If you knew the world would end in one week, what would you do?/Creative Muses

Had you asked me this question years ago, when I was young, before I'd seen what I've seen, lived through all I have experienced, my answer would have been so very different, but age changes so much. In a sense you could say my world has already ended once, and while most people wouldn't understand a statement like that, those who've lived through war will.

You enter life with an innocence, and because of that innocence you accept what the elders in your life teach you without question. But, as much as this innocence teaches you to trust those around you to protect you, it also prevents you from believing that men are capable of the evils that they are until you come face to face with them. At least that was how it was with me.

I grew up thinking I had the perfect life, I had family who loved me, I lived in one of the most beautiful places in the world, I had met and married the woman of my dreams and together we were building our own loving family. The only thing that could make our lives anymore perfect would be for me to graduate from medical school so that we could return to Zagreb where we would once again be close to family and friends. We never counted on a war, and we certainly never counted on the world as we knew it ending, but, it did, and in an instant it seemed, the life I had known was gone.

It has taken me over fifteen years to find my way back from the hell I found myself in after my wife and children were killed. The journey to where I am now has not been an easy one. I've made more mistakes than I want to think about and there have been many times when I hated the person I had become, but, I don't know that I could have gotten to the place I am now without learning the lessons that came with those mistakes.

So, knowing all I know now, and having been through all I have, if I knew that I would once again face the loss of my world, and if I had only a week left with them, I would take Abby and Joe back to my father's home in Croatia. I want Abby and Joe to see the beauty of my homeland, even if its only for that short time, and I want my father to spend time with the grandchild he thought he would never live to see. I can think of no better way to spend my final days then with those I love in the Country I was born in.

Tell the story of one of your past scars./Theatrical Muse Challenge

Ever since Abby had accepted his proposal of marriage he had felt a sense of guilt weighing on him he could no longer ignore.  This wasn't something he could talk to anyone at work about, and as hard as it was to admit, it wasn't even anything he could share with Abby.  The sad truth was, it wasn't even anything new, when he and Abby had broken up years ago she had used it against him.  "You're married to a ghost." She had hurled the words at him as a means to hurt him, but, the fact was in his mind they were still true, and always would be, and now he had to find a way to balance those feelings with all that was happening.

As he entered the Church and genuflected Luka found the mixed emotions overwhelming, why had he chosen the Bishop's church to do this? As if it wasn't hard enough juggling the feelings he was having about betraying the vows he had made to Danijela, now he was compounding things by adding his treatment of the Bishop to them.

As he rose he couldn't help but remember the last time he had been in the Church.  He'd turned his back on the Church because he couldn't separate his need to lay blame for Danijela and his children's deaths from the comfort that he'd once found in their shared faith.  For nine years he had lived with the emptiness created not just by the loss of his family but the loss of something that had been a part of him since he was a child, and then he had met Bishop Stewart.

The man's face came vividly to mind as he walked across the Church and to the small alcove that held the flickering candles, reminders from others like him of those gone but never forgotten. Pulling his wallet from his back pocket he withdrew a ten before replacing it then tucked the bill in one of the small offering envelopes.

Closing his eyes he drew a deep breath, he hadn't expected this to be so hard, it might well have been days instead of years since they had passed, but, it hadn't been.  It had been six years since the Bishop had moved on to join his maker, six years since he had convinced him to share the burden that until that day he had born alone. He lit the first candle in the Bishop's memory, then reached for the next, the first of three that were meant to remember those who had brought him here in the first place. 

It had been just over fifteen years since they had been taken, Jasna, his oldest at five, was wise far beyond her years.  How many nights had he sat with her and listened to her hopes for when the war was over, her dreams for a future she would never know?

The next candle was more difficult if only because it seemed that Marko had been so much more in his thoughts since Joe had been born.  His firstborn son had been just eighteen months old when he had died, too young to say more than the simplest of words, too young to remember a time other than that which robbed him of his young life.  How many times had he already seen something in Joe that reminded him of the older brother he would never know?  Setting the small candle next to the first two, he reached for the final one, the one that was meant for Danijela.

She had been gone now for almost as many years as the age she was when they first met, that memory alone was enough to push the tears that he'd thus far managed to hold back, over the edge. It was hard to believe that it had been so long when it seemed only yesterday that they had sworn their undying love to each other. After setting her candle next to the other three he retreated to the pew in front of them.

