as long as I was, but, I also had forgotten how stubborn my Father was. I thought I could go back home, I could see what was wrong with him, and after talking to his doctors I could convince him to return to the States with me for treatment.  Did I say that I had forgotten how stubborn my Father could be?

My Father had other plans.  He knew his time on this earth was running out and he wanted to spend it among friends and family in the land he had been born on.  No matter how much I pleaded with him, or how hard I argued, he refused to budge, and all that I was left was for me to stay, at least if I was there, I knew he was getting the care he needed.

It wasn't just my Father's physical needs that kept me in Croatia though, there were ghosts hanging over us, issues that we had avoided facing since I'd left Croatia for the States, and some even longer then that.

When I arrived in Zagreb and saw just how ill my Father was, I knew that I couldn't just arrange for his care and leave again.  As much as I missed Abby and Joe, I knew that the time I had left with my Father was timethat I would never have again, and there were things that needed to be said, amends that needed to be made.  Most importantly, was making peace with Niko, something that I knew would not come easily for either of us.

In those first months when I came home after losing my family I was lost, I wanted nothing to do with anyone from my past, and the very thought of being anywhere that I'd been with Danijela or my babies left me sick.  At the time that I made the decision to leave Croatia I knew that I had to go if I had any hope for moving forward with my life, but, my brother saw it only as running away.  The arguments we had in those days leading up to my departure were angry ones, we both said things we didn't mean, we both said things that even now cause pain to us. I couldn't take back what was said anymore than he could, but, by going I knew I could try and explain why I felt as I did and as hard as it was, I could listen to him as he explained why he felt as he did.

Six months.  It took six months for me to reach the point where I felt that my Father's condition was stable enough for me to return to Abby and Joe. Six months. In that time there had been successes in Croatia, with my Father's health, with my relationship with Niko.  In six months I had been able to do more to find peace with the ghosts of my past then I'd been able to do in almost 17 years, but, at what price?

I have to believe that my staying there with my Father was the right thing to do.  I have to believe that the mistakes that Abby made, are ones I can forgive her for.  I have to believe that our love is strong enough to survive all of this.  Even as I try to believe all of these things, I struggle not to blame myself for not being there in those final moments of my Father's life, but, I have to believe that God had his reason's for that as well, and in the end that is the greatest change that has come over me in all this time.

So, once more I returned to Croatia, only this time I did not go alone.  This time I had the support of my brother, the comfort of my son, and in time, my wife as well.  We're a work in progress, but, I have to believe that given the choice to do things all over again, I would change nothing, except perhaps to have found a way for Joe and Abby to have joined me.  If I have any one regret above all others, it's that my Father never had a chance to spend time with Joe, and that is the one that will haunt me, even as I know it was out of my hands to control.

Step Two: 4. "When we forget God, He remembers us." L.M. Montgomery/aamuses

For almost ten years I turned my back on the Church. I denied my faith, but, if I am ashamed of one thing more than all others, it is the hate I held in my heart toward God for taking Danijela and my babies from me.

I was raised a Catholic in a country where religion plays a very large part in our lives. I  remember as a child going to Church with my Mother and being mesmerized by the music, and I sometimes think if I hadn't become a doctor, she would have wished either my brother or I had become a Priest. It didn't happen for either of us, but, our faith still played a large part in our lives. It was as natural a part of who I was as breathing or eating, and if someone had told me I would ever think differently, I would have called them crazy.

When I met Danijela, it was a surprise to no one to find that she too was Catholic, and as we discussed our future, there was no doubt that our children would be baptized and raised as Catholics as well.  I don't know that either of us thought about how much our faith meant to us, or even influenced our lives until the war began, and then we found ourselves calling on it for strength far too often.

On the day our apartment building was hit, I prayed more then I had prayed at any time in my life.  God had already taken my baby boy from me, I'd seen him the moment I'd entered the ruins but, he could still save my little girl, he could still save my beautiful Danijela. For hours I did CPR on Jasna, knowing that if I stopped I'd lose her as I'd already lost little Marko, too late I realized that my wife was bleeding out, and when exhaustion finally forced me to stop, she was gone too.  Why had God deserted us? What terrible things could my family have done to cause him to desert them when they needed him so desperately? 

