Goran Visnjic/JD's Lukacentric fanfiction

State of the Mun 2

2011-05-30T22:38:00.000-07:00

While I am still here, sadly my writing is still dormant. I continue to deal with a large number of health issues and unfortunately the distractions of those have left me unable to climb back into the head of Luka and the other muses who inhabit this journal. Please bear with me, I'm sure there will come a time when all speak to me again.

Take care, and thank you for your understanding.

JD

State of the Mun

2010-12-01T19:27:00.001-08:00

My apologies for the inactivity on my blog, this year has not been kind to me healthwise I'm afraid. I began the year with gall bladder surgery followed a week later by a fall that resulted in a spiral compound fracture of my right arm, a week in the hospital, and a titanium rod from shoulder to elbow. Over the next three months I worked my way up to three days a week of physical therapy. Now, 10 months later I still battle, weakness, pain, and swelling from the break as I continue to regain the arm strength. As if that wasn't enough, continued stomach issues revealed that I suffer from an ulcer and gastroparesis, a partial paralysis of my stomach muscles. I was placed on meds for both, but, the ulcer is not healing as it should and if that doesn't change, I may have to undergo a partial removal of my stomach to remove it. What this all has meannt is that my writing has been placed on the back burner. With luck, and a positive medical outcome, I'll be back writing again after the first of the year.

Thank you for your patience, and for following my blog.
JD

117.2.B: "For some moments in life there are no words." David Seltzer,Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory ?Writers Muses

2010-01-02T21:49:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, there are no words

"Happy Anniversary." It had been dark as Luka entered the house and as he climbed the stairs to the bedroom he knew he would find his wife still sleeping. Even at his age he hadn't been able to give up the occasional night-shift and so it was that he'd decided to surprise Abby with coffee and a paper, much as he had when they'd dated in the first year of their relationship. He squatted next to the bed to fan the aroma of the coffee toward her as he whispered the greeting to her, then leaned close to place a kiss on her cheek.

"It's not even morning yet." Abby grumbled in protest at first, but with the kiss she opened her eyes and reached her hand out to her husband.

"Sure it is, I brought coffee and everything, want me to turn the light on?" As Abby came fully awake Luka rose to take a seat on the bed beside her.

"No, no lights, not yet anyway. I will take some of that coffee you have though." Sitting up, she accepted the cup as he offered it.

"I thought I broke you of this years ago." While her voice held a mock harshness to it, the underlying tone was one of gentle teasing and it prompted the couple to laugh before they exchanged kisses.

"I thought maybe this being a special occasion, you'd forgive me. No?" Luka's eyebrow raised slightly as he sought her forgiveness.

"Well, I suppose, being it is our anniversary, I could let it go." It was her turn to initiate the kiss, and as she touched his cheek with her fingertips, she coaxed him closer to do so.

"Twenty years, Luka. Did you ever think we would make it twenty years?" The question was an honest one for her, and she watched his face closely as she waited for his response.

"I never doubted it, especially after we decided we were ready to devote ourselves to it fully. I always intended to, and I still do intend to spend the rest of my life with you. I love you, Abby, with all my heart, and I can't imagine not being with you." Setting his own coffee aside, Luka adjusted his position on the bed so that Abby could move into his arms as he spoke.

"I don't ever want to be without you either. I want us to become grandparents together, and maybe even great-grandparents, and who knows, maybe one day we can even celebrate our fiftieth wedding anniversary together." Abby lay her head against Luka's chest as she voiced her hopes for their future, then found herself going quiet as she listened to the beat of his heart under her ear.

"Abby, I spent all night thinking about what I wanted to say to you about how I feel, about all you mean to me, and now, now that the time is here, it's like my words are gone. All I can do is hold you and hope you feel what I feel, that you sense what I can't find the words to say, because I love just seems so small for what we have." As he spoke tears rose in the Croat's eyes, and the emotion of the moment threatened to overwhelm him.

"I understand, Luka, I do, and I feel the same way. We belong together, I think we always have, despite those early ups and downs. You're part of me, just like I'm part of you, and I love you more than I love life itself. Thank you for being my husband, for being the father of my son, and most importantly, thank you, Luka, for not giving up on me when things got rough." Abby rose up on her arm to initiate a longer, deeper kiss with her husband before she again lay her head on his chest.

"You should sleep for a while, I know you've had a long night." Her words grew quieter as she gave him permission to let the conversation drop, and when instead of replying, she felt his fingers begin the slow stroking of her hair, she simply smiled.

"Lay down, Luka, let me take care of you." She continued the gentle coaxing until he had stretched out alongside her and as their positions reversed she drew his head to her chest, stroking his hair as he had only moments before done to her.

"Sleep now, I'll be here when you wake." Brushing her hand over his eyes she kissed each eyelid in turn before returning to the rhythmic stroking of his hair.

"I love you, Luka, and I always will."

"I love you too, Abby." Luka's words came with the drowsy slur of one being sucked into sleep, but Abby knew they were not casually given. They came with his heart, with his soul, and all that he was, and it was for that reason that they meant so much, that he meant so much. After so many years, she finally could believe in forever, and she owed that gift to him.

Prompt 312: Rerun/ 209: What are you afraid of? / Theatrical Muse

2010-01-02T01:16:00.000-08:00

As he stood waiting outside of County General for Abby's last shift to end, and their new life to begin, Luka found a shiver of fear run down his spine. What if all of the work they had put into the last couple of months were in vain. What if the move to Boston were nothing more than his way to once again run away like he had done all those years ago? No. As he glanced back to his son as the toddler sat in his car-seat, Luka tried to banish the thought from his mind. The decision was not his alone. It was not one that had been made in haste. This was the only way that they could truly put all that had happened behind them. They were sure of it, he was sure of it. Chicago held too many mistakes, too many wrongs that there would never be any rights for, Boston was their future. Joe's sudden bouncing in his seat forced the last of worries from his mind and when he turned to see what had caught his interest he couldn't help but smile himself. Abby, he should have known, he should have felt her, the way he'd once felt Danijela's presence when she was close. Would that time ever come for them? Would the time come when he felt that she was his other half?

Slightly more than two months earlier...

He wasn't sure what had prompted him to ring the doorbell rather than to use his key, but, as he listened to the sound of the buzzer announce his return home, he couldn't help but wonder how the choice would be seen.

"Joe, come see who's at the door." Luka heard Abby's voice before the door opened and a second later the squeal of their son as he launched himself into his father's legs before reaching upward.

"Tata!" The toddler's delight in having his father back was clear to both of his parents and as soon as he was picked up, and had received the expected kisses in greeting he lay his head on the man's shoulder, content to stay where he was.

"I've missed you." He looked past the boy to his wife as he spoke, "and you too."

"We've missed you too, Luka." Abby's voice held a hesitancy to it that was unusual for her, but, not wanting to spoil the mood, he tried to ignore it.

"My bag's in the hall, I should get it." He shifted his son's weight slightly to his hip before ducking out of view to reach for his suitcase.

"Can I get you anything to drink?" Even as she asked, Abby realized how awkward things felt between them, it was almost as if they were starting over again, and maybe they were.

"Coffee, if you have some on would be wonderful." Luka gave her a small smile before leaning close to whisper in Joe's ear.

"How about you be a big boy and get down now." Where his first request received only a tightening of the hold around his neck, after gentle coaxing and the addition of an additional option, he was able to lower Joe to the ground.

"Good boy, now, go find your airplane and we can play with it while Mama and I talk." As Joe ran from the room, Luka closed the door and carried his bag to the bottom of the bedroom stairs before setting it back down.

"This isn't going to be easy is it?" His question was a simple one, the answer less so.

"I don't think so." Abby's voice remained quiet. "Luka, I'm sorry, I never wanted it to be like this."

"Shhh, we're not going to go there, remember?" Approaching her, Luka slid his arms around her before pulling her to him.

"But," Raising his finger to her lips, he silenced her again.

"No buts, what's done is done, we can't change that, we can fix things between us though, and that's all that matters isn't it?" His eyes help a hope that she hadn't seen present in them for quite some time.

"I'd like that, to fix things between us I mean." Abby reached behind her back to take his hands so she could squeeze them.

"You know this won't be easy." His voice wavered slightly.

"I know, but, I'm not going to give up on us. I won't give up on us." As she spoke Abby's voice seemed to grow in strength as she found her inner commitment to what they had between them growing.

"Do we start at the beginning? Do we do things the way we should have done them all along?" Abby had just begun to answer when the sound of toys being pulled from the toybox ceased and Joe's voice broke from the other room.

"Tata, got, airpain!" A few more toys landed on the floor before he rounded the corner with the plastic plane in one hand and the people who fit inside in the other. "Play, now."

"Good for you, Joe, you go sit at the table by the couch and put the people in, and Tata will be right there." Turning his attention back to his wife, Luka smiled, "I'm sorry."

"That's okay, we can talk later, I know he's missed you." She released his hands so she could slide her arms around him.

"Tata, play airpain." Joe raised the plane in the air as he grew impatient with the amount of time it was taking for Luka and Abby to finish.

"Go," Abby rose up on her toes to kiss Luka. "Go to Joe now, you've already lost too much time with him, we've got plenty of time to talk."

It took several days before Luka and Abby started feeling like things were returning to normal between them, well, normal might not exactly be the way to describe it, but, at least it wasn't as if they were strangers. From the earliest stages of their relationship both of them had kept secrets from the other, whether they were of their pasts, their feelings, their hopes, or their fears, there had always been those things which one or the other felt they'd been unable to share, but not this time. This time, they were determined they would have no secrets between them, this time they would build their relationship on honesty and trust. They would talk about everything, not just about what they'd been through together, but their pasts, their childhoods, those they loved, those who had been important to them, who had guided them, or misled them, their family and their friends. They would talk about their dreams, and their fears, their career plans, Joe's future, and most importantly the life they hoped was yet to come.

As they talked and the weeks became a month, they inevitably realized that changes would need to be made in their current lives as well if they truly wanted their marriage, and their lives together to succeed. As much as they loved Chicago, as many friends as they might have, the City held too many negative memories, and if they were serious about letting all of those past mistakes go, then so too would they have to say good-bye to the city they had both grown to love. Whatever fears they might have about beginning again somewhere else were nothing in comparison to the fear that they might fail at this reconciliation, and so, the resumes were compiled, and job applications were soon being mailed out.

When the job offers began to come back, it wasn't difficult for them to decide that Boston seemed the perfect fit for them. It's similarity to Chicago allowing them to keep the best of what they had loved, while at the same time giving them the fresh start they knew they needed. When they went looking for their first house it was with the intention of being there for years, not months, and they found themselves looking not just at the houses themselves, but the neighborhood, and the schools, knowing that in less than two years Joe would be attending them.

Were they out of danger with their relationship? Neither of them were willing to go so far as to say that was the case, but, they were healing, and they were finding their way back to trusting each other again. The love of course was there and growing in strength with each passing day. While it may have been lost during the worst of times, or more accurately hidden by all of the other problems that they'd been facing they should have known it had always been with them, a glue that connected them, even if they couldn't feel it.

The present...

Luka smiled as he watched Abby say her final good-byes. Boston was to be their new beginning and he was ready for it, that was why he hadn't gone inside the hospital to pick her up. Chicago was behind him now, all that had happened already being filed away into the neat little boxes he'd used to protect himself in the past. This time though, there was a difference, this time he wasn't running away from anyone, this time he wasn't aimlessly wandering, this time he was going to something, with someone he loved, and with plans for a future yet to come.

Note: This was the result of an anonymous request for me to write a piece on what might have taken place between "The Chicago Way", anf "The Book of Abby", I hope it's all they expected.

Prompt 316: What were you doing ten years ago?/ Theatrical Muse

2010-01-01T13:48:00.001-08:00

It was late, Joe had been in bed for hours and while Abby hadn't been there long, he suspected she was probably asleep as well, so, why wasn't he? The had only been back from Croatia for a few days and already he was finding himself missing it, and the feeling was bringing up ones he hadn't thought about in years. When had he last felt like this?

Chicago, that was it. Almost ten years earlier, his life had been one of instability then, one of constant motion, and while he might have told himself he was happy with the choices he was making at the time, looking back on things now, he could see that he hadn't been.

He was living on his boat when he first started working at County, the work he was doing nothing more than a call to fill in on a shift here, or a shift there at whatever hospital needed him. He'd tried to pretend it didn't bother him that when he was at County only Carol made any attempt to see him as more than the temporary he was, but, in truth he would have liked to have been seen as more.

Life wasn't easy for him then, he knew no one, he still struggled with the language, and even the very medicine that he was dedicating his life to, was still new to him. Chicago turned out to be the place where his life changed, the place where he finally stopped running from the ghosts of his past, the place where he discovered that his life ultimately held a future.

"Luka, are you coming to bed?" When Abby's quiet voice called to him from the stairs Luka downed the beer he held before turning to her.

"Yeah, go ahead and go on up, I'll be right there." While he wouldn't know it in those early years, Chicago would be the place where he would again discover he was capable of once more learning to love, and over time that he would again become a husband and father. Despite all of it's ups and downs, his decision to put down roots in Chicago had saved him, but, it was here, now, in Boston, that they would fully take root and flourish, of that he was sure. Setting the bottle on the table he rose, Abby was waiting.

Nothing haunts us like the things we don't say." - Mitch Albom, Have A Little Faith/Creative Muses

2009-12-26T19:24:00.000-08:00

"Luka, do you want to talk about it?" Niko glanced over to his brother, only to then lay his hand on his arm, as his face reflected his concern for his younger brother.

"Not yet, I still don't even know what I feel about things." As he spoke, he shifted Joe's weight, on his shoulder. How was he going to explain any of this to his son? First he disappears from the boy's life for close to six months and now, not only is his mother ripped from him, he's being taken to a Country where he barely understands, let alone speaks the language. The thought prompted him to place a kiss on the toddler's fair hair before his hand began to rub his back.

"Do you want me to leave you alone?" In the quiet of the airplane cabin, the Croat shifted to their native language without thought.

"Maybe, I don't know. I wanted Tata to see him so much, to see them both, to know I'd finally found happiness again, and now I don't even know if anything of what I thought I had exists anymore." His voice broke as he tried to explain that which he had yet to even attempt to try and make sense of.

"Give it time, you still have your son, and Abby, you can make it all good again. I know you, you have that way about you, you've always had it, even when things were at their worst." Niko's grip on his brother's arm tightened as he spoke.

"I don't know if I can do it again, Niko. It took so long for me to get here, now, to have it all fall apart." Nothing could have been done to the tears that started to slide down his cheeks as he confessed his greatest fear.

"You don't know that, that's what's going to happen, she's going for help, things can still be fixed." Niko struggled to find a way for his brother to find some shred of hope to grab hold of. Something that would keep him from sinking back into the depression that had held him hostage for so many years after the deaths of Danijela and the children.

"She could have killed Joe, I could had lost him like I lost Jasna and Marko." Luka's voice choked in his throat and for a moment he buried his face in his son's hair.

"But, she didn't, and you didn't, he's here, with you now, and you're not going to lose him, I promise you that." It was Niko's turn to cry as he thought about the effect just such a loss would have cost his brother, and he hurriedly wiped the tears away before Luka lifted his head again.

"How do I blame her when I'm no better then she is?" Luka's eyes held as yet unspoken pain as he asked the question of his elder brother.

"I don't understand?" Niko's expression shifted to confusion as he tried to make the jump with Luka.

"Before I went to the Congo, I did things far worse then anything she could have done. I almost killed a med student with my carelessness for God's sake, how can I say her drinking is worse than any of that?" As their conversation continued in whispered Croatian, Luka threaded his fingers idly through the fine locks of the small boy on his lap's hair.

"Luka, look at me. It's too soon for any of this to make sense, we need to take care of things with Tata, then, together, you and me, we'll talk it through. You don't have to do this alone. You're not alone anymore, you have to remember that, you're with family now." Without thinking Niko leaned over and kissed his brother's cheek. "After all these years, don't think you're getting rid of me again."

For the remainder of the flight Niko left Luka to his thoughts and it wasn't until they had landed in Zagreb and Joe had been bundled off to bed under Niko's wife Ivka's watchful eye that the two men again sat down to talk.

"Beer?" Niko nudged Luka out of his thoughts with the tap of the bottle to his shoulder.

"Hmm? Oh, thanks. Is Joe in bed?" Luka stared at the bottle as if he wasn't really sure what to do with it.

"Yeah, already asleep, if you're not careful, Ivka will have him spoiled as badly as Rajka and Maki are." Niko couldn't help but chuckle at the image his own words brought to his head.

"Luka, it's a joke, now, drink up, you'll feel better." Niko slapped him on the back as he took a seat on the patio beside him.

"Sure, get me drunk so I'll feel better about my wife falling off the wagon, good plan, Niko." The straight-faced delivery of the words cause the elder Kovac brother to choke on the swallow of beer he'd just taken and it took several moments of coughing before he had his breath back and was able to respond.

"I didn't mean... Luka, I didn't think." Niko sputtered his apology in vain before Luka waved his hand to free him of it.

"I don't want to talk about it, or think about it, not now anyway." Without thinking Luka took a drink of his beer.

"The house will be full tomorrow, are you ready for that?" The transition from Luka's problems to the events surrounding their father's funeral came naturally.

"No, not really. I know what'll come, whether they mean it to or not, and it won't be a day just about Tata and his memories. People will look at Joe, they compare him to Jasna or Marko, they say, can't you imagine how they would look now? Only I don't want to think about those things, I don't want to imagine all they things he will do that they never had a chance to." As anger rose in his voice he stood and heaved the bottle across the stone courtyard.

"Luka, stop, don't do this to yourself, not again." It was Niko's turn to get angry. "For once think of someone beside yourself, Joe needs you. You can't let this eat you alive, and I swear, if I have to stay on your back every minute of every day to see that it doesn't just for his benefit, that's exactly what, I'll do. Do you hear me, little brother?" Climbing to his feet, Niko moved to stand in front of the taller man when he failed to respond.

"I said, do you hear me?"

"Yes, I hear you." Luka released a sigh as resignation settled in, at least for tonight he was willing to give in, whether he could continue to do so would remain to be seen, whatever happened though, the next sixty days would be long ones.

Standing at the airport in Dubrovnik, waiting for Abby to arrive, Luka found his heart racing. Two months had passed and while they had spoken on the phone, they had limited the conversations to casual talk about Joe, the weather, and day to day activities. Some would say they were avoiding the inevitable, but, how could they say what needed to be said without seeing each other's faces, How could he not look into her eyes as she promised that this time things would be different. There'd been no promises, not yet anyway, those would come, or at least he hoped they would, but, he had told her that he said he could no longer live a life where honesty was not a part of all they did, could she accept that?

Today he would find out. Today he would find out if the life he dreamed of was real, or if once again it would crumble away in his hand like so much dust.

His face lit up as he saw the small brunette clear customs and as he stepped into view from behind the others awaiting arriving passengers her hesitant smile matched his. Today would be the end of the secrets between them. It had to be.
============================
Note: For those regular followers of the series ER, you will know that there was one secret that Abby had yet to reveal to Luka as this piece ends, one in fact that would very nearly cost them their marriage before we received our happy ending.

My thanks to the mun behind the_countmc on Live Journal for the idea behind this post, I hope they enjoy the end result.

December Prompt from October 003: Peaceful/Artistic License

2009-12-16T22:39:00.000-08:00

The decision to celebrate Christmas in Croatia with his brother Niko and his family was one that he and Abby had been considering for over six months. For Luka it would be a chance to reconnect with old friends and family without the weight that had hung over him when he'd been back the previous two times. For Abby, it would mean a chance to see the country, without having to hide behind the secrets and lies that had marred her first trip, and almost cost her both her husband and her marriage. Those days were behind them though, sobriety, honesty, and a life in a new city had assured them of that, and this, they had decided could bring final closure to the past that they both wanted to find.

Since the decision to go had been reached, calls between the two brothers had become an almost daily occurrence as one or the other found something that needed an immediate answer before they could go a step further.

"Luka, Niko's on the phone, again." Abby held the receiver in her outstretched hand as she waited for Luka to stick his head out of the bathroom.

"Did you ask him what he needs? I'm in the middle of shaving."

"No, I didn't ask, but, it's costing him money, so you had better hurry." Laying the phone down, the woman turned her attention to the toddler who was currently finishing a bowl of cereal at the table.

"You almost done, Joe, we need to get you cleaned up, you're going to daycare so Tata and I can get ready for the airplane tonight." As she spoke, she reached for the washcloth that lay on the sink before going to him.

"Going on the airplane?" Joe spoke around the bite of cereal in his month causing half the milk to run down his chin.

"Niko, how are you?" Luka cast a smile to his wife and son as he joined them in the kitchen before picking up the phone and slipping into Croatian to talk to his older brother. "Yes, the flight is at 8pm, we change planes in Frankfurt, and should be in early afternoon. No, I don't have the time, I sent you the itinerary, didn't you get it?" Rolling his eyes he glanced to where Abby was still dealing with their son.

"Abby, didn't I send Niko our flight information?" He slid back into English

"I thought you did, you can send it again can't you? Okay, Joe, that's enough, you're just playing now." Taking the spoon from the soon to be 4 year old she set it aside as so she could begin wiping his hands and face.

"Yes," Turning back to his call, Luka quickly reassured his brother that the itinerary would be resent, before ending the call. "He's a little bit excited, so is Ivka by the way, I hope you'll be okay with her wanting to spend time alone with you." As he hung the phone back up, Luka moved behind her so that he could wrap his arms around her.

"I think I'll survive, what about you? Niko isn't going to corrupt you by dragging you to the pub all day? She covered his hands with hers are she released Joe.

"How can you say that, he's my big brother?" Luka laughed as he answered her before nuzzling her neck.

"Um hmm, that's what I'm afraid of. Okay, turn me loose, we don't have time for that, and you still have to take Joe to daycare so we can finish packing and get everything ready before we have to go to the airport." Turning to face him, Abby gave him a quick kiss. "Now, get your son, we've got a busy day ahead of us."

The flight from Frankfurt to Zagreb seemed endless to Abby, and while both Luka and Joe had quickly been able to fall asleep, she'd instead found her mind too consumed by worry. It had been almost a year since Josip Kovac had passed, a year since she had told Luka of her indiscretion, and it would be the first time she would be facing his family since almost destroying him and their marriage. It was eating her up, how would they see her? She had no way of knowing what Luka had told them in the months since they'd returned to the States and he'd learned the truth of what she'd done while he had been caring for his dying father. Since they had moved to Boston, Abby no longer feared for their marriage, if anything the relationship she had with Luka was the strongest it had ever been, if they knew about her betrayal, would his family be as willing to forgive her? What would it mean to them knowing that it had taken place while Luka was not just nursing his dying father, but, missing six months of his young son's life?

As Luka shifted positions in his sleep, Abby turned to face him, then brushed his bangs out of his eyes gently. He'd had every right to take Joe and leave her, she'd been convinced his plan was to do just that when he'd initially moved out of the apartment in Chicago, but, he hadn't. When he had come to her and told her that wanted to give things another chance she'd at first been shocked, then grateful. He'd seen something in their relationship that she had still been too blind to see at the time, and he was willing to give her another chance.

Boston had saved them, she was convinced of that. The decision to leave Chicago had been the fresh start they'd needed, it had given them a chance to start over in all aspects of their lives. Boston had meant the end of any secrets or lies between them plus their marriage and relationship as a couple was stronger because of it. However, even knowing all of that, she was still left to worry about how his family would see her.

"Are you all right?" Luka's groggy question came as he opened his eyes to find Abby watching him.

"I don't know." Her words were honest, and she followed them with a small smile.

"Do you want to talk about it? Moving one hand to support Joe's weight as he changed position, Luka resettled himself in his seat.

"I'm just nervous about meeting everyone I think. I don't know how they're going to feel about me after what I did to you." Her gaze dropped to her hands as she revealed the truth of her fears.

"Abby, they are going to see you as my wife, as the mother of my son, and as the woman I love. Whatever happened in the past is over, you have to let it go, I know I have." Taking one of her hands he brought it to his lips and kissed it, a moment later the fasten seat belt warning sounded.

"I hope you're right." Abby smiled again, glad to let the subject drop as they began the task of waking Joe and getting ready to disembark, besides, why worry now, they'd find out soon enough.

As it turned out, Luka seemed to be right, if Niko and the others were holding any grudges, they certainly weren't showing it as they welcomed the family back to Croatia. After exchanging hugs and kisses all around at the airport, the party moved to two small awaiting cars and the journey back to the elder Kovac's house.

The days leading up to Christmas were busy ones for everyone, filled not just with last minute shopping, but often with a house full of Ivka's extended family as well as friends of both she and Niko. If Abby had expected the holiday to be a solemn one with days spent mourning the absence of the Kovac Patriarch, she couldn't have been more wrong, and laughter seemed a common ingredient in all of the day's activities.

"How are you doing?" Her thoughts were broken as Luka came up behind her and slid his arms around her waist, the smell of beer present on his breath.

"You've been drinking." She turning in his arms to face him, her voice only mildly chastising.

"Blame Niko, he's a bad influence." Luka smiled as he tried to deflect the blame.

"Right. Do I need to call a doctor for the twisted arm you got while he was forcing you to join him?" Her smile almost immediately matched his as she teased him.

"It's okay?" Luka found himself unable to hide his reaction to her response.

"Yes, it's okay. Luka, I don't expect you to give up drinking just because I'm an alcoholic." Stretching up on her toes, Abby gave him a kiss.

"All I ask is that you just try not to get falling down drunk if you can help it, I'm not ready to explain to Joe why his Tata is acting funny."

"I'll do my best." He returned her kiss before saying more. "Abby, are you going to be all right going to Christmas Eve Mass with us? I mean, I'd like you to be there, but, if you'd rather not, I'll understand." Luka's eyes remained hopeful even as his words seemed ready to accept defeat.

"I think I'd like to go with you and Joe, to honor your father's memory, and just be at your side. Is that reason enough?" It was Abby's turn to study her husband and when his smile broke, she couldn't help but return it.

I would like that very much, and I think it's a perfect reason." Luka kissed his wife again.

"Luka!" Niko's voice broke the moment as the elder Kovac called from the other room.

"Coming! I'd better go, I'll look for you later, maybe we can go for a walk , just the two of us?" He bussed a quick kiss on her lips before releasing her.

"I'd like that. Now, go see what your brother wants, I'll be fine."

If Abby had thought that Niko and Ivka's house had been full in the day's leading up to Christmas Eve, it began to overflow in the hours leading up to evening Mass. With each ring of the doorbell arrived yet another of either Ivka's or Niko and Luka's. In all of the time she'd known her husband, she'd just assumed he had little or no family outside of his father and brother, yet, here were all of these people embracing not just him, but, her and Joe as if they had always been a part of their lives. Why had he chosen to cut himself off from so much love for all of those years?

Joe's laughter brought Abby out of her own thoughts and she automatically began searching for him among the room of people. She'd just spotted him, giggling happily as he was held in the air by a silver haired man who looked to be in his seventies when she saw Luka approaching her.

"That's Stjepan, one of Tata's brothers, I'll introduce you later." He slid his arm around Abby's waist as he identified the elderly man for her.

"Luka, why didn't you ever tell me you had such a large family?" She moved in closer as her arm encircled him.

"I don't know. I think when I left, it was just easier to cut off contact with everyone. You know, pretend they weren't there?" His voice grew quieter as he spoke.

"I'm not sure I understand why you would want to do that." As the conversation grew more serious she leaned into him, offering unspoken support in case he found it difficult to go on.

"Losing Danijela and our children was like losing all of the good parts of myself. After I left the camp, I tried going back home, living with Tata, having family around."Luka drew a slow breath and forced himself to continue. "Everyone thought that the best way to help me was to keep reminding me of what I'd lost. I don't mean that they said it like that, but, they always want to retell stories of things that had happened with Danijela or the children. I finally couldn't take it anymore, I knew I had to let them go, I had to forget, and I couldn't do that when everyone had so many memories they wanted to share. That's one of the reasons Niko and I had our falling out, he didn't understand how hard it was for me. He thought my leaving would be like I'd died with them, and inflicting that on Tata was just selfishness on my part. The worst part of it all was that the Luka they all were remembering had died that day, I wasn't that man anymore and I wasn't sure I would ever be able to be him again." His voice broke as he finished and rather then saying anything more his eyes settled on Joe.

"Are you regretting our coming back here, doing this?" Abby's voice held a note of concern for him.

