Wednesday, July 18, 2007

18A: What is your most feared danger? /Canon Muses

Having lost my first family to war, and faced my own death several times it would be easy to say that I've faced the worst dangers a person could face. I could say that, but, it would be a lie, the truth is there is a danger I fear, and it's not one for myself but for those around me. As much as I want to believe that history couldn't repeat itself, that God wouldn't ask me to make that greatest sacrifice a second time, the fear still remains, and I know I would never survive losing Abby and Joe, as I lost Danijela and our children.

From the moment Abby told me she was pregnant I found myself worrying about her health. Abby complained often about my worrying over her diet, or how much sleep she got, but, it's these are the small day to day things that every pregnant couple goes through. It was that day in the ER that none of us could have planned for, the day that very well could have cost all of us our lives. So much of it is a blur, I remember laying intubated on that gurney when she put her hand on the window, seeing the blood, then seeing her fall. I had no way of knowing what had happened to her, no way of knowing if she was alive or dead, all I knew was I was unable to move more than a few inches, I was unable to call for help or do anything to get to her. Those minutes until someone found her, until someone found me, were among the longest of my life.

I'll forever blame Steve and those with him for forcing Abby into early labor, for putting her life and more importantly Joe's at risk. While there's no way of knowing yet what long-term affects Joe might have to all he went through in those first months of his life, all we can do is wait and see, and hope for the best.

I think Curtis Ames brought it all crashing down on me with the most clarity though, coming home and finding him in our apartment with that gun and knowing what he could have done to Abby and Joe. There was never any doubt I would go with him, it was a choice of their lives or mine, how could I have done anything else?

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