There no denying that he loved Abby or that he wanted to marry her, but what would it take to erase the feeling that he was somehow betraying the vows he had exchanged with Danijela by committing to a life with her now?  She had held so much of his heart for so long, how did he ask her to release that, to allow another to take that from her?  Moving to kneel on the footstool he steepled his fingers before closing his eyes.

"Help me...I don't know how to ask for your permission without hurting you." The tears fell freely now, wetting his cheeks as he struggled for a way to find a compromise in his mind that would allow him to love both women, without slighting either. 

"I love you so much, but I love her too..." He'd held onto his grief for so long, buried it, never allowing anyone to get as close as Danijela had gotten...until now.

It was time

Night Out 10/? Back Alley/100 Situations

The increase in the tension of the robbers had an immediate effect on their hostages and while some simply gave into the tears born of their fear, among most there was a pronounced increase in the level of the conversations among them.

"Shut the fuck up! So help me I'm gonna start shooting people if you don't shut your mouths." The announcement from the robber stunned almost everyone into immediate silence, not just because of the threat but because he was the one that to this point had been the silent one, the one they thought they had least to fear.  Clearly, tensions were rising and not just among the hostages.

Bobby...back off,we need to figure a way out of this."  Albert returned to the front window, pulling the curtain aside only enough to get a glimpse of the street outside.

"Why don't you just let everyone go, before things get worse then they already are?" The words were out of Luka's mouth before Abby could stop him.

"You were told to keep your mouth shut." Whether it was fear or something more that drove him, it was the youngest of the three that reacted to Luka's words and before either of the other two men could stop him he was on him. His first kick doubled the Croat over, the ones that followed would leave him gasping for breath on the floor before Albert could pull him off.

"What the hell are you doing?  You want to kill him? You were supposed to be checking the back alley, keeping an eye on what's going on out there, and you, get your ass up." After assuring himself that Joey was finally doing as he'd been told Albert nudged Kovac with the toe of his shoe, when he made no effort to comply he reached down and grabbed a handful of his shirt and jerked him upright.

"I said I wanted you up, so help me, I'll turn him lose on you again." His voice held the promise of a threat that he'd have no trouble acting on.

"Can't you see he's hurt...untie me, I'll keep him sitting if that's what you want." Abby offered the compromise without worrying about the consequences to herself. As the robber released his hold on Luka's shirt and he watched the man simply curl into himself again he realized he'd have to make a choice.

"Alright, but you try anything, and I mean anything, and he's the first to die. You got me?" As he finished speaking Albert stepped behind Abby and untied her hands.

"I mean it, you get him up and you keep him up, anything happens and he dies first." Without waiting for her response he stepped away from their hostages, things were not going well at all.

"Bobby! What's happening in the back alley?"

 

 

1.56.3 Who or what brings out your protective instincts?/Realm of the Muse

I was raised to believe that an important part of marriage was being responsible for the care of my family. As a husband and father it would be up to me to make sure the needs of my wife and children were met. To insure that they always had a roof over their heads, that there was food on the table, that they were safe. When you're young you believe those are simple things to ask, your father has done them, and his father before him, how can you fail? You enter into your vows and you don't think that there is anything more then that, you certainly never imagine how quickly those beliefs can be ripped away from you when you find yourself in the middle of a war. You certainly never think you'll be asked to watch your child go to bed hungry, or cry themselves to sleep while bombs are exploding around them. I would have done anything then to insure the safety of my wife and children, in my own mind I think I thought I was, I learned the hard way how wrong I was when I lost them.

The loss of Danijela and my children changed me and for far too many years it closed off a huge part of who I was to most people. I guess in a way I thought it was a means of protecting myself, but in truth it was the fear of being asked to again protect someone else. It's taken years for me to lower the walls I built around myself and let anyone close to me, but the after-effects are still there, the need to protect, to make sure those close to me remain safe, those things never leave me.

I wish I could say that my instinct to protect those around me is always a good thing, but, it's not, there have been times when it's proved dangerous, and once even fatal. If those I love are in danger the need to protect them can become the only thing in my mind, and I'll do whatever it takes to see that happen. I don't think I realized how much I was ready to give up to see my family safe until that day I found Curtis Ames in our apartment. I always knew I would fight to protect them, but until that moment that I went out that door with him, leaving Abby and Joe safe, I didn't believe I would walk to what could have been my death for them.

I'll never know why Curtis Ames chose to take his own life on that rooftop that night instead of mine, I only know that he made me value that much more the gifts that Abby and Joe are to me. I knowtoo that were time to rewind that I would do the same thing all over again.

