Ghosts 28/37

Chapter  28

An ER Fanfic following the "Bishop Stewart" arc

It would be so easy to just surrender to it...that was the lingering thought in his mind as Luka let his head drop to his arms.  As Angelique's hand moved through his hair, he could feel himself being lulled into the fog of drowsiness...the place where the ghosts often lurked.  He knew it was a mistake to give in to it, he knew he should stay, but it was so close, and he was so tired.

"It's all right, Sweetie."  He could hear her voice, quiet, reassuring, safe...her voice had always made him feel safe.  His hold on the present drifted farther away, as if he were floating in water and each breath he released seemed to carry him further and further from shore.

It was too hot...he was too hot...shifting restlessly he pushed the thin blanket off of him in a vain attempt to find some relief.  The fever left him disoriented, unable to make sense of the mixture of voices and smells that tumbled over themselves in his mind.  He groaned in agony as his movements jarred his leg, sending fresh waves of pain cascading over him. 

"Shh...Sweetie, try not to move."  He heard the woman's voice above all of the others only moments before the damp cloth was laid across his forehead.  "I'm going to give you something for the pain."  He forced himself to concentrate on the sound of her voice, then opened his eyes slowly, narrowing his attention to her alone.  "You're going to feel a sting, Sweetie...then you'll get very sleepy."  Her words barely made sense but her tone held a comfort he needed, flicking his tongue across too dry lips he nodded, then closed his eyes again.  Anything...the thought lingered...just make the pain go away..

She had taken the pain away, or at least the physical pain, the emotional would not be so easily healed. He had continued to struggle with that long after his body had recovered, but she had never given up on him.  Fighting the growing lethargy he lifted his head from his arms.  "Angelique."  He spoke her name quietly, confirming to himself again then his eyes were not playing tricks on him.

Releasing a smile the woman moved her hand from his hair to his face as she nodded again.  It couldn't be easy for him, she knew that, and many years of experience had taught her that he couldn't be rushed.  His understanding had to come at his own pace.  "Yes, Luka...it's me."  She brushed her fingers through the prematurely gray hair at his temples, the smile remaining intact.  "Why don't we go and get some coffee...and maybe something to eat?"  Normalcy, that was he needed now, simple tasks he could grasp until his mind processed all of this.  "Come on, Sweetie...let me help you up."

She had to be patient, and she paused, waiting for him to grasp onto her words before moving to help him stand.  Even with her arm around him he was unsteady and she couldn't help but begin to make comparisons to how he had been when she had first met him.  "You're doing fine."  She offered the reassurances quietly, continuing to whisper to him even as they walked away from the room.

The change on him as soon as they stepped outside the confines of the Church was immediate and left her wondering if it was just the blast of cool night air or something more.  He had noticeably relaxed and though he had yet to say anything more, she knew if she released him he would be fine.  Did she want to let him go though?  After all these years of wondering what had become of him, she finally had him back in her life, was she ready to release him?  Could she take the chance that he might run from his past and in turn run from her?

"Angelique?"  He spoke her name so softly that she almost didn't hear him over the noise on the street, and when she did he had already stopped walking.  Shifting her full attention to his face she offered a soft smile.  "Yes, Luka."

"How?"  He shook his head, then closed his eyes and opened them again as he tried to force his mind to rational thought. 

"How did I find you?"  It was Angelique's turn to shake her head.  "I didn't know you would be here, Alexander asked me to fill in for a colleague who wasn't able to finish the tour.  I'm retired now, it was a chance to come to America, when I saw you, Sweetie...I thought that Alexander had somehow found you and wanted to surprise me.  I never forgot you..he knew that, but when I saw your face, I knew you didn't know either."  She found her smile deepening as the words of her explanation spilled out.  "How are you Luka?  Are you still a doctor?"  She stopped herself from asking what she next wanted to know from him. Have you allowed yourself to live again, Luka?  Have you allowed yourself to be happy?  Have you allowed yourself to love again?

How was he?  He wasn't sure what he should say in response, should he tell her he thought he was going insane?  That there were times when the ghosts of his past became so strong that he no longer knew where he was or what he was doing?  Should he tell her that he had met someone but couldn't bring himself to fully open his heart to her lest he lose her too?

