Ghosts 1/37

Chapter 1

An ER fanfic that takes place following the "Bishop Stewart" Arc

He had needed the time away...a chance to deal with issues he'd buried and never really faced.  It had been almost 10 years since he had lost Danijela and the children and still he could barely manage to talk about them without feeling as if his heart was being ripped from his chest.  The hours he'd spent with the Bishop had forced him to face the demons he'd hidden away within himself..but the time off had allowed him to truly grieve their losses and maybe to finally put them behind him.  As he entered the hospital for the first time in a month he felt like he was beginning life anew...and maybe he was.

He nodded to Malik as he passed on his way into the lounge...he hadn't spoken to anyone since he'd been gone...and he couldn't help wondering if that might make his return a bit strained.  At the time he had felt it was the only way for him to get through everything...the Bishop had given him back his faith....and in a way his family as well...but it had taken a month of solitude for him to really realize that.  He hung his bag in the locker and pulled out the white jacket...no..he'd needed to do this on his own.  Almost as an afterthought he opened the bag and pulled the copy of the worn photo out and stuck it into the edging of the metal door.  With a sigh he traced his finger across the two images and wished he'd had a reminder of Marko as well...no..he rubbed his hand across his face then reached for the stethoscope and hung it around his neck.  He wasn't going to dwell on their loss...he closed the locker and headed for the door.

With no sign of anyone to run the board with and a surprising lull in new patients, Luka grabbed the stack of end of shift discharge files and carried them to the Doctor's Lounge.  Dropping the pile on the table he pulled a chair out and lowered himself into it as he reached for the top folder.  The least he could do was help sign off on some of the resident's charts as he waited he thought as he flipped it open.  Resting his elbow on the table he propped his head on his forefinger and thumb, idly sucking on the tip of his ringfinger as he read.  The work was tedious but he knew as well as any attending that any mistakes would come back on them, so it was mandatory they review them.  He signed off on the chart and closed it, setting it aside before reaching for the next.  He was barely halfway through the stack when the door opened and Malik stuck his head inside.

"Dr. Kovac, paramedics are coming in with a 14 year old, bike versus truck, can you take it?"  Luka finished signing the chart and nodded, "Sure...let me drop these back at the desk and I'll be right there..."

As he stepped out of the Emergency Room doors Luka was immediately thrust into the organized chaos that marked the arrival of an ambulance..several nurses waited for his instructions and he motioned Malik forward as he approached the doors.  "What do we have?"  He called to the paramedic as soon as the doors swung clear..."Unresponsive 14 year old male ..bike versus truck..possible skull fracture..broken right femur.."  The paramedic continued to recite the extent of her findings as Kovac evaluated his condition.  As they wheeled him into Trauma One he had already begun to order the tests he needed and now shifted his attention to stabilizing the boy for surgery.

It took over three hours for those attending him to bring the boy anywhere close to where he could be taken to surgery and as they wheeled his out Luka pulled the bloody gloves and gown off and tossed them in the bin.  The boy had gone sour twice and both times Kovac had managed to bring him back, but the strain the efforts had taken were showing on him..he wearily rubbed his eyes..then lowered his hand as Haleh spoke..."I'm sorry?"  He rolled his shoulders in a failed attempt to loosen the stiffness that had settled into them.  "The boy's family are in the waiting room..can you talk to them?"  He ran his hand back through his hair..."Sure...what was the last name? " Haleh looked at the notes..."Kessler."  Nodding Luka headed out of the room...the boy's condition was grave and there was no guarantee that he would even make it out of the OR alive..this was not the kind of news he wanted to bring to the expectant relatives.

Haleh stayed with him until she could point the family out then headed for the Nurses Station and he slowed to try and gauge what he might be facing with them.  The fact that they all stood in a half circle around an older man..probably a Grandfather said much...but as he got closer he head something that chilled him in a way he could not have anticipated.  He stopped in mid stride..cocking his head to see if he had heard what he thought he had...he felt his stomach seize..there was no mistaking it now..the family was speaking in a Serbian dialect. He looked to see if they had noticed him then turned and headed towards the outer Emergency Room doors.