"I don't think so, I think it was time I came to terms with it for good, besides, this is Joe's family, they're yours too, it's not fair for me to deprive you of their love anymore than it is for me to deprive you of the chance to know them." The seriousness of their conversation was suddenly broken by Stjepan's laugh in response to something that Joe had said to him in Croatian.

"He's certainly holding his own with them, isn't he?" A slight note of pride surfaced as Luka drew Abby's attention to Joe and his great uncle.

"That's all because of you, and your decision to start teaching him Croatian from the day he was born. I wish I'd paid more attention." Abby's smile broadened as Stjepan knelt to listen to whatever the three year old trying to explain.

"Okay, everyone, time to find coats, Ivka says we have to leave in five minutes or we'll be late for Mass." It was Niko who made the announcement, and while she knew no one else likely needed it, Abby was grateful to see that he followed his Croatian one with another in English.

While the mood on the walk to the church was light and mixed with laughter, Abby couldn't help but notice that the closer they got to the church, the quieter Luka became. By the time they reached the steps themselves, she found herself wondering if he would even follow through by going inside.

"Luka, are you all right?" As she spoke, Abby touched his arm, stopping him before he climbed the stairs.

"Yeah." While he at first offered the lie without thinking, he immediately amended it. "I don't know. I think I need to do something before I sit down, will you take Joe and find our seats?" His eyes held a sadness in them she hadn't seen in sometime as he made the request.

"Of course. You don't want us to come though?" Even as she asked the question she knew he would refuse.

"No, I have to do this alone. Thank you though." Pausing, he leaned down to kiss her before picking up Joe so they could enter. Once inside Luka passed the toddler to his mother.

"Be good for Mama."

"No, wanna go wi' Tata." Joe automatically resisted the transfer and reached out for Luka.

"No, you go with Mama, I'll be right back." Freeing his sweater from Joe's grip, Luka gave first his son, then Abby a kiss. "I won't be long."

"Want, Tata." Joe's protest carried into the church as the couple separated and while they joined Ivka and many of her family in the pews, she couldn't help but notice that many of the Kovac's, Luka included, made their way into a small alcove to light candles in memory of those they had lost. After lighting his candles, Luka knelt in prayer and she noticed that Niko and his uncle took places on either side of him, offering silent support as he reached out to those long gone. Then, when Luka's shoulder's slumped and Stjepan reached out to pull his nephew to him, Abby was left wishing that it were she there in his place.

After what to Abby seemed an eternity the three men rose and after embraces and kisses were exchanged they made their way to the pews where their families were waiting. As Luka slid into his seat beside her, Abby searched his face for clues to what might be going on in his head. If she had expected to find grief, she was disappointed for if anything, there seemed to be a peace in him that she she hadn't seen before.

"You're okay?" Abby leaned close to her husband as she spoke.

"Yeah, I am." Unlike earlier his response was true, and that in itself amazed him. How long had it been since he could say that and really mean it? For the first time in almost seventeen years the past was truly in the past where it belonged.

As the Mass began, Abby leaned against Luka's shoulder as he held Joe, the choir's music bringing a smile to her face. They had been through so many years of pain and struggle and now everything finally seemed to have finally fallen into place for them. When had she last felt this peaceful? When had either of them? Sitting here now, she couldn't imagine a more perfect way to celebrate that then in this place surrounded by those who loved Luka unconditionally, and who had now welcomed she and Joe into their family as well. What better gift could they have received for Christmas then this?

December Prompt:Fireflies at Dusk fic from August prompts/Artistic License

2009-12-06T20:59:00.000-08:00

Fireflies

It was the sound of cupboard doors opening and closing that first alerted Luka to Abby's presence in the kitchen. When the noise progressed to actual door slamming, it finally became enough of a distraction that he was forced to lay the medical journal he was reading on his lap.

"Abby, what are you doing?"

"I'm looking for the jars with lids that are supposed to be in here." As she answered, the banging of the cabinet doors continued, though the sound was now mixed with occasional curses as she failed to find the jars.

"You do know that there are plastic bowls to the right of the sink that have lids, right?" Luka offered helpfully as he lifted his eyes from the article he was attempting to finish.

"Luka, you cannot use plastic bowls for fireflies." The words carried the tone of one reaffirming something so clear that everyone should know it.

"Fireflies?" The Croat's confusion was not appeased by his wife's answer, what had become clear though was that he would find no peace until she found the jars. Tucking the article page inside itself, he closed the journal before laying it aside and rising to join her in the kitchen.

"Yes, fireflies, I thought we could take Joe out into the yard, catch some, maybe do the ring thing. It'll be fun." Dropping to a squat, the small brunette began rummaging through the cabinet under the sink.

"Ring thing? What do flies have to do with rings?" Snagging a bottle of beer from the refrigerator, Luka propped his elbows on the counter across from her in order to watch his wife's almost obsessive search continue.

"Don't tell me, you've never caught fireflies, or made rings from them?" Abby turned to look upward as his response caught her off-guard. "Joe will love it, you catch one then, when it's lit, you pull it apart and stick the light on your finger."

"Okay, that's disgusting." The Croat's words were accompanied by a slight grimace.

"It's not disgusting, every kid does it, it's all part of growing up." Abby resumed her search as she spoke.

"Killing bugs and wearing their guts is part of growing up...right." A swallow of beer chased the words down.

"You'll love it, you'll see. Why don't you get Joe's jacket on him, while I find the jar." Her head disappeared under the counter only to emerge seconds later in triumph.

"Joe, want to go outside with Tata." Luka had started for the coat-hooks when he heard Abby's squeal of success.

"Found one! Now, you'll see, Luka, it'll be great, Joe will love it, and I'll even make a ring for you." Closing the door Abby stood and turned to see her husband's reaction.

"You are not putting bug guts on me, tradition or not. Okay, Joe, put your arm in this sleeve." Alternating his attention between the two, he finished getting his son's jacket on him before scooping the toddler up. "You ready to go outside?"

"Joe go outside." The boy's face lit up in a smile as he nodded enthusiastically to his father's question.

"Guess we're ready then, let's go catch you some fireflies."

Prompt 3.C.2. Explosion/ Elitist Bitches

2009-12-01T22:10:00.001-08:00

I heard the whistle of the shell before I heard the explosion, the shrill piercing sound that could spell nothing but death and destruction, and grief for those who somehow survived it. It was only as I rounded the corner that I realized that this time I would be more than a witness, more than a doctor rendering aid to one of those poor unfortunates who who might be lucky enough to survive with nothing more than the loss of a limb, or their sight. This time the explosion had struck the building that housed my family, and as I took the stairs upwards to our small apartment, I barely saw the injured or heard the cries of those who begged me for help.

Nothing mattered to me in those moments but getting to my family and on reaching them, finding them safe. It didn't happen. I heard my wife's cry for help as I reached the hallway and as I entered I was met by the sight of my baby boy's body buried under the rubble of what had been his crib, his tiny hand reaching for help that never came to save him. I can't begin to tell you how hard it was to leave him like that, but for the moment my wife and daughter were still alive, they had a chance if I could only get them out of the building in time.

The smoke was already making it difficult to breath but I had had to ignore it, Jasna, Danijela, they needed my strength, not my fear. I picked up our daughter and told my wife we had to go, only to discover a piece of metal had impaled her, when I laid Jasna down to see to her injuries, my little girl stopped breathing, and I realized I couldn't carry them both to safety. How could I choose between them? I'd already lost my baby boy, I couldn't lose my daughter too, I started CPR, and in between breaths tried to tell Danijela what to do to slow her own bleeding. I screamed for help until my voice was raw, but, no one ever came, and when I lost my wife I fought even harder for my daughter's life. It was finally my own exhaustion that forced me to stop, and my weakness meant the end of my daughter's young life. There was only one final thing I had to do.

I placed Jasna in her mother's arms before going to Marko's crib, I couldn't leave him buried like that. I begged him to forgive me for not being home to protect him as I pulled away the debris with my bare hands, even as I knew I would never forgive myself for failing them. When I had finally freed him, I carried him in to his his mother, and after placing him too in her arms I lay down beside them. I think I was hoping that if I went to sleep, maybe God would take pity on me and allow the smoke to claim me, that he would allow me to be with my family in death, but he didn't, the rescuers found me before morning. I was one of the lucky ones they said.

If only they knew.

Prompt 85.8 John Beckwith Quote/Couples Therapy

2009-12-01T20:03:00.000-08:00

John Beckwith: True love is your soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.

I wish I could say that my relationship with my wife represented finding my true love, but, I'd be lying. As hard as it is to admit it, Abby's known from the moment we met that my heart would always belong partially to another. Her name was Danijela, and I loved her from the moment I saw her. Even though it's been 17 years since she died, I still love her, I know I'll always love her, and Abby understands that when I die my final resting place will be at her side with our children.

Danijela was 16 when we first met, or I should say when I first saw her, it took me some time to work up the courage to actually talk to her, but, from that first look she had my heart. I wish I could say that I knew exactly what it was about her that captured it, but I don't. It wasn't just one thing about her, it was everything, from the way she looked to how she interacted with those around her, and then I heard her laugh.

Danijela and I were inseparable, well, with the exception of the time she was in school and I was going through my military service. After we married, nothing outside of my work could keep us apart and I blame that closeness we had partially for why she and our children died. Maybe if we had been apart more she would have left Vukovar when I asked her to, but, the idea of being away from me was too much for her, so she stayed and those final weeks we shared cost us the rest of our lives together.

When we were together it was like we shared the same breath, the same thoughts, we could look at each other and know without speaking when one or the other was worried or had a bad day. I look at my relationship with Abby and I wish we shared a bond like that but, I know that kind of love only happens once in a lifetime. Don't get me wrong, I love Abby, I would do anything for her, but, she and I will never have what Danijela and I had, and I know that has to hurt her. So, she accepts what I can give, knowing that I will be there for her, to protect her, and most importantly to love her until death do us part.

Prompt 66.6. Can I ask you something?/ On The Couch

2009-11-30T18:58:00.000-08:00

When Abby and I first dated, it was during a time when I very rarely spoke about my life prior to my arrival in Chicago. Most knew I came from Croatia of course, a few who worked in the ER knew that while I had survived the war in my home country, my wife and children had not, only one, Carol, knew the full story. I'll never know what prompted Abby to open the door on my past that early morning all those years ago, but, I've often wondered if she regretted the decision.

The year was 2000 and we were lying in bed talking about a number of things from our relationship to a patient of mine at the time who was a Catholic Bishop. While I at first resented having to treat Bishop Stewart because of my feelings toward the Church and God left over from Vukovar and the loss of my family, before he died the man enabled me to find my way back to both.

I was a little surprised at first when the conversation settled into silence, then figured it was still early, it was just likely Abby wanted more sleep, and then very quietly she asked the question that started it all.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Um hmm."

"What was her name?"

"Whose?

"Your wife."

"Danijela."

"Did you love her very much?"

"Um hmm."

To some it wouldn't seem like much, but, for Abby and I it was huge. Everything to that point had always been about Abby, her life, or her problems, this was the first time she had asked about my life. Over the years there have been other times. She's learned more about Danijela, of our children, of our families, and most unsettling for her, of the war that separated us forever. But, those times would come later, we both had to grow first, to part ways and then find our way back again.

Prompt 309 - What have you Forgotten? / Theatrical Muse

2009-11-20T19:08:00.001-08:00

What haven't I forgotten? There's been so much over the years or at least I thought there was.

For a long time I was sure I had forgotten how to smile, how to laugh. I had forgotten that any kind of joy existed because all I knew was death and sadness. I wanted the world to be dark place, because I needed to live there as my punishment for surviving when my family did not.

I'd forgotten what it meant to have a sense of family, of belonging, of home, and that too was by my own choice. All of those things were reminders of those who were no longer with me and while I still had my father and Niko, even being with them became too much, I had to leave, I had to abandon everything and everyone that reminded me of Danijela and my children if I was to have any hope of moving forward.

Moving forward, that's a joke in itself, it was more like running away. I couldn't set down any roots, and I didn't dare allow myself to form any serious friendships. Having friends meant they would ask questions about my past, questions I didn't want to answer, it was easier to just pick up and go, so, that's what I did until I got to Chicago, then everything started to change.

For a while I forgot about my past, I began to think I might be allowed to start a new life, okay, maybe I was slipping into someone else ready-made family, but, it was still a family, and I was all right with that. How could I have been so gullible? By the time I remembered the damage was done.

I can't say what made me try again and when that too failed to work I found myself losing my hold on not just my personal life, but my professional one as well. For so long work had been my escape, and suddenly I seemed to have forgotten why I was doing what I was doing. Nothing mattered anymore, not the patients, not the job, I simply put in the hours and when I wasn't there I drank myself stupid, and became a person I hated to look at in the mirror.

It took my own near death for me to finally find my way back from the darkness, and as I stepped into the light I rediscovered life, love, joy, I found my wife, I became a father again. I've learned that everyday may not be perfect, but, that doesn't matter, because I can handle it and if at the end of the day I can hold my son, and kiss my wife, then nothing else matters.

Prompt 112.10: The Writer's Way/ Love and Romance, A Marriage/Writers Muses

2009-11-19T19:17:00.000-08:00

Be all my dreams remembered.

Danijela and my children have been in my thoughts a lot lately. I shouldn't be surprised of course, they're always in my thoughts at this time of the year, but for some reason, this year is different. For the first time in seventeen years I'm not finding myself awakened in the middle of the night by Danijela's cries for help, or the sight of my baby boy's lifeless hand reaching for the help that didn't reach him in time. Even my failed efforts to keep Jasna alive have not visited me, and I can't help but wonder why this year is so different than all those that have passed before.

I can't go so far as to say that my nights have not however been dreamless, and as much as I understand Abby's increasing worry as night after night I find my sleep interrupted, I've been unable to share the nature of this year's dreams with her. I can't explain how I feel when I wake and traces of the dreams are still lingering with me, but, then I see Abby's face, and I wonder if she somehow knows. Have I said something in my sleep, and if so, does she see my reaction to them as a betrayal of the vows I made to her when we were married? It's at that point that it becomes too much and I know there will be no more sleep for me, so I flee the bed, and her, choosing instead to wander the still dark house in hopes of reconnecting with some of those memories that the dreams touched on.

Unlike in years past, jarred awake, only to be left wondering about what the dreams that woke me are about. Instead, It's like nightly I'm being led through a movie meant to remind me of the good times that my wife and I shared.

It's hard to believe that we'd have been married for 22 years now had Danijela not been taken from me that day in Vukovar. From the moment we met there was a connection neither of us could deny and neither the two years we were forced to wait to marry, or my time in the military were enough to change how we felt about each other. Even now, I still feel it at times, and these dreams seem to be reinforcing that bond we shared.

In previous years, the weeks leading up to the anniversary of the death of my family and the fall of Vukovar have always been filled with dreams. No, check that, not dreams, nightmares. Nightmares that not only woke me, but more often than not had left me drenched in sweat and shaking, with few memories of their details. I could generally guess about the contents of those past nightmares though, nightmares have haunted me for longer than I want to remember, and while for the most part they have faded, there are times of the year, like now, that they've always returned. So, again I ask myself, why is this year different?

For so long I dwelt on that final day to the exclusion of everything else it seemed, and in my mind it was as if my life had ended with the loss of my wife and children. I think too I had reached the point where I didn't want to relive the joy we shared because I felt I didn't deserve that anymore, and by only remembering that last day I could punish myself for failing them. Maybe this was God's way of saying that I had punished myself enough, or maybe Danijela herself was sending the dreams to me as her way of showing that she's forgiven me.

Reliving the first time we met and those early times together, it shocks me when I remember how young we both were. We had no idea of what our future held, we didn't care, all that mattered was how much we loved each other, and how long we would have to wait before we could be married. Daniejela was only 16 when we first professed our love to each other, I was 18, there was no question of her finishing school and I had to serve my stint in the military, it made sense to wait, but two years seemed like forever.

We survived it though, and when we married I was sure there had never been a bride more beautiful then Danijela was. After years of having the image of her bloodied body burned into my head, these dreams have given all that and more back to me, and I can't help but be thankful to whoever is responsible for sending them to me.

November Prompt 006: Bravery Quote/Artistic License

2009-11-07T21:35:00.000-08:00

006. Bravery is the capacity to perform properly even when scared half to death. --General Omar Bradley

"Luka, we have to go!" While the gunfire outside the small African clinic made Carter jump, it seemed to have little if any affect on the tall Croat as he continued with the amputation of the leg of the small girl on the table in front of him.

"Not yet, take the others, I can finish up here. I'll follow with Chance when I'm done." Despite his efforts to conceal it, the tremble in his voice betrayed his own fears on the danger of their current situation.

"We're not leaving you." Carter stood firm even as he spotted several soldiers, with their rifles at the ready, cross the yard outside the window. "We won't have long and they'll be inside."

"I know, Carter, but, if I don't get everything closed before I move her, I risk losing her. I'm not taking that chance if I don't have to." Kovac's irritation toward the younger doctor was growing as the man persisted. Did he really think he wasn't aware of what was happening outside and the risk he was putting them all in by not stopping the surgery immediately? Hell, if Carter could get past his own fear he would see there was no choice in finishing, he reached for more gauze in an attempt to clear the field of the rapidly pooling blood.

"Luka!" Carter reached of the IV as the gunfire and yells outside signaled that they were now directly involved in the battle. "It's now or never, we take her as she is or they'll kill her and us."

"Damn." Kovac tied off his last stitch before hastily wrapping what remained of the young girl's leg. It would have to do. "All right, I've got her, give me the IV and let's go." After wiping his hands on the already bloodied towel on the cot, he scooped Chance up into his arms.

"Run!" As he hit the back-porch he heard the sound of the clinic's front door being forced open, it was all a number's game now, for all of them.

Nov Prompt Qc) What do you think is the most amazing thing that anyone has ever accomplished? /Creative Muses

2009-11-03T20:36:00.000-08:00

Full Circle

As a doctor, as someone who survived a war, and as someone who has chased death more often than any one person should have to in their life, I suppose the expected response would be for me to say it is having the ability to hold someone's life or death in your hands on a daily basis. You would think I would say that, but, I can't, because for me, there is one greater accomplishment that I didn't realize the importance of until I thought it had been lost to me.

I married my first wife, Danijela, when I was 20, and she was just 18 and within a year of our beginning our life together, we welcomed our first child, a daughter, Jasna. Within three years we welcomed our second child, a son, we named Marko. I loved being a father, and though work and classes often kept me away from them more than I liked, when I was home, when I wasn't studying, I wanted nothing more than to spend my time with my wife and children.

And then they were gone.

I thought my life was over. I wanted it to be. I prayed for the next mortar that fell to strike the building I was in, for a sniper's bullet to find me as I walked the streets of Vukovar in the days and weeks after they were laid to rest, but, they never came. Even in those final days, as the City fell to the Serbs I was left to wonder why I would be one of those spared when so many close to me would perish.

Danijela and I were only married for 5 years, but, it may have well been a lifetime for the love we shared, and without her and our children, I was nothing. I was lost, I was alone, and I couldn't understand why God refused to allow me to join those I loved in death.

It took years for me to learn the reason behind his sparing me. Years that would lead me far from the memories that still sometimes visit my dreams. In time I discovered I was able to love again, and with that love I rediscovered the one thing I thought I would never know again.

Parenthood. Fatherhood. The day I looked into my baby son, Josip's face I knew there was nothing more amazing, no greater accomplishment in fact, than the ability we have to create new life and with it to become a parent. To this day, I hold my son, and he seems to have a power over me that I can't explain. It doesn't matter what my day has been like, one look at his face, seeing his smile, and everything pales in comparison.

In the beginning I was worried that Joe would be taken from me as Jasna and Marko had been, but as the years pass, those fears have faded as well. As I watch him grow from infant, to toddler, to this amazing little boy who wants to know and do everything I can't imagine not being here to share those experiences with him, and I thank God for not answering my prayers all those years ago. More then anything though, I want to teach him all of those things I wasn't able to give to the brother and sister he will never know. I want to be the father to him that I would have been to my first children had they not been taken before they had a chance to experience life as he now is.

Prompt 307: Trick or Treat

2009-11-03T17:03:00.000-08:00

Her name was Valerie, and she walked into my life at a time when it seemed like everyone else was walking out of it, or at least everyone who mattered that is. I suppose I couldn't really blame them, I'd become someone even I didn't want to be around, and as much as I wanted companionship, I was doing nothing that made anyone want to spend more than a few hours with me at most.

I met her in a bar. I was sitting at the bar alone, doing my best to drink myself into a stupor before finding my way home, a habit that was becoming far too common at the time, when she approached me. I wasn't surprised when she stopped to talk to me, women hit on me all the time, and back then I was taking advantage of it more than I want to admit. I needed to be with someone, I needed someone to hold me, to show me I could be loved again, even if it was only for an hour, and even if it was a stranger.

I guess what made her different from those that came before her, and even those that would come after, was that she was the only one I ever paid. Don't get me wrong, I didn't immediately jump at her offer, if anything my ego was a little bruised by it. Why should I have to pay a woman to spend time with me? But at that moment, in thinking about it, I knew I was alone, and I needed so very badly not to be, so, I said yes, and that night became the first of many I spent in her company before I found my way out of the darkness that I was living in.

I have news!

2009-09-03T23:29:00.001-07:00

Finally I have good news after so long of nothing but bad. I learned the results of my last blood draw and I'm up to 3.8, only .1 from what is considered the "normal" range. No more restrictions from going places, and my doctor is fairly confidant the danger associated with the allergic reaction to my newest medication change has finally passed.

I also saw my eye surgeon today regarding the cataracts I have in both eyes, and I go back tomorrow for additional pre-surgery tests before going under the knife for my first eye on the 17th. After a couple of weeks recovery time, I'll go back in, and the second eye will be done on October 1st. I'm hoping that by mid-Oct I will be able to fully concentrate on writing again, and once again start providing you with the story updates and new one-shot stories that you have all been so patiently waiting for.

Thanks to everyone who has sent their positive thoughts, they've been much appreciated.

JD

Update

2009-07-12T20:49:00.000-07:00

My apologies for not having updated recently, I've been dealing with serious flare-ups with several of my health issues that have severely impacted my ability to concentrate enough to write. I'm hoping that recent injections to both shoulders and a change in one of my meds will change that though, so please bear with me. Thanks for reading.

JD

May Prompt 005: Meet One Person? /Creative Muses

2009-05-30T18:42:00.000-07:00

"Why do you keep asking me things like that?" Luka glanced at Abby over the rim of the beer he was drinking.

"Because I'm trying to find out more about you, now, answer the question. If you could meet any person in the world, dead or alive, who would you want it to be?" As she finished, Abby picked a peanut out of the bowl on the bar and tossed it at him.

"Hey, don't throw things." Luka lifted a hand, deflecting it before it made contact, but, not before Abby had another at the ready.

"Are you going to answer the question then? I've got a whole bowl, I can do this all night." As if to prove her point, the small brunette cocked her wrist, intending to make good on the threat.

"Last chance."

"You're not going to know who it is." As he spoke, Luka kept his hand up, ready to block again if needed.

"You're stalling." She flexed her fingers for the throw, sure he was going to force her to make good on her threat afterall.

"Okay, okay, Tin Ujević. Satisfied." Luka kept his hand up just in case Abby decided to throw the peanut anyway.

"Who?" Unable to register anything but confusion at his answer, Abby automatically released the weapon and let it fall back into the bowl.

"Tin Ujević, he's considered to be one of the greatest Croatian poets of all time, and I told you that you wouldn't know who he was." Luka reached for his beer not that the threat of attack had passed.

"A poet? A poet. Since when have you been into poetry?" Abby swept her hair from her face as she tried to reconcile herself with his answer.

"Since, I don't know, longer than I can remember."

"Do you have any of his poetry?" Abby found her curiosity growing as this new side of Luka was revealed.

"Yeah, I do."

"Will you share it with me?"

"It's not in English."

"That doesn't matter, you can read them to me." Abby laid her hand on his as she made the request.

"I want to hear them the way you do. Luka, I want you to share them with me."

Two poems for you to enjoy...

Zelenu granu by Tin Ujević

And Uhapsen u magli by Tin Ujević

May Prompt 006: Shadows / Artistic License

2009-05-28T18:49:00.001-07:00

Keep to the shadows...

It was a mantra he forced himself to repeat anytime he left the apartment. In the early days it had been done simply as a reminder to himself.

Keep to the shadows...

The snipers were becoming more and more prevalent, their aim far deadlier. It didn't seem to matter who their targets were, the elderly woman queuing for a loaf of bread, the man with his child filling water jugs at the City spigot. Anyone was a ready target.

It's easy before dawn, at dusk, even into the night, though risk is still there, the darkness holds safety. Or so we like to trick ourselves into believing, in reality there is no safety in our lives anymore. It's with full daylight that the true danger arrives though, but, what can we do? We have to feed our families, we have to have water, for some, like me, there is still work that must be done and so we risk our lives in the world we no longer know.

What choice do we have? Do we become hermits, hiding away in the darkness of our apartments with no heat, no electricity, no running water until necessity forces us to venture beyond those walls? This is our world now, the world we have bequeathed to our children, a world of fear and certain death unless we pray for God's protection, and keep to the shadows...

Prompt 2009.18.2. What meals or food do you make really well?/ Realm of the Muse

2009-05-12T13:21:00.001-07:00

Now that we're settled in Boston, I find I'm spending more time in the kitchen than I ever did in Chicago. I enjoy it, I not only find it a great way to relax, but, it also gives me a chance to cook the foods I grew up with. I think being back in Croatia for as long as I was while my father was ill, and reconnecting with the importance of those family mealtimes made me realize that I wanted to share that with Abby and Joe once I was home.

I look at the comfort I find in the foods I grew up with, the thick soups and stews with their fresh baked croutons, the goulash and seafood, and yes, even the pastries, and I want that for my son. In fact, I'm cooking today, and as the smell of the simmering broth fills the whole house, all I have to do is close my eyes to find myself transported back to my mama's kitchen. I want my son to have these same memories, to enjoy the food as much as I do, so, I give him this gift as it was given to me, out of love.

Čobanac sa žličnjacima
Shepherd's Goulash

Ingredients

300g. (11 oz.) veal
300g. (11 oz.) pork
6 tablespoons oil
200 g. (7 oz.) onions
100g. (4 oz,) carrots
50g. (2. oz) parsley root
1 clove garlic
ground sweet red pepper (to taste)
salt and pepper
1 chili pepper
1 tablespoon ajvar ( a piquant, spicy and delicious mixture of round, red, sweet peppers (known locally as tomato peppers), aubergines, and chili peppers, first baked, then peeled, minced and cooked to a thick consistency).
1 bay leaf
1 tablespoon smetana
half a litre (20 fl. oz.) white wine
1 tablespoon Vegeta

Foer Dumplings:
350 g. (12 oz.) flour
1 egg
salt

Chop the onion. Grate the carrots and parsley root. Wash and dice the meat. Chop the garlic.
Heat the oil and lightly fry the onion, add the carrot and parsley root and braise for a while. Then add the meat and spice it with chili (or cayenne) pepper, red pepper and salt. Add a little hot water, bay leaf, Vegeta and allow to simmer gently, adding further water as required.

When the meat is half cooked, add the dumplings, garlic, and ground pepper. Finally, stir in the ajvar, wine and smetana.

Dumplings:
Mix the egg, salt and flour with sufficient water to produce a thick dough. Work the dough by beating it against the side of the mixing bowl with a wooden spoon until it becomes smooth and elastic and peels easily away from the spoon. Spoon pieces of prepared dough into a larger saucepan of salted boiling water. Cook for about 15 minutes, remove the dumplings and drain them.

Prompt 48: 4. Love is what you've been through with somebody- James Thurber/On The Couch

2009-05-12T11:55:00.001-07:00

From the time I was a young child I remember sitting and listening as people told stories of finding that one person who they knew was meant for them. From my parents, to my grandparents, to their friends, everyone had a story, if not of finding their own love, than of someone they knew who had. I don't know if I really gave them anymore thought than all of the rest of the stories I heard through my childhood until that moment that I first saw Danijela.

From my very first glimpse of her I knew that she was the one I wanted to spend my life with and nothing anyone could say could sway me. Because of our ages, Danijela was just 16 when we met, we waited two years to marry and during that time we made so many plans for our future. I don't think two years could have moved any slower than those two did, and it certainly wasn't helped by our being separated because while Danijela was finishing school, I was away fulfilling my military obligations.