Lifting a hand he brushed it back through his hair with a brief shake of his head.  "Yes, I'm still a doctor...it's how I met the Bishop." As soon as the statement was out he regretted it.  Why had he opened the door to the man's ghost?  He let the hand drop as he pulled his eyes from her and to the Church as if he expected the elderly Priest to be walking down the stairs to join them.

"Luka?"  Angelique's voice drew his eyes back to her, "Are you all right?"  She couldn't restrain the need to look after him even now.  Was that why he had remained so much a part of her thoughts for all of these years?  Was the fact that she'd always felt she had failed him what kept him close to her?  Was this her second chance to do what she had been unable to do all those years ago?

"Yeah."  He nodded even though he knew the answer to be a lie...he wasn't all right, how could he be?  In the last two months his life had been turned upside down and as a result the fragile hold he'd maintained on his sanity was fraying.

Whether she knew or was just guessing, Angelique touched his arm again.  "Luka, Sweetie, why don't we go and find some coffee, we have time, we don't have to rush this."  She let the smile fill her face as she spoke, she would not lose him again, and in that moment Angelique knew if that meant staying in Chicago to be close to him, that was what she was willing to do.

to be continued...

Ghosts 27/37

Chapter  27

An ER Fanfic following the "Bishop Stewart" arc

Watching what he knew had to be a reunion, Father Joe found himself torn, to watch or not to watch?  His immediate comparison was to the fascination people had with watching an accident or other traumatic event unfold before them.  The morbid curiosity outweighing the knowledge that those involved deserved some sense of privacy.

Glancing to Fletcher for a moment he found himself grateful that the man had continued to speak, even though he was sure he was aware of the drama unfolding at the rear of the room.  The impact of his words on those in the audience keeping most of their attention on him and away from the two doctors.

Returning his attention to the two he found himself wondering if the Bishop had arranged the reunion...but how?  Had he somehow known the seminar would draw the two together?  His forehead creased as he realized the enormity of coincidences that would have had to occur to make it happen.  No, he couldn't have done it...there had been no time.  The folder that had contained the young doctor's file had come after his death, he had opened it himself, he wouldn't even have known of the woman's existence, let alone her connection to him.  Even having read the file he hadn't made the connection when he had been introduced to her, she'd simply been a name in his files, one of many who had held pieces of his life in trust for him.

No, he was sure this had not been prearranged with her, her reaction at first seeing him, the expression on her face, she had been as surprised at seeing him as he was to her.  The question remained...how had it happened?

Angelique found herself battling her own emotions as he touched her cheek, voicing his disbelief even as he tried to maintain some hold on his own.  "It's really me, Sweetie."  She kept her voice low, her words for his ears alone as she lay her hand over his, he was trembling.  As she lifted her eyes to his face she noted the color had fled from it, he was close to fainting, she had seen the symptoms often enough to be sure of that.  Whether it was shock, or something else, she had to get him somewhere more private, somewhere away from all the people.

"Sweetie, you need some air...let's go out into the hallway."  She knew she couldn't rush him, she wasn't even sure yet that he had fully registered her as being real.  As she lay her hand on first his back, then slid it around his waist to steady him she became more convinced of it.  She had to get him out of here...somewhere they could be alone, somewhere away from the prying eyes of strangers.  "Sweetie...you need to come with me now, it's all right."  She kept her voice quiet, coaxing him gently to move to the door and ultimately into the hallway.

Her hand on his might as well have been a jolt of electricity, he was losing it, he was sure of it. Luka's stomach rose and plunged again, the queasiness threatening to envelope him if the dizziness didn't claim him first.  She was talking to him...he had to be imagining her...she couldn't be here, not in Chicago, not after so many years...oh God, he was going insane.

He swallowed, his mouth suddenly dry as he struggled to separate what was real from what had to be his imagination...what was happening to him?  Listen to the words... focus on the touch...he almost flinched as he felt the weight of her hand on his back....it felt so real.  When her arm moved to his waist he latched onto it as if it was a life preserver, her words drawing him closer to reality...she had to be real...oh God, please make her real.