As he cleared the doors he doubled over, trying to find air that suddenly seemed not to be there...in his mind he knew he was hyperventilating, but that did nothing to ease the panic he felt.  Serbs...his mind whirled as he tried to calm the irrational panic...he'd thought he would never have to hear the language again...and now he had fought to keep one alive.  He straightened and let his gaze move to the sky...he closed his eyes..willing himself to relax, only to see the bodies of Danijela and the children...no.  He shook his head and started across the drive...

It wasn't until he cleared the stairs and was comforted by the sound of the passing train that Luka realized that his flight had taken him to the el tracks...what would they think had happened to him?  He took a seat on the bench of the empty platform and let his head drop into his hands...massaging his eyes with the heels.  Why did this have to happen today?  He had spent the last month putting these demons to rest only to, in one stark moment, have them forced back into his thoughts.  He sat back leaning his head on the railing behind him his mind returning to his past...

<Croatian> "You should get out of the City while you still can..."  He heard the Chief's voice as clearly as he had the last day he saw him.  "I can't leave them.."  He sipped at the tepid liquid that had replaced the coffee they could no longer come by.  "Luka...you are alive..they are not...you are still young..go while you can."  The man persisted..then turned at the sound of yelling in the halls which caused both men to hurriedly rise..."They're coming...they're coming..the Serbs..."  The orderly almost knocked them down as he made his way through the halls, alerting those still in the hospital.  "Luka..go..there is no time to waste..you are young..if they find you they will kill you."  The man pushed him "I can't leave you.."He protested...but the man shook his head.."I have to stay..for the patients..I'm old..I'll be fine..now hurry..go to the basement..and out that way..before you are seen..go!"  He practically pushed Luka down the hall towards the stairs.  "Luka..if you hear anyone..find a place and hide..promise me."  He fixed his eyes on the younger man until he nodded.  "I promise..." Reluctantly he opened the door and moved to join the others who were already making their way down..

Luka struggled to keep the tenuous hold he had on what was real as the scene before him morphed with images of Vukovar.  As he fled the platform for the presumed, safety of the streets he continued to be bombarded by the scenes of destruction...he clamped his hands to his ears in a failed attempt to muffle the screams of the injured and dying he saw around him.  As he rounded a corner into an alley he stopped, his chest heaving as he tried to catch his breath.  <Croatian>"None of you are real!"  He shouted to the sky in hopes that that might end the horrors before him, then covered his face with his hands as he tried to avoid the reminders.  To his relief, as he lowered his hands the alley's appearance shifted...the bombed buildings now replaced by those reflecting the neglect that was their normal state. 

He leaned against the dirty brick wall, allowing himself time to regain his hold on his sanity.  That simply hearing their language could have triggered this worried him more then he was ready to admit.  Inwardly he prayed that he would wake to find this no more then a bad dream...to find that he had simply fallen asleep and he would wake to find himself back at the hospital.  But the sounds of the traffic told him otherwise...it had happened...when his breathing had regained some semblance to normal he pushed himself off the wall..then frowned.  Where was he?  He walked to the corner and stopped..his gaze traveling down the street, he shook his head in confusion then looked up as a train passed on the tracks overhead.  It was a start..he made his way to the stairs...

He could feel the panic in the other men as they raced down the stairs in hopes of getting out of the hospital before the soldiers came...they had all heard the stories...all believed it could never happen to them..but what if they were wrong?  No...it was a hospital...surely that would insure the safety of those inside.  As he hit the ground floor there was a back-up of men..someone had to open the door and look...he forced his way to the front of them..then eased the door open a crack.  Nothing that he could see, he bit his lip...and slid around the door..hugging the wall as he inched his way to the corner...and then he saw them..they were coming..he could see the trucks rounding the corner not two blocks away.  He turned and dashed back to the doorway. <Croatian> We have to go now...they are just down the street."  He didn't wait to see if they would follow..he could only think of himself now...he glanced up at the window... hoping for a glimpse of the man who had been his mentor...but he saw no one.  He peeled the white coat off as he ran...tossing it behind some debris...and as the rumble of approaching trucks grew closer he ducked into a bombed out building..digging through the rubble as he looked for someway to conceal himself.  His breathing was ragged from the strain but he knew he couldn't stop..he grabbed at anything in his way..tossing it aside until miraculously he found a small pocket barely large enough to hold him... drawing a deep breath he wedged himself into it then pulled a section of wallboard over the opening...all he could do now was wait...