We married when Danijela turned 18, and nine months later we welcomed our daughter, Jasna into our lives. If I thought I had loved my wife before, it was nothing compared to what I felt toward her once she began to carry that life inside of her, than later gave birth. Can anything be as beautiful as a mother and her child. I could have spent hours just watching them together, envying her that closeness gained with our daughter as she breastfed her. It would deepen still further with the birth three years later of our son.

I'll never know why our love was tested in the ways that it was. I'll never know why the life that seemed so perfect from it's start would end so suddenly, but, it did. I do know though that the love I felt for Danijela, the love I still feel for her will always be with me. It took me a long time to understand that it's okay for me to keep loving her. It took me a long time to understand that there was room in my heart for someone besides Danijela, and once I realized that I not only loved her even more, but, I could at long last move on.

Prompt 64.5 Reminder Picture/ Couples Therapy

2009-05-11T18:15:00.000-07:00

Find a picture of something that reminds you of your partner and explain why.

It was our first date, we went to a bar for a drink, and...there was this foosball table there. I'd never played before, and while she denys it, I still say she cheated. I'd like to say it was the perfect first date, but it wasn't, things happened that neither of us could have expected, things that could well have ended things for us even before they had begun.

I'm not saying the date, date part was bad, well, other than the fact that she cheats at foosball, we had a good time. We drank a little, talked about nothing that meant anything, had something to eat, and we enjoyed each other's company. Oh, yeah, and I kissed her. We had a good time. When it came time to leave we decided to walk along the river, that's when things fell apart.

If I could go back now and undo that decision, I'd go it in an instant. No one wants to believe they hold that kind of rage inside of them, but, even worse than it being exposed, is having someone else witness it. You see, I killed someone that night. I didn't mean for it to happen, I just reacted, and as a result a man died. Abby could have walked away, turned her back on me forever, I wouldn't have blamed her if she did. Who wants to be with someone capable of such violence? I even tried to push her away that night, I was disgusted with myself and disgusted by what I'd done. Yes, the man had tried to mug us, but, he didn't deserve to die for that.

Abby didn't give up on me though, and while things didn't work out for us then, we eventually found our way back to each other. It took time, and we both went through a lot of changes to get to where we are, but, we have a beautiful son now, and we're happy, and you can't ask for more than that.

Prompt 282: Cremation or burial? Talk about funeral arrangements./TM

2009-05-08T17:45:00.000-07:00

This is something Abby and I have talked about quite a bit, maybe because of my past, but, mainly because I felt she deserved to know that this was something I feel quite strongly about. For a long time I felt that my life had ended with the death of my wife Danijela, and our two young children in that small apartment in Vukovar. When their caskets were lowered into the ground, I couldn't shake my feelings of guilt over having failed them, and in that moment, had I been given the choice of joining them, I would have done so willingly. Despite the number of years that have passed since those burials, I know, and Abby understands, that my place belongs beside my first family, and so, when my time comes, she and Joe will take me home to Croatia and bury me there in that Vukovar cemetery. It's my hope, that in their own time, that they might too join me, but, that is a decision that will be theirs to make and not one I can make for them.

Because I was raised Catholic, and that faith was so much a part of my life with Danijela, and still is important to my family, I've already expressed my desire for a Catholic funeral and burial. I think it's a way too I can honor Bishop Stewart's memory, and thank him again for opening the door that allowed me to re-find my faith after many years away. On that day, when my body is once more reunited with those of my family, and my spirit rises to Heaven, I have no doubt that Danijela, Jasna, and Marko will be there waiting to greet me, just as I one day will be there to greet Abby and Joe when their time comes.

Graphic by Jana

Prompt 85.6: Time Flies / Writers Muses

2009-04-26T21:43:00.001-07:00

"Luka?" Abby switched the light on as she came down the stairs. While it wouldn't have surprised her to find him in the kitchen, seeing him standing at the patio doors was something else.

"What are you doing?" As she came alongside him, she couldn't help noticing that he held the small photo of his first wife and their daughter in his hand.

"Did you have a dream?" It was difficult to completely keep the concern from her voice. Was she ready for another cycle of his sleeplessness?

"No, not really." Luka shook his head, while there was a time when he might once have concealed the photo from her, that was no longer the case and he turned it so she could see what he held.

"What's going on then? You're not up for no reason." Sliding her arm around his waist, Abby found herself pulling him closer with the question.

"She would have been 22 today, Jasna, a year younger than Danijela was when she died. I still see her as this little girl playing with her doll." Luka lifted his hand to wipe his eyes as he spoke.

"There's nothing wrong with that, Luka, she's always going to be your little girl."

"Yeah, it's just hard to believe how fast time flies, and I can't help wondering what she might have been like if..." His words trailed off as his gaze seemed to become lost to something outside the window.

"If what, Luka?" As much as she hated pushing him for more, too many years had been wasted in their not talking about his past for her to go back.

"I just wonder what she might have been like if she'd had the chance to grow up." Luka's words seemed to come from a long distance away, almost as if he were talking to someone other than Abby.

"Would she have chosen marriage and a family like her mother, or would she have decided she wanted a career? She was such a bright little girl, and she was so looking forward to the day she would go to school. She never even got a chance to do something as simple as that." The reminders of how much his daughter had missed out on were too much and as his voice broke, Abby felt the tremble run through him.

"Luka, whatever she did, you know you would have supported her in it, just like you would have done for Marko, you'll do for Joe when the time comes. You're a wonderful father now, and I know you were a wonderful father then. You can't go back and change the past, but, you can remember all the things that made your daughter so special to you. You have to know she'll always be part of you, and because of that, she'll always be a part of us, and it's that which will keep them all alive.

Night Out Part 10 / Revised

2009-04-26T19:24:00.000-07:00

The increase in the tension of the robbers had an immediate effect on their hostages and while some simply gave into the tears born of their fear, among most there was a pronounced increase in the level of the conversations among them.

"Shut the fuck up! So help me I'm gonna start shooting people if you don't shut your mouths." The announcement from the robber stunned almost everyone into immediate silence, not just because of the threat but because he was the one that to this point had been the silent one, the one they thought they had least to fear from. Clearly, tensions were rising and not just among the hostages.

Bobby...back off, we need to figure a way out of this." Albert returned to the front window, pulling the curtain aside only enough to get a glimpse of the street outside.

"Why don't you just let everyone go, before things get worse then they already are?" The words were out of Luka's mouth before Abby could stop him.

"You were told to keep your mouth shut already." Whether it was fear or something more that drove him, it was the youngest of the three that reacted to Luka's words and before either of the other two could stop the man he was already in front of Kovac. His first kick doubled the Croat over, the ones that followed would leave him gasping for breath on the floor before Albert could pull his brother off.

"What the hell are you doing? You want to kill him? You were supposed to be checking the back alley, keeping an eye on what's going on out there, and you, get your ass up." After assuring himself that Joey was finally doing as he'd been told Albert nudged Luka with the toe of his shoe, when he made no effort to comply he reached down and grabbed a handful of his shirt and jerked him upright.

"I said I wanted you up, so help me, you're just asking me to turn him loose on you again." His voice held the promise of a threat that he'd have no trouble acting on.

"Can't you see he's hurt...untie me, I'll keep him sitting if that's what you want." Abby offered the compromise without worrying about the consequences to herself. As the robber released his hold on Luka's shirt and he watched the man simply curl into himself again he realized he'd have to make a choice.

"Alright, but you try anything, and I mean anything, and he's the first to die. You got me?" As he finished speaking Albert stepped behind Abby and untied her hands.

"I mean it, you get him up and you keep him up, anything happens he dies first, then I kill that little blond girl there, you make sure he understands that." Without waiting for her response he stepped away from their hostages.

"Bobby! What's happening in the back alley?" This was not how things were supposed to have gone down.

To be continued...

Prompt 83.1.A. "No, I am certain you don't want to know what I really think."/Writers Muses

2009-04-25T13:28:00.000-07:00

"No, Mr. Spera. I am certain you don't want to know what I really think." As they walked back toward the lake, Margaret Hall found it difficult to look at the young man beside her.

"What do you want me to say, Mrs. Hall? Do you want me to say I can call all of this off? Because, I can't do that. My partner is convinced the money is there and he is prepared to do whatever he has to do to get it."

"What about you, just what are you prepared to do? If your partner told you you had to beat me up, break my leg, you'd do that for him? Would that get you this money that you seem to want so badly?" The red-head's voice held more frustration than anger at the situation she found herself in.

"I don't want to do any of this, but, I don't have anymore of a choice in things than you do." Alek found it hard not to sympathize with the woman, but how could he possibly tell her what a failure on his part might cost him. Without thinking his hand rose to rub the tattoo on his neck as they continued walking.

"Sure you do, you're young, I would guess single too, you could go anywhere, well, I can't. This is all we have Mr. Spera, we have nowhere to run to, no way to escape this. So, you do what you have to do, but, I don't have the kind of money you want." As she finished, Margaret looked off toward the lake, only to immediately turn back to the house as she heard the call of her oldest son.

"Look, I have to go, I'll try, but, I know we don't have it." Turning she began walking away from him before he could answer.

"What if I see if he'll take less, that would be better, it would help?" Alek hurried to catch up before checking his stride so he could walk back to the house with her.

"I'll do what I can, and call you later, okay? I'll try." His tone held a touch of hopefulness in it and the woman couldn't help but grab onto it.

"Thank you, now, I do have to go." The sense of relief was immediate as she walked away from him, and while she had no guarantee that he would be successful, at least it gave her hope, and that was what she had needed.

Muse: Alek Spera
Fandom: The Deep End
Words: 414

April Prompt: 005. In what ways do you relax and de-stress when you are really tense?/Creative Muses

2009-04-25T11:12:00.001-07:00

"Watch 'em, Joe, they're going to get the ball." Luka held the conversation over the football match with his son in Croatian, something he's started even before the boy had been born. From the moment he'd learned Abby was pregnant he'd known how important it would be that Joe be bilingual, not just because he was half Croatian, but for those times when his father would call, or they might one day go to Croatia. Unfortunately, his father had passed before Joe was old enough to really talk, but, that hadn't stopped him from continuing the lessons, and when the two of them were together, he found he rarely spoke to him in English.

"Tata, him running." Joe pointed at the at the screen as he spoke, making sure that Luka was catching what was happening on-screen.

It was hard to explain how important his time with Joe was to him. Maybe it was because he realized how little time he'd had with Jasna and Marko, or maybe it was just knowing that he and Abby would never have another child. Whatever the reason, the moments they spent together were ones he found himself looking forward to. It didn't matter what kind of a day he'd had, or how tired he felt, the minute he walked through the door and heard Joe call his name it all disappeared.

"Tata, him running, see." Joe tugged at Luka's sleeve to drag his father out of his thoughts and back into the soccer match on the television.

"I see that, Joe." What could be better than this?

Prompt 280: What do you think?/Theatrical Muse

2009-04-24T13:48:00.000-07:00

"What do you think?" Luka looked up from the journal he was reading as his wife asked the question.

"Hmm? Of what?" His expression shifted to one of puzzlement as he realized that he honestly had no idea of what the woman was talking about.

"You weren't even listening were you?" Abby poured milk over the cereal in Joe's bowl before placing it in front of the toddler.

"Um, sorry, I'm trying to get caught up." Reaching for a second journal, the Croat tucked the second inside the first to use it as a bookmark before setting it aside.

"Tell me again." Pushing himself up off the chair, he made his way over to the short counter that separated the living-room from the kitchen.

"I don't know if I'm ready to let you off that easy." Abby tilted her head slightly as she debated how long she wanted to continue the give and take.

"Hey, that's not nice." As he stood beside his son, Luka found himself unable to resist stealing a piece of cereal from the boy's bowl, and as he popped it in his mouth, he gave him an exaggerated smile.

"Well, that's what happens when you don't listen the first time." As Luka settled next to Joe, Abby couldn't help but smile, the moment for the two of them now passed.

"Yum, good stuff, Joe." Pleased at the attention turning toward him, the soon to be three year old, fished another Cheerio out of the milk and offered it to his father.

"Thank you, Joe." Leaning toward him, Luka accepted the bite, then reciprocated by offering a kiss in return.

"That's enough for me, now, you eat your cereal."

Night Out Part 9/ Revised

2009-04-22T22:23:00.000-07:00

With the patrons secured, their haul piled out of reach on the bar, the three moved back to the front of the restaurant, leaving their hostages alone for the first time since they had entered. Not surprisingly, most began to talk among themselves immediately, some simply to offer comfort to spouses, others to complain, though wisely not loud enough to be overheard. Abby's concern chief concern was on Luka as he struggled again to sit. She couldn't ignore the force of the blow the man had delivered to him, and as she observed his movements, she looked for signs of a potential head injury.

"Luka, are you all right" She kept her voice low, barely above a whisper as she spoke.

"I don't know." Once he was fully upright, he shook his head, only to instantly regret it as the room seemed to spin forcing him to close his eyes in response.

"I think my head's going to explode, if I don't throw up first." He winced as he tested the restraints on his wrists and found himself rewarded with a tightening of them.

"I'm sorry, Luka." Abby's concern was written clearly on her face as she studied his face for changes from her earlier exam of him.

"Sorry for what?" He shifted his full attention to her as he picked up the change in the tone of her voice.

"For not listening to you earlier, when you said you felt like something wasn't right, I should have trusted your instincts, and I didn't." Abby dropped her eyes from his face with the admission.

"Abby, look at me." Luka waited until she was looking at him again before continuing.

"You couldn't have known this was going to happen, I didn't even know what was wrong, don't blame yourself." He glanced toward the entrance where the men were gathered then back to her.

"They've got what they wanted, there's no reason for them to stay, they're probably already getting ready to leave, you'll see." The words were no sooner out of his mouth then there was a yell from the door.

"Damn! Joey, go check the back, son of a bitch, there are cops outside." Albert had drawn the curtain back to look over the street and now let it fall as he turned to his brother with raised hands.

"What are you waiting for? Would you check the back."

to be continued...

Night Out Part 8 / Revised

2009-04-19T22:07:00.001-07:00

The man was crazy, Abby was sure of it, but, as much as she wanted to tell him that, her fear for what he was capable of held her back.

"Move." Albert shoved Luka in the direction he wanted him to go, paying no mind to the fact that the man was still dazed and disoriented, and causing him to stumble as he lost his balance.

"Get down on the floor, hands behind your back, now." He glanced over to where the other two men had begun securing the rest of the patrons, before bringing his attention back to Luka and Abby.

"You too, what are you waiting for?" He momentarily shifted his attention away from Luka as he sprawled on the wood floor, more concerned with making sure that the woman didn't try to escape. He needn't have worried, as Luka lost his balance Abby quickly moved to his side, kneeling next to him before laying a hand on his shoulder.

"Luka, look at me." She barely had time to register the size of his pupils let alone whether they were equal before Albert was jerking her away from him.

"That's enough, I said sit." He pushed her to the side before laying his rifle on the bar so he could concentrate on tying Luka's hands behind his back.

"Your turn." Albert grabbed one of the collected ties before turning to Abby, and yanking her arms sharply behind her back. His actions finally prompting a response from Luka as he tried to stop him by butting him with his shoulder."

"You don't have to be so rough with her." He shook his head, trying to clear the dizziness as he spoke.

"Bad move Cowboy." Without giving it a second thought Albert backhanded Luka with enough force to knock him again to the floor.

"That's two, next time is going to be a hell of a lot worse." With the warning given he turned his attention back to securing Abby.

To be continued.

2009.15:4: Talk about someone who is/was an adversary or enemy that you respect and/or admire/ RotM

2009-04-18T16:24:00.001-07:00

How do you thank someone for giving you your life back?

For the longest time John and I were adversaries I guess you could say. I'm not sure how it started, or even why exactly, though I know it was at a time when Abby and I were first dating and things weren't going too well.

At the start, when Abby and I were together, she and John were simply friends, when things started to change it couldn't help but bleed into the relationship we had. Maybe I was jealous because I saw that he could give her a life I couldn't, or maybe it was just the relationship that seemed to exist between them. When we finally did break up, we both had our reasons, and where she used my continued love for my wife against me, I hurled her feelings toward Carter at her. I'd had enough, I told myself I was done with the games, I was done with the fights, I told her that Carter could have her. I didn't realize at the time what a mistake I was making and what that decision would cost me.

Over the next year and a half it seemed things only got worse, it wasn't just that I still held feelings for Abby, I know I did, but, I'd lost my best friend, and seeing her everyday with Carter, it became a nightmare for me. I began to hate Carter, and that hate started to change me, ultimately affecting how I did my job. I became someone I no longer recognized, and often someone I couldn't stand, and while it was easy to blame John, in truth I know I knew it wasn't his fault.

It's funny how time changes things, how things that once seemed so huge become insignificant. When I decided to go to the Congo my life was in ruins, I hardly recognized the person I'd become, and was to the point where if I had died, I was sure no one would even have noticed. I'd made my peace with Abby, and while things between us weren't perfect, we had at least become friends again. It took going to the Congo though for me to see just how much things had changed between John and I.

I'd worked in a war-zone before, I'd seen the devastation, the grief on the faces of parents as they held their bloodied children in their arms. I knew what it was like to work under the worst conditions you could imagine, with little to no sleep, but, you can't explain that to someone like Carter. The first time I saw him there, I knew he was shocked by the conditions, but, what was I supposed to say to him? It wasn't like it was going to get any better. It wasn't like he could buy a way to fix this. Then, after our encounter with the Mai Mai there was no doubt of he and the others leaving Matenda.

Saying good-bye, that day on the steps of the clinic, I think I knew it very well could be for the last time, but, I had my patients, and for the first time in far too long I felt like I was doing the right thing. I don't think any of us could have anticipated how much worse things would get, or the lives that would be lost in the process. More importantly, I never would have thought that John would endanger his own life to recover my body upon learning of my death.

My death. They thought I was dead, killed with so many others, Patrique among them. County had received the call, and for whatever reason ,John decided he had to come back back for me. He didn't have to, he didn't owe me anything, we weren't even friends, or so I thought, but, he put his own life in danger and he found us, Chance, her Mother, and I, in a filthy mud hut. I was barely clinging to life when he got there, in a day, maybe two I could well have been truly dead. Yet, there he was, and somehow, he convinced them to release us, and to this day I'll never know the how or why of it.

My relationship with John has never been the same since that day. I can now honestly say, he's my friend, and I owe him my life, and so much more, and I have no idea how I will ever repay him for all that he gave me when he gave me back my life.

45.1: Home/On The Couch

2009-04-17T00:45:00.001-07:00

"Luka, you are not giving him a paintbrush." It took every ounce of willpower in her for Abby not to stop what she was doing to prevent just that as she saw Joe hovering close to Luka while he readied the paint for the living-room wall.

"He'll be fine, I'll give him a bath when we finish. Right, Joe, you want to help Tata paint, don't you?" As he asked the question, Luka handed the 3 year old a small brush.

"Joe, paint." The boy gleefully waved the brush before eying the bucket in anticipation of what was yet to come.

"Oops, before we do that, we better put this on you." Reaching for the adult tee shirt that lay next to the bucket, Luka pulled it over his son's head, only to smile as he saw that it very nearly touched the floor on him.

"Maybe I should have used one of yours instead of mine." He joked as he shot a glance to Abby all while still keeping his eye on their son.

"Funny. You do realize we're planning to be in this home for some time, are you sure you want his handiwork on the walls? I can find something else to keep him busy." Abby couldn't hold back the grimace as Joe got closer to the paint.

"Abby, you worry too much, we've got it covered. Isn't that right, Joe? Let's get you some paint." Guiding his son's brush into the bucket, Luka put just enough paint on it to allow him to feel like he was helping before dipping his own.

"Okay, Joe, paint just like Tata, up and down, back and forth." He guided the toddler through several cycles before coating his brush a final time and turning him loose on a section of wall.

"Up, down." Joe echoed his father's words as he slapped the paint on the wall before him, oblivious of the paint that dripped onto his hand and down to the drop-cloth he stood on.

"Joe, paint." His smile spread rapidly across his face as he grew more confident with what he was doing and it wasn't long before he was even dipping his own brush.

"Good job, Joe." Luka reached over to ruffle the boy's hair as he offered the praise, who would have thought it would have gone so well.

The apartment in Chicago had always been his, people came and went, but this place, this was a home, a family lived here, and when people saw it, there would never be any doubt of that.

The End

April 001 Chicago At Night/ Artistic License

2009-04-15T22:07:00.000-07:00

I killed a man tonight. And while I see death on an almost daily basis, I know this one will haunt me for the rest of my life. This wasn't a death I can write off to fate, or even injuries too severe for those of us treating him to stabilize. The truth is, this death was preventable. Tonight's death came at my hand, and for one single reason. I lost it.

Abby and I had gone out for the evening and instead of taking a cab after dinner, we went walking down by the river. Out of nowhere we were attacked by this mugger and I remember hitting the ground. When I came to, Abby was screaming and I went after him, but, instead of simply stopping him, I laid into him, sending him to the ground. It wasn't enough that I hit him, or that I kept hitting him, I also shattered his skull by repeatedly pounding his head against the pavement. If Abby hadn't stopped me I'd have killed him right there, I'm sure of it, as it was, they ended up taking him to the hospital, but, it was too late, his brain was already mush.

I came to America, to Chicago to find myself and hopefully start a new life, but, now I wonder if that's even possible. Do I want to know the person capable of this? Maybe the bigger question should be, will anyone else here want to have anything to do with me once the word gets out about it? Who knows what it might take to make me snap again. What if it were to happen at work, or worse, to someone I knew? My God, what kind of an animal does this make me?

I look at this City and I think I could disappear into it so easily, but, the truth is, I never could because the one person I most need to escape from is myself. Maybe Niko was right, maybe I am running away. Maybe my not being able to deal with all that happened back home is only going to keep building up in me until I'm left with these unexplainable rages that I can't control. How am I going to be able to live like this? It's not like I can justify my actions, so, what do I do? Run away again? What would that accomplish? Do I find yet another place to bury this as I've tried to bury so many other things in my past that I'm not ready, or not able to face? I don't know how much more of this I can take before it's too much.

As much as I know it's not possible, I still find myself clinging to that thread of hope, and so, I close my eyes and I wish, no I pray for that miracle that will make all of this go away. I pray for that miracle that will give me back those I've lost and the life that we used to have, but, it never does. No matter how often I try, I open my eyes and I'm left instead with the view of the City and all of those hopes that I fear will never be fulfilled.

The End

Night Out Part 7/ Revised

2009-04-15T14:21:00.000-07:00

Albert Falbrizzo remained silent for a long moment, truth was he was taking perverse pleasure in watching the woman's anxiety rise the longer he delayed her. Finally, he released a smile and lifted the gun from Luka's chest.

"All right, but, I want his wallet and cell phone before you do anything." He remained close as the small woman rushed to the unconscious man's side, dropping to her knees she fished through his pockets.

"Take them." She handed first her husband's phone, then his wallet upward, they were just things, none of them mattered as much as he did.

"Luka...come on, time to wake up." Abby dipped one of the napkins in the water before wiping the blood from his brow. When her actions prompted a soft moan from him as consciousness returned, she couldn't stop the smile from surfacing.

"That's it, you're all right." She applied even pressure to the gash, only to find she had to fend off his hands as he tried to stop her.

"No..." He started to sit, then groaned as she put her hand on his shoulder, pushing him back.

"Stay still for a minute, let me look you over." With Luka awake Abby felt a weight lift, the first hurdle was cleared, she held two fingers in front of his face.

"How many fingers?" As she waited for his response she gauged the size of his pupils, looking for differences in the size that might further indicate a head injury.

"Two." Luka raised his hand again, intending to rub his eyes only to find his efforts stopped yet again.

"I have a headache." He offered the complaint as if that might sway her.

"I'm sorry, but, you need to keep your hand down, I mean it." Her tone held a threat of implied violence, though both knew none would follow.

"What happened?" For the first time Luka looked past Abby, and as he caught sight of the man with the rifle he again started to sit up.

"Luka, stop, just lay still." Abby barely got the warning out before Albert intervened.

"He wants to sit up, the two of you can join the others, he's a big guy, he looks like he can handle it." Moving to Luka he grabbed his arm, yanking him to his feet before Abby could protest.

"Come on, let's go."

to be continued...

Night Out Part 6/ Revised

2009-04-12T10:25:00.001-07:00

"I need a towel, a napkin, something to stop the bleeding." Abby forced herself to look away from Luka long enough to try and get what she needed to address his visible injuries. "Please?"

"Get it yourself, but, you try anything, just remember first I kill him." As if to bring home his point the man moved closer.

"Then that little blond girlie there." He glanced fleetingly to the still crying teen before returning his full attention to Abby, who had yet to move from her husband's side.

"Now, if you're going to get something you'd better get what you need, this is the only time you're moving except for when you go back and join the others over there." He used the gun as a pointer, jerking it around toward the bar where his partners were busy tying up the other patrons and staff.

"All right, all right, just don't hurt him." Abby slid Luka's head from her knee and eased it back to the floor before scrambling to her feet. She only had one chance, what would she need for him? Her thoughts were racing, what if she missed something? Heading for the closest table she grabbed several napkins, then almost as an afterthought she began emptying the table of everything else so she could take the tablecloth as well. Once she had what she thought she'd need in hand, she looked back at the man who still hovered over Luka. God, it wasn't nearly enough, but, what choice did she have?

"I need to get a glass of water, for when he comes around, to clean the wound." She shifted the items in her arms as she pointed to one of the recently vacated tables, but remained where she was until she received his nod of approval.

"Get it, that's it though, you've stalled long enough." As if she needed a reminder of the risk he posed to Luka, he nudged the still unconscious Croat with the toe of his shoe, prodding him in the stomach.

"Don't." Abby the word was out before she could stop it and she quickly grabbed the closest glass of water before hurrying back to Luka's side.

"I wasn't going to do anything else, don't hurt him anymore." Before she could move her captor grabbed her arm, pulling her close enough that she could smell his breath.

"You don't tell me what to do." His finger's bit into her arm, causing her to yelp in pain. "You got me?"

"Yes." Abby nodded her assent, willing to say anything if it would get her to Luka's side sooner, this was taking too long, Luka needed her, and she needed to see to him.

"Please, let me see to him." She was willing to do whatever it took...

to be continued...

Prompt 60.5: Careful/Couples Therapy

2009-04-11T22:57:00.000-07:00

I Thought I Knew Fear

I thought I knew every kind of fear. I'd lived through a war. For weeks I had dodged the gunfire of snipers as I went for water, queued for food, or simply covered the distance from our apartment to the hospital where I was undergoing my residency. Too suddenly though I learned there was a much greater fear, a fear that tears through you, one that leaves you powerless in it's wake. The day that the mortar struck our apartment, I was forced to face that fear. When I found my wife, and my children buried in the rumble of what had once been our home, only to learn that my son was already gone, I couldn't even stop to grieve for him. How do I begin to describe the fear that consumed me as I struggled to keep my little girl alive while praying for someone to find us in time? They didn't though. Find us in time. I lost them all that day, and a part of myself with them. In the days and weeks after, I prayed for a sniper's bullet to find me. I prayed for the next mortar to hit in the place where I just happened to be, but, they never did. Even as Vukavar fell, and the Serbs were nearing the hospital doors I was one of the few who were chosen to survive, all the while wondering, why me?

Survive. That's all I did over the next thirteen years. Though I'd managed to escape from Vukovar I was shot in the process, and after several days of travel with no treatment of the wound, and little food I'd had enough. Infection was setting in, hunger was tearing at my insides, all I wanted to do was close my eyes, go to sleep, and hope I'd never wake again.

I did wake though, and instead of being once more with my family as I'd hoped, I found myself in a Displaced Person's Camp. I begged them to let me die, and when that failed, I tried to will myself to death. I refused the food they brought, I ignored the attempts they made to talk to me, and still they wouldn't leave me alone. I couldn't understand why these people who knew nothing about me were so determined to keep me alive when it was the last thing I wanted. In the end they won, for despite my best efforts I found myself growing stronger and while I might not have wanted to hear it, I learned that what I was feeling was all too common among survivors. The feelings were ones shared by many, and they alone were not enough to call death to me.