Once she had Luka in the hallway Angelique found it much easier to fully concentrate on his condition.  He was still trembling, and his face remained pale, but at least his breathing seemed to be returning to somewhere near normal.  Glancing around the empty hallway, Angelique frowned, then brought her attention back to him...no chairs.  "Sweetie...I want you to sit down, that's it...take your time."  She kept a firm hold on him until he had eased himself to the floor and lay his arms across his knees.  As she knelt in front of him she lay a hand on his arm, "You're all right."  She continued to offer the reassurances until it seemed the trembling was subsiding.

For five, then ten minutes neither spoke, as if anything said might shatter the fragile hold he had built.  When he finally lifted his head and seemed to focus on her she was left with the feeling that he still hadn't fully convinced himself he wasn't lost in a dream.  "You aren't dreaming of me Sweetie...I'm here."  She couldn't help smiling as the words left her, her hand remaining on his arm even as she spoke.

"But how?"  His question was unexpected, and his voice quieter then she remembered.  She shook her head slightly, it's a long story...I'll tell you later."  He seemed to accept that and he let his head drop as if that act alone had exhausted him.  Moving her hand to his head she found herself stroking his hair, using the action as a way of calming herself as well as him.  They had so much to talk about, but this was not the time, or the place...

to be continued...

Ghosts 26/37

Chapter 26

An ER Fanfic following the "Bishop Stewart" arc

Letting him walk out of the door alone was the hardest thing she had ever done, Abby was sure of that.  Reaching across the couch she picked up Luka's discarded sweater, burying her face in the soft fibers she inhaled his smell before pulling it over her head.  Even up to the last instant...when he'd closed the door behind him she hadn't been sure he would be able to carry through on his promise to the Priest, and actually attend the seminar.  He'd been lost most of the day, pacing the room nervously, unable to concentrate on anything for more then a few moments.  He'd said almost nothing throughout the long day and her efforts to get him to rest, or even eat had fallen on deaf ears as he battled a stomach in knots.  By late afternoon she had given up and found herself feeling as lost as he was. 

How many times had she contemplated going to him, willing to offer nothing more then the physical comfort of her body?  She inhaled his scent from the sweater, as if that might somehow bring her closer to him as she remembered thinking that her offer might somehow be enough to distract him long enough to find some peace.  In the end, she had done nothing but watch helplessly as he moved restlessly around the small space, alternately picking things up as if he had never seen them before then putting them down again.  Worse then that though were the times when he moved to the window only to lose himself to the memories of his past as he stared into the gray winter day.

Ultimately he'd given in, unable to refuse the Priest nor the Bishop's final request of him.  Even after the decision was made he'd found no peace, and he debated still longer with himself before finally asking that she stay behind.  Why was it so hard for him to let her share his life?  As she folded her arms around herself and closed her eyes Abby could almost convince herself that it was Luka's arms that held her...but the reality remained.  She was here, at a time when he needed her more then ever he had chose to go alone, leaving her waiting while he was left with the ghosts of his past as his companions.

Father Joe followed Angelique's gaze as she shifted her attention to the opening door.  As the color fled her face and she reached for the chair to steady herself his instinct was to move towards her, he'dnever know why he failed to act.  The expression that moved across her face left him thinking she had seen a ghost, then as she whispered the young doctor's name and began to walk towards him his attention shifted.  If the man was aware she was there he hadn't reacted to her at all...no, he hadn't, his eyes hadn't left the podium since he had entered. 

The Priest split his attention between the two, there was little doubt in his mind that Luka had shut himself down to everyone in the room but Fletcher, he'd seen the signs before.  The young doctor had only entered far enough to put his back to the wall beside the door, as if somehow grounding himself with the contact.  Father Joe pulled his eyes away and forced himself to Doctor Forquet, she was still moving towards him, but her pace had slowed, as if she somehow sensed he might panic and flee.

