It's never been easy for me to talk about the life I lost. I left Croatia initially because I didn't want the constant reminders of the places Danijela and I had started our life. When I arrived in the United States, I chose to work as a fill-in doctor because it allowed me to do my job and avoid getting close enough to anyone that they would ask about my past. It worked for a while, and then I found myself in Chicago. Don't get me wrong, things didn't change for me overnight, at first Chicago wasn't different than any other City. County wasn't any different than any other hospital. I didn't go in thinking that it was time for me to start talking about my past, and it wasn't until they asked me to work there full-time that anyone learned anything about me. But, this isn't about other people, this is about Abby.
I can't be sure, but, other then her knowing that I'd been married and that I'd lost my wife and children in Croatia, she really knew nothing about me. Okay, maybe that's not entirely true. If you were to ask her, it's because of the feelings that I still had for my wife that things didn't work out for us the first time were were together. I couldn't really blame her, I think it was too soon for me to rush into things, and even later when I dated Sam, she complained because I wouldn't talk to her about Danijela and the children.
In my mind I couldn't really understand what good it did our relationship for me to talk to them about the life I had with Danijela. Maybe, it was more I didn't think they would understand that despite the number of years she'd been gone, I still loved her, I still love her now, and I don't see that ever changing. Danijela was my first love, she was the mother of my first children, and it wasn't as if we chose to end our relationship. The life we shared was torn away from us, neither of us wanted it to be over and to this day there is still pain when I think of it.
The hardest part of all this is that despite how uncomfortable I am about talking to Abby about Danijela and our children, I know that I need to share their lives with Joe. Jasna and Marko are his brother and sister and he deserves to know who they were even if he will never have a chance to meet them. Even atthe age he is now, I see glimpses of Jasna and Marko in Joe. Of course, the more painful aspect of that is knowing that he is already older then Marko was when he died, and I know I'll continue watching for those signs until he passes the age Jasna was as well. How do I explain that to Abby? Maybe I don't, maybe this is something for Joe and I to keep between us, I just don't know.