I'm no good at keeping secrets. When Abby became pregnant with Joe, she didn't want anyone to know, especially those at the hospital. We weren't married, maybe she was afraid of what people would say, I don't know, but how could I keep something like that to myself? I was so happy when she decided to keep him. At first I just told my father, all those years that he had grieved the loss of his only grandchildren and now I could finally tell him he would have another. It wasn't wasn't just having a grandchild that was important to him you understand, it was knowing that his name, our name, wouldn't die with me, but, it would continue on.
I did a little better with keeping the wedding plans secret, or at least I was able to keep them from Abby. I told everyone there was a mandatory staff dinner and with Hope's help we organized everything from her dress, to the flowers, to Joe being present. I think the only thing that could have made it more perfect then it was would have been if my father and her mother could have been there.
As I think about how happy I am now I do realize that there is a secret I've kept, one of those that I don't want to admit even to myself. I think the reason it scares me is because of the fact that had the faith I denied for so many years not been so strong, I might well have acted on it. For you see, my secret is that I...for many years... I had a death-wish. If I hadn't been Catholic and believed that by taking my own life I would have never been able to one day reunite with Danijela and my children, I might not even be here, Joe wouldn't be here, and that scares the hell out of me. To think that I came so close several times, that I taunted death, but somehow, my life was always spared even when others lost theirs. So, I guess I can keep a secret, if only to remind me, that I can't give up, because I never know what the future might bring.
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