I spent several months in the camp, and when I left it was to find myself filled with a new fear, the fear of returning to a life that was no more. It was a fear I would never conquer and it would in fact eventually drive me from not just my family and friends, but the land I was born in. It took only days for me to realize how hard it would be for me to be back in my father's house. To wake everyday and find him trying so hard to make me feel that there was still a life possible for me. Worse yet, seeing the look on my father's face when I caught him watching me when he didn't know I was. How can I explain what that was like? While I was grieving my family, he was grieving not just them, but, also the loss of the man I had been with them, for there was no longer any doubt to him that he had died on that day as well.

As difficult as things were with my father, they were far worse between my brother and I. Whatever love had once existed between us seemed to be lost amidst daily arguments and ugly words hurled at each other in unbridled anger. It soon became clear that if I was to have any hope at all of surviving my losses it would have to be done somewhere else. Somewhere far from the constant reminders of those I had loved so much, far from the reminders of those who were stolen from me forever. On the day I made that decision to leave Croatia, Niko and I had our final fight, a fight that would rip away the bond that had existed between us since childhood. He wouldn't understand why I felt as I did, or maybe he couldn't, he accused me of being selfish, of running away, of not caring about anyone but myself. If only he had understood what I'd already accepted, I knew that if I had any hope of healing I had to first find out who I was again, and I couldn't do that amongst all the memories of the past that was no more. I had to go away, I had to start over again.

I didn't find my way to Chicago immediately, and once I was there it wasn't easy to undo the safe-guards I'd set in place to protect myself from people getting too close. In time I did though. In time, I gave myself permission to trust again, to love again, and along the way I even made mistakes, terrible mistakes. I admit, when that happened, I came close to running away, to self-destructing. I turned to all of those things I knew I shouldn't do, and when I found no peace in them I did the worst thing I could imagine, I put myself in harm's way all the while hiding behind the mantle of doing good. Funny thing how life has a way of paying you back for your actions, and my lesson came not just with the facing of a new kind of fear, but at the cost of another's life as he tried to save mine.

At the time I went to the Congo I know I was thinking that my actions might somehow be seen as my way as making amends for the mistakes I had made. Mistakes that had led to Erin's being injured, and worse, to Rick Kendricks death. They never would of course, but, I couldn't see that then, and I certainly couldn't see the dangers I was walking into. If anything I taunted them, placing myself in harm's way more then once out of both arrogance and stupidity. Remembering John's final words to me on that day he left Patrique and I in Matenda, I can't help feeling now that he must have known, or at least suspected, that he might very well be saying good-bye to me for the very last time. How could I blame him?

What happened in those next days and weeks comes to me now in pieces, lost mostly to nightmares brought back from the haze of the untreated malaria that I had existed in for so long. In a way that again makes me the lucky one, for unlike Chance and her mother I'm not forced to relive those horrors day after day. Unlike them, I'm given the luxury of forgetting, a respite that they will never know. There are somethings though I will never forget, most importantly the sacrifice made by Patrique as he gave his life to spare mine. The very same risk that Sakima made when she too pled for my life, ignoring the risk to herself and her young daughter. How can I begin to understand what they saw in me even as I had already given up? But I lived, we lived, and somehow, in the midst of all of that carnage and death, John found us, and he brought us home.

When John found the three of us in that tiny hut, I was near death, and where once I might have given myself up to it, I knew this time I no longer had that option. No more did my life belong to me alone, I owed all that I was, and all that I would be to others now. From Patrique, to Sakima, and even to little Chance, from this point forward, my actions reflected not just on me, but on how I felt toward what they had done for me. Their sacrifices had ensured I remained alive, and the gift they had given me was one I could no longer waste.

So many years have passed since that day I was placed on the plane back to Chicago. I remember asking John where I was going and him telling me I was going home. On that tarmac, he saw what I couldn't, and after years of uncertainty, I can honestly say, I do now. It's not come without one final test though, and with it another glimpse of fear, a fear far beyond anything I could ever have imagined. You see, I'm a husband again, and a father, and if I fear anything more than the loss of my family, it's the affect my own death might have on my wife and small son.

As a doctor you always try to do the best you can do for every patient you treat, but, we're only human, and despite those best efforts we can miss things. Curtis Ames was one of my patients where I missed something, and instead of accepting that what happened, he became obsessed with getting revenge. It wasn't enough that he sued me and lost, he began stalking me, and worse he began stalking my family. I tried to warn him off, and it only angered him more. I should have realized then what would come next, but, I didn't, why would I? When I stepped into our apartment and found him there with that gun on Abby and Joe, I knew what I had to do. As hard as it was not to run to them ,to wrap my arms around them and comfort them, I had to be careful, I had to keep my distance. I couldn't let him know how much they meant to me. If anyone was to be hurt, it had to be me, not them, they had to live, as hard as that would be for them. It was all I could do to look at Abby's face, to see the pain written so clearly there and know she was begging me to stay. How could I expect her to understand that in leaving with Curtis Ames I was doing what I had to do to protect her and Joe, to save them?

I wouldn't know until later the agony that Abby went through in those hours I was gone. How the not knowing was far worse then anything I could have imagined. I couldn't know the fear she felt when she heard the sound of gunfire from his house, how those minutes between when the police stormed the residence until I came through the door seemed like hours instead of the minutes they actually were. I couldn't know how all of these things would change us, but they did, and in many ways they still are. We're working through it, and in time, maybe we can put all this behind us as I have managed to put the worst of my past behind me. I'm not saying it'll be easy, or that reminders won't surface, but we have each other, and if anything can save us that'll be it, or at least, I hope so.

Prompt 259: Write a prompt that begins with the words: "I don't understand"...

2009-04-10T17:17:00.000-07:00

I don't understand, it should have been me, not Patrique. If he, Sakima, and Chance had only left with the others that night in the jungle, none of them would have suffered the abuse that they did, Patrique might very well still be alive. He had his whole life ahead of him, why did he feel that his was any less important then mine?

If I go back to the very beginning, to the very reason I went to the Congo, I can't even say that I went because I wanted to give back something for all that I'd received in my life. No, that wasn't the reason I left Chicago when I did, the truth is, my life was falling apart, it had been for far too long, and I knew if I didn't do something I would lose myself. Even before I left I had been throwing my life away, everything I'd been doing went against all I believed, all I'd based my entire life on, and it made me sick to even look at my reflection in the mirror. I knew that I had to do something when it started to affect how I treated my patients, how I saw them, or rather the way I no longer saw them, I'd stopped caring about them as people, and without compassion what kind of doctor could I be? I thought going to the Congo might help me find the man who'd become lost to me, but, instead I seemed to only sink deeper into a hole I couldn't find my way out of.

I didn't plan to continue with the drinking and sleeping around once I arrived at the clinic, but there was little else to do at the end of a long shift, and there was no shortage of nurses who were willing. I certainly never planned on starting up anything resembling a relationship with anyone, but, I guess that's what you'd call what happened between Gillian and I, even if we did have our ups and downs.

I know I didn't expect my time in the Congo to pull up the memories of my work in Vukovar, but, that's exactly what happened as day after day I found myself coming face to face with the innocent victims of war. It was hard not to draw parallels between what I saw as a young resident and what was happening almost in front of me, and the worst part was realizing that despite the number of years that had passed, so little seemed to have changed. If it were not for the color of their skin and their language, they could have been the same, and all of them were as just as innocent as those I'd been unable to save all those years ago.

I don't know at what point I decided that I was ready to die, maybe it wasn't until the Mai Mai came into Matenda that day. I know now that I couldn't have been thinking straight when I challenged then, almost dared the man to shoot me. When he held that gun to my head, in that instant I swear, I remember thinking, just pull the trigger, I dare you, and when he didn't, I think I was disappointed. Then, seeing him threaten John, and knowing that Gillian might suffer an even worse fate at their hands, I just knew they had to leave, all of them.

I'll never know why Patrique stayed that day or why he, Sakima, and Chance stayed that night in the jungle when all the rest of those from the clinic fled, but, I can't help but feel responsible for what they went through when the Mai Mai took us captive. Patrique's death is a burden I will bear for the rest of my life, not just because I know he stayed to help me, but, because his life was taken while he was pleading for them to spare mine. After all I had been through, I don't understand now, anymore then I understood at that moment why he thought his life was worth less than mine. I can't look at Sakima without thinking the same thing. Here is this woman, with this beautiful little girl, and she put both of their lives at risk to remain with Patrique and I, and even after they had raped her, even after she'd seen what they did to Patrique, she too pleaded for them to spare my life. I don't understand what they saw in me anymore then I understand what John saw that would make him risk his life to try and find my body when word reached him of my death.

Understanding the whys may never happen, but there's no denying that the experience did change me, and I owe it to not just those who survived, but to Patrique as well to pay them back for the good they must have seen in me. It'll take some time for me to recover from the malaria and return to work, but, I know when I do I'll be seeing both my patients and the work I do differently. I plan to go back to the Congo when I'm well enough, this time I'll be going for the right reasons, and in a way it'll allow me to feel as if I'm repaying the debts I owe those there. For the first time in a long time I'm looking toward the future with a sense of hope and promise, I hope it's a feeling that remains for a long time.

Night Out Part 5/ Revised

2009-04-10T16:30:00.000-07:00

"What's going on?" Archie Morris dropped the chart he was carrying into the rack as he reached the Nurse's Station and noticed the cluster of people around it.

"Chicago police just notified us, they have a hostage situation, they want the Hospital to be on call for potential casualties." Frank filled the attending in on what little he knew while continuing to listen to the officer on the other end of the line.

"Somebody turn the tv on, see if they have coverage of this." The red-head was already prioritizing the cases they had in the waiting-room, deciding who could wait in the event that the situation turned ugly in a hurry.

"They have any idea on what they're looking at for numbers?" He turned his attention back to the desk clerk with the question.

"Not yet, sounds like it's only just started to play out." The desk clerk shook his head.

"There's a live newsfeed." Gates announced from in front of the set as he tuned the station in.

"All right, we need to get this place triaged, if they have no idea what we're looking at for numbers then we have to be ready for the worst." Archie glanced up to the board as he began formalizing his own plan of action.

"Do you want me to call extra people in, just in case?" Frank held the phone away from his ear, obviously finished with his call and waiting for the other man's direction for his next course of action.

"Not yet, let's see what happens first, if things have just started maybe they'll be able to talk 'em out without anyone getting hurt." Morris pulled the nearest chair closer to him as he shifted his attention to the television screen.

"Yeah, right, you still believe in the Easter Bunny too?" Tony glanced over with the crack.

"Go clear a room, Gates." Reaching for the closest pen Archie heaved it at the man. "And turn the sound up before you go."

to be continued...

Night Out Part 4/ Revised

2009-04-06T21:57:00.001-07:00

Luka had no sooner reached the cashier then the door to the restaurant slammed open with a crash as it hit the wall and three men brandishing guns entered.

"Get back, everybody, back!" The first of those started immediately shouting orders as they burst inside. The sight of the tall Croat at the register was unexpected and his immediate reaction was purely defensive. The man was too close. Rather than firing his weapon he brought the butt of the rifle he held up and slammed it into the man's temple, dropping him where he stood, instantly.

"Luka! Abby screamed as her husband went down and despite the threat of danger to herself she knew she had to go to him.

"I said stay back!" Luka's attacker dropped the barrel of the rifle to his victim's head, the unspoken threat instantly stopping her in her tracks. As the others locked the door and began herding the rest of the patrons to one side of the room, Abby was left to try and determine just how badly he was injured without even the luxury of an exam.

"Everybody, down on the floor, we want wallets, purses, jewelry...now" The men began barking orders, each shouting over the other to be heard over the voices of the terrified customers. For Abby it were as if she were watching it from the outside, while she found herself complying, she couldn't help but keep looking back to where Luka still lay on the floor, as yet unmoving.

"Please, can I see to him? I'm a doctor." It took everything in her to retain her calm as she handed over first her watch and then was forced to add her wedding ring to the growing pile on the tray held by the man before her.

"I know you didn't mean to hurt him, he just surprised you. He's my husband, please?" The oldest of the men leveled his gun on her, delaying a response as he looked first to his partners then to Luka before returning his full attention back to her.

"All right, you can check on him, but you try anything and I'll kill him and then that girl there." Using the weapon as his pointer, he chose the pre-teen from a family who had been celebrating her mother's birthday. As if the gun alone had not been enough to convince her, the tone of his voice left no doubt as to the seriousness behind his words, and while Abby appeared to remain calm, the girl and her family were far from that.

"Will you all just shut up, I swear, one more sound." The man snapped as the noise in the room grew steadily louder fueled by his own words.

"We want cell phones, Ipods, anything else like that...better get those ties and belts off too, going to need something to tie you up with." They continued manhandling their way through the other patrons, yanking off necklaces and tossing threats when someone moved too slowly to suit them.

"Joey..get everyone down on the floor by the bar...line them up there, we'll use the railing to secure them." The man who stood over Abby glanced away long enough to issue the order to the youngest of the three before turning back and nudging her with the end of the gun.

"Go if you're going, but so help me, I'll kill him where he lays and then that girl, if you try anything, you got me?" He issued the threat with the barrel still trained on her.

"Yes, I understand, I won't do anything but check on him, please just let me go to him." Her voice trembled despite her best efforts to control it.

"All right." Motioning her to stand up with the rifle, the man watched her make her way over to Luka's side, even going so far to walk across the room and stand beside her as she sank to the floor beside him.

"Luka?" Abby lifted his head onto her knee as she brushed his bangs back, feeling the sticky wetness of blood on her fingers. "Luka, come on, I need you to wake up now."

to be continued...

Night Out Part 3/ Revised

2009-03-31T21:42:00.001-07:00

Even after they had ordered and their meals had arrived, Luka found the feeling that had started as they left the movie theatre growing stronger. As he picked at his food with his fork, it was hard for Abby to ignore it any longer.

"Is something wrong with your meal?" Abby paused with her own fork in mid-bite as she asked the question.

"What?" He blinked, bringing her into focus as he realized that he was so lost in his own thoughts that he hadn't even really heard what she had said to him.

"You're not eating. I asked if there was something wrong with your meal? " She gestured to his untouched plate with her fork.

"No, it's fine, why?" As if to prove it he placed a bite of fish into his mouth.

"Nice try, but, I don't think so. What's going on, Luka?" It was Abby's turn to stop eating now, and as she made the decision to do so, she lay her own fork on the side of her plate.

"I don't know." As he answered Luka shook his head before again beginning to push the food on his plate around with his fork again.

"I just...something isn't right, I can't explain it." Catching her look at what he was doing, he forced himself to take another bite.

While she couldn't say she understood what Luka was feeling, neither was she willing to write off his feelings as nothing and after a moment she removed her napkin from her lap and wiped her mouth.

"Do you want to go?" She met his eyes firmly with the question once the decision was made. "We can take this home."

"You're sure, you don't mind?" The question was almost unnecessary and as she asked it, relief seemed to wash over his face.

"I don't mind." As she replied she found a small smile for him, hoping that he might find some additional reassurance in it. "Why don't you go pay the check and I'll have the waitress box these for us."

"Okay." With the decision made Luka rose and started for the cashier. What happened next would be something he would remember little of save for random flashes, screams of terror and then a feeling of intense pain before blackness claimed him.

to be continued...

Prompt 276: Siblings? / Theatrical Muse

2009-03-29T14:14:00.001-07:00

Are you an only child? Write about your siblings or lack thereof.

For many years I might well have been an only child. After I lost my family I had a difficult time adjusting to the new life that I was being forced into. In those first months I shut myself off from everyone. While I did call both Danijela's and my family I refused to let any of them risk the journey to Vukovar for the funerals, and once they were done, I cut off communication completely. I threw myself into my studies and my work until I was too tired to think, but, it was never enough to stop the nightmares from coming, and I relived that fateful day over and over again so many times.

After the fall of the city I barely made it out with my life, and in truth, more times then naught I wished I had not. I spent months in one of the DPC's recovering from my injuries, with my family not knowing if I was even alive and I myself wishing death would still find me. Eventually I gave up on that hope and realized I was meant to live, even if I didn't want to. Maybe that was my punishment for failing my family, maybe death was too good for me.

In time of course I had to go, I realized that I couldn't hide forever, as much as I might want to. So, as hard as it was, I found my way back to my father's house, back to where all the memories of the happiness that had been stolen from me had been born. I hated everyday I was there, and it was only made worse by the arguments that seemed to daily get worse between my brother Niko and I.

Both my father and my brother felt that being there among those who knew me, those who had known Danijela and our children was the best thing for me. They believed that reminders of our past would comfort me, and in time give me the peace I would need to move on. They were so wrong. The longer I was there the worse it became, until I reached the point where even going to the market was unbearable, and I knew if I was going to survive I'd have to leave.

Once I'd made that decision things between my brother and I fell apart, nothing I said could make him understand why I had to go, and every conversation between us ended in a fight. By the time I left for the United States we were barely speaking and some of his last words to me were of how I was nothing but a coward for running away from my problems instead of facing them.

It took almost 12 years and our father's illness for Niko and I to reconcile and we've both come a long way in that time. I'm not sure he'll ever fully understand why I had to leave anymore then I'll understand why he felt so strongly that I should stay, but, at least we're talking now. Niko's met my wife and my son, he can see that despite what he might have thought, my moving to the United States has allowed me not just to find happiness again, but to build a new family as well. As hard as it might be for him to admit now, in time he may even admit that all those years ago, I was right in leaving.

Night Out Pt 2 Revised

2009-03-27T17:30:00.001-07:00

"So." Abby looked over at Luka as she started to speak.

"So? What?" His smile surfaced again as he tried to figured out what she was going to say before she began.

"I was just thinking about how long it'd been since we had a date-night." As they walked down the sidewalk Abby found herself matching her pace to Luka's, a task made easier as he shortened his stride for her.

"Long time...before Joe was born." As if he needed the words to remind him Luka fished his cell-phone from his pocket. "Should call and see how things are going."

"Luka, We're only been gone two hours, he's fine, besides, I thought we already decided we weren't going to call. Plus, Louise knows how to reach us if there's a problem." Abby reached for his hand, only to squeeze it in reassurance as she spoke.

"Something doesn't feel right, I can't explain it." He returned the squeeze as he smiled down at her, but, the smile faded even before it fully developed.

"Do you want to go home?" Stopping in mid-stride, Abby studied his face, the change in his mood becoming contagious.

"No, that's okay, I'm sure you're right, he's fine and Louise would call if he wasn't, let's go ahead and go to the restaurant." Even as he made the decision the feeling lingered, something was off, he just couldn't put his finger on what, he could only hope that he was wrong, that it really was nothing and that dinner would pass uneventfully.

to be continued...

Night Out Pt 1 / Revision

2009-03-25T13:09:00.001-07:00

"I can't believe you talked me into seeing that." Luka held the door open for Abby as they made their way out of the theatre following the movie's end.

"What do you mean I talked you into it?" She nudged him with her elbow as she slipped past then stopped once she was on the sidewalk to wait for him. "You said you wanted to see a movie, you didn't say what kind."

"Very funny," He extended his hand to her as he reached her. "Do you know where you want to go for dinner?"

"I'll leave it up to you, since you let me choose the movie." Abby laced her fingers with his then smiled before looking up at him as he pulled her to him. "It wasn't that bad was it?"

"No, it wasn't that bad." He smiled down at her. "Do you want to call and check on Joe before we go to the restaurant?"

"You're worried about him?" Abby's face took on a more serious expression with the question.

"Not really worried, I just..." He raised a hand and brushed his bangs off his forehead. "I don't know, I just feel like we should make sure that everything is okay, you know, maybe it's the over-protective father in me."

"Luka, Curtis Ames is gone, you don't have to worry about Joe being safe." Releasing his hand Abby slid her arm around his waist as she offered the words of comfort. "But, if it would make you feel better, and you still want to call and check on him we can." Somehow she managed to smile, hoping he would find some reassurance in it.

"No, you're right, he'll be fine with Louise, and she has both of our cell numbers if she needs to reach us." He managed to find a small smile of his own for her.

"So, you don't have anything special you're in the mood for, Chinese, Italian?" He forced his mind off the unwarranted concern and onto the meal ahead as they began to walk toward their car.

To be continued...

Luka Kovac/ ER/ Chickenpox / 10 Hurt Comfort

2009-03-24T20:18:00.000-07:00

Uh Oh

"Tata home!."Joe's squeal, was quickly followed by the clomp of him running to the door to greet his father. While it was a nightly event, or at least nightly on those days when Luka had a shift, Abby found herself stopping what she was doing as the normal reaction to the toddler's attack did not happen. Snagging a dishtowel on her way out of the kitchen, she was surprised to find both her husband and son already settled on the couch with Sponge Bob on the tv when she found them.

"Luka, are you all right?" It was hard for her not to ask the question as she took in the Croat's appearance, from the flush in his face, to the general look of a fatigue.

"Long day..." If he'd meant to say more it was lost to his cough as he turned his head to avoid exposing Joe.

"It looks like more then that." As she touched his forehead, Abby immediately frowned.

"You are running a temperature. Let me take Joe, I want you to go to bed, I'll bring some Tylenol up in a minute." Before he could protest, she had already moved around the couch to take their son.

Abby, you're over-reacting, I'm just tired." As he saw that his words were falling on deaf ears he reluctantly rose.

"All right, you win, I'll take a nap."

After settling Joe at the table with something to eat, Abby made her way up the stairs to check on Luka. Ever since his return from the Congo they'd known his malaria might return, was that what was happening now? She heard heard his coughing even before she entered the room, and as she took a seat on the edge of the bed she could feel the heat coming off of him. His fever was climbing.

"Luka, I need you to take these." When it took several attempts for Abby to rouse him and get him alert enough to take the tablets, her fear of the malaria's reappearance only grew.

"I'm going to get a washcloth for your head." As she spoke, she brushed his damp bangs away from his face, before rearranging the comforter that he'd hastily pulled over him when he'd first laid down. By the time she returned, he'd returned to his fitful sleep, and she knew, her night would be one spent watching him and worrying that far worse would be coming.

Over the next several hours she checked on her husband often, trading one washcloth for another to try and comfort him. When Joe was finally put to bed she move permanently to his side, taking the work she still needed to do with her. First up, Joe's backpack, from the day he'd started in daycare she'd fallen into the habit of leaving the sorting of it's contents until the end of the day. In fact, she was almost sure that Luka was in the habit of going through it before even getting home, even if she'd never called him on it.

Unzipping the bag , she first pulled out a shirt and pair of pants, both in need of a wash, then dropped them on the floor. What came next was a little unexpected, it wasn't like Joe to get warning notes, but that's what the heading said, or did it. With her full attention on the piece of paper she began reading, and the further she got into it, the deeper the furrow between her brows got.

"You have got to be kidding me." She glanced quickly up from the paper as Luka again coughed in his sleep. It was too much of a stretch. So what if a couple of kids in the daycare had turned up with chickenpox, Joe had been vaccinated, he wouldn't bring it home. But, how many times in the last week had he been the one to pick Joe up? Had he had chickenpox as a child or ever been vaccinated for it? As she sat there watching her husband's restless sleep, Abby knew her questions were not going to gain any answers and the next best thing would be to examine him, maybe there were symptoms beyond the fever, cough and fatigue he was already showing.

Replacing the papers in Joe's bag, she sat it on the floor before going to Luka's side and removing the now dry washcloth so she could feel his forehead. His fever had yet to break, and from the sound of his cough, it seemed to be settling deeper into his chest. Spots, she needed to see if he had any of them. Pulling aside the comforter he'd buried himself under, she rolled him to his back so she could unbutton his shirt. As she fumbled at the buttons she couldn't help chastising him at the same time for not having undressed. What was he thinking? When she raised his tee shirt to look at his stomach and chest, her actions roused him enough that he attempted to push her hands away.

"Luka, stop, Luka." There was no fight in him to resist her and she easily captured his hands with one of hers, and there they were, not many, but a good start.

"Shit." Rolling him to his side, she repeated the inspection on his back, only to find even more evidence of the chickenpox. This was not going to be fun, she knew it already, but, at least there was a good side to it all. Knowing he'd caught the chickenpox, ruled out the early worry that his malaria had resurfaced, and if she had to choose one over the other, she'd rather stock up on the Calamine lotion and Aveeno bath and suffer through him itching.

Prompt 78.5.D: Carousel Pic/Writers Muses

2009-03-21T18:23:00.000-07:00

It's funny how quickly we're adjusting to life in Boston. Both Abby and I had held doubts about leaving our friends in Chicago, about leaving County. Of course, that choice had already been made for me when my father took ill, but, it hadn't made the decision any easier. With all that had happened in the months I was away, we both knew, if our marriage had any hope of surviving, we had to start over, and Boston seemed as good a place as any. The City held the keys to our future, and we are determined to make the most of it.

One of the first things both Abby and I decided with the move was that we needed the time apart each day that working in different facilities gave us. So, while she took a position in Emergency Medicine at Massachusetts General Hospital, I took one at The Kaplan Family Hospice House. There was something about working at the Hospice in Chicago and especially spending time with Walter that made me realize that there was more to medicine then just the fast pace of the ER, and this seems to be it for me.

One of the other things that has been important for us is making sure that Joe has time not just with children his own age, but time with both Abby and I. Unlike Chicago, we've decided to use daycare instead of a nanny for him, and several days a week we trade play-dates with two other families. The times we seem to enjoy most though are those when both Abby and I have a shared day off and we can take Joe out to see the City. It was on one of those outings that we first found the Carousel on Nantasket Pier, and after experiencing Joe's excitement, it's now a place we visit regularly. In fact, when we learned that the entire Carousel could be rented for birthday parties, we knew that it was the perfect way to celebrate Joe turning three.

It's funny, less then six months ago Abby and I were convinced we had made mistakes we couldn't undo and we were on the verge of losing everything we had between us. It would have been so easy to have walked away, but, we didn't, we took a chance and look at us now, we've become stronger for the experience in every way possible. Our life is here in Boston, our future is here, and for the first time in my life I actually believe that the life I thought I would only have within my memories of Danijela is possible with Abby. Who would have thought?

Prompt 2009.10.A.3. You bought an antique book, and when you open it up, a note drops out./RotM

2009-03-15T23:25:00.000-07:00

So Many Questions

"Luka, it's so good to hear your voice. How's Joe doing?" As he shifted the phone from one ear to the other, there was no denying that Abby's voice held a sadness to it that betrayed the forced lightness in her words.

"He's good, Niko took him to the market with him. We miss you." If only she knew how much. The thought followed his words before he could catch it.

"How are you doing? Are you coming soon?" There were so many questions he wanted to ask her, so many more he knew he didn't dare ask.

"I don't know, this isn't easy." She didn't want to talk about her rehab, she didn't want to think about the mistakes she'd made that had resulted in her being where she was instead of with her husband and son.

"I know, it won't be much longer though, you'll be here, and I can show you all the places I've wanted to for so long." As he spoke, Luka reached for a book that sat on the table beside where he stood. The leather cover was cracked and worn, the gold embossed title long ago faded. As he opened it, he withdrew several yellowed sheets of folded paper.

"I've been thinking a lot about all the time we've spent apart. We're not the first to go through this, what we have, you, Joe, and I, nothing can take that from us." As he unfolded the papers, his eyes scanned the cramped handwriting, his words echoed by the author's so many years before. How many other marriages had been tested as they were being tested now? How many had failed to overcome the obstacles of distance, of lives changed by those very same separations? How many others had been strengthened by those challenges? How many had survived to grow old and die together? As he turned to the last of the pages, he was disappointed to find they held no answers to his questions. Had these two been among those to survive their time apart? The answer was one he would never know, but, he could fight to save what he and Abby had.

"Luka, are you still there?" Abby's voice broke into his thoughts, bringing him back to the conversation.

"I have to go, I'll call again tomorrow if I can, kiss Joe for me." As much as she wanted to respond to his words, Abby knew she couldn't not this way, not on the phone.

"I will, I just wish he was here so you could talk to him." He hated having to say good-bye to her, because no matter how long they spoke, it was never long enough.

"I love you so much, Luka, please don't give up on me. I have to go." There was no ignoring the break in her voice, and despite the distance that separated them he knew she'd been brought to tears.

"I love you too, Abby." Had she heard him? The dial-tone in his ear made him wonder if his words had come too late. She had to know, even if the call had ended too soon. Why did it have to be so hard? The question reminded him of the notes he still held, and he couldn't help but wonder, had she too asked that question all those years before?