Oh my God, Luka...Angelique was certain he shock of seeing him enter the room would bring on a heart attack.  Had Alexander somehow known?  Had his invitation to join him been his idea of a grand reunion?  She steadied herself on the chair think without thinking released it and started towards him.  Was it possible he was taller then she remembered him being?  Her eyes swept over him, measuring the man before her against the images of him who played guest in her dreams and memories.  He'd put on weight...and his temples held traces of gray...his face looked drawn, tired...but it was his eyes she remembered and as she met them, she saw they still held the sadness in them.  He'd entered alone...was he still grieving the family he had lost so many years before?

She slowed as her initial surprise gave way to common sense and caution, he had yet to see her, his attention fully on Alexander as he spoke from the podium.  That he hadn't moved any farther then the door spoke to his wariness, but something had forced him to this point...or someone.

He shouldn't have come...that was the thought that continued to dominate all others as he pressed his back against the wall.  What had he been thinking?  He hadn't...he could already feel the panic rising, the tightening of his chest...the air that seemed no longer to be there.  Concentrate on the man at the front...pretend the others aren't here...he fought for control, only to feel it slip a little farther away from his grasp...they were all still here.  Why had he agreed to do this?  He could feel the catch in his breaths as the unrational sense of panic grew stronger...listen to the words...what words?  His head felt like it was filled with a million voices all talking to him at once.

"Luka...Sweetie...look at me...you have to slow your breathing down."

He flinched as the one voice grew louder then the rest, feeling a hand on his arm before he was firmly jerked back to the reality of the present and to the face before him.  No... it couldn't be...not here, it had to be a dream, his eyes widened in stunned disbelief.

"Slower...that's good, Sweetie, you're all right."  She'd taken hold of his arm again, as if somehow her touch could keep him anchored.

She felt so real, but how had she gotten here?  He forced himself to look at her in more detail, using it as a way to chase the panic away and ground himself even more.  He wasn't imagining her...she was really here.  He was sure his legs weren't going to give way as the reality finally hit, and he lifted a hand to touch her cheek in final confirmation.  "Angelique...is it really you?

to be continued...

Ghosts 25/37

Chapter  25

An ER Fanfic following the "Bishop Stewart" arc

Abby lay watching Luka long after he had finally fallen asleep.  While he had tried to pretend the meeting with the Priest was a simple social call, nothing more then his desire to check on him, she had known there was much more to it then that.  With a sigh she rested her head on his bare chest, then released a soft sigh as his arm curled protectively around her in response to her actions, before his hand settled in the small of her back.  Nothing mattered more to her then offering him the sense of security he seemed so desperately to need right now.

Unable to sleep, she found herself focussing on the rise and fall of his chest as she threaded her fingers through the curls that graced it.  Would he ever really share all that had happened to him with her?  Would he feel he could trust her with the life he had lost so many years ago?  "Shh."  She whispered the word as he moaned softly in his sleep and she felt his breathing alter in response to what he was seeing in his dreams.  "Shh, Luka...it's only a dream..."  She lifted a hand to his face, as if the touch alone would be enough to anchor him and allow the memories that seemed to be moving in to fade.

<Croatian>"Luka...we have to leave the city." Danijela's eyes searched out her husbands as they sat together near the window, watching the flashes in the distance.  "I'm scared...what if something was to happen to you?"  Shifting his attention fully to his wife, Luka drew her to him before folding his arms around her.  "Danijela...nothing is going to happen to me."  He offered the reassurances softly, keeping the conversation low so as not to wake the two small children who slept nearby.  "Would it make you feel safer if you took the children to your parents, or mine?"  He lay his cheek against her hair, offering the suggestion even though the thought of being separated from them was one he couldn't bear to imagine. It was almost a relief when he felt her relax against him, "No...we won't leave you, I won't raise them alone, Luka....you're their father, I want you in their life."  The shakiness of her words betrayed her deeper emotions and he couldn't help but notice that.  "Danijela...your safety...their safety, is what's important.  I can't leave now, but you can."  He tightened his arms around her before letting his eyes move to the scene outside, drawn by the bright flashes of the explosions in the distance.  "I won't leave without you."  Danijela's voice had taken a firmer tone and he immediately brought his full attention back to her.  "Whatever we go through Luka, we go through as a family."

