Luka Kovac/01. General: Rain/10 ER Fics

Title: Rain
Character/Pairing: Luka Kovac
Prompt: O1. General: Rain
Word Count: 388
Rating: PG
Warnings/Spoilers: Spoilers to "The Lost"
Summary: Having fled from the Mai Mai, Luka questions his decision to remain behind at Matenda.
Disclaimer: Neither Goran Visnjic's image nor the character of Luka Kovac of ER belong to me. No copy-write infringement is intended by their use, they are being borrowed here strictly for entertainment purposes.

What had he gotten them into? Hunched into himself with the rain soaking him to the skin, Luka couldn't help but begin to question the choices that had led him to this place, led them to this place.  Why hadn't he gone back to Kisangani with Carter and the others?  Why hadn't he allowed them to take these patients when they had taken all of the others?  The questions were ones he had no answers for and ones he knew would haunt him as so many other things in his past haunted him.  If only he could stop the shivering.

Lifting his head from his knees he looked around at those who had put their trust in him, how was he going to answer when asked what gave him the right to put so many at risk? The shirt that Patrique was trying to shield them with had long ago stopped offering any protection from the rain and if anything only made things worse. He was so cold, and the rain showed no signs of letting up anytime soon.

He dropped his head to his knees again before hugging them tightly in hopes of willing the shivering to stop. What was going to happen to them?  Without access to medical treatment what hope did his patients have now?  What had he done?

"Dr. Luka, let me give you the quinine." Patrique couldn't help but try again despite the multiple refusals he'd already received.

"No, I told you, save it for the boy." Luka lifted his head only long enough to do just that.

"Will you at least try to rest then?" Patrique's concern over the doctor's worsening condition was impossible for him to conceal.

"I'll try." As he made the concession, Patrique spread the shirt he'd been shielding them with on the ground next to Luka, offering him somewhere other then the mud to lay his head as he coaxed him to lie down.

He should be thinking of a way to get them all tosafety, but he was so tired, maybe Patrique was right, if he rested for just a little while. Curling onto his side he tucked his hands between his knees and closed his eyes, maybe he would see things clearer after he had slept, maybe... The thought was lost as sleep claimed him.

Luka Kovac ER 05.Emotion in 10 Hurt Comfort

Title: Of Those Left Behind
Author: JD
Fandom: ER
Rating: PG
Character: Luka Kovac
Words: 601
Summary: Luka faces the prospect of life alone and receives support from one of his teachers.
Warnings: Deals with potentially sensitive subject matter related to the War of Independence.
Notes:  Visit my Chart at: http://dr-luka-kovac.livejournal.com/24138.html

"Luka, you need to eat something." Even as he made the request the older doctor knew he was fighting a losing battle with his resident.  Barely a week had passed since the young man had buried his wife and two small children, a week since he had lost his home, and what he saw as his life.

"I'm not hungry." Luka gave the plate that had been placed in front of him little more than  a glance before pushing it away in refusal, the very thought of eating enough to turn his stomach.

"What exactly are you hoping to prove by not eating?" Catching a nearby stool with his foot the doctor pulled it over, then lowered himself onto it so that he could talk more privately with the man in front of him.

"Look at me when I'm talking to you, Luka." He waited for the young doctor's eyes to reach his before continuing.

"What do you think you're going to accomplish by not eating, I want to know?" Ante Srna locked his eyes on his student as he waited for his answer.

"I don't know, nothing, why does it have to mean anything?" Truth was he didn't know, the grief that had been been feeding on him since the funerals had left him incapable of thinking of anything beyond it.

"Why can't you just leave me alone." Luka raised a hand to wave the man off, hoping that the gesture alone might be enough to put an end to the conversation.  Why couldn't they just let him go to work, let him lose himself in the the chaos of the hospital?

"Because I care about you, Luka, and I'm worried about you." He took in the younger doctor's appearance with a worried shake of his head.

"You're not eating, you're not sleeping, I can't know that you're not going to make mistakes that could cost someone their life." 

"I need to be working." Anything to keep him from thinking about his family he wanted tosay, but didn't.

"Until you eat and get at least eight hours of sleep that I can verify I am not going to let you touch any patients, I'm sorry, I can't take that risk." He shook his head, it was his turn to stop the words before they came.

"Eight hours and you eat something."  Ante Srna pushed the plate of food back over toward his resident before standing and placing his hand on the man's shoulder

"Luka, you'll get through this, I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you will." He gave his shoulder a squeeze before releasing him.

As much as he wanted to believe the man it was still too soon and Luka found himself unable to agree, but rather then argue he remained silent. He knew he was retreating farther into his thoughts to avoid allowing the emotions to fully surface, but he had no choice, if he released them now he was sure he would never gain control of them again.

