065 Scream 100 Situations

To Sleep, Perchance Not To Dream (065.Scream )
Fandom: ER
Characters: Luka Kovac
Prompt: Scream
My table: http://dr-luka-kovac.livejournal.com/26237.html
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Misc TV
Words: 484
Summary: Luka tries to get past the ordeal with Ames
Author's Notes: Spoilers to the episode Murmurs of the Heart

I thought I knew what pain was, I was wrong.  I thought I knew what it was to be afraid, I was wrong.  I thought I was ready to die, I was wrong.

I need the pain to stop, and I know I need to sleep, but all I really want to do is hold Joe and Abby close and never let them go. They gave me pain meds at County, they splinted my hand and told me that as soon as the swelling went down I'd have to go through surgery, but they can't give me any guarantees.  What's worse, the thing I need most no one can give me. I close my eyes and all I see is his face, I hear his voice, but worse, far worse is hearing my own scream. 

How many pills would I need to take it all away? How many pills to let me sleep without seeing him, without hearing his voice.  How many pills to spare me the sound of my own scream as the vice crushed more then my hand?  Abby doesn't dare leave the bottle within my reach, I think she's afraid of what I might do.  Truth is, even if I wanted to take my life I couldn't, my faith won't allow it. It wouldn't then,  when I lost Danijela and the children, it won't now, when I may have lost the life I've struggled so long to achieve.

I listen to Abby comforting Joe in the other room and I can't help but find myself back in the living-room in those moments when it all started.  What if I hadn't come out of it alive? I keep hearing Abby as she begged me to stay, the fear in her voice, and I know it wasn't just her fear of what would happen to me.  I promised I would take care of her and Joe, but how could I if I wasn't with them?

I want to scream, but I know what that would do to Abby and Joe.  What right do I have to subject them to more after all they've already been through?   Oh, God...I need the pain to stop.  How many pills to make it go away? I just want the throbbing to stop.  How many pills would it take until I can no longer feel the blood as it tries to force itself through veins pinched too tight by crushed bone? 

If I close my eyes, and give in to the sleep that I know I need, how long would it take for Ames to find his way into my dreams?  How long before my own screams of pain would wake me? I can't deny it would happen, but, how long can I avoid sleep?  How many pills to give me just a few hours free of pain, free of dreams, a few hours of peace?