I buried my family on a cold November morning.  There was no one there but the Priest and myself, and on that day I swore I would never again set foot in a church.  If he cared so little for us then I wanted nothing more to do with him either.  Feelings of hate began replacing my faith, and if I prayed for anything in those final days before I realized the futility of it, it was only that he would find some way to claim my life so I could once more be with my family.

It neverhappened though, and for over nine years I wandered lost, and alone.  In those years I turned my back on everything that reminded me of those I had lost, everything that made me feel anything but my anger. I survived that way for nine years and I'd almost convinced myself that I had succeeded until that day I met Bishop Stewart, and somehow he found a way to see inside me. 

Some would say God sent Bishop Stewart to me, the Bishop himself felt it was his calling to take the pain I had carried inside me for so long with him as he moved on. I'll never know how he knew all he did about me, how he saw what I thought I concealed so well, but, in time he opened the door I had closed so long ago.  On the day he offered to hear my confession, I admit to being afraid, I'd told no one all I had gone through that day.  I'd kept that nightmare for my own, and now, he was asking me to turn it over to him and the man I had held responsible, and I did.

How do I describe the feelings I felt when it was over?  Relief, sadness, loss, they were all there, all but the one I had held so tightly for those nine years, the blame was gone.  Finally I saw things through his eyes, the hopelessness of it all, there was no way I would ever have been able to choose one over the other so all he could do was take them both. It's my destiny to live so that their memories stay alive, and that too was a piece of the puzzle I'd failed to remember.  More importantly, I was meant to live for those who were still to come, for Joe, for the life I would one day have with he and Abby, God knew that even as I was grieving for my first family.

I'm reclaiming my faith now, slowly, small pieces at a time, and while it may not work for Abby, it's a part of who I am, who my family was, that I want to share with my son.  We baptized Joe when he was still in the NICU, one day I'll explain all that to him. I'll share other parts of the Church with him as well, and as my Mother did with me, we'll go to Mass, and maybe, just maybe, he'll enjoy the music as I did, and within it, he'll find his faith, and know about the special angels that I'm sure are watching over him. 
 

Prompt 19.2: My partner will always have to understand that I..../Couples Therapy

My partner will always have to understand that I....will always love Danijela.

This has always been a sore spot between Abby and I, in fact, I have no doubt that it was one of the key reasons behind our breaking up the first time we were together. I know that Abby wanted to be sympathetic the loss of my family, even if it was a subject we only tiptoed around in the time we were first together. In fact when we were hurling insults at each other, one of the worst things she could think to say to me, was that I was married to a ghost.  In a way, I wonder if she wasn't right.

I rarely spoke of my family to anyone, and in my first two years at County, I could count on one hand the number of people who knew any specific details of Danijela or our children.  Sure, in time, people knew I'd lost my wife and that I'd lost children as well, but few knew the details, and even fewer would dare to ask me anything about them.

Danijela was my first love.  We met when she was just 16, and we both knew that we would one day marry.  We had two years to get to know each other, and when she turned 18 with our parent's blessings, we married. I have no doubt that had the war not taken Danijela and our children from me, we would still be married, we would have watched our children grow, and shared their joy as they found their first loves.  We weren't given that chance though, and while they were ripped away from me, my love for them, for Danijela, remains.

Abby's initial reaction was not an isolated one, I went through the same thing, if not worse when I dated Sam, and in the end, she too found it too much. Things with Abby this time are better though, and while we don't talk often about Danijela and our children, I no longer feel like I have to keep everything to myself.  It's a start, and as with anything else, we can only hope things will continue to get better for us as time goes on.

Prompt 1.5: Only Child/True Writers

I  remember the moment that Abby asked me if one child would be enough for me. We had nearly lost Joe, her own life had been in danger, and she was worried that I would somehow be disappointed in finding out that she could no longer give me another child. How do you answer someone when they ask you something like that? She had already given me the gift of a son, a son I never thought I would have and of all the things she should be worrying about, her concerns were for me. How do I tell her that her decision to keep Joe meant more to me than anything she's ever done? How could I possibly show her how much I love her?

