Time/Theatrical Muse

One Day

As the alarm clock sounded Luka's arm snaked out from under the blankets and patted it's way along the nightstand, seeking to silence it without his having to fully come awake. When it's ringing suddenly stopped on it's own before he had found it he surfaced only to groan and squint in the sudden brightness of the new day.

"Luka, I'm sorry, I meant to shut it off when I got up with Joe." Abby's apology came as she stood beside the bed, the alarm in one hand and Joe on her hip. "Why don't you go back to sleep, it's still early."

"Mornin," what time is it?" He smothered a yawn with the question before smiling in response to the toothless grin that he was receiving from his son as the small boy saw his father for the first time that morning. "Hey, Joe."

"You want him?" Realizing the answer even as she asked the question Abby returned the clock to the table then took a seat on the bed and handed the baby over. "It's six, to answer you question. What time did you get in?" She managed to sneak a kiss in around Joe before tucking one foot under the other thigh as she watched the two men in her life.

"I think it was around three, we had a pretty serious pile-up come in just after midnight and it really backed things up." As he spoke he turned over so Joe could sit on his stomach.

"What are you so happy about, little man? Mama get you all fed did she?" He tickled the baby's belly which prompted more giggling on the infant's part. "You going to let Tata go back to sleep? Hmm, are you? What are you laughing at?" He lifted him up in the air which brought on even more laughter from him.

"He's such a happy baby." Abby offered the observation from where she watched the two. "You should let me take him though so you can sleep. Don't worry, you'll still have time to spend with him before you have to go in when you get back up."

"I used to not mind night shifts, but, that all changes when you have kids." Luka shifted his attention to Abby, though he kept half an eye on Joe as he discovered the chain to his crucifix.

"Did you have to work many nights when you had Jasna and Marko?" The ground she was treading on was dangerous, but, she'd been finding it becoming less so since Joe's birth.

"It just depended on how bad things were, in the beginning we traded off so you might work one week of nights and then have two or three weeks off, then repeat, later, it depended how bad the shelling was." He found it harder to look at her as he spoke, and if anything found himself seeing his other children in Joe's face.

"Everything was so different then, I think about how much you enjoy taking Joe to the park, and then I think about all the times Jasna and Marko begged me to let them just go outside for a little while and I couldn't. What kind of a life was that for them, locked up in that little apartment 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? He pried the crucifix out of Joe's grasp as he started to chew on it then kissed him. "You can't eat eat that, Joe."

"I'm sorry, Luka, I know it must have been hard for you, for Danijela too, but what else could you have done, you wanted to keep them safe."

"We wanted to, but we couldn't, we didn't..I didn't." The guilt and self-blame immediately changed the mood in the room.

"Luka, don't...it was a long time ago, and there was nothing you or Danijela could have done more then what you did. You're a wonderful father now, and I know you were a wonderful father then, and a wonderful husband to Danijela, that's all that's important and all you need to remember. They loved you, you loved them, remember and cherish the good times you had with them. It's time to let the rest of it go...it's time. Now, let me take Joe, and you try and go back to sleep." Climbing off the bed she leaned over him and gave him a kiss before relieving him of their son.

"Now, try and go back to sleep, okay?" She offered him a small smile, hating that the conversation had taken the turn it had, but at the same time glad that he was beginning to open up to her.

"All right...I'll try." He returned her smile with a small one of his own as he released Joe, then turned over on his side. She was right, it was time to let the guilt he still carried finally be laid to rest, but, that didn't make it an easy thing to do. He breathed a weary sigh with the realization, it would come...one day.

Muse: Luka Kovac
Fandom: ER
Words: 849

Night Out Pt 1/? 052 Movie/100 situations

"I can't believe you talked me into seeing that." Luka held the door open for Abby as they made their way out of the theatre following the movie's end.

"What do you mean I talked you into it?" She nudged him with her elbow as she slipped passed, then stopped once she was on the sidewalk to wait for him. "You said you wanted to see a movie, you didn't say what kind."

"Very funny," He extended his hand to her as he neared her.  "Do you know where you want to go for dinner?"

"I'll leave it up to you, since you let me choose the movie." Abby laced her fingers with his then smiled before looking up at him as he pulled her to him. "It wasn't that bad was it?"

"No, it wasn't that bad." He smiled down at her.  "Do you want to call and check on Joe before we go to the restaurant?"