March 006 Foggy Town/ Creative Muses

2009-03-15T18:22:00.000-07:00

"Luka, come to the market with me." Josip Kovac stuck his head in his youngest son's room as he made the request. It had been three weeks since Luka had found his way back to them, and in that time he'd barely left the spare room he now called his own, let alone the house.

"Tata, no." Rolling to his side, he turned his back to the door.

"Son, you can't live the rest of your life like this." It took everything the man had in him not to approach the bed. He knew his son was grieving, he knew his son needed time, but, it had already been nearly six months, and if he didn't start finding his way back from the dark place he was living in.

"Tata, please, just leave me alone." The pain in his son's voice ripped through the man's heart. It would be so easy to do as he asked, to leave him with his memories, with the photo of those lost to him forever.

"I can't, Luka, I'm sorry, I love you too much to let you do this to yourself anymore." As he finally reached his limit, Josip Kovac approached the bed and took a tentative seat on the edge before gently touching his son's shoulder.

"Danijela wouldn't want you living like this, you know that, Luka." As he felt the tremble under his hand it was all he could do to remain as he was.

"Do you remember how much Jasna enjoyed going to the market with us when she was little? How she would eat so many strawberries her face would be stained red, and Danijela would pretend to be so angry when we got back?" As impossible as it seemed he couldn't help but laugh as the memory surfaced.

"I miss them so much, Tata." For the first time since his father had entered the room, the younger man turned to face him.

"I know, Luka, you always will, but, it'll get easier, I promise. Now, go wash your face and put on a clean shirt, we'll go to the market and maybe if we're lucky, we'll find some strawberries to bring back." Extending his hand, he brushed the tears from his son's cheeks with his fingertips.

"It'll get better, I promise, now go, I'll wait for you on the front step."

Prompt 274:What question do you most dread?/Theatrical Muse

2009-03-14T15:03:00.000-07:00

There was a time when I dreaded being asked if I had children because, even though Jasna and Marko had been taken from me, I still considered myself their Tata. I can't tell you how many nights I woke with the sound of their voices in my ears, hearing them calling me and knowing I could never answer that call. I reached a point that I avoided parks, passing by schools, beaches, anywhere that I might risk hearing a child's cry for their Tata, because I knew I would think it was them, even if only for that split second when hope wished them alive.

It was the same when people asked me if I was married, because I knew in my heart that no matter how many years passed, my love for Danijela would never falter. She was my wife, the mother of our children, and despite how I had lost her, nothing could change that. It took me almost 9 years before I could see anyone else and not feel I was cheating on her, and even then it still didn't feel right. I couldn't know that there were still issues I had to resolve, and until I did, I could never move on.

It took time, but, I finally succeeded. It's been 18 years now, and I no longer dread those questions. I have a new family now, a wife and a son I love, and a new life without the burden of sadness hanging on it. There are still nights when I hear the call of those long gone, still times when I wake to the memory of their faces, but, I no longer dread them, and though some come with sadness, far more come with memories of the happier times we spent, and it's those I treasure the most.

Almost/Couples Therapy

2009-03-14T14:18:00.000-07:00

We almost threw it all away because of stupid mistakes we'd both made. Before we made the decision to leave Chicago, Abby and I weren't even sure our marriage would even survive everything we'd been through over the last year. Here we are though, in a new City, with new jobs, new friends, a new life, and as difficult as it has been, we're finding ways to let the pain we caused each other go.

When the news first came of my father's illness, there was no question that I had to go back to Croatia to see him. If I had been thinking with a clear head, I'd have done whatever I could to take Abby and Joe with me. I wanted so badly for him to meet them, to know them and love them as much as I do. After everything happened, I couldn't help but wonder if it all couldn't have been prevented if only I'd waited for Joe's passport. If Abby and Joe had been there instead of Chicago, she'd never have become so overwhelmed by what was happening with her life. She'd never have started drinking again, she'd never have put our son's life in danger, she'd never have cheated on what we had with her boss. All of those things that came from my being gone so long could have been prevented.

It was hard coming home and feeling something wasn't right, then, learning the truth of what my absence had cost us. How do I reconcile myself to knowing that while I was worrying about whether my father would live or die, she was trying to escape from everything in a bottle. How do I apologize to my son for abandoning him for my father, because in a way I know I did just that. For almost 6 months I left him, and all I could teach him, to be at my father's side, even knowing there was little I could do for him. But, even knowing that, how could I not? He was still my Tata. He was the one who had nursed my bruises when I'd fallen as a child, the one who'd soothed the demons of my nightmares. He'd been the one to try and ease the pain the loss of my family had cost me, and hardest of all, he'd let me go when I knew I could no longer stay in Croatia and face all of the reminders of those losses.

I couldn't have known my being with him would almost cost me this family, but, even if I had, how could I possibly choose between them? How could I say one was more important to me then the other, when in truth I needed both to be who I am. Abby and I are still not fully back where we once were, but, everyday seems to find us closer, and I no longer fear that we'll lose what we have. We're a family, and we're in this for forever, I'm sure of it now.

Prompt 39.3. Burn the midnight oil/ On The Couch

2009-03-08T20:23:00.000-07:00

One of the issues that has repeatedly posed problems in my relationship with Abby, since the very beginning have been my feelings toward my first wife.

Danijela and I met when we were both very young and we immediately fell in love. As far as either of us were concerned we knew from that first moment that we were destined to spend the rest of our lives together and as soon as Danijela turned 18, we were married. I entered medicine because I not only wanted to help people, but, to give my family the life I felt they deserved. When first Jasna arrived, and years later, Marko, I knew that the sacrifices we'd been forced to make for my career were the right ones. All those hours I'd spent burning the midnight oil, my nose deep in text-books while Danijela was forced to handle the day problems of raising the children, as hard as it was, we knew it was for our children, for our family. How were either of us to know, that those same goals we had for bettering our family would instead be the means for it's destruction? That my doing what I thought was best for my family would instead end in their deaths?

It took me eight years following the loss of my family before I even thought about dating again, and even then, it was because of how much I missed being a father that led me down the path. When I started seeing Carol, I told myself it wasn't for her, it was about Kate and Tess, they needed a father in their lives, as much as I needed to be one again. I told myself I could make myself feel what I needed to feel just to be a father, but, in the end, Carol knew the truth. She knew that her life belonged with their father and I had to understand because what she felt for him, is what I still felt for Danijela.

In a way, I guess you could say Abby was a rebound the first time we got together. She made the first move. Maybe I should have taken what happened that night as a sign that we weren't ready to be together, but, I didn't and we prolonged things for over a year. I tried to tell my left I was feeling something for her, but, the truth was, I couldn't help feeling that I was cheating on Danijela when I was with her and it was only a matter of time before she saw it too. When we finally broke up, we said the ugliest things to each other, things neither of us meant, things that were only meant to hurt.

I guess it took being away from Abby for me to realize that we had more between us then I realized, because once she was gone, I missed her friendship so much. I was lost, and as a result my life began to fall apart in every sense of the word. I became someone I no longer recognized, and even worse, someone I hated. As if all of that weren't enough, I was forced to watch Abby move into another relationship and I found myself bitten by the bitterness of a jealousy I didn't know I was capable of possessing. When my attitude and my behavior began to affect my care of my patients I knew I had to do something, and that decision very nearly cost me my life.

When I returned from the Congo, I came back a different person, or, I thought I did. I learned too late that the mistake I'd made with Carol and the twins, was one I would revisit with Sam and Alex. Despite all of the changes I'd made, all of the lessons I'd learned, I still wanted to be a father, and I was willing to do whatever I needed to, in order to make that happen, or so I told myself. The truth was, I again with Sam, revisited my mistakes with Abby, and I allowed my continued love for Danijela, to affect how I related to her. I couldn't explain to Sam, anymore then I'd been able to explain to Abby, why I needed to continue to hold my feelings for Danijela so close, and in the end, it was too much for her.

My return from the Congo marked not just a transformation for me, but, for Abby as well as I brought back the news that Carter was ending his relationship with her. During the time I was recovering and later as Sam and I entered into our own relationship, we found we were able to rebuild the friendship we had all but lost. When Sam decided that what I wanted and what she wanted were too different to make things works, it seemed only natural for Abby to be there to pick up the pieces as my grief at once again losing my hopes at a family threatened to undo all of my gains.

That Abby and I are now married and have a son of our own shows just how far we both have come. We've both found ways to balance not just our lives together, but, those parts of our pasts that we know we can never let go. It's not easy, and I know we will always have times when one or the other of us may falter, but, we're trying, and I can't help but feel that this time will be forever.

A Day at the Beach/ Writers Muses

2009-02-21T20:02:00.000-08:00

How were they supposed to make a decision like this? Their families were here, Jasna wasn't even two, and still, he was expected to take them away from everyone and everything they knew so he could go to school in Vukovar. He'd brought them to the beach as a treat, a way of making up for all of the hours he'd left them alone already. At least here Danijela could call her sister or mother when she needed company, or when the baby became too much for her, at least here she had her friends.

Watching the two of them now as they stood at the water's edge he couldn't help but feel selfish. What right did he have to demand so many sacrifices of them? Maybe he should talk to Danijela about staying behind, she and Jasna could move in with either of their parents, and as hard as it would be to be away from them, he could go to Vukovar alone. How long would they be separated, a few years? They'd have a lifetime to make up for that, and in between he would find a way back to visit as often as he could.

"Luka, aren't you coming down to the water?" Danijela's call drew him out of his thoughts and he looked up in time to see his daughter running to him.

"Yeah, I'm coming." Shaking off the remainder of his concerns he rose and scooped Jasna up as she reached him, holding her high over his head as she squealed her delight. The discussion would be there when they they got home, today was meant for happier thoughts. As he settled the toddler on his hip he gave her a kiss.

"Ready for a swim? Let's go see Mama." His smile broadened as he reached his wife and as soon as he embraced her it was as if his earlier worries were nothing more then smoke, gone with the wave of a hand. As he lowered Jasna to the sand he was sure whatever decision they made would be the right one, they were meant for each other, they'd known it from the moment they'd met, and nothing could change that.

Prompt 271: Talk about a time you were sick. /Theatrical Muse

2009-02-21T14:01:00.000-08:00

(Set in 2004/season 10)

He hadn't been sure what to expect from his arrival back at County. Despite the time he'd spent in the clinic in Kisangani, he was still weak, the Malaria, while starting to come under control, still robbed him of strength he didn't have to spare. If he'd had his way, he'd have gone straight home as soon as they'd arrived in the City, but, even knowing Gillian had flown back with him hadn't been enough for them to budge on his admission. Whatever arrangements that Carter had set in motion in the Congo seemed unbreakable and so, here he was, at the mercy of the doctors and nurses entrusted with his care during his recovery.

As he lay in the hospital bed, he'd almost convinced himself that the worst part of being back was dealing with all of those who kept coming by to see how he was. Each time one of them knocked on the door, he was forced to face reminders of his behavior before he'd tried to find his escape in the Congo, even if they never brought it up.

Today though was different. For some reason the symptoms of his malaria had worsened through-out the night and despite adjusting his medications to counter the changes, they'd so far seemed to have little effect. With his immune system already compromised, a "No Visitors" sign was placed on his door, so, with the exception of his doctors and the few nurses assigned to his care, he would be left alone. Alone, with only his thoughts for companionship, in his eye the prospect was almost as dangerous as dealing with all of his well intentioned visitors.

"Good morning, Dr. Kovac, I hear you had a rough night." As she entered his room, his nurse, Elyse approached his bed, moving first to refill his pitcher with fresh water before continuing.

"Morning, yeah, pretty bad." Even as he answered Luka found himself struggling with the worsening symptoms.

"Can you tell me what all's been going on?" Pulling a small tablet from her pocket, she readied herself to take notes on his complaints.

"It started about 7 or 8 last night, just, um, headache and chills for starters, oh, um, yeah, I guess dinner didn't stay with me either, but, I didn't think it was anything to worry about at the time."

"What about now?" She quickly jotted notes about his complaints on the pad then raised her eyes to him as she waited for him to continue.

"I'm tired, and still have a headache, kind of hard to focus on specifics, I feel congested too." As he relayed the short list of his complaints, Luka knew that he was fighting even more that he hadn't mentioned.

"Let's get your vitals, and I have a couple of pills for you to take. Someone will be in to draw blood too so we have the results before the doctor comes in to see you." Setting her notes aside, she started first with his temperature, then pulse, and blood pressure. As she finished she tucked his blankets around him.

"Do you need another blanket?" Her concern for his deteriorating condition crept into the question and before he could answer she had already retrieved one from the closet.

"I'm okay." While he tried to wave off the woman's fussing, she, clearly was not to be swayed and after covering him, she took a few more minutes to tuck the sides around him.

I want you to try and rest, I'm going to call the doctor and see if he can see you sooner. I'll be back to check on you in a little while. I don't want you getting out of bed on your own, so, if you think you need to get up, use your buzzer. I'll leave a basin here on the bedstand, in case you can't wait, all right?"

"Yeah." As nice as the nurse was, it was almost a relief when Elyse left, he wasn't sure how much more of the hovering he could handle, and he didn't want to hurt her feelings since she likely didn't even see it as that. Truth was, as the morning progressed he was finding the similarities to how he'd felt in the clinic too close. As his brain made the connection he grabbed for the basin and within seconds was at the mercy of his purging stomach, by the time it subsided, his shirt was damp with sweat, and it took all his remaining strength to simply return it to the bedstand before retreating under his blankets. He needed to try and sleep, but the continued pounding of his head was making that almost impossible, and despite the instruction to call if he needed anything, he knew, there was little that could be done except for him to ride it out. As his stomach rose yet again, he snaked a hand out to secure the basin. On second thought, maybe he'd be lucky and die first.

Prompt 6.B.1: Three Ghosts/Realm of the Muse

2009-02-19T00:20:00.000-08:00

(You've been visited by three ghosts, in one night. Past. Present. Future. Tell the story.)

Three Ghosts Cometh

The first vist...

"Luka, can you hear me my love?" It was Danijela's voice that woke him, inching him toward consciousness in the darkness of the tiny hut. For a moment he was convinced he could feel the touch of her fingers as they trailed along his jaw, the action familiar enough to bring tears to his eyes even after all the years that had passed without his knowing it. When it was followed by the brush of her lips against his he couldn't help but question whether the malaria's fever was leading him places he'd rather have avoided.

"Luka, open your eyes, it's been too long since I've seen them." Even as he knew it was impossible, Luka was sure he felt his wife's lips once more touch his skin as she touched a kiss to each lid. As hard as it was to give into the dream, he knew he could no longer resist the chance to see her face again, and as she drew back he finally gave in.

"Danijela." How was it possible? In that moment that his eyes caught hers nothing else around them existed, all he could think about was how much he loved her, how much he'd missed her, and how much he wanted to feel her in his arms again. As weak as he was he forced himself to sit, ignoring the wave of dizziness that swept over him he pulled her close.

"Danijela, I've missed you so much." It was his turn to kiss her, to inhale her scent.

"You're so beautiful." It was only as she wiped his tears from his cheeks that he realized he was crying and as his wife smiled at him, he found it hard not to do the same for her.

"Don't be sad, Luka, we don't have much time, I want you to remember our time now with love, not tears." Frozen at the time of her death, Danijela still held the innocence of her 25 years of life mixed with the joys of motherhood and the knowledge that she had found her one true love.

"How is this possible?" He hated asking the question and as soon as the words were released he found himself gripped by the fear that whoever was permitting them their reunion would snatch it away from them before he was ready to let her go again.

"Don't ask, I can't answer that, I just know we don't have much time, and I have to talk to you." After so many years away from him, it was as hard for Danijela as it was for Luka, and she leaned into him, finding safety in the comfort of his arms once again.

"Danijela..." A finger to his lips silenced him before he could say anything more. As her eyes swept over him, it was impossible for her not to notice the sheen of sweat on his skin, and the paleness accompanying it.

"Lay down, Luka, you need to rest, we can still talk." As she coaxed him back down onto the pallet she couldn't not curl against him before beginning to stroke his face.

"Luka, I know you love the children and I, you always will, but, you have to start living again my love. You can't stop your life because we're no longer with you, and you can't keep blaming yourself for our not being with you." It was Danijela's turn to cry, but, without knowing how long they had, she knew she couldn't stop.

"You couldn't have known what would happen when you left the apartment that day, I know that, and Jasna knew you did everything you could to save us. Our lives are over now, but, you still have yours, live it for us, my love, do all of those things we always wanted for our children. Luka, you were such a wonderful father, you still have time to know that joy again, please find someone, for me, for our children, don't waste everything that makes you who you are." By the time she finished they were both in tears and she again silenced him with a kiss.

"No more talk, Luka, just hold me, and know I will always, always love you, now, sleep." It might have been minutes, more likely though it took only seconds for the slow stroking of her fingers at his temples to lull him back into sleep, and in that moment before she vanished, she placed a final kiss upon his lips.

"Farewell, my love." The words remained behind as she vanished, little more then particles of dust settling around him.

The second visit...

"I think I'd rather we met in the bar than this place." The smell of the prostitute's perfume filled the hut, and as much of a shock it had been to wake earlier to find Danijela at his side, it was even more of one to now see Valerie. How could he have possibly explained the woman to his wife, explained to her what he had done, and the man he had become since her death.

"It really is disgusting here, and I'm charging extra for the conditions, I expect better than this, I'm not some $20 an hour crack whore after all , I thought you understood that. The blond had somehow found a chair and as she now crossed her legs, she smoothed her skirt across her lap.

"I've never seen this side of you, I'm not sure I like it." Opening her purse, she withdrew a cigarette, and after sliding it between her perfectly lined lips, she proceeded to light it.

"Would you like one?" She offered the pack, only to return it to her purse at his refusal.

"Fine, have it your way." Reaching for the one she held between her lips, she removed it only long enough to release a slow stream of smoke.

"I've been thinking about you, this place isn't for you, if you ask me, this humanitarian crap is over-rated, we'd have more fun back in Chicago. You do have fun when you're with me, don't you?" As she asked the question, Valerie rose and walked over to the pallet on which he now sat. Despite a brief lapse where she wrinkled her nose at the smell, the woman settled down beside him as if she were taking a seat on the finest satin comforter.

"We could set up regular play-dates, drinks, dinner, and then I'd treat you like you deserve to be treated, you'd like that, I know you would." Her voice grew quieter the closer she got, until it was little more than a whisper before she caught his earlobe between his teeth. Using that as a distraction she trailed a hand down his chest before stopping as she cupped her hand around him. When the action elicited a gasp, and was immediately followed by a stirring from him in response, she couldn't help but laugh.

"See, you do want me, nothing has to change, all you have to do is go back to Chicago and we can pick up right where we left off." Taking advantage of his show of weakness she cast her cigarette into the dirt before pushing him back with her free hand so she could straddle him. You don't have to listen to anyone but your body, this is all you need, the rest means nothing." With him pinned under her weight she slid her hands inside his pants so she could stroke him.

"What could be better than this?" At his groan in response she again laughed, yes, this was all he needed, she was sure of it, and in time he would come to realize it as well.

The third and final visit...

"They said you were dead, but I didn't believe them, not you, not after everything you've been through." Luka moaned softly as the words crept into his head.

"No more...no more." Rolling to his side he drew his knees up before tucking his head down to touch them. He couldn't take anymore of this, he wanted nothing more now but for it to stop.

"I'm not going anywhere, Luka, you should know that by now." It took him longer to identify the speaker's voice, and as it registered he raised his head before rolling to his other side so he could see her.

"Abby?" He blinked several times in disbelief, deciding her appearance made no more sense then had those of Danijela's and Valerie's. If he touched her, would she too seem as real?

"You have to come back to me Luka, you may not see why now, but in time you will. I have to warn you though, it's not going to be easy, but, when has it been for us? Do you remember our first date? Nothing will ever be as bad as that, but you have to want to leave this place, you can't just lay here and give up." For the first time Abby reached over to touch him.

"What have they done to you?" She touched each bruise and cut on his face as if she could somehow heal them before letting her hand drop.

"I told you not to come here, but, you wouldn't listen, you have to listen now, you have to want to come back, if you don't, you'll die here. Carter's looking for you, Luka, you have to hang on until he finds you, promise me you won't give up. Promise me." To emphasize her words she took his hand in hers and squeezed it as tightly as she could.

"Say it, Luka...say you won't give up or so help me I will haunt you." She could feel the tears building as she demanded the promise from him and at the same time she felt the pull that signaled her time with him was almost at it's end.

"I'll be there for you when you come home, but, you have to hang on, now, promise me you won't give up." She caught his gaze as she tried to force him into the promise she knew he would honor once it was made.

"I promise." His words came quietly and even as he made them he wondered if he was making them for her or for himself, it would only be later that Danijela's words to him would return and he would remember she'd asked him to live for her and the children as well.

"I'll be waiting for you, Luka, no matter how long it takes, just hold on, Carter will find you, I promise you that." It was only then that Abby gave in and fully approached him, then, using her words as permission she kissed him.

"Don't give up on him, Luka...don't give up me." Abby was allowed one more kiss before she too was gone, and in the darkness of the tiny hut Luka was left wondering about the vividness of the dreams that had touched him as he drifted back into his fever fueled sleep.

Prompt 37.1. What have you changed?/ On The Couch

2009-02-17T18:26:00.000-08:00

Nothing, and everything, at times I wonder. I start to think that I've figured things out, that I've done what I need to do in order to get my life back on track and then something else happens to derail it. I'm hoping that this move to Boston that Abby and I have made will be the final step in that process.

There's no denying that we've both made mistakes in our relationship. There's no point in going back and pointing fingers, saying one of us is more responsible than the other, or that what she did was any more destructive then the results of my actions. What would any of that have accomplished except to have caused even more harm than had already been done?

I think that's what made us decide that we had to leave Chicago and all that was tied to our life there. It took some time to make that decision, and it wasn't easy, but, we knew our marriage and what we were building was worth saving and we might not be able to do that with the constant reminders that were there.

Was it the right decision, only time will tell. Leaving Chicago meant more than walking away from our careers, it meant saying good-bye to good friends as well, friends who had seen us through the ups and downs of our relationship even before we knew we wanted to make it forever.

I can't think about leaving though without thinking about those who left before us, some by choice, and some through fate, taken by God's hand whether they were ready to leave or not. Nothing can take away the impact they had on helping us become the people we are today, and if we're lucky we'll find people just as valuable in Boston. People who will guide us as we embark on this next stage of our lives and onto the future we'll be setting in motion for Joe.

Life is all about changes, some good, some bad, and as certain as day turns to night they will always be there. I hope that those Abby and I face in the future will be ones of our choosing made out of desire rather than need, but, if not, then we'll face those as we have faced these lessons, and hopefully we'll learn from them. We can't ask for anything more.

February Prompt 002: Talisman /Creative Muses

2009-02-16T20:31:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure how much I ever believed in talismans until I went to the Congo and found my life spared by something as small as the crucifix that Sakima had insisted I take with her gratitude. She and her daughter had nothing but the clothes on their backs, yet she demanded I take something so personal, and I was at a loss for how to refuse her.

For so many years I had turned my back on the church and there, in that place, seeing what I saw, knowing that Patrique sacrificed his life in an attempt to save mine, how could I do anything less than grab for it again. I was raised to believe that my faith would protect me, but, there, in that place, it seemed so impossible to believe. I tried to sense God's presence, but, all I could feel was the fear around me, and as one by one those kneeling with me were led to their death's I began to doubt he was near. And then I was alone.

How do I begin to explain the dread I felt when I realized that I was the last one there in that compound? It didn't seem to matter anymore if I remained kneeling, what more could they do to me then what I knew was to come? For the first time in hours I simply sat and tried to resolve myself to what was to come. I was beyond thinking about what would happen to Sakima and Chance, my own death was imminent, and I needed to make my peace with it.

It was only as I once more climbed to my knees that I began to hear the music, and somewhere deep inside of me I found comfort in that. Despite all my years away the prayers came back to me easily and as I whispered them for my comfort, the world around me seemed to fade away. I was sure then that it wouldn't be long and I would once more be reunited with Danijela and my children and we would once more be a family. How could I have have known that a simple crucifix held the power to change everything.

I wasn't aware that I'd drawn the attention of the Mai Mai, I wasn't aware that the sight of the crucifix around my neck would prompt Sakima to put my life above that of her own life and that of her daughter's as she fought to save me. I only know that one moment I faced death, and then sometime later I woke in a tiny hut, fevered, amid stifling heat, but, somehow still alive. I'll never know for sure what might have happened to me if it hadn't been for that crucifix or for those who put my life before theirs, I only know I will never be able to repay them for the sacrifices they made to save me. I'm forever in their debt.

Prompt 52.3: Candy Hearts...Marry Me/ Couples Therapy

2009-02-16T18:17:00.000-08:00

How do you put into words the emotions that run through you in those moments just before you say those two words that you know will change your life forever?

When I'd asked Danijela to marry me all those years ago, we had both been sure that we would be together for the rest of our lives. We were so young, so innocent, and all that mattered was our love and being together. We couldn't wait to welcome children into our lives, to show them the love our parents had shown us, to impart the wisdom that we'd been given, to know the joy that our parents must have known as we watched them grow. Little could we know that few of the dreams we had for our life would come true, that the years we'd thought we would have to look forward to would be cut so short. I lost my first love, my wife Danijela after little more than five years of marriage, our daughter, Jasna was only a few months younger, our son, Marko, had barely reached 18 months of age. I was sure my life was over, sure I was destined to die alone with only my grief for companionship.

When I left Croatia, my brother accused me of running away, in truth I knew that if I had any hope for a life it had to be somewhere far from the reminders of those I had lost. Even then, for the longest time I from myself drifting into relationships that I thought would allow me to recapture what I'd had with Danijela. Some saw it for what it was, others, like Abby the first time we were together, realized that I wasn't ready to give up my love for Danijela, that I needed more time, even if I wasn't able to see it.

Over the years that passed, Abby and I formed a friendship that hadn't existed between us when we'd first dated. It took time, but I finally understood what she had seen in me, and I finally saw that the need that I'd been trying to fill with sex never would have allowed for anything more because there wasn't any room for anyone but Danijela. It was only when I could let her go, that we stood a chance, and while she may never have said it, she knew when the time was right we'd both feel it.

I don't think either of us expected for her to get pregnant before we knew where our renewed relationship was going, it was just one of those things that happened. I dreaded the time it took for her to decide if she'd keep him, I wanted Joe from the moment I knew he held life inside of her, but, it was her choice, and as hard as it would be, I had to support her decision. The months that followed were trying, but we grew as a couple and once Joe was born and we had him home, I knew I wanted to make Abby my wife. It took longer for Abby, but the day finally came. While once I might not have believed it, the day did come when I asked her to marry me again and when she accepted, I knew I had found love again, and this time it would be forever.

February Prompt 004:Hate / Artistic License

2009-02-16T16:05:00.000-08:00

They keep asking me how I feel and all I can think to wonder is how am I supposed to feel? I nearly lost my life, as did Abby, and my son still struggles for his. None of this should have happened, and all I can think of is how much I hate those responsible, and how if they weren't already dead I would kill them myself.

It's hard to keep these feelings to myself but, with everything else that's going on it doesn't matter what's going on in my head. I need to keep my focus on Joe, and Abby, and somewhere in there I have to concentrate on my patients, and I'm starting to wonder if I have enough room in my head to keep the hatred hidden away.

Standing in the NICU, seeing my son laying there, so fragile, his tiny body swallowed up by tubes and wires, it's not fair. If Steve and his friends had never come here none of this would have happened. If they had never escaped he'd still be growing safe in his mother's womb, protected from harm until it was his time to be born.

They forced this on him, forced this on all of us, and I worry about what his future holds with his having been born so early. I'm a doctor, I know the risks, and as frightened as I am of what all this could do to him I know I'll love him with all my heart no matter what.

How do I keep all of these fears from Abby though, how do I keep my anger at bay when all I want to do is scream at the top of my lungs or break something? I hate having no one to confide in, I hate having to be the strong one all of the time, but, what else can I do? Abby needs my strength more then ever and whatever I'm feeling has to feel worse to her. I promised her I would be there for her, and when she needed me most, where was I?

Even as I know that all of this was beyond my control, I can't help feeling like I've failed not just Abby, but my son as well. If I couldn't protect Joe before he was born, how can I be sure I'll be there when when he needs me in the future. Maybe that's my greatest fear, that I'll fail him as I failed Jasna and Marko. Maybe I've misplaced my hate all along, and instead of Steve and the others it's really my own actions that I'm holding responsible. Maybe one day I'll be able to put it to rest and forgive myself, but, for today, all I can do is hit my knees and pray that he'll make it one more day, because each day brings more hope that he'll live.

