Uh oh/Realm of the Muse

You just woke up and found yourself in bed with the very LAST person(s) you ever expected to. How did this happen, is this real, and now what will you do?

I'd like to say that it was only a dream, but it wasn't, it was just the start of a downward spiral that very nearly cost me my career as well as my life.  What's worse is that as bad as what it might have cost me, the affect my actions had on others was far greater, and nothing I can say or do now will ever undo those damages. 

It happened a few years back during the time when Abby and I were apart and she was dating Carter.  Susan was hosting a Christmas party for the staff of the ER and I made the mistake of attending, I should have known better, I should have stayed home, but I went anyway. 

I think I knew from the start that I was just asking for trouble by going, but they were doing a hospital Secret Santa gift exchange and I had picked Abby as the person I was supposed to buy my gift for. Anyway, I'm not going to lie and say I didn't still have feelings for Abby then, because I did, I knew I had messed things up with her and even though she was with Carter I thought we could still fix things.  I was wrong.

I don't know what it was exactly that prompted me to do it, whether it was seeing her and Carter so happy, seeing everybody there so happy, or just knowing that I wasn't, but, I started drinking from the minute I set foot in the door. I never should have gone, I found myself hiding out in the bedroom and by the time I had a chance to actually talk to Abby I was pretty messed up.  I'm not even sure what I said to her that night, but whatever it was it did nothing to change things, neither did the gift I gave her, no, she and Carter left together and I kept drinking.

When I drink too much I get stupid, or I should say I do stupid things, I don't mean to, they just happen.  Erin was one of the medical students in the ER at the time, she was a good kid, and on that night she just kept flirting with me.  Maybe I was lonely, I know I wasn't thinking about the consequences of what it could mean to her if word got around that something happened between us, but, I let her take me home.

I was wasted, but that didn't stop me from hitting on her, from kissing her once we were in my apartment, and if she hadn't of refused me I likely would have done more.  As it was, she ended up taking me to my bedroom where I passed out,

The next morning Kerry had Abby call wanting me to come in to work and Erin answered the phone, she was half dressed and I honestly couldn't remember if something had happened between us.  When I took the phone, the last person's voice I wanted to hear was Abby's, how could I know what to say to her when I wasn't sure myself what had happened?  To make things worse, Erin was standing right there, if I wasn't already ready to get sick from having had too much to drink the night before, I was sure the guilt was going to cause me to be.

I wish I could say I learned from my mistakes of that night, but, I didn't.  What happened then was the beginning of a journey that would take me very close to death before I found my way back.  It would injure some around me, and cost several others their lives before I  learned the lessons that I needed to learn. I can't undo the mistakes I made, I can't bring back the lives that were lost, I can only apologize and ask forgiveness. I would like to think I learned from those mistakes, I do somehow know that Abby and I once again found each other, we welcomed our son into our lives and are now looking forward to our marriage, there must be truth to the old saying that everything happens for a reason. If my life were to end tomorrow I would be able to die knowing I was truly blessed and I can't ask any more than that.

What is the biggest mistake you've made in a relationship?/Theatrical Muse

As Abby and I begin making plans for our marriage, I can't help but think back on the mistakes we've made, mistakes I've made. I know that I can't go back and undo anything that happened, so the best I can do is hope that in the years that have passed, I've learned enough for them not to be repeated.

If I were to regret one mistake more than any other though, it would be the way that Abby and I broke up the first time we were together. I know I wasn't thinking about the consequences of the words I used that night any more then she was thinking about what she was saying to me.  The objective for both of us was likely the same, we wanted to hurt each other and the words we threw were ones meant to sting,  They were meant to inflict a pain that would last well past that cool Chicago night when they were first used, and they did.

If you could choose the manner of your death, what would it be?/Canon Muses

I used to think about death a lot, after losing Danijela and our children, I taunted it, I threw caution to the wind, challenging it to take me as it had taken them.  I would listen for the sound of the mortars, beg them to target me, to bury me under rubble like they had my baby boy.  At other times I was sure I wanted to suffer a long, lingering death as my wife and daughter had. That same guilt that I carried for not being able to save them had me convinced that I deserved a pain as great as that which they'd suffered if not worse.

Times change though, we grow older and wiser and we see things in ways that we can't when we're too close to be objective. I look back at all that I've been through, the lives that I've touched, that I've saved.  I think of Sakima and her daughter Chance, who put my safety above their own, of Patrique who gave his life to save mine, and I know that I owe it to them, and to those who I lost before him, to live my life now to the fullest.  I think of Joe, and I realize how much Abby and I have to look forward to as he grows, and I think of the life the three of us will share together. 

So, if I had to choose my manner of death now, I really only have one choice, and that is to ask to die of old age. I can think of no better way to honor the sacrifices of those who have passed before me, or to repay the gifts given me by those still here, than to remain on this earth as long as I can.  What better reward can I offer those who have given me so much than to give of myself for as long as I'm able? Through it all, I cling to the hope that when my time does come, the good I have done will out-weigh the bad and as I enter the gates of Heaven, I'll once more be reunited with the family I lost so long ago.

 

Love Letters/Talking Muses

"Kovac, Luka" At the sound of his name Luka made his way through the throng of other soldiers waiting for the Kapetan to make his way through the stack of envelopes in his hand, hoping that the announcement of their name will reward them with some piece of mail from home. Most of those there were within a year or two of his age, just entering manhood, and fulfilling their obligated military service.