"You're worried about him?" Abby's face took on a more serious expression with the question.

"Not really worried, I just..." He raised a hand and brushed his bangs off his forehead. "I don't know, I just feel like we should make sure that everything is okay, you know, maybe it's the over-protective father in me."

"Luka, Ames is gone, you don't have to worry about Joe being safe." Releasing his hand Abby slid her arms around his waist as she offered the words of comfort. "But, if you still want to call and check on him we can." Somehow she managed to smile, hoping he would find some reassurance in it.

"No, you're right, he'll be fine with Louise, and she has both of our cell numbers if she needs to reach us." He managed to find a small smile of his own for her. "So, where were we going to go eat?"

To be continued...

 

 

20 A: What is the most romantic thing you have ever done?/Talking Muses

I'm sure many people won't understand this, some may even think of it as old fashioned, but the most romantic thing I have ever done, was really something that both Danijela and I did together.  Danijela and I were married young, she was 18 and I was 20, we had known each other for almost two years, and from the moment I saw her I knew she was the woman I would marry.

Both Danijela and I were raised as Catholics, though she was far more strict in the practice of her faith than I was.  Where I would go to Mass twice a week, it was not unusual for her to attend daily morning Mass. Initially I think it was because of our faith that we made the decision to abstain from sex until our wedding night, but looking back on it now, I see it as more than that.

I think back now on all of that time we had together before we were married, and all of the opportunities we had to break that vow we had made to each other, but, we both knew it wouldn't happen.  I do think that part of it was because we felt that it was a sin in the eyes of God. I also think that we both felt that this was a gift we could give to each other only once, and the idea of taking away the value of it was just something neither of us wanted to do.

Our wedding night is one that will always hold a special place in my heart, a memory that shares space alongside those of the births of all of my children, those few birthdays that we shared together, and those of their deaths.

The memory of Danijela on that night is one I will always cherish, from the sight of her in her wedding dress, to our shared nervousness as we consummated our vows.  I can think of nothing more romantic than that.

Muse: Luka Kovac
Fandom: ER
Words: 331

Sin/Realm of the Muse

Forgive me Father for I have sinned...

As I look at my life now, look at what I know is yet to come, I can't help but replay all of the mistakes I made in between losing my first family and gaining my second.  I think of all of the years I wasted in self pity, in guilt, in hatred, and blame of others.  I think about the years when I retreated inside myself, the years when I refused to allow myself to open up to anyone and even worse when I refused to let anyone close to me. I think of the years that I turned my back on my faith, and the depths to which I sunk before I found it again. 

It was during those years when I turned to self abuse as a way of punishing myself.  Whether it was through the excess of alcohol or in meaningless sex, I took everything that I had held so dear and destroyed it. It was during that time too that in the act of punishing myself that I began punishing others. Whether through mistakes I made because my mind was somewhere other then on my work, or through those who were harmed as my indiscretions crossed over into the sanctity of someone else's marriage. 

I don't know that I can ever fully atone for all of the sins I committed during those years, I know I can't undo the damage I did or give back the lives I took. All I can do is vow to live my life as I once did, to accept responsibility now for my actions as they happen, to respect my training, and to honor my family, and my faith and hope that is enough.

 

Fragile/Theatrical Muse

You don't realize how fragile a child is until you hold their lifeless body in your arms.

As my son Joe grows I find it hard not to make comparisons between he and Marko, my first baby boy. Marko, who would be almost a man now if his life hadn't been taken so brutally on that crisp fall day.  Marko was fearless, still unsteady on his feet, he was always on the move, from the moment he woke until he was too tired to keep his eyes open, there was always something to keep him busy.

I used to watch him as he ran through the apartment with the protectiveness of a father's eye.  At first I'd worry when he tripped and fell, but that soon faded away as time and time again he would shake it off, usually with a giggle before climbing to his feet, ready to take on his world all over again.

I wonder sometimes what all he might have achieved had his life not ended so young, what mountains he would have climbed?  Would he have been a doctor like me? Would he have chose to marry young like his mother and I, would he be thinking of starting his own family?

I never got a chance to ask Marko what he wanted to be when he grew up, only 18 months old when he died,  he had few words to express himself.  My daughter Jasna was different, at five she wanted the world, but her dreams ended that day as well.  The only blessing that came on that day, if you could call it that, is that neither child made that final journey alone, their Mama was with them and as hard as it was to lose them all, it would have been worse to think of them alone.