Luka moaned softly as the words resounded in his mind, the realization that they had proven so untrue strong enough to wake him.  Lifting a hand he wiped the wetness from his cheeks before daring to meet Abby's questioning eyes as she raised to look at him.  "Luka?"  Shaking his head he pulled his eyes away, searching for something....anything to distract him until he could regain his control.  "Luka.."  Abby's hand on his cheek forced him to look at her and he swept his tongue across his lips in preparation of having to speak. "You have to put some closure to this."  

That she would lend voice to what he already knew said much and he blinked back fresh tears with the realization before nodding his ascent.  "I'm afraid to give them up..."  His voice broke as he spoke.  "You won't be giving them up, you'll be letting them rest.  Luka, they're gone...they have been for a long time...you can't keep blaming yourself for that."  She could feel the tension beneath her and knew he was approaching the need to flee "Danijela would never have wanted you to stop living."  Knowing she had entered dangerous ground, Abby sat up, letting the blanket pool around her as she looked down at him.  

Seemingly taking his cue from Abby, Luka sat up as well, dragging a hand through his hair as her words worked their way through him.  When he finally spoke his voice was quiet and laced with the pain of his losses. "I should have been with them."  The tears he had battled to hold back fell with the admission and Abby could do little more then move to him, wrapping her arms around him as she allowed him to grieve his losses.  "No, you shouldn't have been.  You have to go tonight, Luka, you've held onto this alone for too long...it's time to let it go."  Tightening her hold she kissed his hair, knowing that anything else she might say would be lost as he long suppressed grief found an outlet for release.

"It's a good turnout."  Alexander Fletcher let his attention shift to the growing audience then back to the Priest who stood beside him.  "I wasn't sure what to expect...the Bishop set this in motion before his passing...I just carried through on it for him."  Father Joe glanced to the audience as well, unable to hide his disappointment as the one person he had so counted on being present still remained absent.  "Alexander."  Angelique's voice drew the Priest's attention back and he smiled warmly as the woman joined them.  "I'm sorry to have kept you waiting....I got caught up in a conversation with a couple from the Balkans."  She lay a hand on her companion's arm as she reached them.  "I figured as much." Alexander returned the smile, "Angelique Forquet...may I present Father Joe."  He made his way through the introductions quickly before looking back to the those assembled.  "I think it's time to begin, if you will excuse me?"  

Without waiting for a response the man made his way to the podium, offering a broad smile as the room quieted.  "Good evening, my name is Alexander Fletcher, I want to thank all of you for coming, that in itself says much. For many of you I know it was not an easy decision, but the fact you are here says you recognize that it's time to take action.."  As he continued to speak he found himself looking from person to person, searching for the signs that would clue him into what he could expect from them as the talk progressed.

As her associate spoke Angelique found herself watching the crowd as well, it had been the same in the earlier cities and would no doubt repeat with those remaining, or so she thought before her attention was drawn as the door opened to admit a late arrival.  He entered warily and at his appearance Angelique found herself reaching for the back of a nearby chair to steady herself.  It couldn't be...she took in the somber, dark expression, older yes...he would be...but how?  Maybe she was only seeing him because she had wanted to so badly, she blinked as if that would clear her vision, it had to be him.  "Luka."  The name escaped as a whispered confirmation even as she found herself moving towards him.

to be continued...

Ghosts 24/37

Chapter  24

An ER Fanfic following the "Bishop Stewart" arc

The need to stay close to him was strong and as Luka walked away from her, Abby found herself instinctively moving to follow.  She'd seen what this had been doing to him, how could she let him face this alone...regardless of what he said.  "Abby."  She tried to ignore the call from Kerry Weaver as it reached her, her eyes still on Luka's retreating back.  He needed her...she had to go.  "Abby."  The increasing shrillness of her superior's voice stopped her and she turned to face her.  "We have an MVA coming in less then five, I want you meeting it...where's Kovac?  Has anyone seen him?"  The redhead turned her attention to those around her, allowing Abby to cast a sideways glance down the hall again.  No..she wouldn't follow him, more importantly she wouldn't pull him away from doing what he felt he needed to do.  The decision reached, she turned and without another glance she headed for the doors to the ambulance bay.

