If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about any one thing you wished ~ concerning yourself, your life, the future, or anything else ~ what would you want to know?
I never thought I would experience the hardship of being a single parent, but, in some ways, the life I'm living now is very much like that. Having come back to Croatia with Joe and knowing that Abby can't be a participant in this part of our lives makes me realize how hard these past months had to have been on her. Knowing she was doing the same while I was tending to my father, if only we had talked more about what was happening, maybe things wouldn't have gotten to where they are. I don't know that it would have changed anything, that it could have changed what was meant to happen to us, but, I can't stop thinking that it couldn't have hurt.
It's different being back in Croatia now, having the responsibility of my son's care in my hands. For so many years I avoided coming home because the memories that came with the visits were always ones of sadness and loss, but now, I can't help but see things with completely different eyes, for my son, I have to.
I used to pray that I could forget the past, all the memories of Danijela, of Jasna and Marko that used to haunt me in my waking hours, that visited me through nightmares. Having Joe here now, taking him to places I shared with those long gone, I now find myself clinging to those same memories, hoping that through them that one day he can know the brother and sister he will never be able to meet. How is it that someone so small can undo so much pain and loss in such a short time?
It's been sixteen years since my world fell apart and I had all but given up on ever knowing happiness again. Now, here I am, back where I started so many years before, and as hard as it is for me to admit to anyone, especially myself, I'm scared. I know too well how unfair life can be, and the thought of history repeating itself is something that can leave me clinging to the toilet bowl as dry heaves tear through me. I wish sometimes, that I could peek into a crystal ball, if only to steal a glimpse of what the future might hold. Never for me though, whatever happens to me can happen, if I could see for Joe, to know he was going to be happy in his life, but, mostly, to just knowhe would always be safe. That would be enough, I don't need to know any more then that.
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