"Hey..you ok?  You need a Doctor or something?"  The old woman shook his shoulder, making him jump...as he was thrust back into the present..and he rubbed his hand across his face as he collected himself.  "No..I am a Doctor.."  He shook his head..inwardly praying she would just go away...then looked around, trying to gain some bearing a to where he was again.  "You don't look so good..you sure you don't want me to call someone?"  She leaned her wrinkled face into his as if trying to look inside him.  "I'm sure...please..leave me alone."  He stood..moving down the platform away from her...he had to get away..but where could he go?

to be continued...

Mel and I in front of Goran's favorite bar in Zagreb

Just thought I would drop this in here, Tommy surprised Mel and I with a photographer and a reporter from the Croatian magazine Gloria on our arrival in Zagreb.  Seems they wanted to do a little piece on the Americans who decided to travel to Croatia all because of Goran and his part on ER.  We spent the better part of a day with Sanja, and this was the picture that made the magazine.  We won't talk about how awful I look in it... I so want to go back, rent a car, drive the coastline from Zagreb to Dubrovnik with Tommy and Sasa, and hopefully Mel again.  Gah I need my disability settlement...

 

The Return

One more based off the Africa Er arc...

The Return

By J.D.

(Contains spoilers to the ER episode "Dear Abby".)

Even before they had fully entered the elevator he felt the exhaustion taking hold of him again and with a resigned sigh Luka let his head loll back against the raised gurney before he eased his eyes closed.  Mere moments passed before he felt Gillian's hand on his forehead and with half a smile on his lips he opened them again.

"Tired?"  The simple question came quietly as she brushed his bangs off his forehead.

"Yeah..."  He was more than tired though, he was worn out from something as simple as smiling and saying hello.

"Your fever is spiking again. "  Gillian reached over to adjust the flow on the IV that hung on the right side of the gurney.

"Not that bad..."  His accent came heavier as he accepted that he was too tired to control it.

"You need to sleep."  Gillian found herself glancing to the floor numbers before looking at him again.

"Always sleeping."  His eyes slid closed a moment before he forced them open.

"That's what happens when you're sick..it'll get better, give it time.  She found herself smiling at him before laying a hand on his arm.  "It hasn't been that long..."  She regretted the reference before she finished it and let the words trail off.

"Long enough..."  If he caught what she was eluding to Luka let it go.

"You just don't want to be in the hospital."  Gillian's smile came more naturally with her comment.

"Rather be home...with you."  The corner of his mouth curved upwards and Gillian knew a blush was rising on her cheeks with the deeper meaning.

"I'm sure you would, but not today."  She shot a quick glance to the paramedics standing in the elevator with them before looking back at Luka.

"No...not today..."  He repeated her words even more quietly as sleep pulled harder on him and he let his eyes close again.

"Almost there." Lifting one hand she began to brush her fingertips across his forehead.  The heat coming off his skin was hard to miss and she lifted her eyes quickly to the floor numbers before looking back at him.

"Okay..."  His acceptance was barely audible as he sank closer towards sleep.  As the car stopped and the doors opened he barely roused and Gillian was sure he was beyond recognizing that they had even exited the car and were approaching his room.

As they reached the nurse's station the paramedics halted and turned their attention to the older woman who rose from behind the desk.  "We have a patient for you."

The woman looked between them all, her gaze remaining a beat longer on Luka than on the rest before she returned her attention to them.  "His name?"

"Kovac...Dr. Luka Kovac."  Gillian found herself intervening.  "I'm a nurse...if you can show me his room I can get him settled."