"How did you sleep?"  Alexander Fletcher asked the question even as he took in the appearance of the woman beside him.  "Good.."  Angelique Forquet glanced out of the planes window to the city below then returned her attention to her companion, noting that his gaze had dropped to the folder still lying in her lap.  Luka..she lay her hand on the top photo as his name found it's way into her thoughts.  "Do you keep in touch with all of them?"  The question surprised her and she closed the folder with a shake of her head, as if that would silence the thoughts.  "Very few of them actually, most don't want to dwell on what they had to go through...I'm a reminder of that."  

She reached for her carry-on, intent on sliding the evidence inside.  "Is he one of those?"  Angelique paused, a look of momentary confusion flooding her face.  "Who?"  Reaching over Alexander tapped the still exposed portion of the folder.  "The young man on the crutches...I've noticed you spend more time looking at his picture then you do the others."  Nodding lightly she withdrew the folder again and opened it to fully reveal the photo.  "Luka." She glanced down at the frozen image then back up at him.  "I don't know where he is now."  She let a finger trace the outline of him.  "He was so lost when I first spoketo him, all he wanted was to die so he could be with his wife and children."  She lifted her gaze to her companion.  "They were killed in Vukovar...and he survived...he never really forgave himself for that."  She closed the folder again and slid it into the carry-on before offering him a weak smile.  "Part of me wants to believe that he remarried and has a new family, he deserved that.  I don't know though, I lost touch with him a long time ago."

Alexander reached across the short distance that separated them, laying a hand on hers as she turned away once more to look out the window.  When she finally spoke again her voice was softer and he found himself leaning closer to hear her over the noise of the plane.  "We tell ourselves not to get attached...but it's hard...especially when they are hurting as much as he was..."  She raised a hand to wipe the threatening tears as they formed, her eyes finding his as he began to speak.  "I know....but we all do it...we wouldn't be human if we didn't."

"Excuse me...Father?  I understand you were looking for me."  Even as he spoke Luka was fighting the urge to flee, he didn't have to do this.  "Dr. Kovac."  The smile that filled the Priest's face was genuine.  "I'll be right with you."  He turned his attention back to the woman sitting beside him only to lay a hand on her head before sharing a whispered prayer with her.  Not wanting to intrude, Luka walked to the windows on the far side of the room, letting his attention wander as he watched those outside.  What good would it serve to bring everything to the surface again?  That was a lifetime ago..

"Dr. Kovac? " At the unexpected sound of his name he found himself jerked out of his thoughts and he turned suddenly.  "Father."  He struggled to regain his composure before he revealed too much, as his eyes settled on the man.  "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you...thank you for seeing me."  Unwilling to trust his voice to hide his feelings Luka could only nod.  "I've missed you at church and I also wondered if you had made a decision on tomorrow night."  Offering little more then a shake of his head Luka let his gaze wander back outside the window....what was he supposed to say?  Did the man even realize how hard he had worked to build the walls that kept his ghosts at bay?  Now he was supposed to just walk in andlet them be knocked down ....he ran his tongue around the inside of his lips as he searched for the words to explain.  

"Dr. Kovac...Luka, if you don't want to come for yourself, come to help the others... you're a doctor, think of what that means."  The Priest struggled for just the right words that would accomplish his goal.  Releasing a breath, Luka lifted a hand to brush it back through his hair before finally turning to look at the Priest fully.  "No one will ask more of you then you are ready to give Luka...but it's time you faced this, it's time you stopped hiding."

to be continued...

Ghosts 23/37

Chapter  23

An ER Fanfic following the "Bishop Stewart" arc

As he found himself a seat in the waiting room, Father Joe was still questioning his decision to approach the young doctor again.  Has he crossed the imaginary lines that separated personal desires from professional advisement's with the man? Had he put his supposed obligation to continue the Bishop's work over what might be in the young doctor's best interest? There was no question that the seminar would prove a great benefit to him, but was his decision to use the Bishop as a means to get him there appropriate?

