Saturday, August 20, 2005

Too Late

Too Late
By J.D.
Contains spoilers to Now What?

Luka was dead.  Abby found herself unable to think of anything else as she stumbled blindly through the rest of her shift.  With each surfacing of the thought the tears came anew....Luka was dead.  Why?  After all he had been through...  She was grateful when the end of shift came, grateful that she no longer had to pretend that she wasn't feeling like her heart had been ripped out of her chest.  She didn't want to see anyone, didn't want to hear the whispered conversations, all she wanted was to go home, to crawl into a bottle and grieve.

It had been nothing to stop at the liquor store on the way home, and now sitting on the couch with two bottles of scotch in front of her she let the tears fall.  Luka was dead.  She choked back a sob as she reached for the first bottle and unscrewed the cap.  Luka was dead and Carter had gone to claim his body...why?  What was he trying to prove in going back? 

As she poured the first of what she knew would be too many glasses Abby already found herself reliving the moments she and Luka had shared between them.  Her boldness at kissing asking him out on that first date.  That first date, the date when she had seen a side of Luka she could never have imagined seeing.  Never could she had imagined he was capable of such violence...that he could be so protective of her.  Was that what had drawn her to him?  Had the thought that for the first time in her life she wouldn't have to be the strong one what had made her so drawn to him?  When he had turned away from her she wasn't sure, but she had gone to him anyway and he had welcomed her into his arms, into his bed, and eventually into his heart. 

He had been so distant at first, never talking about his past, about the family he had lost and those he had left behind.  In a way she hadn't minded...if he was quiet about his past then she could be the same with hers...but then Maggie changed that.  Abby quickly gulped the contents of her glass, choking slightly at it's strength before refilling it.  No...this wasn't about Maggie...this was about Luka, and Luka was dead.

"No!"  She wanted to scream...she had pretended she didn't care for him, but even she knew it was a lie.  What she had with Carter was never anything like what things had been with Luka.  With him there was a comfort she had never found in Carter's arms, why had she never told him that?  Why had she forced him away when the truth was that she had wanted nothing more then to be with him?

If only she had found a way to accept that he couldn't turn away from the love he would always feel for him wife and children.  If only she had understood some of the pain he was living with.  If only she had been able to put him before her own problems.  She downed the second glass as quickly as she had the first.  Put his problems before her own...when had she ever been able to do that?  Not with Luka, not with would always be Maggie and now Eric before she could give to anyone else.

And still, Luka was dead.  The words echoed in her head and she found the tears coming again.  She had loved him, she knew she had, in the ways she was capable of loving.  Had he ever known that?  Why hadn't she told him?  She found herself sitting the glass aside before getting up and moving to the shelf that held the snowglobe...she was sure it had been from him...and in that she found comfort.  Winding it, she carried it back to the couch and sat, only to cradle it in her lap.  Why hadn't she told him what it had meant to receive it?  When all of the others had received gag gifts he had taken the time to chose something he had known she would love...he had cared even knowing she was with Carter.

With one hand on the globe she reached over to pour another glass.  All of the things she had never said to him were lost now because, Luka was dead.  "You can't be dead!"  She found herself screaming the words before she emptied the glass and curled up on the couch, the globe her only tie to him.  The tears turned to sobs and choked in her could she live knowing he was dead?  How could she live knowing she had never really told him the one thing she had known he wanted to hear?  Pulling the snowglobe close she found herself looking into it as if she could somehow find a part of him inside.  "I loved you Luka, I loved you and I pushed you away because I was afraid to find out that I could feel that strongly for one person."  That was her own truth wasn't it?  She had been just as afraid as he was, and where he was afraid to let go of those he had lost, she was afraid to allow him inside because she was just as afraid of losing him.  And now...Luka was dead....and it was too late.

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