Prompt 48.5: Discuss something unexpected that happened in your relationship./ Couple's Therapy

2009-01-30T19:54:00.001-08:00

I used to think that the most important thing in my life was my goal to become a Doctor. I was raised by working parents and we didn't have much growing up, but we were happy, and healthy. I think I saw medicine as a way to pay back for all I'd received and at the same time I knew I'd be able to provide for my parents as they grew older. When I met Danijela my entire focus shifted and from the moment I saw her, I knew without a doubt, that I would marry her. Danijela and I were both Catholics, as were our families so there was never a question of her using birth control, if God wanted us to have children, then we would have them. It wasn't until I held my firstborn, my daughter, in my arms that my entire purpose in life seemed to shift. No longer was I Luka Kovac, Medical Student and Husband, no, on that day I became, Luka Kovac, Tata, Husband, and Medical Student.

Losing my children left a hole in me that I thought I would never be able to fill again. Oh, I tried over the years, I'd find myself with women who I knew I wasn't really attracted to, or ones who had children already. I told myself that if I couldn't have my own children, there were certainly other children who needed me. It never worked though. Maybe I was fooling myself, but, for whatever the reason, something always happened, I'd no sooner allow myself to become attached and something would happen to yank them away. The last time was the hardest, but in the midst of the pain of that loss I found my way back to Abby.

Neither of us expected things to happen the way they did, I think we still held onto some fear because of the way things had happened the first time we were together. There was no denying though that we'd both changed in the years since then. The fact we'd become friends again first had to have helped. We weren't in the relationship out of desperation, we truly were falling in love, and one day that love was taken to the next level without our realizing it.

I can't explain the emotions that went through me when Abby first told me she was pregnant. I think I was afraid to believe it at first, afraid that if I did I'd lose everything we had already built. I knew how Abby felt about children, her fears that they might end up with the same illness she watched her mother and brother battle. When she told me she'd decided to have an abortion I tried to be supportive, but deep down it was tearing me apart. All I could think of was that once again my dream was gone, and then came the surprise. When Abby told me that she couldn't go through with the abortion I was overwhelmed, in that moment my love for Abby knew no bounds. To think that she would put aside all her fears for that tiny life inside of her, how could I not love her even more than I already did? Abby's warmed to being a mother, and I've watched that blossom even more as Joe grows, every step he takes, every word that comes out of his mouth, his smile, his laugh, what greater gift could anyone ever receive?

January Prompt: 005. How have you beaten the odds? /Creative Muses

2009-01-29T20:29:00.000-08:00

As Abby and I embark on this new chapter of our lives, it's hard not to look back on all I've been through to get to this point, on all we've been through. There were so many times when my life should have ended, so many times when I should have lost everything and everyone. We've both mistakes, there's no denying that, we could have taken the easy way out like we did the first time we were together, but, we didn't. Instead here we are, together. We have each other, we have our beautiful son, and while our marriage may not have fully recovered from all it's been subjected to, neither of us are ready to turn our back on it.

If I go back to the beginning, the very fact that I'm here when my first family isn't says more than I can with words. When I lost Danijela and our children in Vukovar, I thought my life was over. No, that's not true, I didn't think my life was over, I wanted it to be over. I that first week, I went out of my way to put myself in harm's way, hoping that God would answer my prayers and allow me to rejoin my family, and still I survived. When word came that the City was finally falling I was among those few who somehow escaped. Only later did I learn that so many of those I had called mentor and friends, as well as their patients had fallen when the Serbs massacred all those in the hospital.

Even knowing I had made it out of Vukovar when so many others never would wasn't enough to change how I was feeling. In my escape, I'd been shot, and after two days of travel I'd had enough, exhausted, hungry, and in pain, I was ready to go. When I stumbled onto an abandoned house, and then the next morning I found the bodies of those who had once lived there. What kind of animals murder innocent children only to leave then lying in the mud? I decided right then and there I was through trying, I knew I had to get away from the stench, and I walked until I could walk no more, and then I lay down and prayed that when I closed my eyes it would be for the last time.

It wasn't. When I woke I found myself in a Displaced Person's camp with strangers fighting for the life I was ready to throw away. It took me months to change how I felt, and when the time came for me to leave I went to the only place I had left. My father welcomed me with open arms, but, it didn't take long for me to realize that there were too many reminders there of things I no longer had. Too many reminders of the future that was gone forever. I had to leave, I had no choice. If I wanted to ever have any hope for another life it had to be somewhere other than Hrvatska, little did I know it would put a rift between my brother and I that would take almost 15 years to heal.

My being in the United States wasn't a quick fix for me, I made more mistakes then I was ready to admit to, including wasting years that Abby and I could have shared together had I not been so lost in my past. It took my cheating death for a second time for me to finally realize that my life held value if I was willing to see it. Knowing that Sakima and Chance had been willing to risk their lives to save mine, knowing Patrique had lost his, and then having Carter be willing to travel all that distance just to claim my body is that he could return me to my father. How do you thank people for something like that? How could I keep living the life I'd been living without disrespecting everything they'd done?

It took a while for Abby and I to find our way back to each other, we had our tests, our challenges, from Joe's birth and those first month's of his life, then, all of the events connected to Curtis Ames. I thought marrying Abby would prove the end of the bad luck in our lives, we'd been through so much to get there, more than anything I wished my father could have seen it. All of those years he'd told me there was someone out there who would make me feel like Danijela did, and now I knew he was right.

My father never had the chance to meet my wife or my son, in fact, it was his illness that would provide Abby with the greatest test to our relationship, while at the same time healing the rift that had kept Niko and I apart for so long. Things aren't yet back to where they were with Abby and I, but, we're getting there. Boston is allowing us the chance to start all over again. It's a new City, the mistakes we made remain behind us in Chicago, I love my wife, and I love my son, I know know that our future is what we choose to make it, and the past can only hold onto us if we let it. Boston isn't about the past though, and everyday when we wake up and see Joe's face it only confirms that for us. We belong together, and for the first time in far too long I can honestly say I'm looking forward to all my life has to give.

January Prompt 004: Violence is not the answer, but it is a bloody good guess. Anon/Artistic License

2009-01-27T02:28:00.000-08:00

The adrenalin was still pumping as Luka made his way out of the bar. He could have killed the man, he should have. He'd done it before with the mugger, let his rage, his need to protect someone blind him from seeing anything but stopping the person. Even having made the threat that he'd come back for Brian if he ever went near Abby hadn't been enough to squash the deeper feelings. Even now with his hand aching from the blows, he couldn't shake the feeling that he hadn't done enough. Even there, among all those witnesses, the only thing that had registered with him was the knowledge that he wanted the man dead before he could hurt anyone else the way he had hurt Abby. Why then had he stopped? Why had he failed her?

The sudden rush of images flooded his brain with such intensity that it forced bile to rise. Bracing his hand on the building's rough bricks, he gave in to the momentary weakness until he had nothing left to give but dry heaves. Seeing Abby's face for the first time, the bruises, her humiliation at having to go through the rape exam. Brian had stripped everything from her with his attack and in that instant he knew he couldn't just stand by and do nothing. He had stolen the sense of security that she should find her own home and he'd robbed her of the strength that had allowed her to overcome all the obstacles that life threw in front of her. The woman he'd seen sitting on that gurney, the woman whose injuries he'd examined was only a shell of the Abby he continued to love.

Pulling back from the building he found himself staring at the door to the bar as if he expected Brian to come walking out at any moment. What was it going to take for him to shake the emotions this man's actions had reawakened in him. Reawakened. That really was what it was all about. He hadn't been able to explain it when he'd killed the mugger, but he'd known there was more to it then just the mugging, something that had fueled an almost primal rage that was beyond his ability to control. In time he realized it wasn't only because the man had chosen to attack he and Abby that he'd lost his life that night. No, there was a deeper reason, one that he didn't want to acknowledge until he had no choice. That man had died not just for his crimes, but for those done all those years ago to Danijela and their children. He hadn't been able to to claim revenge to those responsible for his families death in Vukovar. No, the ones who had taken their lives would forever be faceless strangers, but the anger he felt toward them was still there, tucked away, waiting for the day it would be unleashed. The mugger was just the first to feel it's wrath, and he died not just for his sins, but, for those committed by those faceless strangers. Tonight had been Brian's turn.

He'd never know why he'd stopped short of killing Brian, just as he would never know if the rage would reappear. No, only time would reveal that answer, and all he could do until then was try to come to terms with the feelings, make peace with them, and hope that if they ever surfaced again he could somehow control them.

Prompt: 265 What did you dream last night? /Theatrical Muse

2009-01-21T13:02:00.001-08:00

It was hard to deny the fear, all those years he'd begged for death, and now it was here in front of him and he was afraid. Kneeling there in the dirt, he could feel the pebbles as they dug into his skin. It was hard to stay still, to keep their attention from being drawn to him, it was cowardly. Hiding behind the others as they one by one were drug off to meet their deaths until he was the only one left save Sakima and Chance. He couldn't protect them anymore then he'd been able to protect Danijela and his own children.

It as all so real, even after so many years, and it was only Abby's gentle hand on his brow and soothing words in his ear that brought him back from the nightmare.

"Luka, shhh. It's all right. " She waited until his eyes opened to pull her hand away, wanting to hold onto her connection with him until the very last moment.

"It's just a dream." She offered him a smile, though there was little doubt in her mind that her husband was still not fully with her.

"Nothing can hurt you here." She returned her hand to his arm, all the while struggling with her own emotions. Even after so long, there was no denying that his fear was as strong as it was in those first weeks after he'd returned home. No matter how much he tried to deny it when he was awake, in sleep he was always betrayed.

"I'm here, Luka, you're safe, they're all safe." She brushed his bangs off of his forehead with the reassurance, the dampness of them yet another confirmation to the intensity of the dream.

"Go back to sleep, Luka, you're safe." As his eyes closed, Abby allowed herself to finally relax, at least for tonight the worst was over. They both battled their demons, and as he had promised to support her through her struggle with alcohol how could she not support him as he relived the horrors of his past? Their decision to move to Boston only confirmed how determined they were to do what was necessary to reclaim their marriage. If he could support her through her fight to stay sober, she would be there for him through this, she owed him that much and more. Brushing his bangs aside she placed a light kiss on his forehead.

"I'm here, Luka, go back to sleep, you're safe now."

Prompt 33.1: Rest/On The Couch

2009-01-14T16:10:00.000-08:00

He wasn't sure what it would be like, coming back to County, not after everything that had happened. He knew of course that they'd gotten word that He'd been killed. He knew too that without that call John would never have returned to search for him, granted, at the time he thought he was only coming back to claim a body, but, if he hadn't come.

"Luka? Are you okay?" At Gillian's touch on his arm he let the train of thought go even before he had fully taken hold of it.

"Yeah, just tired." It was almost a relief when the elevator doors closed, if only because it meant that at least for the time it would take to travel from the ER to the ward, it shut out all the well-wishers. It wasn't that he didn't appreciate their concern, but, it was just, just too soon.

"Your fever is up." Gillian's hand moved automatically to his forehead before she drew it back. "We'll get you settled in your room and you can rest."

"Yeah, been doing that a lot." It was hard not to roll his eyes with the admission, what else could he do? But, at least he was alive, Patrique couldn't say that. He closed his eyes as the unwanted memory once more surfaced, then blinked back the tears that almost immediately collected on his lashes.

"It'll get easier." Gillian's words were quiet, spoken barely above a whisper. She hated seeing him like this, but, she wasn't yet ready to walk away from him, not even here among those that might think him their friend. It she meant to say more she was saved from it by the bump of the elevator as it stopped on his floor.

"I doubt it." He opened his eyes as he made the comment, only to close them again as he read her reaction.

"You're going to be a wonderful patient, I can tell already." The sound of the doors sliding open overrode his answering "Hrumph," as well as her responding laugh.

"Dr. Kovac, hi, I'm Sarah, I'm going to be one of your nurses, let's get you checked into your room." The waiting nurse reached for the gurney as she introduced herself, if Gillian had wanted to say more, it would have to wait, it wasn't going to be easy.

"I'm tired." The words were the most Luka found himself able to muster before his eyes again slid closed.

"That's to be expected, check-in won't take long, then you can sleep." She shook her head as her words seemed to merit no response from him and instead shifted her attention to Gillian.

"Is this common, the dropping off? The question was only the start of a long line of questions that she would ask before Luka's check-in was complete, and as Gillian answered she found herself wondering just how deep into what he'd been through they'd go. Or more importantly, whether Luka would be willing or able to answer.

Prompt 2009.1.D.4. Incense/ Realm of the Muse

2009-01-12T14:04:00.001-08:00

He could hear music. There shouldn't be music, not here, not among so much death, but, still, even as he knew it wasn't possible he was sure he could hear it. Luka cocked his head as the notes seemed to swirl around him, the confusion of his already sky-high malarial fever melding with the shock of all they had been through. Could this be the sign that his time here was coming to an end? Could the music be a way for the angels to soothe whatever fears he might have about meeting his own death? As much as he hated to believe that the one thing he had dreamt about for far too many years might finally have found him, he wasn't sure that he was ready for it.

The music brought a sense of calm to him that he hadn't felt in some time. Gone was the fear that had gripped him as he'd watched Patrique fall beside him, instead, in it's place there was a familiarity that drew him back to his childhood. As he struggled to his knees he could easily imagine himself back in the safety and comfort of those days. No longer was he kneeling in the dirt, even the smell of death that had hung thick in the air as the sun beat down on them seemed to disappear. No, hearing the the music changed everything. As the prayers found their way to his lips he closed his eyes, in an instant it was as if everything that had happened since the Mai Mai's first attack became the dream. He could almost imagine he were once more in the Church of his youth, the smell of the censer's incense tickling his nose as the Priest paused to whisper his blessing, touching the sign of the cross to his forehead before moving past.

All too soon the illusion was gone, the spell broken as hurried voices around him destroyed the magic. It was only as he opened his eyes that he was aware of the Mai Mai surrounding him, it took longer to understand why. A priest...a priest? They thought he was a priest. It was only as they crossed themselves that it fully hit home, they pressed closer to him but not to steal his life from him as they had the others, they wanted his blessing. Of all the things he had thought illusions, could he have been wrong about the angels watching over him? It was the only way he could explain what was happening around him. For whatever reason they found his life worth saving, and he drew on their strength as he found the words to continue the prayers for those who now knelt around him.

Prompt 262: Lines / Theatrical Muse Challenge

2009-01-02T12:04:00.001-08:00

It's funny how the things you remember are so very often connected to those you most want to forget. I've been thinking a lot about Vukovar lately, not just about the day I lost my family, though those memories are still there. I find myself thinking about our life during the siege, and how desperate the times became.

I remember quite clearly the lines. It didn't matter what they were for, if you saw one forming they became a magnet for people, drawing them from behind the walls where they hid. One could never be sure what you might find at it's end, one day bread, another milk, and oh, if you were very lucky you might even find the unbelievable prize of toilet paper at one's end. Whatever the prize, they came with their own risk, for a line meant something different to the snipers that lay in wait. A line meant a target, another notch on their gun, fresh blood on the street. A line, the difference between life and death, but what choice did we have? We always needed the prize.

The water runs were always the worst, the snipers knew to lay in wait for that line, their targets came in all shapes and sizes, young and old, water was life. Everyone knew the risk, but, what choice did we have? So, we went, we filled whatever we could carry, as many as we could hold so we could stay away as long as possible, we ignored the water that over-flowed, sloshing from one jug to the next, praying for the sniper not to pick us out of all who were there. When we were done the danger really came, our movement made us more of a target, if they'd missed seeing us before they wouldn't as we ran. The race seemed to last forever as we would run across debris strewn streets, trying not to see the bodies of those who hadn't been fast enough, if we could only get to the shelter of the buildings we'd be safe. Safe until we next had to stand in the lines.

Prompt 31.2: I am... /On the Couch

2009-01-01T23:24:00.001-08:00

I am a husband.

I am a father.

I am a son, or am I? Do I cease to be a son when I lay my father to rest? I wonder sometimes what kind of son my father thought I was. It wasn't something we ever spoke about. Was he ashamed of how I lived my life, or proud of the choices I'd made? Though I wasn't with my father when he died, I had spent most of the last six months with him, it wasn't an easy time for either of us. We talked a lot of how things used to be, what life was like when my mother was alive, when Niko and I were young, when our family was whole and we had our whole lives ahead of us. My father had always been a proud man, strong, and independent, his illness robbed him of that and I think of all that he lost, it was that which he missed the most. In those final weeks of his life, the cancer stole more than his ability to walk from him, it stole the very essence of who he was.

I left my father's home, and my Country, in the early nineties. After I did my time in the military, five years of marriage, and a stay in a displaced person's camp after the fall of Vukovar, I'd returned to the safety I thought I would find within it's walls. At the time, I was a shell of the man I had once been. I was grieving for the losses of my wife and children, and still healing from mental and physical injuries of the war. In a way, I think I hoped that by returning to the comfort of my father's house, I'd find the safety that I'd always found there as a child, but, nothing was the same, and as difficult as the decision was, I knew I had to find my way alone. My reasons for leaving were ones my brother couldn't understand and proved to be a constant source of argument between us, and by the time I left we were barely on speaking terms.

As difficult as it was for my father to see me go, he knew if I was to have any hope for moving forward with my life I had to do it, and to this day I still remember his words to me before he placed me on the plane that day. He clasped my hand as if he could channel his strength through that connection, and then with tears in his eyes he met my gaze.

"We only part to meet again." As he finished he pulled me into his embrace, kissing both my cheeks, and then it was time for me to go. I remember watching him through the window of the plane, until I couldn't see him anymore, and I found myself wondering if he had done the same.

In the fifteen years since I left, I'd only returned two other times before he got ill, it's a mistake too late for me to correct, maybe that's why I stayed as long as I did, but, it was too late to undo the pain my absence had caused him. Tata will never meet my wife, he'll never know his grandson, never hold him, never sing to him, or read him a bedtime story, those are things I have to live with. Joe and Abby will know my father though, they'll know of his strength, his humor, his love of family. They'll know how much he would have loved to have shared his life with them, I'll make sure of it, and that's a promise I can keep for him.

I am a husband.

I am a father.

And I will always be my Father's son.

Prompt 45.2. How close have you come to breaking up with your partner?

2008-12-30T20:41:00.000-08:00

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

I wish I could say this has never come up, but, if I did it would be a lie. The truth is, we came too close, close enough that I had to move out of the house for a period of time in order to get a better perspective on how I felt about the situation. I suppose, in all fairness, I should go back to the beginning of things because the blame can't fully be laid on one of us over the other.

Things started shortly after Abby and I were married, we were planning where we wanted to go for our Honeymoon when I received a phonecall from my brother in Croatia. Niko and I had not been on speaking terms since I'd made the decision to leave Croatia for the United States so I knew immediately that something was wrong, and it was. Our father has always been the strength of our family, when our mother died, during the war when I lost my family, and in the time after. As much as I knew the time would come, I still wasn't prepared to get the call saying his health was failing, but there it was. Tata, my father had been diagnosed with cancer, I had to go to him.

When I made the decision to leave, I didn't know how long I'd be gone. In a perfect world I would have liked to have had my wife and son with me, Tata had never met Abby, he'd never had a chance to hold his grandson. Unfortunately, we weren't expecting to travel out of the country so soon, and we still didn't have a passport for Joe, we decided I'd go alone. I thought I'd go there, find out how my father was doing, and convince him to come back to Chicago with me for treatment. I'd forgotten how stubborn he was.

My father refused to leave his home. He refused to leave his friends. My father had spent his entire life there and nothing I could say could convince him to leave. I had no choice but to stay as we first went through the beginning of his treatments, then a worsening of his condition, by the time a surgery robbed him of the ability to walk, I had been there almost six months.

I never wanted to be away from Abby and Joe that long, I certainly didn't plan for it to happen, and I understood how difficult it was for Abby to juggle her work at the hospital and Joe's care even with the nanny. I didn't realize at the time that the stress of my being away and the extra pressures were going to cause her to relapse on her drinking, and it was that relapse that caused the additional problem.

We reached a point with my father's condition where it seemed that his condition had stabilized and I thought it would be safe for me to fly home for a short visit. In the time that I'd been in Croatia I had managed too to rebuild my relationship with my brother and we thought it would be a nice surprise for Abby if he flew back with me to meet her and Joe. Unfortunately the reception wasn't what we'd expected, and Abby was angry at my bringing him back without talking to her first. We'd only been there a couple of days when the call came that our father had died, and at the same time Abby told me that she'd started drinking again. I wasn't as supportive as I should have been, I'll admit to that, but, I had to go back to Croatia to bury my father and settle his affairs. We decided that Joe would go with me, and she would go into rehab, and when she finished she'd fly over and join us. I never realized at the time that she was hiding a secret far worse then the fact that she'd begun drinking again, far worse than the fact that she had put Joe's life in danger by driving with him in the car while drunk. It was only when Abby arrived in Croatia that she broke the news to me that she'd slept with her boss during one of her drunken binges.

When we returned to Chicago things weren't the same between us. It wasn't just that I no longer had my job at County, though that was part of it. I couldn't get past the fact that she'd betrayed our vows, and I couldn't wake up every day and face her until I came to terms with what I was feeling, I decided I needed some time and space to work things out, so, I got an apartment and moved out.

I found a new job at a hospice, it was a huge change from working in the ER, but, I think it allowed me a chance to really come to terms with my father's death. Abby and I remained friendly and Joe shared time between both apartments during the separation. Eventually I realized that I still loved Abby and despite what had happened I was willing to try and forgive her, to do that though we both decided would require that we make a change. As hard as it would be for both of us, Abby and I decided to leave Chicago. We decided that a new city, new jobs, new friends, would allow us to fully put what had happened behind us and move forward. It's not easy, but, for Joe, and for our relationship we have to do this. I love my wife, and I love my son, and if this is what it takes to salvage our lives then this is what we have to do. I can only hope that it works because I don't know if I can survive losing another family.

December Prompt: 004. Good things come in small packages /Creative Muses

2008-12-29T00:02:00.001-08:00

Small Packages

"Want me to give him his bath?" Luka glanced up from where he sat on the couch as Abby started gathering Joe's toys and dropping them into a nearby basket.

"No, that's okay, I've got him, you look like you could use the rest anyway." The day had been long for both of them, but, more so for Luka who had been forced to pull an early morning shirt due to his lack of seniority at the Boston Hospice.

"It hasn't been too bad, he's more worn out then I am." gesturing to where Joe lay on the floor, Abby couldn't help but laugh. Not quite ready to admit to being ready to quit, the toddler lay on his side by the Christmas tree, his head resting on one arm as he drove one of his new cars around in front of him.

"It's been a good day, hasn't it?" Without thinking he patted the spot on the couch beside him, inviting her to join him.

"Yes, it has." Seeing how contented Joe was, and knowing how close they had come to losing everything because of her mistakes while he'd been gone, Abby hesitated only a moment before taking the seat beside him.

"We made the right decision, didn't we, leaving everything, everyone we knew to start fresh?" Luka slid his arm around his wife, drawing her closer with the question.

"I think so." Abby bit her lower lip, considering for a moment if she wanted to say more, or simply to let him talk. Finally, as the decision was made, she took one of his hands before she laced her fingers with his .

"Luka, can I ask you something?" Instead of looking into his face as she spoke, her gaze remained on Joe.

"Sure, what is it?" Whether he was picking up something in the tone of her voice, or her manner, Luka wasn't sure, but, he found himself inwardly bracing himself even as he gave her permission to continue.

"I'm just curious about something, and if you'd rather not talk about this, I'll understand." She wasn't sure why she gave him a final chance to withdraw his permission, though if she had to come up with a reason she would probably attribute it to the rocky ground their relationship was setting on at the moment. Did she dare jeopardize the gains they'd been making by digging into things that really weren't her concern?

"Abby, it okay." Luka reached over to touch his wife's chin with his free hand, bringing her head up so that she had no choice but to look at him.

"It's okay, really." Once he had her attention he dropped his hand to cover the other.

"Luka, you never talk about your children with Danijela, and maybe it's none of my business, I just wondered." Abby's words trailed off as she struggled for the best way to say what was on her mind. When he showed no sign of stopping her, she continued.

"I was just wondering, when you look at Joe, does he remind you of Marko? Does he look like him, or have the same personality?" The longer she spoke the harder it became to look at him and by the time she finished her eyes were back on their hands.

"Joe, come to Tata." Luka wasn't quite sure why he called his son to him. Abby's questions were not ones he hadn't asked himself, in fact he had asked himself far tougher ones, and there would likely be many more as the boy grew into manhood. Joe had already passed his first milestone, and while he hadn't said anything to Abby about it, it had felt like a weight had been lifted from him when Joe had moved from 18 to 19 months of age. There would be yet another of course, and he knew the fear of history repeating itself would hang over their heads until Joe successfully marked his 6th birthday.

"Up, Tata." At Luka's invitation, Joe scrambled to his feet, grabbing a couple of the cars he'd been playing with before joining them at the couch. Once he was lifted up, he wasted no time in crawling onto his father's lap.

"Those are kind of tough, physically, they don't look anything alike. Danijela was dark like I am, so both of our children were dark as well." With his son settled, Luka slid his arm around him and kissed the top of his head. As he forced his thoughts back to his wife's question he idly ran his fingers through the boy's hair.

"Marko was just starting to walk, and he was talking very little, but, he had no trouble making known what he wanted." As the memories of the small boy who lost his life so many years before were unburied, Luka's voice grew quieter.

"He had one of those smiles that filled his face, and a way of laughing, it was almost like it filled him up and then over-flowed, he'd start giggling and you couldn't help but join him." The memory instantly brought an image of the small boy to his thoughts.

"Tata, cry." It wasn't until Joe touched his cheek that he realized that tears had followed it and he swiped at the wetness before kissing his son on the top of his head.

"It's okay, Joe, Tata was just thinking about something." He glanced over to Abby and offered her an apologetic smile.

"I guess it's a little harder then I thought." He wiped again at his eyes before gathering Joe into a hug as the toddler turned fully, clearly bothered by what he was seeing.

"Luka, we can do this later." Abby no sooner started to speak then she was interrupted by Joe.

"No cry, Tata, no cry." Luka tightened his embrace on his son, then kissed him again before addressing Abby.

"I want to tell you about him, but, you're right, maybe later is better. Thank you, Abby." Leaning toward her he gave her a kiss before boosting Joe up to his shoulder.

"How about I give Joe his bath, then we'll read him his story and we can talk about Marko after he's gone to bed, is that all right?" As he settled on his father's shoulder, Joe slid his arms around the man's neck.

"Go, bed?" The question came quietly, more for Luka then Abby.

"Yeah, after your bath." Luka kissed Joe again as he waited for Abby's response.

"That's fine, I'll go start the water, bring him up when you're ready." Abby leaned over and gave first Joe, then Luka a kiss before standing.

"I'll get his pajamas too, see you in a few minutes, and thank you, Luka." The image of Luka and Joe was one of those she knew would stay with her for a long time, he was meant to be a father. If she had ever had any doubt of it, she only need watch him with his son to know that of all the things he was, this was what he was most meant to be, more then a doctor, more then a husband. She could only imagine how losing his first two children must have affected him, and while Joe could never replace them, he had given him that gift of fatherhood back again. In a way, Joe had given him his life back. Who would have thought that good things could have come in such a small package?

Prompt 27.C.1. Coat/True Writers and 68.5.C Christmas Tree Picture/Writers Muses

2008-12-24T00:56:00.000-08:00

Christmas in Boston

As he sat in the darkness of the livingroom, staring at the twinkling lights of the Christmas tree, Luka found his thoughts drifting.

For so long the coming of the holiday season had been a time that he had dreaded. It wasn't just because their approach followed so closely on the heels of the anniversary of Danijela and the children's deaths, though he knew that likely was part of it. For so long he had held those few brief years that Danijela and he had shared as a marker, a marker that in his mind nothing would ever again equal. All of the memories of those short years they'd shared together he'd cherished for so long, capturing each fragment as a snapshot in his mind, that he only needed to close his eyes to see again. It didn't matter how many years had passed, they were there as a reminder of what he had lost, the life he was sure he would never again find.