Muse: Luka Kovac
Fandom: ER
Words: 304

Prompt 1B: Coffee Shop/Canon Muses

I was a moonlighter when I first started working at County, you list with an agency and they would call you in when they were short a doctor. I had no reason to think that it would lead to anything permanent, or to even think that anyone would know me as anyone other than that. The day that they had all the mass casualties come in from the truck that had crashed through the coffee shop window changed things though.

I remember walking toward the hospital and seeing this little girl sitting all alone in the back of one of the ambulances, her arm was in a splint, she couldn't have been much older then my Jasna had been. I asked her if she wanted to come out so I could look after her, but, I guess she was too frightened, I ended up going in and talking to her, then eventually taking her in the hospital. Her mother had been badly injured and Dr. Weaver didn't think Michelle should see her, I felt differently, she needed to know that her mother would be okay, so I took her in, even though they had told me not to. I explained to her about the tubes, about the medicines her mother was being given, I wanted her to see the doctors were doing everything we could for her.

Later Carol, one of the nurses, asked me about it, it was the first time that any of the staff had really talked to me. I think she wanted to understand why I went against what I was told, but that wasn't all we talked about. As a moonlighter people really don't get a chance to see you for your skill, they don't get a chance to understand how you got to where you are. Usually you're doing simple things, things that any resident could do, in time if you're lucky you'll earn their trust, more often you'll just move on. I was lucky, not that day, but later I was hired on full-time, and now I'm Chief of Staff, had you told me it would happen then I would never have believed it.

02 General Bonus:Inevitable/10 ER Fics

Title: Missing Pt. 5
Character/Pairing: Luka and Josip "Joe" Kovac, Abby Lockhart
Prompt: 02 General Bonus: Inevitable
Find Chart to earlier Chapters here: http://dr-luka-kovac.livejournal.com/26744.html
(Pt 1/Nightmare, Pt 2/Memories, Pt 3/Tangled, Pt 4/Questions)
Word Count: 443
Rating: PG
Warnings/Spoilers: Spoilers to Season 13
Summary: Could Luka's greatest fear have come true?
Disclaimer: Neither Goran Visnjic's image nor the character of Luka Kovac of ER belong to me. No copy-write infringement is intended by their use, they are being borrowed here strictly for entertainment purposes

There was no escaping it now, it was inevitable, the thing he had most feared most was coming true.  As he walked away from Louise's apartment door the full weight of the realization crashed down upon him. It was his own fault, all of his mistakes, his excesses had to have led to this.  As he reached their apartment door he stopped, knowing even as he looked inside that he couldn't enter, there was too much of them inside, too many things of Abby's of Joe's.  Without thought he let the blanket slip from his fingers and pool in the doorway, he couldn't stay here.

Luka turned away from the apartment in a daze, unable to even muster anger at Ames for what he was sure the man had done.  He couldn't start over again, if they were gone, if somehow the man how thought to punish him by stripping his family from him the way he believed his own had been taken. He found himself on the sidewalk without even realizing how he had gotten there. 

Where would he go?  What would he do?  What would it matter? His life was over, without Abby, without Joe...it had taken everything he had in him to start over after he'd lost Danijela, Jasna and Marko, there wasn't anything left to do it again.  He was drained, empty, unable to even find tears to grieve for the loss of them now.

"Luka!" The sound of Abby's voice crept into the blackness and without daring to hope he found himself looking for the source.

"Luka, what are you doing?" Abby came down the sidewalk toward him, balancing Joe on one hip as she waved with her free hand.

"Abby." Her name was little morethan a whisper on his lips, as fear kept him rooted to the spot where he stood.  What if she wasn't really there?  What if he was only imagining them?

"Luka, come take Joe." As Abby called to him again the spell seemed to break and swallowing his fear he forced his feet to move.

"Abby?" The fear lingered in his voice and as he reached them he couldn't help but wrap his arms around them, pulling the two of them close, thus assuring himself that they were real.

"I was afraid Ames had you, the blood..." Abby silenced him with a kiss.

"Luka, Shhh, I'm sorry, I should have called you, I cut myself, the closest thing was Joe's blanket, I didn't think, Luka, I'm so sorry."  It was Abby's turn to hold him as relief washed over him, they were home, they were safe, and nothing else mattered.

The End