"We have procedures..."  Even as she began to talk the woman reached for Luka's chart and quickly scanned it.  "Malaria...contusions...probable concussion."  The nurse frowned as she read through Luka's chart then lifted her eyes to Gillian again.  "His room is over this way, it's one of the observation rooms, we'll be able to watch him from the desk."

"Thank you."  Gillian left unsaid that she had no intentions of leaving him much less transferring his care to anyone else.

"We can take him from here."  The woman took a position to the back of the gurney replacing one of the two paramedics.  "Thank you."

"Yeah..sure, no problem..."  The two men exchanged glances before shrugging and moving away.

"As soon as they had stepped aside two more nurses were there to replace them, and it was this exchange that roused Luka again."

"Hey..."  Gillian gave him a smile as his eyes slid open.

"Hey..."  His voice cracked slightly as he spoke.

"Almost ready to get you settled into your room."

"Okay..."  He swept his eyes over the other nurses as well as the corridor as they moved towards the open door of what would be his home for at least the next week.

"All right...my name is Ada, I'm the charge nurse...from what I've seen I think it's time to get you into a gown and get some vitals."  The older nurse drew her attention to Luka once they were inside. "Let's get you moved into the bed first though."

"I can do it..."  Luka pushed himself upright slightly then immediately regretted it as the room seemed to spin.

"Sure you can, but humor us this time."  The woman might have been talking to a child as she and the others began to get him ready to transfer.

Luka released a breath and lay back againknowing he was in no position to argue with the woman.

"Now..on three I want you to slide this way...okay?"  The nurses had moved around the gurney and began to take hold of the sheets under him.

"Yeah..."  Luka looked between the women before letting his eyes come to rest on Gillian.

"Won't be too long and you can go back to sleep."  Gillian offered him a reassuring smile as she spoke.

"Sure?"    If she had meant to answer she was stopped from it as the nurses moved Luka to the other bed.

"All right...now, here's a gown...let's get you changed...then we need vitals."  She handed him the hospital gown before moving to untie his shoes and pull them off.

"Gillian..."  Luka found himself protesting the thought of the woman changing him even though he knew she was only doing her job.

Reading his needs Gillian smiled and nodded to him.  "Would you mind if I help him change?"

Ada looked between them and for the first time smiled.  "Shy are we? No, go ahead...I'll be right back."

Gillian waited until they had left the room before moving open to help Luka undress.  "Careful."  She eased his tee up and over his head as she cautioned him, then slowly worked the remaining arm down the IV line until she could feed the bag of Quinine through it.  When she turned back she had to force herself not to react to the signs of captivity that his body still revealed.  Though the bruises had shifted from vivid purples to duller shades tinged with yellow, the evidence of abuse he had gone through was undeniable.  As she helped him into the gown she tried not to let her face reflect her shock to at the sight of his thinness, knowing it was only a matter of time before he filled out again.

"Going to do tests?"  Gillian brought her attention to his eyes as the question came.

"Most likely, at the very least they'll draw blood."  As she answered she tied the laces at the gown' s neck.

"No blood left."  His eyes were drooping again and rather then argue Gillian simply smiled in response. 

"Just try and get some sleep while you can."  She knew too well that when the nurses returned he would be poked and prodded as they did their own assessment of his condition, and only when they were done would he be allowed the sleep he so desperately needed.

His fatigue seemed that much more obvious as Luka turned on his side to face her, his eyes visible as little more than slits.  As she reached over to brush his hair back Gillian saw the more noticable signs of his illness.  "Luka...are you cold?"  She noted his increased shivering with the question, a striking contradiction to the sweat that was beginning to coat his skin.

"Just tired..."  The words drifted off, fading into nothingness as his eyes closed and sleep once more wrapped itself around him.

Safe

The motivation just kept coming...

Safe

(An ER fanfic with spoilers to The Lost)

By J.D.

Even before he opened his eyes he knew something was different...he was floating...no, not floating. He allowed himself to sniff the air and for the first time in who knew how long his senses weren't overwhelmed by the stench of death.  Forcing his eyes open, Luka immediately closed them again, caught off guard by unexpected brightness.  "It's all right..."  He heard the words, felt a hand on his forehead, and he cautiously opened them again.  