"Hvala." He took the envelope with a smile as the scent of his young fiance's perfume drifted off of it, then felt the heat of his creeping blush as he took good-natured ribbing from those near enough to catch the scent as well. 

He missed Danijela, they'd had so little time together before it'd been time for him to leave, but, he'd had no choice, he had to go before he started medical school.  Moving away from the crowd he found a quiet place to open her letter, a place safe from prying eyes and teasing voices. 

"My dearest Luka..." Her words brought a smile to his lips as he read them, if he closed his eyes he could almost hear her voice saying the words aloud...almost.  If only they'd had more time.  It had been so hard to steal moments together before he left. Not just because of her age, but, because of their fear that her parents might discover the budding relationship, they would tell them of course, but, in their own time. 

"I miss you so much, and count the hours until you'll be home again, and I can hold you in my arms."  Time, they had thought they'd have more time, but now they had only the letters to tide them over.  Letters in which they professed their love for each other, letters in which they shared their dreams for the future. Two years he would have to wait to make her his wife, it seemed a lifetime with her so far away.

"All my love, Danijela"  As he finished reading he slid the paper back into it's envelope and tucked it in his pocket.  He would never survive if not for her letters, he was sure of it, he could only wonder if it were the same for her...

March 001: Surreptitious/Creative Muses

Surreptitious

adjective
1. marked by quiet and caution and secrecy; taking pains to avoid being observed; "a furtive manner"; "a sneak attack"; "stealthy footsteps"; "a surreptitious glance at his watch" [syn: furtive]


Vukovar 1991...

They were coming.

He could feel his heart pounding in his chest as he lay under the debris in the abandoned building.

Oh God...please don't let them find me.

This couldn't be happening, but it was. He could hear the sounds of gunfire as the Serb soldiers made their way through the streets of Vukovar, clearing the buildings of any and all that they found. He was worried about those still in the hospital, patients, doctors, aides, there was nothing he could have done for them had he remained behind, but that did little to ease his concern.

The crunch of broken glass over his head sent his heart into his throat and he held his breath, praying that the beating that sounded deafening to his ear wasn't nearly so loud to those who were searching above. He lost track of how long he lay there in the darkness, feeling the dust rain down on his head as broken wallboards and fallen timbers shifted positions under the soldiers boots. He lost track of how many times he was forced to smother a cough as the smoke from their cigarettes stole what little air remained in the hole that hid him.

He had never known a fear as strong as this, he was sure of it, and then somehow, in the midst of the fear of being discovered, he had found a way to sleep, and when he had woke, it was to silence. Easing the debris aside he cautiously wormed his way out, if he was wrong, if they were still here, it would mean his death. But, the building was empty, the soldiers were gone, and he was alone.

It was time to make his escape...

Has your life worked out like you expected?/Canon Muses

Once upon a time, a young man and a young woman pledged their lives to each other. They spoke of love, and honor, of hopes and dreams, of the family they would raise, and of life they would share until death would finally part them.  Neither could have known when they shared those hopes, those dreams, that their world would end before it even had a chance to begin, but that was exactly what happened.

No one expects war to touch their lives, and when it does you try to find the best way to survive, hoping that whatever you choose is going to be in the best interest of your family.  You do what you think is going to keep them safe, you do what you think is going to keep them alive, I failed on all counts.

Instead of growing old with the first woman who had stole my heart, instead of watching my daughter grow into a beautiful woman and looking forward to walking her down the aisle, instead of watching my baby boy grow into manhood, I would bury all three. 

I accept that some things were beyond my power to change, I accept that the decisions Danijela and I made during those early days of the war in Vukovar we made together, never knowing how much we would regret them.  I will forever blame myself for not taking my family to the market with me on that fateful day, but how could I know the very place that on any other would offer safety, would on that one become their tomb? 

So, no, I can honestly say that my life has not turned out to be anything like what I expected it to be. If anything, it seemed as if it were a nightmare that I would be doomed to relive over and over as I wallowed in the guilt of failures that were mine alone to bear. But time changes our perceptions and I've finally allowed myself to see the truths I never before could see, and as I have allowed myself to see these truths, I have finally allowed myself to begin living again.

Life goes on...and a new page has begun.

 

Happily Ever After/Talking Muses

When you're young, you believe in miracles, you believe in the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, you believe in "Happily Ever After," it was that way with Danijela and I when we were married on that bright spring day.  I couldn't have imagined anyone more beautiful than she was in her white dress, more innocent than she looked with the veil shielding her face as she walked down the aisle,, her flowers clutched tightly in front of her.  We had a lifetime in front of us on that day, and if fairytales were real then this had to be what they looked like.  As we traded rings in front of our family and friends we spoke of undying love and loyalty, of embarking on a life together that would carry us to old age and beyond. Why should we think there would be anything less?  How could we know it would all go so terribly wrong in only a handful of years?

I'm older now, wiser, I've long since learned the truth about miracles, about pots of gold, about "Happily Ever Afters."  For far too many years I let my knowledge of those truths stop me from living, for what was the point if I could never reclaim what I'd once had, the happiness I'd known back when I was still innocent? 

It took facing death to make me find the reason to live again, to enable myself to look past the present and to once again live for the future. As I embark on this new journey with Abby and Joe, I'm beginning to wonder if I might find a way too, to once more believe in miracles, and if I can do that, then perhaps I might at long last know a true "Happily Ever After."