Night Out 9/? whisper in 100 Situations

With the patrons all finally secured, and having gathered up their haul, the three moved back to the front of the restaurant, leaving their hostages alone for the first time since they had entered. Not surprisingly, most began to talk among themselves immediately, some simply to offer comfort to spouses, others to complain, though wisely not loud enough to be overheard. Abby's concern was on Luka as he struggled again to sit, and she watched him for signs of more serious injuries than what he had exhibited before.

"Luka, are you all right" She kept her voice low, barely above a whisper as she spoke.

"I don't know." He shook his head, then immediately regretted it as his headache seemed to worsen. 

"I think my head's going to explode." He winced as he tested the restraints on his wrists and found himself rewarded with a tightening of them.

"I sorry, Luka." Abby's concern was written clearly on her face as she studied his face for changes from her earlier exam of him.

"Sorry for what?" He shifted his full attention to her as he picked up the change in the tone of her voice.

"For not listening to you earlier, when you said you felt like something wasn't right, I should have trusted your instincts, and I didn't." Abby dropped her eyes from his face with the admission.

"Abby, look at me."  Luka waited until she was looking at him again before continuing.

"You couldn't have known this was going to happen, I didn't even know what was wrong, don't blame yourself."  He glanced toward the entrance where the men were gathered then back to her.

"They've got what they wanted, there's no reason for them to stay, they'll probably be leaving any time, you'll see."  The words were no sooner out of his mouth then there was a yell from the door.

"Damn!  Joey, go check the back, son of a bitch, there are cops outside." Albert had drawn the curtain back to look over the street and now let it fall as he turned to his brother with raised hands.

"What are you waiting for?  Go check the back."

to be continued...

Bridge in Fog/Canon Muses

What was he doing? Even as he walked the deserted streets of Vukovar he knew how dangerous it was, maybe that was the point, maybe he was taunting them, daring them to set their sights on him as they had so many others before him. It wasn't as if he wasn't aware of the danger, how could he not know it intimately? Since Danijela and the children had been buried his life had become the hospital, day in and day out he and those like him were left to try and salvage the lives forever changed by the snipers and mortars. If only that were enough. 

Crossing the bridge he stopped and moved to the side, as he stared at the swirling waters below he could feel the the pull of it.  It would be so easy to just climb over it, he would disappear and it would all be over.  The thought was one that came too frequently, but was one that he knew too he could never act on, not if he was to hold any hope for reuniting with Danijela and the children.

Drawing a breath he forced himself to look away, this wasn't the answer anymore then tempting the snipers was, but that didn't stop him from doing it. How long would it take before the guilt would retreat enough to allow him to return to some sort of a normal life again?  Would it ever happen? The only surety in all of this was that he wouldn't find the answers here anymore then he had found them within the church that seemed to have abandoned them. All that was left to him now was his work, and with that in mind he began the slow walk across the fog shrouded bridge and back toward the hospital.

 

Would you ever kill a human being?/Theatrical Muse Challenge

Would I? The question best asked is have I? As a doctor I deal with life and death on a daily basis but that isn't what I mean and I wouldn't even begin to hide behind that as a way to avoid accepting responsibility for what I've done. I've lived through a war, seen my wife and two young children and far too many others taken before their time, but I don't even use that as an excuse for what I've done. No, I don't think it's fair to them or their memories to try and excuse my actions by using even the grief and anger I carry at those losses.

I have killed someone.

I don't know that I even realized how much rage lay hidden inside of me until that cold Chicago night when Abby and I were attacked by that anonymous mugger. We were walking along the river when he came out of nowhere, I don't know that I even saw him at first, I felt something strike the back of my head and the next thing I knew I was on the ground and I heard Abby's scream. The rest comes in a blur, I got to my feet and pulled him off of her, the rage had me fully in it's grip and suddenly he became responsible for hurting everyone I had ever seen in pain. I grabbed his lapels and slammed his head into the pavement and once I had started I couldn't seem to stop myself. I don't know how many blows he suffered at my hands before Abby was able to stop me, I do know his skull was shattered. He was alive when he arrived at the hospital but there was nothing anyone could do, I had killed him. I knew it, and there was nothing anyone could say to change that. The police excused what I had done by saying my actions were clearly ones of self-defense, but, I question that, knowing at anytime I could have stopped, if only I had been able to control the rage