Sunday, October 15, 2006

What keeps you up at night?Theatrical Muse Challenge

Those who know mean shouldn't need to ask? I've recently become the father of a new son, something I'd thought would never happen again. Fifteen years ago I lost my wife and two young children when a bomb destroyed our apartment building, I was sure my life was over and I'd never again experience what I'd felt with them. I was wrong. Josip's birth has proved that but, it's not been without it's own worries.

Josip, "Joe," was born almost ten weeks premature, he spent several weeks in the neonatal intensive care unit following his delivery by cesarian and underwent emergency surgery himself before he was a month old. He's home now, but, not a night goes by that I don't find myself standing by his bedside watching him, counting his heartbeats by the rise and fall of his chest as he sleeps. I can't help myself, as a doctor I know the dangers he may still face.

Part of me wants to have with him what I had with my first two children, but I know that's impossible. Danijela and I were young, we were surrounded by family and friends, and we had our whole lives in front of us. We lived for our children and for each other. I loved every moment of being a father, even when it meant sleep was in short supply due to their schedule or my own. When I lost them, when I lost that, I lost so much of who I was, that for the longest time I didn't even recognize myself.

Things are different now, but, still I find my past leaves my thoughts clouded with fears for Joe that I know I shouldn't have. I worry that I might lose him as I lost my first two children. Even as the thought finds it's way into my head I hate it because I know that I'm only giving it more strength. I 'm afraid that my fears for Joe will cloud my relationship with him, that I'll be over protective and prevent him from fully experiencing life. I don't want that for him, I don't want that for us.

I'm trying to work through my fears, standing watch over him as he sleeps, feeding him, or simply holding him. I tell myself that what happened then was another time, and another place, something that no one could have anticipated, but, the tinge of irrational fear lingers, if it happened once...

As I sit in the darkness and feed Joe, or just hold him, I know that in time I'll be able to let go of these fears, but for now I need to do this, for me, for him and maybe just a littlebit for those who are no longer here.

Muse: Luka Kovac
Fandom: ER/Miscellaneous TV
Words: 462

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