Safe

The motivation just kept coming...

Safe

(An ER fanfic with spoilers to The Lost)

By J.D.

Even before he opened his eyes he knew something was different...he was floating...no, not floating. He allowed himself to sniff the air and for the first time in who knew how long his senses weren't overwhelmed by the stench of death.  Forcing his eyes open, Luka immediately closed them again, caught off guard by unexpected brightness.  "It's all right..."  He heard the words, felt a hand on his forehead, and he cautiously opened them again.  

"Gillian?"  His voice broke with the effort of speaking as he sought confirmation for what he knew had to be a dream.

"Yes..."  She brushed her fingers across his forehead then issued a smile in response.  "I think the fever has broke."

"Where?"  His voice cracked again and he cleared his throat while taking in the area around them.  "You found us?"

Gillian smiled at that, smiled even though her eyes grew wet with unshed tears.  "John and I...we had some help though."

"Patrique."  The name was enough to voice what he wanted to say and she immediately shushed him with a hand to his lips.

"I know...we found him."  She reached for a glass on the small table next to his bed and held it to his lips.  "You should drink."

"He was trying to save us...save me.."  

"It's all right...you don't have to talk about it..."  She wanted to silence him but she knew too that he had to talk about it.

"Chance...her mother?"  There was fear on his face again with the question, fear that he alone had been spared.

"They're here...they're both safe."  Gillian saw the relief and took that moment to offer the glass again, but after only a couple swallows he lifted his hand to push it away.

"Carter is here?"  He seemed only to register the earlier reference.

"Yes, he came back to find you."  

His eyes closed again as he nodded his understanding.  Setting the glass down again Gillian reached for the cloth that lay soaking in a bowl beside it.  As she squeezed the water from it she found herself watching him, not sure if he was still awake or had fallen asleep again.  

"Why?"  The word came so quietly that she almost missed it.

"Luka?"  She wiped his face and waited for his eyes to reopen.

"Why did he come back?"  The question was not one she had expected to answer and she resorted to simply shaking her head.  

"Maybe you should ask him, he's outside I think, I can go get him."  As much as she hated to leave him Gillian knew that this was still part of his understanding all that had happened.

Closing his eyes for a moment Luka considered her offer then opened them again with a nod.  "Thank you..."  He whispered the words and she sensed there was more to them then just her offer to get Carter.

The smile that followed them was genuine.  "For what?"  She continued to dab the cloth over his skin, cautious of the numerous cuts and bruises.

"For being here...for finding me."  The second was added after a lengthy pause.

What could she say to that?  Instead of answering Gillian  lay the cloth aside and leaned in to kiss him.  "You're welcome."  She let the second kiss linger before drawing back as a nurse entered with Carter.

"You're awake."  Carter's face reflected relief and a smile broadened across it as he saw Luka.

"Yeah..."  The Croatian started to raise himself up only to have Gillian lay a hand on his shoulder to stop him.  Too weak to protest he fell back against the thin mattress, his eyes still on the younger man.  "Why?"  The question had to be asked and it was out before he could stop it.

The corner of Carter's mouth edged up as he approached the bed, then took a seat beside it.  "Why, what?"

"You came back..."  Luka glanced to Gillian as he once more began to raise himself up off the bed, then dropped with an exasperated sigh as it elicited a glare from her.

"I couldn't just leave you out there."  

"You could have been killed."  Luka let his eyes settle firmly on the man then frowned as he shrugged in response.  "You shouldn't have risked it."

"Too late."  Carter smiled yet again, "Besides, I needed the vacation."

"Yeah, sure."  Luka wasn't in the least convinced but he was too tired to argue.  Sensing his growing fatigue the nurse did what Gillian hadn't been able to do herself.

"You should come back later, he needs rest now."  Her words came in halted English for Carter's benefit, as she slipped a thermometer between his lips, then checked his IV.

"Right, get some sleep, we'll talk when you wake up again."  Rising he took Luka's offered hand and squeezed it in response.  "You look a lot better."

"Not sure I could look worse..."  The response came drowsily after the nurse withdrew the thermometer, and if he realized the extent of what he was saying he didn't show it.

"Sure you could have."  Carter found himself whispering the words to himself before turning to Gillian.  "I'll meet you outside, you need to eat and get some rest yourself."  His tone left little room for argument on her part.