"Gillian?"  His voice broke with the effort of speaking as he sought confirmation for what he knew had to be a dream.

"Yes..."  She brushed her fingers across his forehead then issued a smile in response.  "I think the fever has broke."

"Where?"  His voice cracked again and he cleared his throat while taking in the area around them.  "You found us?"

Gillian smiled at that, smiled even though her eyes grew wet with unshed tears.  "John and I...we had some help though."

"Patrique."  The name was enough to voice what he wanted to say and she immediately shushed him with a hand to his lips.

"I know...we found him."  She reached for a glass on the small table next to his bed and held it to his lips.  "You should drink."

"He was trying to save us...save me.."  

"It's all right...you don't have to talk about it..."  She wanted to silence him but she knew too that he had to talk about it.

"Chance...her mother?"  There was fear on his face again with the question, fear that he alone had been spared.

"They're here...they're both safe."  Gillian saw the relief and took that moment to offer the glass again, but after only a couple swallows he lifted his hand to push it away.

"Carter is here?"  He seemed only to register the earlier reference.

"Yes, he came back to find you."  

His eyes closed again as he nodded his understanding.  Setting the glass down again Gillian reached for the cloth that lay soaking in a bowl beside it.  As she squeezed the water from it she found herself watching him, not sure if he was still awake or had fallen asleep again.  

"Why?"  The word came so quietly that she almost missed it.

"Luka?"  She wiped his face and waited for his eyes to reopen.

"Why did he come back?"  The question was not one she had expected to answer and she resorted to simply shaking her head.  

"Maybe you should ask him, he's outside I think, I can go get him."  As much as she hated to leave him Gillian knew that this was still part of his understanding all that had happened.

Closing his eyes for a moment Luka considered her offer then opened them again with a nod.  "Thank you..."  He whispered the words and she sensed there was more to them then just her offer to get Carter.

The smile that followed them was genuine.  "For what?"  She continued to dab the cloth over his skin, cautious of the numerous cuts and bruises.

"For being here...for finding me."  The second was added after a lengthy pause.

What could she say to that?  Instead of answering Gillian  lay the cloth aside and leaned in to kiss him.  "You're welcome."  She let the second kiss linger before drawing back as a nurse entered with Carter.

"You're awake."  Carter's face reflected relief and a smile broadened across it as he saw Luka.

"Yeah..."  The Croatian started to raise himself up only to have Gillian lay a hand on his shoulder to stop him.  Too weak to protest he fell back against the thin mattress, his eyes still on the younger man.  "Why?"  The question had to be asked and it was out before he could stop it.

The corner of Carter's mouth edged up as he approached the bed, then took a seat beside it.  "Why, what?"

"You came back..."  Luka glanced to Gillian as he once more began to raise himself up off the bed, then dropped with an exasperated sigh as it elicited a glare from her.

"I couldn't just leave you out there."  

"You could have been killed."  Luka let his eyes settle firmly on the man then frowned as he shrugged in response.  "You shouldn't have risked it."

"Too late."  Carter smiled yet again, "Besides, I needed the vacation."

"Yeah, sure."  Luka wasn't in the least convinced but he was too tired to argue.  Sensing his growing fatigue the nurse did what Gillian hadn't been able to do herself.

"You should come back later, he needs rest now."  Her words came in halted English for Carter's benefit, as she slipped a thermometer between his lips, then checked his IV.

"Right, get some sleep, we'll talk when you wake up again."  Rising he took Luka's offered hand and squeezed it in response.  "You look a lot better."

"Not sure I could look worse..."  The response came drowsily after the nurse withdrew the thermometer, and if he realized the extent of what he was saying he didn't show it.

"Sure you could have."  Carter found himself whispering the words to himself before turning to Gillian.  "I'll meet you outside, you need to eat and get some rest yourself."  His tone left little room for argument on her part.

"In a minute...."  She watched him leave before retaking the seat beside Luka.  Already she could tell he was inching towards sleep and she picked the cloth up to wipe his face, prompting him to open his eyes again.