He'd tried of course, tried only to fail. In those early years he'd foolishly thought he could reclaim the feeling by going home to the things that used to be safe. Abandoning Vukovar and then the camp that became his home in the months after it fell, he'd returned to live with Tata. He'd somehow thought that if he were with him and Niko, surrounded by the familiarity of traditions he'd grown up with he'd find again what he'd lost, but, it was too soon and the pain was too great. There were far too many reminders of Danijela there, too many memories of Jasna's smile, and later her excitement as she discovered all the holidays had to offer. There were memories too of Marko, but far too few, as he lost his life before he'd even had a chance to live it. As difficult as it was to leave Croatia and those he would leave behind, it would have been even more painful to stay. He had no choice, he said his good-byes and hoped one day Tata would understand why he had to go.

It wasn't until he found his way to Chicago that he gave myself permission to start living again and even then it wasn't intentional. He went into County expecting it to be like every other hospital he'd picked up shifts at, another place to escape his past, another place to hide, and then he met Carol. Even now he couldn't say he thought about there ever being anyone else in his life but Danijela until he met her. Looking back on that time now, it was clear he'd never seen what developed between us as anything more than a friendship until it was too late. In Carol he'd found someone willing to listen as he relived the parts of his life that were lost to him, and he liked to think his presence in her life filled a need she had. She allowed him to laugh again, and through her daughters he was given the gift of fatherhood even if it was only for an hour or two a day. Sharing that first Christmas with her and the twins allowed him to believe that maybe Tata had been right, but, then she was gone and he was back where he started, or so he thought.

His thoughts were brought back to the present as Joe's laugh drifted down the stairs. Listening more carefully he heard the splash of the bathwater, then the give and take of first Abby's, then Joe's voices as they talked about the evening to come. This would be his son's first Midnight Mass, and while Abby wasn't Catholic herself, she had agreed to share this moment with them. Turning back to the tree, he allowed the lights to draw him back into his thoughts...

He never could have predicted what came next, Abby was so different from Danijela, so different from Carol, and maybe he'd needed that. He couldn't help wondering if things might have turned out differently had they not been attacked by that mugger on that first date. He had no doubt that his actions that night changed him, they had to, He had another man's blood on his hands, he took someone's life to protect theirs, to protect Abby. He'd replayed that night so many times and he'd wished it could have ended differently, but, the fact remains, he'd killed him, and his death forever bound them together. He wanted things between Abby and him to work, but, the truth was, he wasn't ready for a relationship, she was right, He was married to a ghost, and until he could come to terms with his past he couldn't begin to think of a future with anyone else.

It was easy to see his mistakes now, he couldn't then and because of that his life had begun to spiral out of control. It wasn't enough that he became someone that even he no longer recognized, he became someone that he was ashamed of. He was out of control, in every sense of the word and he'd reached the point where his actions began to affect those around him. If there was any bright spot in all of those months of darkness, it was seeing Abby happy, because, as hard as it was knowing they'd had their differences, it couldn't change the fact that he still had feelings for her. He was sure that was why he bought the snowglobe that year, there was something about the world inside of it that gave him hope and there'd been so little of it during that time. Abby wouldn't know it came from him until much later, but he would know, and it gave him something to cling to in the weeks and months that followed.

When he'd left for the Congo, he honestly believed he had gone as low as he could go in his life. Everything he had worked for, everything he had believed, he'd betrayed it all. If he were to look back on the man he was then, it wasn't just that he didn't recognize myself in what he'd become, it was how much he hated him. While he hadn't even admitted it to himself, he welcomed the threat of danger he was going to face, and went so far as to taunt it, without even caring about the consequences. In his mind, he had nothing to lose, he had already lost everything and he was ready to die. If only he could say he knew the moment that everything changed, but, he didn't. It might have been when Patrique sacrificed his life to save his, it could have been when Sakima risked the lives of both herself and her daughter. He honestly didn't remember much about those last days, those last weeks. There was no question that he was there, or that it changed him. It was only that he owed far too many people to begin to thank them all.

Could he ever have imagined that he would be where he now was? The question lingered as he climbed to his feet, Joe's laughter drifting down the stairs, too much of a draw to avoid any longer.

"What are you doing Joe?" The words were out of his mouth before he reached the stairs, and it took barely a moment more for the toddler's answering squeal of delight to reach him.

"Tata...Tata! Escaping his mother's hold as she tried to finish dressing him, Joe darted to the stairs, only to wrap himself around his father's legs as the man reached the landing.

"Joe, come back here." Abby appeared in the doorway, the boy's coat and tie in her hand.

"You're not helping you know?" She gave Luka a look of exasperation as he picked their son up.

"We've got time yet, but, if you need to finish getting ready, I'll take over here." Shifting Joe to his hip, he extended his hand for the boy's coat and tie, then, as Abby came close, he leaned in to kiss her.

"You smell nice." He gave her a smile as he straightened again.

"I smell like bubble bath thanks to your son's joy of splashing." The smile on her face betrayed the anger in her words.

"Well, I like it. I'll take him downstairs with me. You want to go down and see the tree, Joe?" Ducking Abby's answering swat, he turned his attention to his son as he carried him down the stairs.

"Tree." As he caught sight of the blinking lights Joe pointed to it, then attempted to wriggle free of his father's hold. "Joe, down, Tata."

"Okay, but, let's finish getting you dressed." Setting the almost 3 year old on the ground in front of him, he knelt so he was close to his eye level.

"Stand still now so Tata can do this." As he caught his son's eye, Luka clipped a red and green striped tie to his shirt, then helped him into a red double breasted suitcoat.

"Go bye-bye?" Joe pointed to the door as Luka finished and released him.

"Pretty soon, we're waiting for Mama. Do you want to get your book while we wait?" He pointed to a chunky book that sat on the coffeetable.

"Book." Joe offered the word as confirmation before picking up the treasured picturebook, but, stopped short of carrying it back to his father as he noticed something new on the table. Almost simultaneously Luka and Joe both seemed to register the appearance of the compass, though the toddler couldn't know the significance of the object. As it caught his attention he let the book drop. though as he went to grab for it, he found his efforts thwarted by his father.

"Mine..." The wail went up as soon as the item disappeared from view, and he moved closer to Luka in an attempt to snatch it away from him.

"No, Joe...it's Mama's."Luka tried first to hide the compass behind his back, then slid it away from view into his pocket, as Joe continued his attempts to get it away from him.

"What's Mama's?" Abby's voice on the stairs announced her arrival, while at the same time providing the distraction Luka needed to move the compass out of his son's reach.

"Mama!" As Joe saw Abby, his interest in the item was forgotten, and he ran to greet her as if it had been hours instead of minutes since he'd last seen her.

"Hey, Joe, did Tata get you all dressed up?" As her son stretched his arms up to her, Abby picked him up before giving him a kiss.

"Are you ready to give Tata your surprise?" Abby leaned her head closer to the boy's to whisper in his ear.

"Santa, Santa...down, Mama." At her son's demand she set his feet back on the floor before going to the bookshelf and retrieving a brightly colored paper bag which she handed to him.

"There you go, Joe, give it to Tata." Abby's smile began before she finished the instructions, as her husband knelt so he was at Joe's eye level it only grew broader. When Luka pulled it from the bag she lost it, they had come so far, been through so much, and now, to experience this moment. It was hard to know if the tears that were wetting her cheeks were ones of joy or ones drawing off the sadness of how close they had come to losing it all. Watching Luka now as he hugged his son, the child's gift in his hand, she was left to wonder, could their life be any more perfect?

Joe's Gift to Luka...

Prompt 24.5. Give a little love to a child, and you get a great deal back./True Writers

2008-12-11T23:31:00.000-08:00

Give a little love to a child, and you get a great deal back. - John Ruskin, The Crown of Wild Olive, 1866

It's hard to believe that we finally have Joe home, but, here he is. After all those weeks of worry, of the endless hours spent listening to the hissing and beeping of the monitors and vents in the NICU. I can't stop thinking about all of the times that I kissed him good-bye and wondered if it might be for the last time. Or how many sleepless nights I spent worrying over whether his fate would be the same as Jasna and Marko's? But, here he is, all of my fears were for naught, he's finally home, and he's healthy, and happy, and that's all that matters.

Sitting here, now, in the quiet darkness of the early morning, with him in my arms, it's hard to believe he's real. I've dreamed about moments like this for so long, and now that it's here, it's hard to explain how it makes me feel. I keep thinking I should pinch myself to make sure it's not a dream, but, then he smiles at me, or coos, or he grabs my finger and whatever thoughts were in my head are gone and all that remains behind is my love for him. How can someone so small command so much power over me? But, he does, and I think he always will.

As much as I love Joe, I worry for him. God, please tell me how do I get past my fear for him? I look into his eyes and I can't help but wonder if he knows that as much as I love him, there's a part of me that is still afraid of losing him. I look back on those weeks he spent in the NICU, I look back at his surgery, and I have to force myself to believe that he will never know anything worse then that in his life. I never want Joe to know the sacrifices that Jasna and Marko were forced to make, I never want him to know that kind of hate, I never want him to experience that kind of fear. A father's supposed to protect their children from harm, and while I know what happened to Jasna and Marko wasn't really my fault, I still carry the guilt of having failed them. I don't want Joe to feel like a caged bird, I want him to experience everything life has to offer, but, there will always be that part of me that wants to shelter him, and to keep him safe. Please, God, help me know when to stop, I couldn't bear it if at some point my over protectiveness were to chase him away.

I want to believe that my need to protect Joe will fade as he gets older, as he passes the ages that Marko and Jasna were at their deaths, maybe then I'll be able to finally let them go. As I look at my son's face, and into his eyes, I realize that we have so much to learn from each other, and this time, I know that we'll have a lifetime to do it in. Please God, please don't let me be wrong.

December Prompt: Sweets from October 005/Artistic License

2008-12-10T23:44:00.000-08:00

A Sweet Surprise

(Vukovar 1991)

"Mama...there's nothing to do." Despite the consequences that she knew would come from her actions, the five year old's voice altered to more of a whine as she gave in to the frustration that had been building for far too long

"Jasna, lower your voice before you wake Tata." Danijela offered the warning to her oldest child with barely a glance up from the laundry she was sorting and folding.

"You've got plenty of things you can do, if you can't figure something out yourself, you can come help me or play with Marko." At the mention of her youngest child, she immediately glanced to where the toddler was sitting on the floor, an assortment of cups scattered around him.

"I don't want to play with Marko, he's a baby. I want to go outside." With her anger peaking her chair very nearly toppled over as she shoved it backward in her haste to vacate it.

"Ou'si'" Marko almost immediately echoed his sister's word, and as a smile spread across his face he abandoned his own play to scramble to his feet so he could follow her.

"Jasna...now look what you've done. You know you can't go outside." Danijela's voice held mixed emotions in it, as angry as she might be at her daughter for fueling things, she understood only too well how hard it must be for the children to be confined to the small apartment day after day. With a sigh she lay the stack of clothing on her lap to the side before rising.

"What's going on?" Danijela had just scooped Marko up, when she heard her husband's sleepy voice over her young son's protesting cries.

"Tata, we want to go outside." Jasna immediately changed her target, and before Luka had even sat up she was climbing onto the bed where he was.

"I'm sorry they woke you, Luka." Danijela offered the apology as she continued with her efforts to calm Marko.

"It's all right." He gave his wife a tired smile before turning his attention to his daughter as she finally settled beside him.

"Tell me what's going on, Beba?" After wiping the last of the sleep from his eyes Luka sat up and slid his arm around her.

"I just want to go outside, Tata, we don't get to do anything anymore." Whether it was because of her closeness to her father, or simply because the anger that she'd seemed to hold had been released, the girl's voice no longer held it's earlier anger.

"Jasna, we've talked about this, you know it's not safe for you to be outside. I wish it was different but, it's not. How about if I get dressed and you can take your jump-rope into the hallway, would that be okay?" As he offered the compromise, Luka idly stroked his daughter's hair.

"It's not the same thing, Tata." Even as she voiced her discontent, the five year old realized that what her father was offering her was likely going to be the only option open to her other then playing in the apartment.

"What do you say, Jasna?" Luka dropped his hand to her shoulder as he asked for her final decision.

"I guess that's okay, but, just me and you, not Marko, right?" In that moment it seemed equally important that her escape from the apartment be something that she alone experience.

"Marko can stay here with Mama, besides, I have a surprise for both of you." Tossing aside the blanket that still covered him, Luka climbed off the bed and went to retrieve a small bag from the pocket of his coat. With the sack in hand, he motioned for Danijela to join the as he returned and took a seat on the side of the bed closest to his daughter.

"Tata, Marko, up." As soon as he got close to his father, the 18 month old's mood brightened.

"What do you have, Tata?" Jasna's curiosity grew as she saw the bag, and by the time he had it open she had almost draped herself over his shoulder to get a better look. As he withdrew a red sucker she elicited a squeal of delight, which was echoed by Marko.

"Let me give this one to your brother, okay?" Pulling the cellophane off he handed the sucker over to the toddler before reaching again in the bag and producing a second one.

"Here you go, Beba." Luka handed the second one to his daughter and wasn't surprised to see that it went immediately into her mouth. Realizing almost as quickly what she'd forgotten, the girl removed it and rose up to kiss her father's cheek.

"Thank you, Tata." She followed the words up with a smile, then, with the sucker back in her mouth, she climbed off the bed and coaxed Marko to follow.

"You're welcome, Beba." With the children now occupied, Danijela moved to the spot her daughter had just left.

"Where in the world did you find sweets?" She found herself trying to steal a peek in the bag as she questioned him, but, as he had with the children, Luka was being equally secretive with her.

"No peeking." The chiding came with one of his quiet laughs and it was only after he'd secured payment of a kiss from her that he revealed the chocolate bar that was her surprise.

"Luka, where did you find it?" Danijela's smile grew as broad as those of the children's when she saw what he'd found. After so many weeks of sacrifice, to have found something like this, she didn't even want to think about what it might have cost him.

"Did you get something for yourself? Take part of this." She'd already begun to section the bar off when her husband stopped her.

"We'll talk about what I want tonight, after the kids are asleep, you just enjoy it, I'm fine." It wasn't until he said them aloud that he realized how much truth the words held, despite all the sacrifices they were living with, in this moment, they were truly happy, and they couldn't ask for more than that.

Prompt 29.3: How do you feel during the holiday season?/On The Couch

2008-12-08T20:26:00.000-08:00

Ever since I lost my family I've dreaded the approach of the holidays. I'd see the decorations and the displays starting to appear and all they would do was remind me of what I no longer had. How was I supposed to celebrate anything when my children and my wife were gone? Once I left Croatia I made sure that the few times I went back were never close to the holidays because of all the memories I had of my family, those were the most painful to remember.

Just about three years ago all that changed...first with the news that Abby was pregnant and then our marriage. It's funny how much things change when you have a child, a family to share the holidays with. I see everything through different eyes now, maybe because I'm not just seeing them through my own. I watch Joe's face light up as he sees the houses with their twinkling lights, I listen to his laugh as we look at the holiday displays in the store windows. Sometimes if I listen carefully enough I think I can hear two other voices laughing with him, and if I close my eyes, just for an instant I think I can see Jasna and Marko's faces as if they were seeing through his eyes.

I don't dread the holidays anymore, though I admit that there are moments of sadness in them for those who are no longer with me. I don't doubt that this year there might be more of those than with the last, if only because it'll be the first year without Tata. I'll get through it though and I know with each year that passes it'll get easier. I never want to reach the point though that I forget, for those that are gone are as much a part of me as those still here, and I never want to completely lose them.

43.4. Discuss something unexpected that happened in your relationship/Couples Therapy

2008-12-08T20:17:00.001-08:00

I wish I could say that Abby and I have been able to plan for all of the things we've been forced to face, but, I can't. I'd be surprised to learn if anyone could. From the first time we were faced with something like that, to the most recent, we can only accept that they've happened and find a way to learn from them, and hope our relationship is strong enough to survive them. It isn't even that some are welcome surprises, which is what I would have considered the news of Abby's pregnancy. We see things so differently though, and as much as I wanted that child, there were several days when I wasn't sure if Abby was going to keep him. At the time I'd told Abby that I would accept whatever decision she made, but, after having him in my life, I wonder now if I would have stayed had she chosen to abort him, and then I realize it's best not to go there.

We're facing the challenges of something completely different now, and I can only hope that we'll survive it as we did Joe's birth. I want to believe it's possible, I know we're doing everything in our powers to make that happen, and that includes both moving and changing jobs. I'm not sure that either of us thought something like this would happen to us, but, who does? Who wakes up and says today I'm going to cheat on my husband? That's what Abby did though, and we can't undo her mistake, all we can do is accept that it happened and try to move forward. We're hoping Boston will allow us to do that. Away from the people and places that offer constant reminders, we're determined to give our marriage another chance, I can only hope that it's not too late.

Prompt 63.6: Soothe / Writers Muses

2008-11-24T00:29:00.001-08:00

Looking at how much my son has grown in the last six months makes me realize how much I've missed by being gone so long. It's not just the changes in his size, it's missing his first steps, hearing him say his first real words. In those six months he went from being a little baby to a toddler, and I missed all that came with those changes.

Standing here now on the front porch of my father's house, holding him in my arms, trying to soothe him as he fusses over new teeth that are working their way in, I'd be lying if I said it doesn't bring back memories of days long past. I look at him and it's impossible for me not to make comparisons between Marko and Joe. I know he's older now then Marko was at the time I lost him. Still, I can't help but find myself wondering if my first son would have been more like Joe if he'd had the chance at a normal childhood, instead of one that seemed to revolve around war. If he'd had the freedom to run and play outside, to know something as simple as going to the park, instead of being cooped up in our small apartment in Vukovar, with only the hallway as his playground. Would he have had Joe's sense of humor once he really started talking? Would he and Jasna have argued like Niko and I do, or would they have been inseparable as we were when we were young?

I think back on the times my father spent with Jasna and Marko, the days we spent at the beach before we moved to Vukovar, and it makes me so sad knowing Joe will never know that. He'll never know his grandfather as Jasna and Marko did, he'll never get the chance to sit in his lap as he reads him a story, or hear him sing the songs Niko and I grew up with. It's not fair, for either of them. He waited so many years for me to find someone. No matter how stubborn I was, he refused to give up on me, he knew I would have a family again, even when I didn't. Why couldn't he have held on just a little longer?

"Shhh, Joe, I know they hurt, baby, let Tata put some medicine on." Fishing the tube of Orajel out of his pocket, Luka squeezed a small dab of the gel onto his finger then rubbed it over the gum where his son's molars were starting to come in.

"This is going to make it feel better, let's go inside and get you some Tylenol and some juice, too." Shifting the still fussing boy to his shoulder, he patted his back as they headed inside. The teething process was one that was unavoidable, but, lucky for Joe, he was nearing the end of the cycle, once his molars were in he was done until the baby teeth themselves began dropping out. It was only after his son settled in his highchair and his needs were taken care of that Luka allowed his thoughts to again wander.

The guilt over having waited so long would likely remain for some time, he couldn't change that, and at least his father had been able to see pictures of Joe. But, why now? After all these years, why was he taken now, before he had a chance to meet the grandson that for so long I had denied would ever exist? The questions were ones he would never have answers to. He couldn't continue to dwell on them though, his father would never forgive him him for that. No, this time he would do what he hadn't been able to do when he'd lost his family, he'd keep living his life to the fullest. This time, he wouldn't retreat from the world, for Joe, for Abby, but, mainly for his father, he would show him that he'd heard the words that the elder Kovac had imparted on him, and when Joe was old enough he would pass what his father hadn't been able to, on to him as well. Joe might not physically know his grandfather as he was growing up, but, Luka would make sure that he would know the man in every other sense of the word. With the decison made, Luka felt the sadness that had been hanging over him lift, and as it did he was sure it was a sign that his father was giving his blessing to his decision. They were going to be all right, he was sure of it.

November Prompt 005: Not so fun/Creative Muses

2008-11-18T21:32:00.001-08:00

What's a daily activity you must do that's not one of your favorite activities?

Since moving to Boston, Luka and Abby had made the decision to stagger their work schedules as much as possible. If they were going to salvage their marriage things were going to have to change and one of those changes had been their decision to cut back on hiring a nanny. When they had started interviewing for positions, they had decided that Abby would work early days and Luka would aim for overnights. The new schedules would leave them with plenty of time in the middle of the day to spend not just with each other, but with Joe as a family, and after almost a year of only having one or the other parent in his life, he needed that.

The mornings belonged to Luka. Once home after finishing an overnight shift at the hospital, he'd spend some time alone with Abby before she left for her shift, once she was gone, it was time for him to wake Joe.

"Hey, little man, you ready to get up and have some breakfast?" As he approached the crib, he wasn't surprised to see Joe already on his feet, his arms stretched upward, ready to start his day.

"Eew...stinky boy." The teasing came after a good morning kiss, and he wrinkled his nose as he got a whiff of his son's full diaper. "Better get you cleaned up first, huh? You ready to try your big boy pants today?"

"Big boy." Joe echoed his father's words with a smile that only broadened as Luka sat him on the changing table and handed him a pull-up instead of a diaper to hold. "Car."

"That's right, there's a car on Joe's big boy pants, no diapers this morning, Joe's going to use the potty like a big boy." As he carried on his conversation with his son, Luka started the process of cleaning his son up before getting him dressed.

"Big boy, potty." Joe parroted the words happily before his attention was captured again by the image before it was hidden away under his jeans. "Car."

"That's right, okay, let's get your shirt and socks on, arms up." Luka eased the boys tee over his head, then finished up with his socks and shoes before lifting him up off the table.

"How about you sit on the potty before we go eat?" As he made the suggestion, he cleaned off the changing table, depositing the soiled diaper in the trash, and the boy's pajamas in the hamper next to it.

"Eat." Joe latched onto the most familiar of the words as he pointed to the doorway.

"After potty." Luka carried the toddler into the bathroom before letting him down in front of the small blue chair. The day was the start of a new adventure for all of them, he was sure of that, but, if it got him out of changing diapers, it was worth it. No matter how many trips they had to make to the little blue chair.

Prompt 25.2. Who from your past would you like to see again?/On The Couch

2008-11-16T23:08:00.000-08:00

I already see them, see her, especially now as the holidays approach, not intentionally of course, they usually come to me in my dreams, or when it's quiet and my thoughts have begun to wander. I wonder sometimes if Abby understands that she will always be sharing me with Danijela, because no matter how many years pass she'll always be my wife and my love for her will never fade.

When Abby and I first dated, our parting was not a good one, we both said things we knew would hurt the other. I remember one of the last things she hurled at me was that I was married to a ghost and while I know to her it was meant as an insult, to me it was all too true. My family had been taken from me almost ten years earlier and I still grieved for the loss of them as if it had happened yesterday. In all of that time I hadn't even really looked at another woman. Granted, I'd spent quite a bit of time with Carol and her daughters, but, she was alone, and so was I, and while the father of her twins wasn't dead, she felt his absence in much the same ways that I felt Danijela's. I think initially though what drew me to them was my need to be a father, and if anything more came out of it, then I was all right with that. In the end, nothing did, Carol decided that what she felt for her daughter's father was the same as what I'd felt for Danijela, he was her soul-mate and she had to go to him and see if he felt the same about her. I can't begin to describe the sense of loss I felt once they were gone, and I really did question whether I wanted to open myself up to going through something like that again. By the time Abby did come along, I was hesitant, and it was she who initiated the first date.

Having made two attempts to find again what I'd had with Danijela and failed, left me bruised, and I suppose it made me fall back to the habits that had enabled me to survive the loss of my family in the first place. I found myself pulling out the small black and white photo of Danijela and Jasna more frequently, and if I could have done it I would have stepped into it myself. I missed my family, I wanted to hold my wife, to tell her how much I loved her. I would give anything to have her back in my life for even five minutes if only so that I could kiss her once more and thank her for giving me two beautiful babies, and sharing herself completely with me in the time we had, however short it was. More than anything, I wanted us to grow old together and instead, we had only a handful of years, and our babies had even less.

large graphic by Jana

Prompt 36.2: Would you date someone you were working with? Why or why not? /Couples Therapy

2008-11-12T01:19:00.000-08:00

Maybe it's the nature of my work, or the amount of hours I put into it, but, it seems most of the women I'd seriously dated since arriving in Chicago were employees of County. I say seriously because I did go through a stretch a few years before my wife and I got back together where I was dating outside of the hospital as well as inside.

Dating within your workplace does come with it's own problems and I've suffered the consequences of those relationships and one night stands on more then one occasion. I guess the worst of those was after I'd spent a night with one of our nurses and even though I'd warned her that nothing was going to come of it she didn't believe me. The next day at work was a nightmare, it didn't matter what I said to her or how I said it, she just wanted to bite my head off. Of course that wasn't good enough for her, then she turned around and filed a complaint against me for my poor attitude, and after getting the other nurses to sign a petition supporting her, she got me suspended for several days. It was not long after that happened that I started looking outside the hospital for companionship.

It took my going to the Congo for me to get my head back where it needed to be with regard to what I was looking for in a relationship, and I realized that I needed more then just nameless sex. I realized I was finally ready to start thinking about having a family again, and it wasn't too long after I'd recovered and returned to work that Sam and her son, Alex came into my life. Sam was another nurse and I really thought we could be happy, we could be a family, but, the things I wanted, she didn't want, and one day she decided enough was enough and moved out. It was hard for me after that, I didn't understand what I had done to make her want to leave, and it was while I was trying to come to terms with the failure of our relationship that Abby reappeared.

When I say that she reappeared, I don't mean that in the physical sense, she was always there, but, she somehow realized that I needed someone to talk to, that I needed to grieve again. I guess in a way I saw losing Sam and Alex as losing another family and that was hard for me to accept, but, Abby understood. The time we spent apart did wonders for both of us, and we found a strength in our relationship that had been missing the first time we dated. Neither of us realized it at the time, but, that would continue to grow as we were forced to face all the challenges yet to come. So, yes, I would, I did, date someone I worked with, and eventually we married, and I don't regret one moment of it

Step Five: 1. Is it hardest to admit wrongs to God, yourself or another human being?/aamuses

2008-11-11T18:36:00.000-08:00

Even though I'm here to support my wife in maintaining her sobriety, I'm finding that those very same tools in place to help her, are forcing me to look at myself in ways I never have. I'm a Catholic, I was raised in a country where the majority of those living there are Catholic as well, so, from the time I was old enough to understand what was being said, I was taken to church. My mother was very devout, she often went to Mass twice a day, and while she never demanded it of us, either my brother or I would often go with her. As was the case when we would ride the train with our father, this was our time alone with her, and even as young as we were, we understood it meant as much to her as it did to us. I don't think either of us realized how much those times with her meant though until we lost her and suddenly it was just Mass again.

When I met Danijela, I again found a woman who's greatest strength could be found in her faith, and when the time came for us to have children, it went without being said that they too would be raised as we had been. Looking back on it now, I am almost certain that it was Danijela's faith that enabled her to face all of the hardships that we confronted during the war. Looking back on it now, I realize how much time she was left alone while I was at the hospital. Not only was she left to spend all those hours essentially imprisoned in our small apartment with our two young children, but she did so much of the time without electricity, and running water, and with only the most meager of supplies.

So, why now, do I feel it important to talk about this, especially as it seems it has nothing at all to do with what I've been asked to talk about?

Even though I had turned my back on my faith when Danijela and our children died, I think I always felt an emptiness without it. It wasn't until I met Bishop Stewart, until I acknowledged those feelings, that I began to admit the truth to myself. It took several more years and my near death in the Congo to fully find my way back. When I did return to the Church I realized how much comfort I found there, but, where once my faith was something to be shared with those I was close to, this time it was almost a secret. My return to the Church, my participation in Mass and communion were things I did alone and it took the birth of my son for me to finally speak openly about it.

When Abby gave birth to Joe, we weren't sure he would survive, and I knew I needed my faith more in those days then I had at any time since the day I lost my family. I remember not just praying to God for my son's life, but asking him to see Abby safely through all she was facing, and I realized how important it was to me that Joe be baptized, just in case. I didn't want to think the worst, but, he was so small, and there was only so much the doctor's could do. I just couldn't take the chance that something might happen, and despite her own feelings Abby finally agreed.

