I already see them, see her, especially now as the holidays approach, not intentionally of course, they usually come to me in my dreams, or when it's quiet and my thoughts have begun to wander. I wonder sometimes if Abby understands that she will always be sharing me with Danijela, because no matter how many years pass she'll always be my wife and my love for her will never fade.
When Abby and I first dated, our parting was not a good one, we both said things we knew would hurt the other. I remember one of the last things she hurled at me was that I was married to a ghost and while I know to her it was meant as an insult, to me it was all too true. My family had been taken from me almost ten years earlier and I still grieved for the loss of them as if it had happened yesterday. In all of that time I hadn't even really looked at another woman. Granted, I'd spent quite a bit of time with Carol and her daughters, but, she was alone, and so was I, and while the father of her twins wasn't dead, she felt his absence in much the same ways that I felt Danijela's. I think initially though what drew me to them was my need to be a father, and if anything more came out of it, then I was all right with that. In the end, nothing did, Carol decided that what she felt for her daughter's father was the same as what I'd felt for Danijela, he was her soul-mate and she had to go to him and see if he felt the same about her. I can't begin to describe the sense of loss I felt once they were gone, and I really did question whether I wanted to open myself up to going through something like that again. By the time Abby did come along, I was hesitant, and it was she who initiated the first date.
Having made two attempts to find again what I'd had with Danijela and failed, left me bruised, and I suppose it made me fall back to the habits that had enabled me to survive the loss of my family in the first place. I found myself pulling out the small black and white photo of Danijela and Jasna more frequently, and if I could have done it I would have stepped into it myself. I missed my family, I wanted to hold my wife, to tell her how much I loved her. I would give anything to have her back in my life for even five minutes if only so that I could kiss her once more and thank her for giving me two beautiful babies, and sharing herself completely with me in the time we had, however short it was. More than anything, I wanted us to grow old together and instead, we had only a handful of years, and our babies had even less.
large graphic by Jana
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