Sunday, November 9, 2008
256 - What do you hope for? /Theatrical Muse
Happily ever after. Is that possible, or is it a dream that can never be achieved no matter how much you wish for it, no matter how strong your faith, no matter how hard you try?
Danijela and I were convinced our marriage was the thing dreams were made of, how could it have been anything but? From the first moment I saw her I knew she would be my wife, she would bear my children, and we would spend the rest of our lives together. I was 18, she was just 16 and we thought we had a lifetime to learn all there was to know about each other. We knew without saying it that our children would be raised as we had been raised and how they themselves had been raised. We would have the support of family, the comfort of our faith and our Church, and when the time came, our children would know the same or so we believed. If only it hadn't been for the war. In a matter of months it was gone, they were gone, and with them all my hopes and dreams.
For more years then I want to think about I allowed myself to believe that I no longer deserved those very things that Danijela and I had planned. Having lost not just the woman who had stolen my heart, but our children, I was convinced that I would never again know the joy of being a father again. I prayed for God to take my life as he had taken those of my family. I begged him to allow me to be with those I loved even if it meant ending my life, and when he didn't listen I turned my back on him and the Church that had meant so much to us for so long. Turning my back on my faith wasn't enough for me though, everything brought painful reminders and so, I ended up leaving the only things I had left, my family and my Country. I gave up on life, I gave up on any hope for happiness, I simply moved from day to day waiting for my time to come to an end so I could be reunited with those I loved.
It's funny though, while I was simply existing life found me again, and after more then a few missteps, Abby and I found our way back to each other. We'd tried once before, too many years ago, but, the time must not have been right. I guess we still had some lessons to learn, maybe we're still learning them now. This has to work, for Abby, for Joe, for us as a family. I hope, no, not hope, I have to believe that this move to Boston will allow us to overcome all the mistakes that we both have made in the last year. I want to grow old with Abby, I want us to raise our son together, to be there when he graduates from high-school. I want us to one day see him marry and have children of his own.
Is being happy too much to hope for? I want to believe it's not. I pray it's not. I'll do whatever I have to to make this work, because I just don't know what I'd do if I were to lose everything again.