"I need to go see some patients, if you want to talk just page me."  As much as he hated leaving, the older doctor knew he too had no choice, life had to go on, his resident's losses were no different then any of the hundred other people's they might see on any given day. 

"I'll check in on you later." He gave Luka a sad smile and turned away from him, grabbing a chart as he did. As much as he hated to say it, the young man would learn to live with his grief because he had to, his life would go on, whether he saw it now or not.

 

03 Children/10 ER Fics

Sacrifices

"Tata, I'm hungry." The young girl draped herself across the desk her father was working on as she made the proclamation.

"Jasna, you know it's not time to eat yet, when dinner is ready Mama will tell you." Luka look up from the book he was reading as he answered her.

"But I'm hungry now..." Her request began to drift more toward a whine as she persisted.

"Jasna, you heard Tata, why don't you come help me fix dinner." Danijela's voice drifted across the small apartment from the kitchen where she was cutting vegetables for the evening meal as Marko sat in his highchair near her gnawing on a carrot.

"I don't want to help, I'm hungry NOW." Without thinking of the consequences the small girl stomped her foot to accentuate her demand causing her father to finally turn her full attention to her.

"That'll be enough of that, you're not starving, you can wait until Mama is done, now, go help or find something else to do until it's ready." He let his gaze lock on his daughter's as he spoke.

"I am too starving..." Her lip trembled as she attempted to push the issue, knowing even as she did that she was walking a very fine line.

"Come here Beba," Shifting in his chair, Luka motioned his daughter to him before pulling her onto his lap, what had she eaten for breakfast, for lunch? The questions moved quickly through his thoughts, he knew that rations had been tight but were things so bad that she would really be hungry enough to feel she were starving? The questions were ones he was almost afraid to know the answers to.

"Jasna, tell me the truth, are you really that hungry or are you just bored?" He brushed the dark curls off of her face as he questioned her, searching her face for the signs of hunger that he might have missed.

With her father's full attention now on her the five year old found it more difficult to exaggerate her condition and instead of immediately answering she released a long sigh.

"We only had bread for lunch, Tata, that was a long time ago." She leaned back against his chest, welcoming the time alone with him despite how it had come to be.

"I know, Jasna, I'm sorry, I wish there could have been more, but sometimes the market doesn't have very much to buy so we have to make what we have last longer, do you understand?" Even as he tried to make her see why things were the way they were, he hated having to do it, hated having to tell his five year old that she had to go hungry because there wasn't enough food.

"I understand, but I'm still hungry, Tata." As much as she wanted to be strong for him it was just too hard and as she finished the tears began to fall, leaving her father little to do except pull her into his arms as she cried her frustration out.

"It's all right, Beba, it's all right, I know you're trying..." How long would they have to keep doing this? The question was one he couldn't help asking himself as he held her, no more then he could stop blaming himself for them being here to begin with. Why hadn't they left when they'd had the chance? The questions were ones he knew he would continue to ask of himself until this was over and even after, and ones which he would most likely never have answers to. This was the path that had been chosen for them, these were the sacrifices they were being asked to make, this was God's plan for them, only time would tell where it might lead them.

March Prompt D: Jars of Clay lyrics /ineffablefandom

"I'm waiting for the world to fall
I'm waiting for the scene to change
I'm waiting when the colors come
I'm waiting to let my world come undone" -- Jars of Clay

Ever since my encounter with Curtis Ames I've been left with a sense of foreboding, a feeling that somehow that was only the beginning of something far worse. I can't talk about this with anyone, I know what they would say, I've been through it all before.

If I go back and let myself remember how things were before the war, it's easy to get lost within so many competing emotions. I think back on how happy we were, but then I remember too those times I try and tell myself never happened. The times after the war had begun, the ones I want to forget because they spoil that perfect picture. I don't want to think about the arguments that Danijela and I had over her taking the children and leaving the City. I don't want to think about the nights when she cried herself to sleep over what we were putting our children through after we ended up staying. I don't want to see the terror on my babies faces, or hear their screams when shells came too close to the apartment. I don't want to see their bruised and bloodied bodies on that final day.

As the years have passed I've found it easier to be more selective with my memories. I no longer find the darker days haunting my every thought, or invading my sleep through nightmares so real that I often forgot where I was. There was a time when I would never have thought it possible to go an hour let alone a day or even a week without finding myself swallowed by the guilt, or the grief, but that's what has happened. Even more of a surprise though was that I somehow moved on without my realizing it had happened.

When I first came to the United States, I was running away. Croatia held too many memories I needed to escape from and I somehow thought that the farther away I was from there the easier it would be for me to forget. I was wrong of course, but, I couldn't know that then. When I first got here I found myself still running, after getting my license I moved from hospital to hospital, never staying anywhere long enough for anyone to get close, it was too great a risk, not for them, for me. If I let people close it would mean talking about what I had lost, what Ihad left behind, what I wanted from life, and I couldn't answer that, so I ran. Until I found County.