Which brings me back to where we started, or where I meant to start. I have always believed that we know when we do wrong, as a Catholic, we're taught to admit those to ourselves and to God so he can forgive us and we can forgive ourselves. It isn't always easy, but, it's the way things are, however, admitting wrong-doing to someone else, that's something completely different, and that is by far the hardest of the three. It's one thing to know your own weaknesses and flaws, but, quite another to admit them to others, and I suppose that's what causes us to fail in the long-run, especially if we have no one or nothing to turn to once it's known.

256 - What do you hope for? /Theatrical Muse

2008-11-09T20:59:00.001-08:00

Happily ever after. Is that possible, or is it a dream that can never be achieved no matter how much you wish for it, no matter how strong your faith, no matter how hard you try?

Danijela and I were convinced our marriage was the thing dreams were made of, how could it have been anything but? From the first moment I saw her I knew she would be my wife, she would bear my children, and we would spend the rest of our lives together. I was 18, she was just 16 and we thought we had a lifetime to learn all there was to know about each other. We knew without saying it that our children would be raised as we had been raised and how they themselves had been raised. We would have the support of family, the comfort of our faith and our Church, and when the time came, our children would know the same or so we believed. If only it hadn't been for the war. In a matter of months it was gone, they were gone, and with them all my hopes and dreams.

For more years then I want to think about I allowed myself to believe that I no longer deserved those very things that Danijela and I had planned. Having lost not just the woman who had stolen my heart, but our children, I was convinced that I would never again know the joy of being a father again. I prayed for God to take my life as he had taken those of my family. I begged him to allow me to be with those I loved even if it meant ending my life, and when he didn't listen I turned my back on him and the Church that had meant so much to us for so long. Turning my back on my faith wasn't enough for me though, everything brought painful reminders and so, I ended up leaving the only things I had left, my family and my Country. I gave up on life, I gave up on any hope for happiness, I simply moved from day to day waiting for my time to come to an end so I could be reunited with those I loved.

It's funny though, while I was simply existing life found me again, and after more then a few missteps, Abby and I found our way back to each other. We'd tried once before, too many years ago, but, the time must not have been right. I guess we still had some lessons to learn, maybe we're still learning them now. This has to work, for Abby, for Joe, for us as a family. I hope, no, not hope, I have to believe that this move to Boston will allow us to overcome all the mistakes that we both have made in the last year. I want to grow old with Abby, I want us to raise our son together, to be there when he graduates from high-school. I want us to one day see him marry and have children of his own.

Is being happy too much to hope for? I want to believe it's not. I pray it's not. I'll do whatever I have to to make this work, because I just don't know what I'd do if I were to lose everything again.

Prompt 60.6 Crossroads / Writers Muses

2008-11-08T15:30:00.001-08:00

As I stand here watching Abby say her final good-byes, I can't help but look back at all that has happened to bring us to where we are at this moment. There's no denying that we've reached a crossroads in our lives and as hard as it was for Abby to sever that final connection we knew that it was something she had to do if our marriage was going to have any hope of surviving.

Abby and I both owe so much to County, not just for the jobs that we were provided with over the last nine years, but for the life experiences that came with them, both good and bad. In my case, my first shifts at the hospital were as a substitute and in the beginning I made no real effort to get to know anyone because I realized I would only be there a few days before I moved on to another hospital and as the weather changed, another city. Even as I say that I know it's more an excuse then the actual truth, because if I were being completely honest, I know that I kept to myself for another reason. One based far more on a selfish need to protect myself from reopening the very same wounds that had forced me to leave everything I knew and come to the States in the first place.

I became very good at keeping secrets in those early months, early years in America, and even better at running away when my efforts failed, and while on the surface I might have appeared happy with the life I was living, in fact I despised it. No one ever knew any of that of course, this too became another secret to be hidden away, tucked safely in a box with the memories of the family that was no more. For all intents and purposes my life in America was everything anyone could want and when I would call my father I would share tales of the wonders of the Cities I saw, the foods I had eaten, anything but that which might reveal the truth. I'll never know if my father saw through the lies, if he did he never said anything about it to me, and maybe that was for the best, with me so far away he could almost pretend Danijela and the children were still alive if he wanted.

Eventually, there came a point when I realized that the life I was living wasn't really much of a life at all and I needed to find a way to change what I was doing. Knowing and doing are two different things though and as easy as it was for me to isolate myself from people, it became much harder for me to try and find my way back. I made a lot of mistakes before I realized and in fact accepted that I wasn't ever going to be able to reclaim the parts of myself who had been husband to Danijela and father to Jasna and Marko. It wasn't for lack of trying of course, no, I desperately wanted to be that person again, he just wasn't there. In time I would discover someone similar, but, it would take many years, and many more mistakes.

As I was trying to find my way, I guess you could say that Abby was doing the same and while we dated for over a year not long after she started working in the ER, neither of us were capable of a serious relationship. For you see while I was mourning the loss of my family due to their death's, Abby was coming to terms with the failure of her marriage. As ugly as our first break-up was, we somehow managed to salvage a friendship from it, not immediately of course, but, gradually, once the anger and hurt had faded away.

I can count on one hand the number of people at County I would consider true friends, and Abby is one of those, it took me a long time to realize that. It took me even longer to realize that if I was ever going to get past what had happened to my family and move forward in my life, I was going to have to open up about them. I'm not sure that either Abby or I planned for our relationship to move back to the romantic stage, it was just one of those things that happened when we weren't looking, and by the time we realized it was there, it was too late to go back. When Abby discovered she was pregnant, it could well have put an end to things had we not both been able to make some compromises in how we felt about things, and maybe that was the start of our realization that what we had between us might just work. If we had any lingering doubts, they were gone with Joe's birth and all we went through in the months after. The threat of losing him made us realize just what was important to us, and our decision to marry once he was safe seemed a natural progression of where our lives, where our love, needed to go. Maybe we were blinded by what we were feeling, or maybe we just lost sight of something and God felt we needed a reminder, I don't know, but, our happiness was short-lived.

The call about my father's illness came before we even went on our honeymoon and it's what has led us to where we are now. If that call had never come, if I'd stayed in Chicago, none of what came after would ever have happened, but, it did happen, and I left my new wife and our son to take care of the father I hadn't seen in years. If I had known then what my leaving would do to my marriage I can't help wondering if I would have gone. If I could have prevented Abby from making the mistakes she made, would I have stayed, even if it meant I would never see my father again, or reconcile with my brother? I don't have answers to any of my questions, I only know that Abby and I have reached a crossroads and we've decided we have to try and save our marriage, even if it means leaving everyone and everything we know to do it. So, that's what we're doing, I've resigned from the Hospice, and Abby has finished her last shift at County, we're going to Boston, I hope we're making the right choice. I hope we'll find there what we need to survive this.

More Nuts For Mutts Pics

2008-11-06T01:13:00.000-08:00

The last of my pics...

Nuts For Mutts Pics

2008-11-06T01:02:00.001-08:00

Due to how my journal transferred over from aol, I'm having to repost my pics, you'll find some of them at:

I hope you enjoy seeing them as much as I enjoyed the day, and more importantly, meeting Goran and Maura.

Prompt 254: What was the longest day of your life?/Theatrical Muse

2008-10-31T22:33:00.000-07:00

In a perfect world this would be an easy question to answer. In a perfect world, I could toss off a trivial answer about a busy shift in the ER, or maybe one of those never-ending days that every med-student was warned about on that very first day of Pre-Med. I don't live in a perfect world though and I'm finding it far too hard to narrow things down to just one day, so, I've decided I've no alternative but to include the two that seem to consistently jockey for dominance in my thoughts.

I don't think it would surprise anyone to learn that the day of the bombing in Vukovar holds one of the spots, for from the moment I heard the sound of the strike time might as well have stopped for me. Even after all these years I can call up the details of that day with amazing clarity. I wonder sometimes if that in itself isn't more of a curse rather than a blessing but, then I remember that without those memories I would have nothing of Danijela and my children to hold onto except the small black and white photograph of my wife and daughter taken at Jasna's fourth birthday. If I have any regrets about the memories of that day, it's that they almost always begin with the bombing and that means that while I can remember my last words to Danijela, and the feel of Jasna in my arms, my memory of Marko brings no comfort. For while both Danijela and Jasna were still alive when I reached them, my baby boy was not so lucky, and my first sight of him was merely one small hand which he'd freed from the debris that had buried him alive. I try not to think about how long he was trapped in the darkness before death claimed him. I try not to think about the thoughts that must have been going through his head, though I know he had to be wondering why his Mama and Tata didn't free him. Mostly though I simply pray that he went quickly, I don't want to think about what it would have been like for him if he didn't.

Equally memorable for me is the day of Joe's birth, and the events that led up to it. From the moment I was paralyzed, then intubated, and bound to that gurney I honestly thought I might not live to see my son's birth. Adding to that fear was the moment when I saw Abby outside the room, when she steadied herself on the door before her fall, and knowing that not only could I do nothing to help her, I couldn't even call for help. Worse though was seeing the blood and not knowing if she and Joe were dead or alive...it seemed to take a lifetime for someone to find her, to find us. Even then the nightmare wasn't over, from the long delivery, the struggle to get control of the bleeding and Abby's surgery, and Joe's fight for life. I have to wonder what we did, what he did, that would prompt God to put us through so much, and then in the next breath, I'm left grateful beyond words because both Abby and Joe made it through that day despite our worst fears.

There have been other days which came close to these, my captivity with Patrique in the Congo among them, but, I can't dwell on the past when I have so much now to look forward to. I have a future now, a wife and a son who I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. That's not to say there won't be days when my thoughts won't return to those days, on birthdays, Danijela and my anniversary, but, it's not like it used to be, Abby and Joe have seen to that. My life is here now, with my wife and my son, and while we may have our bumps in the road, I can honestly say this is where I belong, and that's a feeling I never thought I would know again.

Prompt 19.2: Write about a misadventure with drinking/True Writers

2008-10-27T23:43:00.000-07:00

When I first met Danijela she was only 16, and she was still living at home, and going to school so, the times I saw her was limited to some evenings or weekends, and holidays. Another thing that separated us for a time was my obligation to complete my required stint in the military, something I wanted to do before Danijela and I married.

When I was in college, I was friends with several other students. We'd all met when we were pre-med, and our friendship continued through med school. I don't know if it was because our studies were so intense, or if it was just because we were all taking such heavy loads of classes, but, when the weekend hit, it was our time to unwind, and that usually meant consuming large amounts of alcohol. Because Danijela was younger then the rest of us, in the beginning she wasn't always included and that was the case on this particular weekend.

Tomo, Stipe, Gordana and I had driven to Vukovar one weekend right after finals were over, we had ended up partying the biggest share of it, and on the way back we hit a goat that was standing in the road. We jumped out of the car and I started to do CPR on it, but Stipe refused to do mouth-to-mouth, when that didn't seem to be working, Tomo wanted to put a chest tube in. It didn't happen, and despite the our best efforts our patient didn't make it, of course, we weren't quite so hungover that we were going to overlook the secondary outcome of our failure either. I have to preface this by saying that Gordana did try to talk us out of what came next, but we out numbered her three to one, and besides, the three of us had slept off quite a bit of our hangovers and we knew that by the time we got back to Zagreb we were going to be seriously hungry. We drew straws and Tomo lost so we wrapped the goat in his coat and loaded it in the back of the car, lucky for us the damage to it wasn't too bad. To the car I mean, not the goat. The rest of the drive was uneventful, and it wasn't long before we all fell asleep again, leaving Gordana to do the driving with only the radio for company.

October Prompt 005. What was your best gift ever? /Creative Muses

2008-10-26T14:43:00.000-07:00

In a way, my best gift, wasn't really a gift in the conventional sense, but, I can't imagine anything I could ever receive that will mean more.

When I lost my family, I lost more then just my wife and children, I lost parts of who I was. In one day I went from being a husband, a father, and a doctor, to being simply a doctor, and the emptiness I was left with was something I never was able to shake. I could try and tell you what it felt like, but, no amount of words can ever begin to describe the emptiness left after you have buried your children.

In the years I've been at County there have been times when I've found my my need to parent drawing me into relationships that I might not have entered otherwise. At the time they happened, I don't think I even realized what I was doing, however, I do know the pain I felt when they ended and one again I was faced with the loss of children I'd allowed myself to get too close to.

Which brings me back to the gift, how do I begin to describe what I felt when Abby told me she was pregnant with Joe? I knew I wanted that child more then anything I could have wanted in my life, I also knew how she felt about being a parent and how delicate our relationship was at that time. As hard as it was for me to do, I gave her the option of terminating the pregnancy if that was what she felt she had to do. Waiting for her to make that decision was harder than I could have imagined, but, as much as I wanted to once again be a father, I knew I couldn't force her to be a mother unless it was what she wanted too.

Abby did finally make the decision to carry Joe to term, and along with that choice we saw a strengthening of our relationship that eventually led to our marriage. Unfortunately, Joe's birth was a difficult one and left Abby unable to have anymore children, but, I'm okay with that because her gift and what came after have made me whole again, and for that, I'm forever grateful.

Prompt 22.4: How well do you get along with your family?/ On the Couch

2008-10-25T18:32:00.001-07:00

For a long time my brother and I didn't talk, we'd had a falling out years ago over my decision to leave Croatia and come to the United States. I wish I could say that it was no more then one of those stupid arguments that happen between brothers, arguments that are forgotten after a couple of days as quickly as they began. I can't say that though. The words my brother, Niko and I hurled at each other all those years ago caused wounds that ran too deep for any quick fixes, and it took our father's illness to even prompt us to talk.

I left Croatia in 1997, it had been six years since I'd buried my family and I still missed them as much if not more then the day I had lost them. As hard as I'd tried to move on with my life, I finally realized that it wasn't going to happen unless I was able to get away from the constant reminders of them, and I couldn't do that in Croatia. As difficult as it had been for my father to lose his daughter-in-law and grandchildren, he was willing to accept my decision to do what I needed to do to rebuild my life, but, my brother was different. Almost from the first day that I broke the news of my decision to go, Niko began to accuse me of running away instead of dealing with my losses and no amount of talking to him could change his mind. I think that's what eventually proved to be the end of things between us, we stopped talking entirely. It didn't matter what subject we started the conversation with, it all came back to my decision to leave and by the time we were finished all that we were doing was yelling at each other. I think that was the hardest thing for my father to accept in all of it, for in the end my leaving was to him was as if he'd lost all of us in Vukovar.

When I received word of my father's illness, I'd been living in the United States for close to ten years, and in all that time I'd only been back to visit twice. There was no question of my going back of course, even as I knew it would finally mean dealing with the distance that had developed between Niko and I, my father's health took priority and as his son I was willing to do what I needed to do. It's funny how time softens things, what once seemed like such vast differences between us, seemed so small as we both sat together worrying about our father's fate. Maybe that's how things are supposed to work out, I don't know, I just wish it hadn't taken something so serious to make us realize our mistakes, and how important the support of family is. Over the six months I ended up being there, Niko and I reached the point that when our father showed slight gains in his condition we felt it would be safe for us both to leave and allow me a chance to go home to see my family. I can't help but wonder if our father planned things for this end, if he held on just long enough to make sure Niko and I would have each other when he was gone. We'll never know of course, but, I just wish we hadn't wasted so many years, and I can't help but feel sad for Joe when I realize he'll never have the chance to know the man he was named for.

Prompt 35.2. Discuss a time when you doubted the strength of your relationship. /Couples Therapy

2008-10-24T22:27:00.000-07:00

My wife is an alcoholic. This isn't anything new, and for a long time I thought it was up to me to dictate if she could or couldn't drink. I guess I thought if it wasn't a problem in our relationship it was her business, or her problem. I know that I never believed that it was so bad that it would affect her work or the kind of mother she was to Joe, or the kind of wife she was to me. Funny how much can change in such a short time...

When Abby and I got married we thought that we had finally conquered all of the obstacles that life had thrown in our way. We were so happy, and then I got that phonecall that changed everything. I know now that I couldn't not go to my father's side anymore then I could expect Abby to have left Joe behind to join me, so I have to be willing to accept partial responsibility for what happened even if I couldn't have known about any of it. Neither Abby or I expected that my father's illness would keep me in Croatia for six months, I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for her juggling work and caring for Joe alone, but, I still can't fully forgive what she did.

I've tried to understand how Abby thought drinking would help anything. I've tried to understand how she could put Joe's life in danger on more then one occasion because she was too drunk to realize what she was doing. I've tried to understand how she thought sleeping with her boss could change any of what was happening but, the truth is, I don't understand. There is a part of me that feels betrayed by her actions, another that is hurt, and yet another that is sickened by it, mostly though I'm confused. I had thought the vows we made to each other meant something, I know they did to me, maybe I was wrong. Maybe she saw things differently and while I was worrying about my father's health and whether he would live or die, she was looking for an escape.

When I came back to Chicago with my brother Niko, I saw it as a chance for Abby to finally get to know some of my family. Neither of us could have known that in those few days between when we left Croatia and when we arrived in Chicago, our father's condition would deteriorate, and we certainly never expected to hear that we had lost him. I naturally assumed that Abby would go back with us for the funeral, she was my wife after all. Was it wrong for me to think she should be at my side with my son? When she broke the news instead of her drinking and her decision to enter rehab, what was I supposed to say? No, she couldn't go? The rest of her news would come later, when her rehab was finished, and she joined Joe and I in Croatia. Unfortunately, what should have been a time for us to move closer instead added more distance.

I wish I could say we had worked everything out by the time we returned to Chicago, but, we hadn't, and in fact I made the decision to move out for a while we both tried to make sense of all that had happened. Eventually, we came to the decision that our marriage was worth saving but, in order to do that some changes would need to be made. Both Abby and I have quit our jobs, and we've made the decision to relocate to Boston, this is our chance to put everything behind us and start over. We can make our marriage work, I know we can, our vows were more then words on pieces of paper, and I'm determined to prove that to her, I can only trust that she feels the same way.

October Prompt 002: Terror/ Artistic License

2008-10-23T23:31:00.001-07:00

How do I begin to describe what it was like? We had all been through so much already, we'd lost families, friends, we'd seen everything we'd worked for taken from us until all we had left were the clothes on our back and still they demanded more. We all knew now that anytime we ventured out onto the streets we very likely risked it being the last thing we did, but, what choice did we have? We couldn't stay sequestered in the hospital forever, someone had to make the runs out for water and food, not just for ourselves, but, for those patients we were trying to provide care for.

Trying to provide care...that says so much about those final days in the Vukovar hospital. I can't remember when we'd last had electricity or running water, the supplies we had were so limited and we struggled to provide the best care we could, and still the patients kept coming. For too many of us the hospital had become our home, a safe haven amid the death and destruction that made up the insanity of the world outside it's doors. We should have known that it couldn't last, that the time would come when the little safety that it provided would crumble away, leaving one more pile of debris amidst the ruin of what had once been such a beautiful city.

There'd been no warning on that last day, out of nowhere word reached us that the City had fallen and as the Serbian soldiers made their way through the streets, chaos took over. Those who were mobile were encouraged to flee, if they were lucky they might be able to get out of the City...if they were lucky. Did luck even exist anymore? As a doctor we swear an oath to care for our patients, how could we think about leaving them, but, the youngest of us were told to do just that, someone had to make sure that people knew what had happened, what was still happening.

Even as we were fleeing out of the back of the hospital we could hear the gunfire, we could only guess at what was happening, the truth would come later and it would prove to be far worse then any of us could have imagined. The only hope for survival in those first hours
was in looking out for yourself and my first thought was that I had to find somewhere to hide, at least until dark. The fear left me shaking, I knew that at any moment a soldier could spot me from a window or I could become a target for some sniper's bullet, but, I had no choice, I had to keep going.

I'd no sooner left the hospital then I took shelter in the ruins of a bombed out apartment house nearby, with some digging I'd discovered a pocket of space under some fallen wallboards and plaster. While it wouldn't give me much room to move, it would hide me until the soldiers were gone, I had no other choice, already I could hear the trucks on the street, and behind it all, the sound of gunfire. I crawled into the space and had barely pulled the boards back over the opening when I heard the soldiers voices as they entered the building.

How do I begin to describe the terror I felt as I listened to the sounds of the debris and broken glass crunching under their boots? I could smell the smoke from their cigarettes, hear their laughter as they joked of those they had killed, and I knew it would only take one cough from me and I would be next. When the boards over my head creaked, and the dust rained down on me I felt my breath threaten to choke me, I was sure my time had come. I'd almost resigned myself to my fate when from somewhere in the distance came the sound of fresh gunfire, and just as quickly they were gone. A scream soon after announced the success of their pursuit, but, I, at least for now, seemed to be safe, they didn't come back.

I lost track of how many hours I lay under the rubble. I could hear them in the streets, the Serbian soldiers, but even worse, I was sure that I could hear gunfire from the hospital, and screams, so many screams. I hated myself in those moments for leaving my patients, hated myself for not having the courage to stand up to my mentor and stay for the sake of my patients. Listening to those sounds, I wondered if I would ever be able to forget them, and then I knew I couldn't, I had to remember, I had to be the voice for those who no longer had one, I owed them that much, and somehow with those thoughts circling my thoughts, I slept.

Note: This is based off an actual event, read more on The Vukovar Massacre here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vukovar_massacre

17.1 B. I held your heart in my hand/True Writers

2008-10-09T22:45:00.000-07:00

I knew my return to Croatia to nurse my father would stir memories of the past I had left behind. It wasn't just that I knew my brother Niko and I would finally be forced to deal with the things we had said all those years ago when I'd left Croatia for the United States. No, as much as I knew we'd have to resolve the differences between us, or at least find a way to set them aside for our father's sake, it went far deeper then that. I think I knew coming back for more then a few days would mean I'd encounter people I hadn't seen since medical school, people who likely had last seen me while I was still consumed by grief from losing my family as well as the horrors I'd witnessed in Vukovar.

In those first weeks home, when I wasn't at my father's side, it seemed every place I went stirred some new memory of my past. How could they not? Even something as simple as a trip to the market offered reminders of times I'd spent with Danijela. It was so hard, and there were days when I questioned my decision to return even though I knew I really had no choice. While not as frequent, I was finding too that some places would call up remembrances of Jasna when she was very small and that surprised me even more then the recollections of Danijela. For so long all my memories of my daughter have centered around those final hours of her life. Out of nowhere I found myself being asked to push those memories aside and remember happier times as I was confronted by snapshots of her life that, in some cases, I'd forgotten completely. It wasn't easy, worse though was realizing how much of her memory I had lost because I chose to dwell on those final hours instead of the five years leading u to them.

I've had these images of Jasna frozen in my head, memories of those hours when I knelt next to her small body, trying to keep her alive, images that play out like a movie. They always start with me seeing Marko's hand as I entered the apartment that day. I knew he was gone, but I can't help wondering how long he survived buried under the rubble. He was such a tough little boy, but not tough enough to survive being buried alive, and even after all these years I wonder if he called out for me, if he understood that he was going to die there, that his Tata and Mama couldn't save him. It was so hard leaving him there, stepping over his body as if he were nothing but more of the debris, but, Danijela and Jasna were still alive, and I thought I could save them, that's what doctors are supposed to do.

Jasna's condition wasn't good, and she needed cpr to keep her alive, I needed to get her to a hospital, but, as I started to pick her up, I saw that Danijela was seriously injured as well. How was I supposed to chose between them? Danijela gave me no choice, I started to breathe for our daughter, if I could keep her heart beating until help came, but they never did, and I lost them both. I don't remember how many hours I stayed with my family after they were gone. I remember laying Jasna beside Danijela before finding the strength to free Marko from the prison that had taken his short life. It was only after I put him in his mother's arms that everything finally registered with me, and as I lay down beside my family, I gave into my grief and prayed they would forgive me for failing them.

The memories of that day have been my constant companion for over 16 years, to suddenly find that other memories are taking their place is something I never thought would happen. I'm not so naive as to think that they'll ever disappear completely, but, after all these years, I'm finding that it isn't the first memory that surfaces when I think of my family. Who would have thought that it would have taken something so serious in it's own right to create such a positive change in my life. How do I tell my father that the same thing that may well be taking his life has given me back a part of mine that I thought was lost forever? How do I begin to tell him how grateful I am for having my family back in a way I never thought I'd know again?

Step Four: 4.2:What does it mean to you to be a ‘moral’ person?/ aamuses

2008-10-08T16:30:00.000-07:00

This is a difficult question for me to answer right now, not because I don't know the answer, but, more because I know in answering it I'll sound as if I'm faulting Abby for her recent transgressions. The truth is, I know that in some ways I've fallen much farther then Abby did, with the only difference being that I was single at the time and her slips came more recently and so she betrayed not just me, but, the vows we made to each other.

So, with that in mind, I guess I see the answer to the question much the way it was taught to me as a young child. A moral person abides by the laws of God, and those set by the legal system, they remain true to their word, and to their spouse. I know, it seems so simple but, I know it's not, and even knowing that, it doesn't change the fact that I know Abby holds me somewhat responsible for all that happened.

When I first got the call about my father, there was no question about my going home to Croatia to be with him. My first thought was that I would bring him back to Chicago with me so I could oversee his care, but, my father was old, and stubborn, and quite set in his ways, and no amount of coaxing, or bullying would make him leave his home, his friends, or the land he was born on. I wanted Abby and Joe to go with me when I first went over, but, we still didn't have a passport for Joe so, we had no choice but for Abby and him to remain behind.

I hadn't planned on being gone for as long as I was, and looking back on it now, I realize how hard it had to have been for Abby, but, it wasn't easy for me either. Knowing that though, doesn't relieve her of the blame of putting our young son's life in danger with her drinking. Of course, I only learned of this when I came back to Chicago, and even as she revealed the truth of her drinking there remained another secret that she'd keep to herself until much later. I'd only been back in Chicago a couple of days when the news of my father's death reached me. I had to go back to Croatia, and this time I wanted my family with me. As hard as the decision was, Abby decided instead to enter rehab, so Joe and I said our good-byes to her on the street in front of our apartment with the hope that within the next 30-60 days she'd be joining us there.

I hadn't realized just how much I'd missed Abby until I saw her at the airport in Dubrovnik, and in those moments I thought I could forgive her everything that had happened up to that moment. If only she hadn't decided to reveal that remaining secret, if only she hadn't revealed that she'd not just started drinking again, but, that she'd slept with her boss as well. How was I supposed to forgive that? I'm a Catholic, I vowed before God to stay with her for the rest of our lives, but, how could I when she had betrayed everything we had between us? Everything that I thought we had suddenly seemed to crumble around us, and by the time we returned home to Chicago, I knew I had to have some time to try and make sense of things.

I wish I could say that things between Abby and I were perfect now, but, they aren't. We are trying to work things out, and as part of that I've moved home again. We've decided to leave Chicago, in the hope that a new start will make it easier to let go of the past. We know it's not going to be easy, Abby will have to work hard to maintain her sobriety, but, for the sake of our son, for me, and for our marriage, she's determined to overcome this. I wish I could say I believe everything Abby is saying now, but, with all that has happened, regaining my trust is something that will take time. I'm not ready to give up on her though, especially knowing how far I'd fallen at my worst. Maybe that in itself will prove to be the secret to Abby's success in overcoming all of this...strength of family, or at least that's what I want to believe. That's why I'm here.

Prompt 251:What's the most embarrassing thing you've ever done while sober?/Theatrical Muse

2008-10-08T16:28:00.001-07:00

This isn't easy for me to talk about and it certainly isn't something I'm proud of doing. It happened during a time when I was having some problems and my head wasn't where it should be and instead of talking to someone about it, I was drinking too much, using sex as a way of escaping and I guess trying to live too fast. None of these things were normal for me, but, I had messed up everything in my life that was good, and the people I thought I could count on weren't there for me anymore. I guess I thought that by sleeping around I would feel something, but, even that wasn't really working out the way I meant for it to.

Abby was seeing Carter and I guess I wasn't handling it well, so, I started getting reckless, and I don't mean in how I was treating my patients. It started with my asking out hospital employees, and nurses, I warned them not to expect anything from me but that one night of sex, but, they never really believed I was serious. I suppose it was only a matter of time until it went to the next level, and it did.

She was the mother of one of my patients, she brought her daughter in and we kind of started flirting during the examination. I had to run some tests on the girl and she wanted her mom to get her something to eat, we walked out of the room together and one thing led to another. She left the Janitor's closet before I did, we thought it'd be safer that way, when I opened the door, another doctor, Susan, was standing right there. I fumbled my way through an excuse but, I knew she didn't believe me, I didn't believe me. I knew it was wrong, I was out of control, and it would only get worse before it would get better.