(Locked from Abby.)
Patient's Name: Luka Kovac
Fandom: ER
Word Count: 870
Partner Patient’s Name (canon): Abby Lockhart
This last year has been a difficult one for Abby and I, we've had to deal with both personal and professional challenges, and we've both made choices, even mistakes that will affect us for years to come. I know that neither of us planned for any of what has happened, and if someone had asked me where we would be in our relationship at this point a year ago, I'd never have imagined this. I think the I think the hardest part of all of it was learning that Abby was capable of such a betrayal, because, I never would have believed it possible had it not happened. Even now, knowing it's true there are times when I want to believe it isn't
When Danijela and I met, it was like finding the other half of myself. Because we were so young, we had to wait almost two years to marry, but, we were okay with that because we knew we had our entire lives ahead of us. Once we were married, it was like everything was falling into place, I was working toward becoming a doctor, and we soon had two healthy children. Sure, maybe we weren't yet completely where we wanted to be, but we had each other and we knew the rest would come.
We were wrong. The perfect world we thought was coming was gone before it could even begin. Once I lost my family I gave up on ever again finding anyone who would make me feel the way Danijela did. For the longest time I refused to let myself stay anywhere long enough for anyone to learn anything about me, but, far worse, I refused to let myself get close to anyone. I'd failed my family all those years ago and I was determined to make sure I never forgot that. Then I moved to Chicago.
If you had told me that coming to Chicago would change my life I wouldn't have believed you, why should I? As far as I was concerned nothing was any different about County than any other Hospital I had worked at, I didn't plan to do anything different, and then Carol Hathaway had her twins and somehow the door was opened again. Carol was alone with those two beautiful babies, she needed someone, and I let myself believe that maybe I could be that person.
I wasn't that person though, as much as I might have wanted it, the feelings I'd shared with Danijela, were the same ones Carol shared with the father of her daughters. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't tempted to retreat back into my old ways once Carol and the girls were gone. I can't even explain why I didn't, but, that hesitation left the door open and somehow, Abby found her way in.
I wish I could say that Abby and I got it right from the very first time we decided that we wanted to be together, but, it wasn't that way with us, from that very first date things went wrong. I can't speak for Abby, but, I know she had to feel jealous of the feelings I still held for Danijela, still hold for her. How could she not wonder how she could compete with a woman who had been dead for 8 years? Eventually she realized she couldn't, we both carried too much baggage and as if to prove it we parted amid hurled insults meant to wound the other as much as we both felt we'd already been hurt.
It took Abby and I five years to find our way back to each other. It wasn't an easy journey, it took slow steps by both of us, and even then there were rocky times before us. Somehow, we worked through things, or I thought we had, we brought our beautiful son into the world, we finally married, and then before we could even get comfortable, everything fell apart on us again.
I'll never know why I was forced to choose between my father and my family, I'll never know why Abby felt that betraying her vows would make things better for her. Whatever the reasons, neither of us can undo what we both did and the damage it has done to our relationship. Both Abby and I have decided that what we have is worth saving, but, that can't happen if we stay in Chicago. Despite all this, the feelings Abby and I have for each other haven't changed, we still love each other, and for the sake our family, for the sake of our future, we've decided to start over again. I can't say that I will ever feel the same way toward Abby that I felt toward Danijela, I don't know that I have to, I do know that I'm not ready to give up on us. I love Abby, I want her to be happy, I want us to be happy, only time will tell if we can get there again.
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