The Priest drew himself out of his thoughts to look around the packed room.  How long had the doctor buried himself in his work as a means to forget his past...5 years...10 years? In that time he had fought to reinvent himself...he had turned from his faith, his country, anything that had served to remind him of who he had been, what he had been.   What right did he have now to even ask him to undo that and face those things he had left behind?

The more the questions nagged at him the more Father Joe realized how different he was from the man Bishop Stewart had been.  How many times he had envied the Bishop's unique gift for seeing past the walls so many of their parishioners hid behind.  The Priest let his gaze settle on a woman nearby, her eyes red from crying, and in that moment he realized what else had eluded him in all of his questioning.  As he stood he let his thoughts of the Bishop and the Doctor retreat, before he approached the woman.  "Excuse me, my name is Father Joe...you look like you could need some company, do you mind if I join you?"

He'd been helping in the hospital for almost a week and in that short time Angelique had found herself looking for opportunities to watch him.  That he had been a good doctor, was still one, was obvious in those times where he let the walls he had built around himself down to reveal it.  He was so cautious though, and she had limited his treatment so far to the more minor cases to give him time to ease back into things.  She saw the way he listened to what even those patients failed to say and she couldn't help wondering if he saw himself in each of them as well.

Whether it was coincidence, or deliberate, Luka had thus far managed to avoid directly dealing any of the children that found their way in for treatment.  It was too soon, he told himself, as each would enter and he found somewhere else to busy himself.  Even the simple act of walking across the camp on an errand and having to hear their voices, or worse the sound of their laughter as they played, was enough to tear the barely closed wound of his own losses open again..

Word of the incoming had reached them before the victims of the landmine did and Luka glanced up from the supplies he was unpacking as the more serious were carried in.  As each doctor became busy his panic, rose...there were more coming...who would treat them?  His stomach seized as the small dark haired girl was carried into the tent and the man paused looking anxiously for a free doctor to treat her.  He could feel his breath catch as her appearance triggered one of Danijela and Jasna and he steadied himself on the table as he fought to resist the wave of bile as it rose.

"Luka...I need you."  Angelique's voice found it's way into him and he blinked rapidly to clear the images before locating her among the carnage of bloodied bodies.  "Can you take the little girl...can you do that for me Sweetie?"  Even as she asked she realized what it would take for him to act, but what choice did she have?  She cut the fabric away to expose the woman's chest that lay before her...who else could she ask?  

He wanted to say no....wanted to run away, but his legs wouldn't budge and when they carried her to the bed near the table his panic rose again.  Oh God, no, he stared at the small girl's tear streaked face ..."Jasna..."  He spoke the name aloud before he realized it, instantly seeing his daughter in her. <Croatian> "It hurts..."  The small girl's voice broke his trance and without another thought he reached for the crutches and crossed the short distance that separated them.  "I know it hurts...my name is Luka, I'm going to help make it stop, can you tell me your name?"

"Angelique...time to wake up."  Alexander Fletcher had waited until the Captain announced the airplanes descent to wake his companion, though he had been tempted several times earlier. She'd fallen asleep with a folder on her lap and a glance to the picture on top revealed a young man on crutches in what he immediately recognized as a refugee camp.  Maybe he had been wrong to ask her to be part of this...to ask her to revisit this part of her career.  He glanced to the photo again then back to her face, she'd seemed willing enough when he had approached her on it....she hadn't even asked him to allow her time to think about it.  As a small smile found it's way onto her face as she dozed he tried again..."Angelique....we're almost ready to land."

As he rounded the corner to chairs Luka stopped, letting his eyes pan the crowded lobby in search of the Priest.  The fact that the man appeared to be offering comfort to a woman did little to ease his own discomfort and he fought the urge to use it as a means of avoiding having to talk to him.  No..he had to put this to rest and drawing a breath he approached the two....

to be continued...