"Leaving?"  His voice had grown scratchy and Gillian lay the cloth aside to offer him another sip of water.

"Not because I want to."  

"Missed you..."  His words trailed off and prompted a smile from her.

"I missed you too..."  She brushed his hair from his eyes with the admission.  "Sleep now...you're safe..."  She continued to stroke his hair until his breathing had slowed and indicated he was asleep.  "You're safe..."  She wasn't sure if her words were a reassurance to him or meant for her benefit, but she found herself repeating them almost as if they were a mantra until Carter opened the door and interrupted her.

"Gillian..."  

With a sigh of resignation, Gillian leaned forward to kiss Luka's forehead, the heat from the fever he still battled warming her lips.  "You're safe now...."  She repeated the words for him.  Only when she was sure he was asleep did she stand and after straightening the light blanket that covered him she reluctantly went to where Carter waited.

Midnight

Another fanfic in the Africa ER Arc...

Midnight
Contains Spoilers to Kisangani
by J.D.

He should be trying to get some sleep...but how could he?  Standing on the steps of the small clinic Luka stretched and listened to the pop as his back protested the amount of strain he'd been putting on it.  It was quiet now...quiet that is if he ignored the sounds of the gunfire in the distance, the quiet moans of his patients inside.  Taking a seat on the steps he withdrew the crumpled cigarette package from his pocket and slipped one of the filters into his mouth before lighting it.  As he took a long drag he tried to force himself to relax.

He was exhausted, had been for days, he shouldn't be having any trouble finding sleep, so why was he?  Gillian...his thoughts went immediately to the woman and he found himself glancing at his watch.  If all had gone well she and Carter would have returned to Kisangani...they would be safe and within the week the two of them would return to their homes.  With luck she would forget about him, and Carter?  He took a long pull on the cigarette as he pictured the fear on the young man's face.  How long would it take for him to forget what he had been through?

He tipped his head back watching the smoke as it curled around him.  If only he could forget...no...that was the problem wasn't it?  He didn't want to forget.  As long as he found himself immersed in the chaos of the clinic his own life didn't matter.  He took yet another drag on the cigarette, letting it burn at his throat before releasing the smoke.  How long could he use this place to escape? 

He found himself standing as the question surfaced and started down the steps.  What kind of a normal person would see this as a place to hide?  He stopped as he reached the yard and let his eyes sweep the ground around the clinic.  The smell of death...of blood...of sweat, and fear still hung heavy in the air...but still he had volunteered to stay.  He took a final pull on the butt before flicking it away only to find himself searching for the glow before walking over to stamp it out.

He was willing to risk his life for these three children and their parents...why?  He slapped a mosquito as it bit his neck then wiped the sweat on his pantleg.  Did he think he could somehow redeem himself here for all he had done in Chicago?  How many lives would he have to save to undo all the damage he had caused to others?  Ten, twenty?  How many lives would it take would undo the mistakes that had cost Rick his life?  How many to make up for almost killing Erin?  He swatted yet another mosquito in frustration....how many to finally erase the guilt he felt over the deaths of his own family?

Pulling the front of his tee up he wiped the sweat from his face.  How long could he hide here?  That was what he was doing after all...he knew it, odds were Carter did as well.  Would he tell?  Glancing at the clinic he cocked his head, making sure it was quiet before walking away from it.  He had hid from his past before...after leaving Vukovar, before coming to County...always moving...why had he stopped?  What had made him decide to allow people to get close again? 

That was the danger wasn't it?  When he let people get close to him they always got hurt.  Some were lucky...like Carol...somehow she had sensed the danger and escaped before she got hurt..but not Abby.  He pulled the pack out again and found himself lighting another cigarette, surprised to see his hands trembling as he did.  Abby had given him a chance to feel something and he had wasted it...and yet here he was, allowing himself to do the same thing to Gillian. 

Gillian...why had he accepted her offer of companionship?  Why hadn't he just focussed on the work?  He took an overly long draw on the cigarette then released the plume of smoke.  Maybe if he stayed here long enough she would return home and forget him.  God, he was tired...tired of thinking...tired of worrying about how much pain he had caused to others.  He glanced at his watch again, Midnight...he needed to try and sleep...he needed to try and find some peace from it all...at least for a few hours, if only that was possible.