"In a minute...."  She watched him leave before retaking the seat beside Luka.  Already she could tell he was inching towards sleep and she picked the cloth up to wipe his face, prompting him to open his eyes again.

"Leaving?"  His voice had grown scratchy and Gillian lay the cloth aside to offer him another sip of water.

"Not because I want to."  

"Missed you..."  His words trailed off and prompted a smile from her.

"I missed you too..."  She brushed his hair from his eyes with the admission.  "Sleep now...you're safe..."  She continued to stroke his hair until his breathing had slowed and indicated he was asleep.  "You're safe..."  She wasn't sure if her words were a reassurance to him or meant for her benefit, but she found herself repeating them almost as if they were a mantra until Carter opened the door and interrupted her.

"Gillian..."  

With a sigh of resignation, Gillian leaned forward to kiss Luka's forehead, the heat from the fever he still battled warming her lips.  "You're safe now...."  She repeated the words for him.  Only when she was sure he was asleep did she stand and after straightening the light blanket that covered him she reluctantly went to where Carter waited.

Midnight

Another fanfic in the Africa ER Arc...

Midnight
Contains Spoilers to Kisangani
by J.D.

He should be trying to get some sleep...but how could he?  Standing on the steps of the small clinic Luka stretched and listened to the pop as his back protested the amount of strain he'd been putting on it.  It was quiet now...quiet that is if he ignored the sounds of the gunfire in the distance, the quiet moans of his patients inside.  Taking a seat on the steps he withdrew the crumpled cigarette package from his pocket and slipped one of the filters into his mouth before lighting it.  As he took a long drag he tried to force himself to relax.

He was exhausted, had been for days, he shouldn't be having any trouble finding sleep, so why was he?  Gillian...his thoughts went immediately to the woman and he found himself glancing at his watch.  If all had gone well she and Carter would have returned to Kisangani...they would be safe and within the week the two of them would return to their homes.  With luck she would forget about him, and Carter?  He took a long pull on the cigarette as he pictured the fear on the young man's face.  How long would it take for him to forget what he had been through?

He tipped his head back watching the smoke as it curled around him.  If only he could forget...no...that was the problem wasn't it?  He didn't want to forget.  As long as he found himself immersed in the chaos of the clinic his own life didn't matter.  He took yet another drag on the cigarette, letting it burn at his throat before releasing the smoke.  How long could he use this place to escape? 

He found himself standing as the question surfaced and started down the steps.  What kind of a normal person would see this as a place to hide?  He stopped as he reached the yard and let his eyes sweep the ground around the clinic.  The smell of death...of blood...of sweat, and fear still hung heavy in the air...but still he had volunteered to stay.  He took a final pull on the butt before flicking it away only to find himself searching for the glow before walking over to stamp it out.

He was willing to risk his life for these three children and their parents...why?  He slapped a mosquito as it bit his neck then wiped the sweat on his pantleg.  Did he think he could somehow redeem himself here for all he had done in Chicago?  How many lives would he have to save to undo all the damage he had caused to others?  Ten, twenty?  How many lives would it take would undo the mistakes that had cost Rick his life?  How many to make up for almost killing Erin?  He swatted yet another mosquito in frustration....how many to finally erase the guilt he felt over the deaths of his own family?

Pulling the front of his tee up he wiped the sweat from his face.  How long could he hide here?  That was what he was doing after all...he knew it, odds were Carter did as well.  Would he tell?  Glancing at the clinic he cocked his head, making sure it was quiet before walking away from it.  He had hid from his past before...after leaving Vukovar, before coming to County...always moving...why had he stopped?  What had made him decide to allow people to get close again? 

That was the danger wasn't it?  When he let people get close to him they always got hurt.  Some were lucky...like Carol...somehow she had sensed the danger and escaped before she got hurt..but not Abby.  He pulled the pack out again and found himself lighting another cigarette, surprised to see his hands trembling as he did.  Abby had given him a chance to feel something and he had wasted it...and yet here he was, allowing himself to do the same thing to Gillian. 

Gillian...why had he accepted her offer of companionship?  Why hadn't he just focussed on the work?  He took an overly long draw on the cigarette then released the plume of smoke.  Maybe if he stayed here long enough she would return home and forget him.  God, he was tired...tired of thinking...tired of worrying about how much pain he had caused to others.  He glanced at his watch again, Midnight...he needed to try and sleep...he needed to try and find some peace from it all...at least for a few hours, if only that was possible.