Ghosts 22/37

Chapter 22

An ER Fanfic following the "Bishop Stewart" arc

One city down, three more to go...as she closed the door of her hotel room Angelique let the wave of fatigue wash over her.  Maybe her decision to do this had been a mistake.  It wasn't just the jetleg catching up with her, she'd long ago learned how to battle that, no, this was a different kind of fatigue.  She'd tried to prepare herself for what she might encounter, she and Alexander had discussed what he was doing, what she could expect, but even those warnings hadn't been enough to prevent her surprise at the depth of the reactions of those attending the seminar.  As her associate spoke she had watched those in the crowd...and she knew their reactions would stay with her long after the tour was over.  They came from different experiences and yet they all shared a common connection and that had been clearly evident tonight as some wept openly while others visibly appeared to close themselves off, seemingly observing from a distance.

She shook her head in dismissal as she slid her heels off and crossed the room to the bed.  It was hard to imagine what it must be like for them to carry the guilt of surviving day after day.  In the camps she had understood, their pain of loss was so fresh...but now, after so many years.  She let the thought hang as she picked up her briefcase and lay it on the bed before sitting herself.  They all had fresh lives, new families in some cases, many were worlds away from what their lives had been, but still the ghosts of their pasts haunted them.  She opened the case and slid the envelope of photos out then settled back against the headboard with them.  "What about you?"  She asked the question aloud as if the faces forever frozen in time on them could somehow answer her.  She flipped through them silently until she paused on the one of the young man on crutches, a slight smile crossing her face as she looked at it.  "What about you Luka, have you moved on...are you happy?"

At the sight of the Priest Luka's face paled....oh God....not here, the thought instantly flooded his brain obscuring all else.  He couldn't do this here...not where they could all see him, his eyes flicked nervously around him, registering who was where and whether they were watching what he was doing.  Why would they be watching?  The question rose but his fears at revealing those hidden parts of himself swallowed it before he could even acknowledge the baselessness of those same fears.  He could feel the panic rising, the early signs already taking root, as he swiped his tongue across suddenly dry lips. Raking his hand back through his hair he tried to pull a rational thought into his actions, he had to do something, but what?  He glanced around where he stood, how long had he been standing there frozen?  The need to flee was gaining strength and his heart seemed to be trying to force itself from his chest with the intensity of it's beating.

"Luka?"  Abby's hand on his arm had the effect of a jolt of electricity running through him and he pulled away at the touch, his eyes darting to her in surprise.  "Are you all right?" She tentatively laid her hand back on his arm, keeping her words quiet and for his ears alone as she spoke.  

"Yes..."  Even as the words left his mouth he knew they were a lie, he wasn't all right, but how could he explain without her thinking he was crazy?  He could feel his breathing becoming more and more irregular as his fear at what had to come rose, and he fought not to bolt.

"Luka....look at me."  Abby's hand tightened as she saw the shift in his mannerisms and on his face.  The underlying tremble running through him caught her off guard but she continued, "You don't have to talk to him, not here...I can tell him you're busy."  She offered him the escape even though she doubted he would take it, then touched the side of his face with her free hand. "Luka, you need to calm down, you don't even know why he wants to see you."

"The seminar..."His voice was barely audible as he spoke and she found herself leaning closer to even hear him.  

"You can't be sure of that."  His nod and the look on his face made any other answer from his unnecessary.  "Luka, he can't make you go if you don't want to."

Wetting his lips again, he closed his eyes as he tried to slow his breathing, then opened them again with a resigned sigh.  "It isn't him asking me to go...it's the Bishop and he knows I can't refuse him."  His words held the weight of a decision already made, even if he had yet to accept it.  The Bishop had been right, he couldn't hold onto the burden of guilt that he'd carried for so long...hadn't he agreed to let the man take it from him the night he'd died? Stepping back he rested his head wearily against the wall as he felt part of the weight ease, then closed his eyes to quell the nausea that fought to gain hold.  

Abby watched in concern as he drew back, retreating inside himself for those few moments wishing there were more she could do and knowing at the same time that this was a battle he had to win alone.  "Luka?"  She spoke his name quietly, then once more lay his hand on his arm.  "Do you want me to go tell him you're busy?"  When he shook his head she was surprised but not so much as she was as he opened his eyes and offered a brief smile of reassurance to her.

"I'll go talk to him...it's time..."  With that he moved away from her, and without saying any more he made his way to chairs and the waiting Priest...

to be continued...