I'm a doctor, I'm supposed to know how to save lives, but time and time again when it comes to those that matter I fail. I know, if I look at the totals and compare the number of lives I've saved to those I've lost, those still here will always win, but that doesn't ease the guilt at my failures, or lessen my grief when I think of those who are no longer here.
I look at my earliest failures, the ones that still linger even after so many years. even though I know in my head that I did all that I could, in my heart I still find reason to blame myself for my short-comings.
We all make mistakes, but, how do you forgive yourself for those mistakes that you know you shouldn't have made, those mistakes that under different circumstances you wouldn't have made? Rick Kendrick, Curtis Ames...the names may change, but, the fact remains that lives were lost because I failed at what I was trained to do.
So, maybe the question should be not so much do I know how to save a life, so much as can I?
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