For as long as I can remember I've wanted to be a father. In the two years before we married, Danijela and I often spoke about the size of the family we wanted, how quickly we'd start trying after we were married, and how important it was to both of us that we stay close to our families. I'm sure it was no surprise to anyone when within a month of our marriage, we broke the news that Danijela was pregnant with our first child, and nine months later Jasna was born. It would be almost three years before Danijela became pregnant again, and while we had desperately wanted Jasna to have brothers and sisters, in the years she was our only child, she was loved and spoiled by grandparents and great-grandparents on both sides of our families.

When Marko was born, we knew we had been twice blessed and the joy we had felt at being parents of our daughter were now doubled with the birth of our son. At 3 1/2, Jasna delighted in her new role of big sister, and where once she was content to spend her time mothering her favorite doll, it soon became clear, especially in those early months, that none of them compared to her new baby brother.

I wish I could say that our lives from there only continued to get better. I wish I could say that all of the hopes and dreams Danijela and I had for our future, and that of our children's came true, but I can't, and they didn't. I had 7 years with my first love, Danijela, 5 with our baby girl, Jasna, and only a mere 18 months with our little boy before the war stole them all from me. After 17 years all I have left of them is a small black and white photo of my wife and daughter, my memories, and the gaping hole that seems only to grow larger with each passing year as time steals away pieces of those memories.

So, as Abby asks me if Joe will be enough for me, she may as well be asking me if life itself is enough for me, for in a sense that is what she is giving me, she is giving me back the part of life I thought was lost to me forever. Every moment I spend with Joe, no matter how small, is a gift to me, and if my life were to end tomorrow I can now say I am once more whole, I am once more a father and of all the things I might be in my life, I can think of none that makes me prouder.

Prompt 235: Show us where you live/Theatrical Muse

We've decided to leave Chicago, for the sake of our marriage, for the sake of our family, we've decided we have to start fresh.  It wasn't an easy decision, but, when Abby and I sat down and looked at all we had been through, when we looked at where we were with our marriage and our lives, and where we wanted to be, we realized we had no choice.  If there was going to be any hope for us moving past the things that had happened over this last year, we have to to start over again. 

I'm not exactly sure how we decided on Boston, though now that we have I find myself looking forward to it.  Before that can happen, we must first say good-bye to things here in Chicago, and that means packing up the apartment and saying good-bye to the friends we've made while working at County.

I've been in Chicago for almost 9 years, and in that time I've only lived three places, when I first arrived I was what they called a "moonlighter." I worked at County only when they were short a doctor and I lived on a boat, as the weather turned, I pulled up anchor, and like the birds, I headed south. I think in a way, it allowed me in those early years I was in the States, to keep a connection to some of the happier memories I had of life back in Croatia.

When I made the decision to settle permanently in Chicago, and sold the boat, I moved into one of the downtown hotels, which seems strange to most people, but, for me it was a good deal.  In exchange for me acting as an in house doctor for any guests or staff who needed one, and they gave me a discounted room rate.  So, being single, I got not just a place to stay, but, room, maid, and laundry services. It seemed like a perfect arrangement for both of us.

When I first found the apartment we have now it was just a huge empty space.  I remember when I the first real furnishings I bought for it in fact were my Sony Play Station and a large aquarium, coincidentally, it was also at that same time that Abby and I broke up the first time we were dating.  In a way I think I used the renovation of the apartment as a means for me to keep distracted, but, it didn't work real well, and I went through some very dark times in that year including my making the decision to go to the Congo, which almost cost me my life.

I don't think their would ever be any doubt that the two bedroom apartment was decorated by a man, it's colors are mostly earth tones, and it leans heavily to dark greens. Except for the short period of time that first Nicole, then Sam and Alex stayed here, I'd always lived here alone. I opened my door to Abby the first time before we started seeing each other again. When one of her neighbors attacked her and she didn't feel safe in her own apartment, it made sense for me to me to make the offer, but, it wasn't until she'd broken up with Carter, and I with Sam that she started spending more time here again.  As we became more serious and she learned she was pregnant, it  seemed like the right time for Abby to move into my apartment and in time Neela moved into hers.

Now though, it's time to let it go, it's time for us to let all of this go.  There are too many things here that we both need to forget and we can't do that if we are constantly surrounded by reminders of the mistakes we've made. I can't say I won't miss the apartment, it's been my first real home since the one I had with Danijela all those years ago, but this one was always mine, and now it's time that Abby and I got one that is ours.  Yeah, it's more then time.