I'll never know why this place was different, and I know, it's had it's ups and downs, maybe that's why I'm so wary now. What Abby and I have now, what we're building between us, and for Joe, it's so close to what I had with Danijela that it scares me. I'm afraid that the sins of my past will come back to haunt me again and God will decide that I don't deserve to have any of this. I'm afraid that he'll take Abby and Joe away from me the way he took Danijela and my children away from me all those years ago and it scares me...

What do you strive for most in your life?/Canon Muses

When I was younger I thought I knew what I wanted from life, a wife, a family, a career.  When I met Danijela and we immediately fell in love I was sure that our life would be the one we'd always dreamed of, the one our parents had told us we would one day find.  For over four years everything seemed perfect, we were in love, we had two beautiful children, I was on my way to getting my medical degree, how could we possibly know that it would all be ripped away from us?  I don't know that either of us realized what the war would do to us, I know we never dreamed it would steal our future, let alone our lives, but it did.

 

When Danijela and my children died I felt like my life had ended with theirs. I stopped making plans for the future and simply went through the motions of living.  I remember blaming myself, questioning every move I'd made that day and wanting nothing more than for death to find me so I could be with them again.

 

It took me years to get past those feelings and it meant leaving my homeland, but eventually it happened.  It took longer for me to realize that I could love again. But, it wasn't just about loving, I wanted a normal life again, a wife, a child, stability.  Maybe that's what we all strive for, I don't know, but I never saw it until I'd lost it and found it again.

 

Abby and I are talking marriage now, we're talking about giving our son Joe the security of knowing both of his parents will be there for him as he grows up, and as he graduates. For the first time since Danijela and my children were alive I can honestly say I'm happy and I didn't think that would ever be possible.

Croatian Archway Prompt/Artistic License

Title: Stolen Kiss

 Challenge written for this picture...

Danijela's laugh was light as it drifted up through the narrow walkway and as Luka followed it to the arches he found his own joining it.

"What do you think you're doing?" Stepping over the sill he took a seat on the stone arch before extending his hands to the dark-haired girl who waited in the grass on the other side.

"Nothing." Shaking her head she walked over to take his hands in hers before allowing him to pull her close. "What do you think you're doing?"

"I was thinking I might kiss you for starters." A smile spread across his face as he revealed his intentions.

"Oh you did, did you? What if I won't let you?" Her own smile broadened in response as she moved closer to him.

"I think you will, now, come here" Pulling her onto his lap with a soft laugh Luka released her hands so he could slide his arms around Danijela's waist. "Have I told you how beautiful you are lately?"

"You think that's going to help?" The young woman blushed under his scrutiny. "My parents are going to be wondering where I am."

"Which is why you should let me kiss you." His smile deepened as did her blush. "I'm not letting you go until you do."

"That's not fair, Luka Kovac and you know it." Even with her protest her smile joined his. "All right, one kiss, and then we have to go." With the permission given the young couple gave in to the intimacy of the kiss, sharing the moment as had others before them within the shadows of the ancient archway.

Party/Theatrical Muse Challenge

When most people think of parties they think of happy times, balloons, candles and cake. I suppose I could talk about things like that when in truth the two parties that come to mind for me both bring thoughts of sadness.

The first is the one that would prove to be the last for my daughter, Jasna, the one that would leave me with the only physical reminder of a family taken too soon.  It was her 4th birthday, and somehow we were able to return to Zagreb to celebrate it with our parents, our siblings, with aunts and uncles, cousins. 

I don't remember when I had last laughed so much as I did that day and I know I didn't realize how much I missed having family so close.  It wasn't like we had a choice though, Vukovar was where we needed to be for my classes, and it wasn't like we were going to be gone for that long, or so we believed.  I can't remember who took the picture of Danijela and Jasna that day, a small black and white that would freeze both in time. I only know that without it I would have nothing to remember them with but my memories.

The second party would come years later and half a world away.  This one wasn't a true party in the sense that Jasna's was, it was held at the hospital in Chicago where I was working, a celebration of Valentines Day.  I remember it wasn't really busy and when Mark handed the board off to me I didn't really think there was anything wrong with letting the staff enjoy themselves. 

I've replayed that day's events over and over in my mind since then and I can't think of anything that happened that could have warned me of what was to come, or of anything I could have done to prevent it. Even knowing that, it doesn't change the fact that while we were having a good time two other staff members were being stabbed by a schizophrenic patient.  We found them too late to save one of them, Lucy a med student died, Carter, one of the residents battled back from his injuries for months.  I can't help but wonder if we could have prevented the attacks, saved Lucy's life if only we hadn't had that party, but I guess we'll never know.