In The Wee Wee Hours

The entire Africa arc seemed to motivate me to do quite a bit of writing some of the pieces were little one shots that were springboards directly off the episode's scenes, others were tangents Mel and I wrote through our rpg alternate universe.  http://tv.groups.yahoo.com/group/In_and_Out_of_the_ER_rpg/ You'll find the secondary link there to our archive of another 1400+ more posts and we always need more writers so feel free to register to play.  Anyway, having posted the first of thes stories I thought I'd go ahead and post a few more...

In The Wee Wee Hours
By J.D.

An ER Fanfic

(spoilers to the ER episode Kisangani)

How had she allowed herself to grow so close?  Laying in the darkness of the tent Gillian found herself listening to the sound of Luka's breathing as he slept next to her.  The cot was scarcely big enough to hold them both, but she had longed for this closeness for too many days to complain. 

Pushing herself up on one arm she allowed herself the luxury of watching him sleep.  He had been exhausted when he had shown up at her door, not that he would admit it.  She had wanted to be angry with him, to scream at him for making her worry about whether he was alive or dead, but she couldn't.  He had waited for her to answer, then greeted her with a weary smile that immediately chased the anger away. 

How could she have let him make her feel this way?  There had been flings with every tour, a few nights of comfort that allowed them both to escape, but never had it caused her to feel like this.  As he moaned in his sleep Gillian reached over to brush his damp bangs off of his sweaty forehead.  "Shh..."  She brushed her fingers over his skin her words nonsense, spoken simply to soothe. 

As he once more stilled she found herself looking over him in more detail.  He had lost weight, something they all did, but why did he seem so much thinner then she remembered?  His face held much of his fatigue, dark circles under equally dark lashes, the growth of beard he hadn't even found the energy to shave.  No bruises though, nothing to show he had experienced more then he had admitted to.

That had been her greatest fear when the days had passed with no sign of him.  They all knew therisks, the dangers they opened themselves up to here, and even more so in Matenda.  She moved her hand slowly down his cheek, then to his neck before letting it come to rest on his chest, over his heart.  For several minutes she let her worries fade, her attention on nothing but the rise and fall of her hand as it matched his breathing. 

He'd said nothing of what had happened in Matenda, nothing of his relationship with the new Doctor, Carter, if anything he had grown more quiet, why?  What had drawn him inward?  Was there more between the two then their just working together?  Or was it something even deeper?  Did he feel what she was feeling, realize what it would do to her if anything had happened?  She hadn't dared ask him if the feelings growing within her were ones he shared, she couldn't risk losing him if she was wrong, not after so long of being alone. 

She needed to touch him.  Splaying her fingers she watched the hairs on his chest curl around them.  Never had she imagined that one man could make her feel so many things at one time.  She had always thought herself immune.  Why should things here be any different than they were at home?  But they were different, had been since that first day when he had arrived at Kisangani.

She found herself smiling in the darkness as the memory of that day surfaced. She was used to the shock and fear that came with new arrivals when they first saw the conditions, but there had been none of that with Luka.  No, he was so different then the others, he had simply dropped his bag in the doorway and plunged right in.  She had almost laughed when Angelique threatened to bodily drag him from the clinic after a grueling 12 hours of nonstop work.  Even then he had been unable to sleep, he had begged a cigarette and instead sat listening to the gunfire in the distance. 

That was her signal to approach, she had seen the signs as clearly as if he had spoken the words himself.  He was afraid of sleep, afraid of not staying busy, and she had gone to him, plying him with alcohol and conversation until he could barely hold his eyes open.  She had needed help getting him to his tent afterwards, and even then he fought sleep, what came next came from desperation, perhaps even fear at being alone, but she had wanted it as much as he did in those moments.

