I wish I could say that I always approach problems with a rational mind and a cool head, or that I'm willing to sit down and talk about things that are bothering me, unfortunately I don't, and I'm not.
I hate to admit to having a violent temper but, the truth is, under certain circumstances I can't deny it. There are only a few things that really set me off, and on one occasion I became so out of control that I killed a man with my bare hands. I suppose I should clarify that by saying that the man was a mugger and he had struck me with a pipe first, and when I came to he was attacking my wife, though she wasn't my wife at the time. I lost it. There's no other way to put it, I remember pulling him off her, then I struck him, once he was on the ground I repeatedly slammed his head into the pavement until Abby stopped me. He was still alive when the ambulance arrived, but, the damage was done, his skull had been shattered, and he died in the ER. The police told me that I was justified in my actions and I was acting in self defense so no charges were filed, but, I still can't forgive myself. Each time I've found myself lashing out at someone it's because I've felt that they've threatened my family or friends. I've never talked to anyone about this, but, I'm sure it has something to do with the helplessness I felt when I lost my family and my need now to protect those close to me.
I'm not really sure why I don't talk about the problems in my life, I do know that my silence is one of the things that ended the relationship I had with Sam. I guess I've always felt it was easier to just go along with whatever my partner said, and then later I used my silence as a way of not talking about my past. I don't know, I think I just decided that in most cases I didn't really see a reason to fight over things and by remaining silent I could avoid doing that.
Now that Joe is here I realize that I have to change how I deal with things, he's going to see what I do and one day he may well follow in my footsteps. This isn't going to be easy for me, I've had close to 40 years to become the way I am, but, for my son I have to change. I want him to be able to talk about his feelings, but more importantly, I never want him to know what it's like to take someone's life because he's lost control.