So it would continue, some nights they would talk, others they would make love, still others they did nothing more then lay naked in each other's arms as they waited for sleep to find them.  So it had been tonight, she had wanted to be angry, to scream at him for making her worry so much, and he had wanted nothing more then the feel of her next to him.  "Shh...Luka...shh..."  She soothed him again as he shifted restlessly in his sleep, then lay her head on his chest, her cheek over his heart.  At her action she felt him move, and his hand found it's way to her back before stilling again, bringing a smile to her as she lay there.  Neither of them could know where this would go.  Neither could know if this would last.  But for now, in these wee, wee hours it was enough.

Acceptance (An ER Fanfic severe spoilers for the episode The Lost)

She had accepted that he was dead, well, maybe accepted wasn't the right word, the nights of endless drinking since she had received word were confirmation of that.  She had lost her heart to a man for the first time and now she had lost him, resolved herself was a better way of putting it.  Why hadn't he allowed her to stay with him in Matenda?  Why hadn't she fought to stay?  At least she could have lost her life as he had lost his instead of having to face life without him.

Gillian swallowed the thoughts and tried to focus on what the Mai Mai was saying...Luka a priest?  They thought he was a priest?  Disbelief overflowed at the words...he could be alive?  She needed a drink now more then ever but instead she blindly followed Carter and the others...did she dare hope it was true.

Entering the dark hut with Carter she immediately recognized Chance and her mother, they were alive... but they were alone.  Had it all been a cruel joke?  She struggled to hold the tears at bay as her stomach twisted and turned inside of her.  What was that?  She turned her attention to the pile of rags against the wall that Carter was kneeling next to...and she felt her breath catch.  Luka...oh, my God...it was him...was he alive?  Please...if you exist let him be alive.  She couldn't help begging inwardly for what she had,  until now, denied herself belief of.

"Is he alive?"  She asked the question quietly, as if she was afraid to break a spell that held them all, and forced her unsteady legs to keep her upright as the man checked the pulse in his neck.

"He's alive...but he's burning up, he needs medical attention."  Carter's own concern was in his words and Gillian found herself finally approaching herself.

As she knelt next to Luka her stomach lurched as her senses were overwhelmed by the smell of filth, unwashed sweat, blood, and who knew what else that covered him...but he was alive.  She reached over to touch his cheek, he was clammy to the touch, but he was alive, nothing else mattered.

"Gillian..we need to go..get Chance."  She heard Carter's voice and found herself looking at him as if only just realizing he was there.  "Charles and I will get Luka...go, before they change their mind."

She didn't want to leave him...didn't he understand that as long as she touched him she knew he was alive?  

"Gillian...now." Carter's voice took on a tone of authority and she knew he was right.  Leaning forward she brushed her lips across Luka's warm skin before reluctantly risingand moving to the girl and her mother.

Everything from that point forward seemed a blur...she wanted nothing more then to be at Luka's side and she found her movements almost robotic as she instead tended to Chance and her mother. Only when they were settled in the back of the truck was she again able to fully relax, only when she held Luka's head in her lap, when she could touch him and know he was really here.  He was bruised...a cut to his jaw, a large bruise surrounding it..blood trailed from his nose, his lip bore traces of having been split.  What else...his face, beneath the filth, she could see the telltale signs of his illness and captivity.  She found herself tracing the even more prominent cheekbones as she surveyed every inch of his face.  His eyes were sunken, the dark circles pronounced, the rawness of the wound on his jaw made her wince and somehow she knew he had endured it all without letting Chance or her mother know the extent of it.

She could feel his ribs as she moved her hand down his chest and as he moaned in complaint she raised his shirt to expose far too many bruises.  She wanted to bathe him, to soothe the wounds with warm water and soft cloths, but that would come later, for now it was enough that he was alive...that he was safe.  There was no way of knowing what would happen between them now, if what they had would remain, she returned to stroking her hair, oblivious to everyone around them.  Luka had found his way into her heart in a way no one else ever had and she would be there for him as long as he allowed her to. She found herself shushing him as a bump elicited another moan, she, who thought she needed no one but herself.  Gillian allowed a grudging smile to form at the acceptance of what she had always denied, even to herself...she was in love, and if she could survive this, she could survive what was to come as well.